I Need A More Stable Roller Coaster Partner

My middle-aged-ness has arrived and I’m reeling between bouts of euphoric elatedness and anxiety-ridden craptastic desperation. It’s like riding the Universe’ version of the roller coaster from Hell with the Joker as my side-kick. He’s laughing at me being totally HAPPY AS SHIT one minute, then PETRIFIED OF LOSING MY LUNCH MONEY TO THE BULLY AROUND THE CORNER, the next. This is what paranoid mania must feel like. I’m thinking Menopause on Crack is a better term. WELCOME TO THE FIFTIES, LADY.

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Ugh.

For instance, I have acne and wrinkles at the same time. The Universe is fucking with my face. I don’t like it.

I’m prone to fleeting outbursts of anxiousness at the slightest provocation. D2: Oh the engine light just came on. Me: WHAT?! OH MY GAWD STOP THE CAR! HOW CAN YOU BE CALM AT A TIME LIKE THIS! DO YOU SMELL SMOKE?! I THINK I SMELL SMOKE. PULL OVER! D2: This is why I drive…

I’m posting childhood pictures of my kids and they don’t like it…which leads to more pictures which leads to more protests…If I could figure out how to transform those VH baby tapes to video, it would be online FACEBOOK GOLD. “Yes, D1 you had red hair…and you still do. AWWWW, look! You’re playing in the toilet.”

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I’ve been incessantly exercising which has given me the unfortunate ability to be REALLY FUCKING HAPPY ALL OF THE DAMNED TIME. Seriously. Except for the times when people are being utterly stupid, I can be a bit overly…perky. It’s annoying even for me. REALLY?! WE’RE HAVING CAKE TODAY?! OH MY GAWD MY LIFE IS MADE!! WHAT?! WE’RE GOING TO HALIFAX FOR 3 DAYS??!! I’VE NEVER BEEN TO HALIFAX FOR A GOOD REASON, LIKE OTHER THAN THE STRESSFUL RN EXAM TAKING THAT WAS TOTALLY ALMOST DISTASTROUS AND DEVASTATINGLY PAINFUL! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!! Right. I need to take it down a notch.

I’ve also been meal planning and experimenting with some new and ‘interesting’ recipes. Every time I come home and my kidadults see a sheet of printed paper in my hands and a smile on my face, they grow increasingly concerned. “Uh, oh. She’s been researching recipes again….MOM I’M WORKING I WON’T BE HOME FOR SUPPER. FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, BUT THANKS!” Yeah, I’m on to you, kid. MY RECIPES ROCK. Too bad you have bad tastebuds…that chicken soup was GREAT. Ok, maybe a little lacking in taste, but it was GOOD. Ok, maybe a bit brothy and the dumplings were just lumps of soggy flour, but it was at least EDIBLE. Ok, maybe THAT ONE, kinda sucked. BUT THIS NEXT ONE IS GONNA BE GREAT. Maybe. EAT IT ANYWAYS. YOUR MOTHER HAS LITTLE ELSE TO LIVE FOR BUT TO FEED YOU.

The guilt thing usually works.

Other than that, I’m fine. Really. PERFECTLY FINE, THANKS NOW PASS THE WINE BOTTLE AND NO ONE GETS HURT.

Happy Friday…

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The Journey of Self-Discovery

 

As we get older, I think we realize the person we have become is different than the one we envisioned ten, twenty or even thirty years ago.  We aren’t as rich as we thought or driving that Jag we had hoped.   Our professional aspirations may have hit a few snags along the way and we opted for security instead of enjoyment, or the opposite and opted for enjoyment instead of security.  We didn’t marry that guy or venture to the outreaches of the universe…or join the Peace Corps because the best friend at the time, had the logical explanation of running water was obsolete and showering might be an issue.  Duh.  I kinda knew that…and who wants to bother saving the world anyway, when you have more important things to do like date that guy who says he’s applied to be a Mountie?   Gawd, who wants to date a pre-Mountie?    Well….

Maybe one date.

Whatever it was, the path we may began has somehow veered off into directions that have been surprising or disappointing, depending on your point of view.  Spending valuable time and energy wondering what may have been is a waste and I try to concentrate on the here and now.  Not the yesterdays or the last weeks.  Not the tomorrows or the next weeks or even next years.  Today.  What’s happening today?

My interests have become varied and I’ve often switched creative ventures, balancing the need to be alone with the need to be writing or painting or doing something crafty.  It’s weird.  I was never a crafty person, but I’ve found lately I enjoy the solitude of sanding a chair or refurbishing a dresser.  I like the work with my hands and the dust on the floor.  I like the smell of the paint and the different looks I can make if I mix two colours together.  It makes me feel productive….accomplished? Maybe?  I don’t know.

It’s not something I’ve ever imagined myself doing, but somehow it comes naturally to me.  I look for pieces to redo.  I get complaints from the fam that there is simply no room for another piece of furniture, but I look anyway.  There will always be room…somewhere.

The dreaded “M” word is knocking on my door and a day does not go by without another exclamation of ‘oh, what fresh hell is THIS’ from my lips.  Now, it’s a rash…next week it will be the ever refreshing onslaught of hot flashes, the week after….who knows?  THAT’S WHY WE NEED HOBBIES. AND WINE.

To keep from maiming those around us…

And to keep us sane.  Busy.  Useful.  Needed.

So, on your journey into Self-discovery, don’t dwell too much on the past and concentrate your energy instead on the here and now.  The accomplishments you have achieved, the awesome person you have become and are still becoming.  The people around you who have been influenced and are touched by your presence.

AND, for those of you who are encountering the ‘M’ word, or are about to, remember WHORE…

W- ine

H-obbies

O-ccupied

R-efreshed

E-nergetic

Because without Whore, we would simply be OLD ladies repainting shit.

Ugh…

My mason jars are apparently out of control….

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Bestie’s refurbished rocker…I think I need a matching one…