Played The Board Game from Hell
I think my family is expecting a post about the perils of the game Trouble. Then again, I think my family expects more from me in general, anyways so, here. Don’t say I don’t do anything for you guys. Geesh, stop bothering me will ‘ya? It’s like having Erkel around all the time. GAAAAAWWWWWD. What’s wrong wit…sorry. Babbling. Okay you can start reading now…orrrrr now. Now? Yeah, now.
The devil’s invention that sends me into fits of swearing and air punching. I compel thee!
Have you played this raunchy-when-I-play-it- over-the-top not-for-little-kids-mutha-of-a-game?! One minute into the throws of punching that plastic bubble in the middle and I was calling my sis-in-law a 6-whore and demanding a replay from my niece. My poor 79 year old mother-in-law must have thought I was possessed or have been negatively influenced from living in the city too long. She stayed quiet while I fiercely pounded the bubble as the dice inside REFUSED to turn over to a number 6. The number 6 is necessary to even begin the game. You know, 6…Devil, Beast, Asshole…(If you’re a Trouble virgin like I was, I’ll give you the condensed Kayjai version of the game. You. Are. Welcome.
You have 5 game pieces who are safely ensconced in ‘home’ position. The object is to get your 5 homies into a safe house, but first you have to wander aimlessly around the neighbourhood, but watch out! The crackheads are out and gunning for your ass, so it’s survival of the fittest. You get them, before they get you. You nail their asses before they have a chance to say “I need a fix!” Got it? It’s probs. not supposed to have ‘crack’ references or raucous swearing and bouts of fist-flinging…or insulting commentary, but I was trying to bring it to a level most people relate to. Not that you relate to crackheads…or strangers chasing you down and calling you names in your neighbourhood. Or maybe you do. I don’t know…I don’t know where you live…anymore.)
I finally made it out onto the actual playing board and when I did I was gunnin’ for 6-whore and whoever else got in ma way. I think I obliterated my mother-in-law a few gagillion times and inspired a mob mentality by getting my niece to chase after her momma with ire and determined fury. Yeah. I think the Devil was having a grand ol’ time watching me morph into some evil-crazed sociopath looking for a little payback and attacking any innocent bystanders who may be present. I was half expecting the arrival of a priest to hose me down with incense and holy water. I think I caused my mother-in-law to fall into immediate prayer and beg for my salvation…we played two games. Niece had to go to work…pfft…LIKE THAT WAS IMPORTANT. WE WERE PLAYING TROUBLE FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU! Anyway, they said I had to let her go, so after my final head-spin, I think I won the second game…AND, I wasn’t even the slightest bit drunk. Ha! I WIN!
Played Card Games and ‘Borrowed’ A Truck
I played mother-in-law in two games of cards before suggesting we go to the next town a half-an-hour away for lunch. Incidentally, I won the last game. AND, I wasn’t even drunk. Ha! I WIN! The kicker? You know that Hubby bought a nice shiny brand new truck in November, right? You know that I have never driven nice shiny brand new truck, right? You know that he so BLATANTLY left his truck keys on the counter, PURPOSEFULLY pointing out to me where he left them while he and son and his bro went fishing. AND, it was mother-in-law’s birthday..so of course I had to treat her to lunch. In the next town. And invite sis-in-law and her crew. AND HOW WAS I GOING TO GET HER THERE???!! Dat’s right…the nice shiny brand new truck that I have never driven before, of course! Duh….
What? I texted Hubby…
AFTER I had arrived at lunch and parked said nice shiny brand new truck FAR AWAY FROM EVERY LIVING THING IMAGINABLE, lest there be denting or scratching or heavy breathing on it.
See? Everything was fine.
Me: I took the truck to take YOUR mother out to lunch since EVERYBODY ELSE IS GONE.
Hubby: K. Where did you go? And have you reached your destination? (he thinks everybody is watching him and reading his texts, so he remains formal like he’s met me maybe once in his whole life…unless he’s pissed at me. Then he feels the need to speak like a sailor. Bastard.)
Me: We are meeting sis and Niece at Gibsons for lunch in GFW. We are here now. The truck drives itself!! I don’t know why I haven’t driven it before!
Hubby: YOU DROVE MY TRUCK TO GFW??!!!!!!
Me: YOUR MOTHER wants to know if she needs to get the frying pan ready. (subtly trying to change the subject)
Hubby: You haven’t driven my truck because I don’t want you to.
Me: Why not? I’m like RainMan. I’m an excellent driver.
Hubby: EXACTLY. Please be careful with my truck. I luvs her right.
Me: Well, maybe you should marry it then.
Me: Ugh…never mind…
I’m so mature….