Today has been a weird day. From beginning to mid-afternoon the fleeting ramblings of the select few have left the innocuous bumbling around looking for alcohol. Or, we have already succumbed, hence the drunk burpees at bootcamp and the falling into desks at work. I should just go ahead and take a nip or five before jumping into a TRX move or diving into mid-term exams to see how that all plays out for me. I’m thinking a whole lot of bruising and maybe a broken finger or toe, at the very least.
Nobody likes a giddy drunkard as much as me, hell I’ve BEEN that giddy drunkard, but the Universe has decided to crank it up a notch. Oh, she has decided to put the people who are TOTALLY STONE COLD SOBER in charge of shit and just rearrange the furniture while she’s at it. Seriously? The drunks are falling off boxes and bumping into shit, saying ‘who the hell put that there?’ and telling others to move out of the way. We are all now completely hammered thanks to the ire of oneMenopausal Universe who is pissed that humans are shitty at being human.
People are reacting to the volatility of the economy, the evil of politics and the cost of humanity at the hands of invalids who refuse to consider the other side. No wonder everyone is a little drunk and a little fed up with life. We need a break. The Universe has decided she’s had it with your crap and is throwing her hands up in the air in Motherly exasperation. She’s now made a deal with the Weather Gods. In exchange for some Polar Vortex Air, or what she refers to as ‘Watch While We Freeze The Shit Out of This’, SHE gets to ram as much fool-hearted stupidity in the way of the logical few to see how we like that!
Now the total gambit of weather-related-crap is about to descend upon us. I’m not just talking a bit o’ snow, which for us elicits a response of “OH YEAH, WHAT ELSE YA GOT?!”, but now it’s freezing rain for HOURS, followed by snow, then rain and eventually something calmer like 100km/h winds which should couple elegantly with a nice Merlot.
Should one choose to remain sober and NOT drink through the next few years, I suggest perhaps assisting a friend through the difficulties of tying her shoes and brushing her hair. Maybe offer a hand while she’s cooking dinner simultaneously wiping a snotty nose and throwing the laundry into the washer? No? How about some kindness for the kid who totally ignored the basic golden rule of STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC by passing him a tissue, or for the person who just can’t deal by offering a hand. It’s a tough gig being a human. Let’s try to move along the slow lane and keep all of the drunk people happy and upright. Let’s share a smile and a positive thought on the way to the job that sucks or for the guy that’s annoying as hell.
It’s our job. If you’re not up for that, then just pass the bottle and keep it coming. Humanity depends on it.
And The Universe? SHE’S JUST TOO BUSY FOR YOUR SHIT.
I was having difficulty writing last week, hence the non-blogging, non-posting non-thinking non-action from me. Saturday, I decided to head to Chapters to see what’s up with books lately and wandered in with my expensive coffee and daughter in tow. Whilst perusing the aisles, I thought in order to kick start some ideas I would invest in a daily writing book. I wandered to the back where all of the discounted we-still-have-these-and-price-them-ridiculously-low-so-you-think-you-are-getting-a-deal books are located. I found one stuffed on a shelf under the heading ‘Writing and Other Shit’. I swear that’s what it said. Anyway, I bought the book for ten dollars and really should have taken a deeper look at it. It hails that it has 365 writing prompts to “INSPIRE YOU EVERYDAY!!” It looked good to me, so Sunday I cracked it open. The first prompts were to write about colours of herbs and spices and describe something that same colour. I shit you not.
What am I, in Grade 1?
By the way, BOOK OF INSPIRATION, I have no idea what the fuck herbs and spice look like other than salt and pepper. They’re spices, right? All I know is that most grow out of the ground and are green. Basically, you want me to describe everything that’s green. Awesome.
The only thing this book has accomplished so far was to make me even more of a sarcastic wise ass. Which is not really a bad thing and pretty par for the course, but I was expecting something a little deeper. More meaningful. More adult and less Grade 1 and what colour is Paprika? Answer: Reddish orangeish like Pippy Longstocking’s hair on acid. Kinda. I’M SO DESCRIPTIVE.
Today’s writing prompts were three events from different eras in history and it asked to describe a mundane event that may have happened on the same day. The first date was William Shakespeare’s death on April 23, 1616. Now, I’m no historical expert, so what the hell do I know what folks did on a daily basis in fucking 1616?!
Want to know my answer for that one?
Here it is:
Too bad for William Shakespeare. 1616?! How am I supposed to know what folks did in 1616?! Killed kittens? Planned murderous plots against the King and Queen? Had their pantaloons tailored? Wrote shit poetry and answered everything with ‘where art thou?’ WTF…
If nothing else, I get to be a sardonic jerk without actually failing a course or having an actual writer person tell me I suck at this.
Which I do.
Why? Because He read my last answer? Great. Can’t wait.
Jesus isn’t the only one weeping.
The warm weather is hanging around making me believe summer is not yet over, but I know better. The Weather Gods are just lulling me into a false sense of security with all of this warmth, only to blast me with cold weather in a few days or so. Then I’ll be shocked and appalled and lighting the fireplace and lamenting the summer. I’ll be shaking and quivering with the chill, rummaging through drawers looking for warmer sweaters and the Snuggie I bought daughter for Christmas, one year.
Trying to de-clutter my environment is like trying to set water on fire. I just get one thing away and two new things pop up. I have so many things I want to do, that doing one thing at a time seems wasteful and boring and not at all accomplishing anything, when really, it would be so much better than spinning my wheels.
Maybe I should get my attention span checked out. Can someone do that? I just don’t think I can sit still long enough to take all the tests that are probably required to determine that shit. Maybe there’s an online version, but then I would get distracted with the other stuff happening online, then one of the adult/children would need me to rescue them from the new devil-printer that seems to be possessed and prints whatever the hell it wants, or Hubby will need me to figure out the phantom pain he has in the back of his neck that’s really not the back of his neck but more like the back of his head that maybe some bug bit him while he on his walk because it really hurts….
Maybe it’s not my attention span at all. Huh.
It’s a good thing I have hobbies and you people to walk this journey with me and tolerate all of my nonsense. And wine.
Ps. I just wrote this on the front of my agenda because at the time, I thought it was funny but now my Catholic conscience is getting the better of me and I feel guilty about the whole ‘dead’ thing. I’ll be over here saying ten Hail Marys…
And hoping my water will turn into wine because, Jesus.
Write a blog post
It needs to be done
Write a blog post
People are waiting for one
Write a blog post
You have nothing else to do
But write a blog post
It can only be you.
So, I’m now an official Indie author. My book hit the Amazon jungle on Sunday. I’m not sure how I feel about it, yet. It’s like taking a little piece of your soul and throwing it up in the air, waiting for somebody to catch it. And hold it. And like it, just a little bit.
The silence is what’s awkward. Not knowing if people will like it and hoping nobody takes it and trashes it into nothingness. It’s weird, really. I’ve been flung into the virtual abyss with nothing, not even a life jacket to keep me from going under…scary place, this cyber universe. But I did it to myself. I put myself out into the big wide world to see what’s what…no point in turning around and running back home. Might as well hang out a bit and see who gives me a nod.
So, I’m going to be annoying. I’m going to make a complete nuisance of myself and be in your face and stare at you until you get all uncomfortable and move around in your chair looking for the nearest exit. I may even follow you to the door…but I’ll be out here a while, so send me back a coffee or a donut or even a warm blankie, will ‘ya?
It’s a bit chilly out here…..