The Universe Is Being Trumpy


 

Whenever an issue arises that seems too all-encompassing or beyond any conscious reckoning, I throw it on out to the Universe to take care of. That way, if it all goes to shit, I can throw my fist into the air and curse the Universe for being obstinate or even a little too self-important and not blame myself for being lazy or forgetful. I mean really, you couldn’t spare five minutes to take care of that little thing I asked for? YOU HAD ONE JOB, UNIVERSE.  

Meanwhile, I’m stuck reveling in the mundane and eking out a bit of fun where I can muster the energy. This life thing is tedious sometimes and I must admit to being just a bit tired. I get tired thinking of getting up in the morning, I get tired of going to work, I get tired of doing household crap and I get tired of getting tired. I sound old. And like I’ve just given up on life all together, but really I haven’t. Honest.  

I still get to sit by the fireplace on my quiet nights when I’m alone and write in my journal. I still get to get out with friends and be obnoxious. I still get to bother my kids and ask annoying questions like ‘what are you doing?’ and say the ever popular ‘CRACK IS WHACK’ That pretty much sums up my discussion on drugs. That and ‘JUST SAY NO’. Lame slogans I can get behind. My point in there somewhere is that even when life seems very dull or overly annoying to the point of downright ridiculous, I can still find things to make me feel a little myself again. Like spew annoying clichés at the kids about drugs. Write about my dullness in my journal that is non-judgy and even kinda enjoys my boring run-on sentences. At least, that’s how I like to think of it. I get to exercise. SOME people may roll their eyes or say ‘oh, yeah. What a privilege’ but when I look forward to getting to the studio and a having someone yell at me that ‘YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR TEN SECONDS’ and ‘YAY BURPEES!’ then maybe, it’s become a part of me. Maybe I can’t have a good day without moving and feeling stronger. Or maybe, deep down I’m a masochist and I like all the yelling and sweating and swearing…like a Trump rally, only without all the hate.

Either way, there are other things to do and feel good about when life gets dull or ridiculous or too Trumpy. (Trumpy – Adj. word that describes life when it gets judgy, hateful, sweaty and utterly ridiculous to the point of giving the world the middle finger. Eg. He was to the point of swinging from the balcony after his girlfriend dumped him. He wanted to give up. He felt his life had become too Trumpy without her presence. ) Feel free to use this new word. I expect Webster’s will indoctrinate it soon enough.

Get outside, find a hobby, write in a journal, or do some burpees…whatever makes it better.  

Leaving shit up to the Universe to take care of may work some of the time, but it seems to me if I can tackle it myself, it will work out better. This way, I might get all of the blame but I just may get all of the credit, too! And of course, the cake in the end.  

THERE IS ALWAYS CAKE IN THE END…

 

Right! Best. Quote. Ever.

 

 

An Open Letter To The Bootcamp Newbie

Dear Bootcamp Newbie,

I was you seven months ago.  I know how it is that first day.  You walk in not knowing anyone, not knowing quite what to expect.  You feel awkward and stumble through exercises that are unfamiliar.  You trip up on a Burpee and think everyone saw you and is secretly criticizing.  You forget how to do a dumbbell sit up and you berate yourself for being so idiotic about forgetting such a simple exercise.  Stop it.  Stop thinking we are all watching and criticizing.  Stop thinking we are rating you on your performance.  Stop thinking you are awkward.  Just stop thinking, at all.  Just do.

I was you seven months ago and trust me, NOBODY in that class gives a rat’s ass how you do a Burpee, or how you miss a step when you skip or how jumping makes you nervous…seriously.  I’ve fallen over a box jump, forgotten how to do all the exercises at any given time and DID YOU SEE ME TODAY?!!  FORGOT HOW TO DO A KETTLE BELL SWING.  IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS?!   Nobody laughed or yelled or called me dumb.  Nobody rolled their eyes or said anything.  I was reminded, in a nice way, how to do the exercise BECAUSE COACH KNOWS I FORGET SHIT ALL OF THE TIME.  It’s okay.    NOBODY is watching you.  We are all concentrating on our own shit to care if you did your kettle bell swing right.  That’s for a Coach to worry about.  Oh, sure we are there to assist if you drop a weight or to laugh with you if you do the wrong order of exercises (been there done everything wrong at least twice), but we are non-judgy.  That’s how it works.

Everybody goes to Bootcamp for their own reasons.  Everybody has a story that you know nothing about.  We all are trying to do the best we can with what we have and make the most out of a great morning class.  Sure, we are a little special for wanting to get up at 5am to exercise, but it works for the most of us.  That’s why we’re there.

I see you eyeing the others and trying to keep up.  Don’t do that.  Keep your eyes on yourself.  This journey is about YOU…not the other fifteen of us trying to keep up with ourselves.  You do what’s right for you…let us worry about us.

We don’t think you’re awkward, or silly or dumb.  We don’t think you need extra help or judge how your technique on that calf raise could use some pointers.  We don’t think about any of that.   We think you are awesome for taking up the challenge of getting up at an ungodly hour of the morning to sweat it out with a bunch of ladies and do squats until you fall down.  In our books, you rock!

So, stop thinking.  Stop thinking about us.  Think about how great you feel after completing a workout.  How the music got you through that last set of squats.  How Coach urged you on after you felt ready to fall over, or how we smiled when it was done and we got through it.  Take a break and pat yourself on the back.  Your journey is just beginning.  Take it and go with it as long as you like.  This is YOUR journey and you can do it.

We have already gone through what you are now.  We already know the journey is worth it.  Keep going.  We believe in you.

Signed,

The Girl On the Other Side of The Room

Chalkboard Burpees

 

Gawd, Mary You’re Such a – What Is a Side Lateral Raise With a Garlic Press?!

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Yeah!  Kinda, sorta…

I think as I’m getting older, my patience is tending to wane.  I’m also getting more and more incapable of remaining in an upright position…in any situation.  See this.   AND, my ability to stay attentive and focused on something any longer than sixty seconds is careening into near dementia-like capacity.  Seriously.

I’ve noticed lately, that when directions are given (like in bootcamp class) I listen for all of five whole seconds and then my mind wanders… ‘gee, I wonder how long I can hold my breath under water these days.  I wonder if the weather is going to get any better by the time I leave.  Has the U.S totally gone bonkers?  Trump is a royal asshole.  What?  Bicep curl, got it.   Gee, did I turn off the stove this morning?  I DON’T USE THE STOVE AT 5AM.   Gawd, pay attention.  What did she say?  What the hell does French Press mean?  Like, Garlic press but better because it’s French and so… wine?   I don’t think there’s wine here.  Did I buy wine?  Do I need some for tonight?  Who’s coming over for wine?  I love wine.’

Then, by the time the actual workout station is upon me, I have totally forgotten/not noticed/no fucking clue what the hell ‘lateral row with elastic’ means, so I invariably make it up.  Yep, I’m there doing some shit I totally invented thinking, ‘Gawd, this must be it’ and ‘I’m totally killing this shit’.  Then coach eyes me suspiciously and comes over to show me the opposite of what I’m doing…so, I’m wrong? How did THAT happen?  I think my new exercise rocks….or not.

Is it sunny out yet?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?!

So it goes for daily work, family stuff…writing time…driving…I really shouldn’t drive with children or impressionable youth in my car.  I tend to be, um, what’s the word…annoyed?  Hmm….INTOLERANT is probably a better description.  It’s my inability to comprehend the logic behind many, many drivers on the roads which sends me into classic tirades on considerate driving habits, rules of the road, WHY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MERGE REALLY MEANS.  Struggles.

So, getting back to the original topic I’m turning fifty, I’m losing my mind, I can’t walk on ice or rain soaked pavement, I hate drivers, I love dogs and I love wine.

The End.

  1. Downton Abbey totally gets the “This Shit is Awesome” Award for Edith’s epic rant of simply “YOU’RE A BITCH, MARY!!”

And so she is, Edith.  So. She. Is.

Lady Mary

“Gawd, Mary…get a sense of humour.”

I think I fist pumped the dog after that one.

 

 

 

 

 

Falling Down is An Art form, So I’m An Artist!

woman worker

I put this pic in because I needed the inspiration. I can do more than just fall down well.  

Today saw me literally falling out of my car.  FALLING OUT OF MY CAR.  Who DOES THAT?  I opened the door and it was as if my feet and legs couldn’t cooperate enough to manage a foot-on-the-pavement solid step movement, so instead opted for the next best thing and just decided to slide me under my car.  As soon as my foot touched the ground, I slid uncontrollably under my driver’s side door.  There was no attempt at grabbing anything to stop the decent from happening, I just went with the motion and kept on going.  I even shut my door.  It was kinda graceful, really.  In slow motion, I would have looked like an elegant ballerina deciding to check the underside of my car…with my feet.  In my defense, the pavement was a sheet of ice from all that freezing rain crap…but still…SLID OUT OF MY CAR.  Ugh.  AND, Friend witnessed the aftermath as I sat on the freezing ground deciding if I should attempt to stand, or just stay the hell down there…so she laughed…all the way into bootcamp.  FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

AND, I finished a bootcamp class, thank you very much.

A million burpees and several thousand push-ups…I’m sure it was that many.  At the very least…I lost count.

I SLID UNDER MY CAR AND MANAGED TO EXERCISE.

What did you do today?

Yeah….

 

 

Fun Times

The month of July felt more like October and the dawning of August remained daunting, at first. Once August fully arrived, however, I was pleasantly surprised by the final arrival of sunshine and warmth. It seemed to bloom and flourish with the fervor of a kid on a new bike. The flowers grew skyward, the birds sang songs of joy, the grass finally turned a dark shade of green and we were able to sit out on our patios and decks with drinks in hand and relish a season we thought had forgotten us. Ahhh….summer. A few precious weeks we knew would be short lived, but we savoured every minute, nonetheless. During those evenings of peace and wine sipping, I made a mental list of things that I had vowed to do this year and managed to accomplish…or not.
Since making my New Year’s resolution (remember that?) to have more fun, I think so far, I’m getting that. I managed to conquer my fear on the shortest but most effective zipline ride evah; I vowed to train for the Tely 10 and managed to train and run the ten mile race despite my weak final kilometer; daughter secured her place in rowing history by making the ‘First Ever’ list in the local Regatta. She is the first and only female to cox a men’s team to a championship Triple Crown. That was hardly my accomplishment; however, it was fun to watch and exciting to lay witness to a local historical moment. I got some house stuff completed like staining decks, painting the main floor of the house and planting a new flowerbed in the backyard. I read a few books, and have entered a new foray of fitness by joining a local early morning bootcamp. The Bootcamp was more for getting out and doing something out of my comfort zone than it was for the actual exercise.

Oh sure, who doesn’t enjoy getting her ass kicked three times a week? My point by joining the group was to experience something different and new with different people. Getting out there and enjoying something that may be challenging and fun at the same time. Being brave enough to venture into unknown territory and come out still standing.
Who knows what I’ll do next? That’s the joy and ‘fun’ in doing something outside of your own line of sight. There is always something moving and shaking in your peripheral. See it, grab it and do it if you dare. It may be something you love or hate, but you won’t know until you at least try.
Speaking of fun…. I decided to buy a bag of those Dairy Milk chocolate buttons. They’re chocolate AND they’re buttons…how fun is that?! They basically fool you into thinking you’re only eating delicate little buttons of chocolate instead of a huge bar. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…. It works out to the same thing, but I like the delusion, okay?
Anyway, when I opened the package, THERE WERE NO BUTTONS!   WTF Dairy Milk?!    It was one large solid hunk where all the little buttons had melted together and then cooled into one solid mass. Ugh. I was so looking forward to little buttons…. Not deterred, I sauntered on down to ma basement and took out the biggest hammer I could find, and hammered it to bits. Take THAT Dairy Milk! They are no longer buttons nor a solid mass, but little itty bits. I’m not sure that’s better….maybe I’ll melt them again….

iphone 2015 538
Fun times.