I just finished reading an opinion piece in the Independent that sounded like, if I were British, and young and still cared about where I put my tuna salad or even ate tuna salad for that matter, it sounded like I wrote it. It got me thinking how I should be writing more opinion pieces and stuff about more important newsy crap like tuna salad and Theresa May’s lipstick, and less about my trials and tribulations of being abandoned by children and having to struggle my way through Menopause. It hit me like trying to remove a sweaty workout bra. Smacking myself in the face while trying to pull the soaked yet suddenly rigid material up over my head. The idea is a good one, it’s the execution that’s tricky. Also, it’s a total piss off and funny as hell at the same time.
Then I thought if I don’t write about the daughter-who-left-me-alone-and-sad or about the Big M, what the hell will I entertain ‘the lot’ about? That’s you all. The Lot. Sounds like a great title for a book. The Lot, a continuing saga about wine-binging children-rearing sweary-sadists who revel in the Writer’s hardships with gravity and battles with people-who-think-they-know-better. Anyway, what would I write about? I’ve listed possible incoming topics to keep everyone happy. They are as follows:
1. Meghan Markle’s ridiculous spelling of her first name and how I hate her hair. Seriously, what the hell is the ‘h’ in there for? Am I supposed to say it ‘Megawn’? Or ‘Meghawn’??? Or Duchess of Sussex, which fills me with unending amounts of joy that it fucking rhymes. I think the Queen did that on purpose as a joke. And her hair! Don’t get me started. It always looks like she slapped it up in a bun completed by the Queen’s pissed off lady-in-waiting and then stood in front of a fan blowing 125km/h to finish the look.
I really just want to run over and spray it down….
2. The merits of reading the news on the internet vs watching that shit on T.V. First, I can yell at the computer, raise my fist and protest in ire and everyone just thinks I’m having a bad day with spelling. Also, I can say nasty things or laugh out loud and colleagues think I’m just reading a memo from the boss. I can get various viewpoints from various sources who are questionable and be like the rest of humanity, and totally buy it. I can also read opinion pieces that inspire me to write opinion pieces that spew my opinion and include tuna salad analogies and Magenta lipstick. And judge Meghawn Markle’s hair. Sorry, Duchess of Sussex. That Queen is such a jokester!
3. Taking a cue from my dog and be done with petty life shit. Seriously, that dog has got some issues with noise, laughter, people, kids, babies and other dogs. She can’t stand loud ringing noises from the T.V., doesn’t enjoy the doorbell, she can’t stand my son. At all. She hates to have someone talk to her unless it’s me, then she can tolerate me in short spurts. She will only eat her food when the dish is COMPLETELY FULL AND NO LESS. Will NOT roll over, give a paw or lay down – those commands are just for dumb dogs who don’t know any better. She cannot stand having her picture taken, doesn’t like baths, insists on diving under the covers because she is cold and sits on top of my head because she knows it pisses me off. She sits on Hubby’s legs, then growls when he tries to pet her, defends her right to be perched on the softest pillow in all the land and DEFINITELY would NEVER eat off of anything other than your fingers or her dish.
“What?! Stop looking at me, Human”
I clearly need boundaries like these.
Now that I have some clear cut topics for future posts and opinion pieces, be sure to pop by to see how I delve into the complexities of these issues…or at least the mystery of where I put my tuna salad.