A Top Ten

I’ve been stuck in bed all day with back spasms.  Mags is happy to hang out with me as long as I remain still and unobtrusive…or have treats to make her experience lying around even more enjoyable.  Because, really…it’s all about her.    The damned laptop is obviously a hindrance to her attempts at sitting right on top of my chest, which obviously is the BEST possible place for her to lie down.  That laptop HAS GOT TO GO.  It’s presence is almost offensive.

IMG_3152

Uh, hi!  Whatcha doin? Move this.  It’s in ma way. 

In the spirit of boredom and any kind of movement causing massive amounts of pain, I’ve collected a list of the Top Ten Things To Do When You Encounter Back Pain, or Held Hostage By a Fanatical Maniac Who Is About to Chop Off Your Legs.  It’s An Either Or Situation.

A long title, I realize but I have nothing else to do, and really they both are kinda the same.  They involve solitary confinement and pain, although having someone take an axe to your legs could be construed as a tad more painful.  On the other hand,  if you’ve ever had back spasms, you would WISH someone would just saw you in half.  So…

  1.  Watch a movie – I spent the morning in bed watching Practical Magic which was an old Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman flick. Not bad for an early morning movie and it was pretty cute.  Who knew Aiden Quinn was such a handsome hero in those days?

9. Eat all of the leftover Halloween Candy – I haven’t eaten it all…yet. But since we had so many kids last night, we had to send son to get some more and are now left with more than we thought.  I’m sending recon missions downstairs for mini Kit Kat bars…

8. Nap – never overrated and the dog joins you.

7.  Send the kids to the store for shit you don’t need – THEY LOVE THAT.  You suddenly realize you are short on pencils or don’t have enough chalk paint for that project you will never get around to.  Send the kids on the hunt for the elusive colour of salmon chalk paint ( does not exist) or number 2 pencils that you have no use for and can’t even sharpen, BECAUSE WHO STILL OWNS AN OLD FASHIONED PENCIL SHARPENER?!  It’s entertaining.  Good. Times.

6.  Write down the cooking instructions for dinner – Make them complicated like lamb chops stuffed with asparagus and goat cheese…Yeah. They will give up right after reading ‘lamb’ in a fury of WHAT THE HELL! expressions and helpless abandon and order pizza.  You get the extra slice with whatever you want on it for allowing them to give up on dinner so quickly.  They will be ever so grateful for not having to burn the house down trying to make that lamb dish a reality.   YOU. ARE. AN. AWESOME. MOM

5.  Organize your Christmas list – JUST KIDDING. Who the hell wants to do that?!  It’s a day where you can lay around watching t.v. and taking naps, and have those people you call family wait on YOU for a change.  Why spoil that with something constructive and practical?  Gawwwdddd.  WORK WITH ME HERE.

4.  Read that book you have been meaning to read – you have all kinds of time and nowhere to be. Get into that novel that’s been sitting on your shelf. A great way to pass the time.  Immersing yourself in someone else’s world is just what you need.

3.  A long soak in a hot bath – good for the muscles, good for the soul.  Make sure a glass of wine is accompanying you.  Or the bottle.  Whatever works.  You ARE in pain.

2.  The awesomeness of pain medication should not be overlooked – It can make you a little sleepy, but also a little loopy. In essence, it’s the one opportunity you can act drunk and disorderly without actually being either of those things.   Feel free to insult the kids or throw a tantrum because your coffee is not 98 degrees Fahrenheit, because dammit you earned it.  Tell those kids to keep it down and when they complain, just say “REALLY?!  I SPENT 25 HOURS IN LABOUR WITH A TEN POUND BABY COMING OUT OF MY HOO-HA, WHICH  BY THE WAY, NOW LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY RAN OVER A PIZZA WITH A SEMI- FOR YOU TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PAIN?!  OK.  WHATEVER.  YOU DO YOU.”  Then weep wildly.  They’ll feel bad and get you whatever you want.

  1.  Nothing – the number one thing to do, is to do nothing. Ice, heat, rest, eat, repeat.

The pain meds are now kicking in.  Hope you enjoy a lovely fall day and get those kids to pamper you whether you have back pain or are held hostage by a maniacal fan, or not.

Advertisements

Top Ten Ways Busy Moms  Can Carve Out Some Precious ‘Me’ Time

d24ad97354782606ed25b6fce57ca800--wine-o-clock-wine-time

New moms, toddler moms, moms with tweens, teens, young adults and even moms with baby hippos, finding time for oneself in a non-stop kid-infested world can be downright challenging if not impossible.  There is always SOMETHING that NEEDS our attention or SOMEONE who desperately NEEDS our help.  OH MY GAWD, MOM WE RAN OUT OF TUNA.  You know, that kind of drama is just a pimple on the face of a pre-pubescent girl in the world of scenarios.  Being a SuperMom is downright exhausting!

Feeling the pressure?  Especially with the start of a new school year which brings fundraisers, bake sales, the ever popular candy bar sales and of course, who can forget EVERY SINGLE ACTIVITY IN THE WORLD IN THE HISTORY OF EVER BEING HELD ALL ON THE SAME NIGHT.

Been there, done that.

Now that my kids are no longer ‘kids’ I’ve had the luxury of sitting back and taking stock of all the madness that was their childhoods.  Here are some of my fave ways of regaining some sanity,  taking some breathing room and really just savouring a few minutes for that much needed break.  I mean wine.  Much needed wine.

Ask for help – For God’s sake woman, you do not need to rule the world all in one day. Ask Hubby/ spouse/significant other/pet llama to pull some weight and help take one of the little darlings to dance class or gymnastics or cyber crime unit day, or whatever it is those young kids do nowadays.  Remember the old ‘take turns’ you learned in Kindergarten?  Yeah, that still applies.  There is no shame in asking somebody you trust to get Kid A to Place A so you can sit down and have a glass of wine.  NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT.  Do we have to review the whole labour/delivery thing?  Okay….

Read a Book – Remember those? They have covers and pages and words that are not accompanied by little bunnies rolling down hills. They have actual words bigger than ‘the’.  You are able to read said book whilst child is swimming, dueling, wrestling, skating…etc.  You do not need to spend every waking minute watching your kid drown in the pool during swimming lessons.   THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE LIFEGUARDS.    Even if you read ONE SENTENCE, you will feel almost adult-like.  Amazing…

Sign up for some scheduled class- Fun Fact: There are adult classes to learn new and exciting things like yoga, or exercise, or spin class or vibrational cooking…whatever the hell you want! Schedule yourself on your mommy calendar just like you scheduled all of your kids’ activities. That way, you practically guarantee a space for you.  STICK TO IT AND DON’T GIVE IT UP OR YOU WILL DIE.  That’s how you have to approach it.  Your health, mental and physical, may depend on it.

Lunch Break Walk-  I admit this one is kinda lame, especially if you work at job where leaving is like an episode from Prison Break, but it does have its merits if you can swing it.  If you work outside the home, it’s probably one of the only times you get to adult so cling to that and hang out with the co-workers you like and invite her/him/them along.  Could be a fun half hour.  Or lame.  Totally lame.  Crap shoot, really.

Repeat this phrase: “No, that doesn’t work for me” – Seriously, you are allowed to say ‘no’ and not just to all of your offspring. I mean to other parents, especially the snooty moms who have all kinds of time on their hands and sit back and drink wine on their porches and bake REAL HOMEMADE ORGANIC PRESERVATIVE FREE COOKIES AT THE BAKSALES and don’t invite you to sit and drink because you’re too busy RUNNING AROUND CARTING ALL OF THEIR KIDS AND YOURS TO ACTIVITIES.   Yeah.  Stop that.  Practice being a ‘snooty mom’.  And baking is overrated.

Extricate yourself from the situation – Just totally remove yourself from being involved.  In anything.  Be involved with your child, but don’t feel you have to join all the PTA meetings and the council meetings or the Society For Being a Mom Organizational Association…thing.   Pick one committee in which you can participate without overstretching yourself and do that.  There is no rule anywhere saying you have to be involved in EVERY school function, committee, organization or whatever.  ONE THING.

Carpooling is your new best friend – It’s best when everyone can lend a hand and carpooling can be a lifesaver….when it’s not abused. Or your generosity is not taken advantage of.  Fair is fair so outline the rules going in with other parent(s) so everyone is on the same page.  Make sure Johnny is aware who is driving or picking up so he can expect Mr. Jones to be there and not Mrs. Lazynski who wears her hair funny and smells a bit ‘off’.

Chores – When the kiddos are in charge of their own shit, it takes on a whole new meaning. As moms, we tend to think that ‘taking care’ of the kids equates to doing everything for them.  Not so fast.  They need to take SOME responsibility for their stuff, so start doling out things they are capable of handling and EXPECT them to follow through.   For example, if Tuesdays are hockey practice give him/her the responsibility of having their bag packed with ALL of their gear and having it ready at the door by the expected time.  If they get to practice and something is missing – a natural and logical consequence would be to miss practice.  They HAVE to take responsibility for their shit at some point.  They won’t forget next time.  I SWEAR TO GAWD IF YOU GET IN THAT CAR AND DRIVE HOME TO GET THE MISSING GEAR AND THEN BACK TO THE RINK I WILL THROW A GLASS OF WINE AT YOU AND MAKE YOU LICK IT UP.  It’s only practice.  They’ll live.

Lie – Sometimes, in life telling the truth can be downright harmful to everyone’s health. Especially, yours.  In the interest of healthy lifestyles, lying comes in as one of the top things to do when you are desperately seeking wine time.   Oh, sure…don’t get on that high horse, you’ll get a nosebleed.  HOW DO YOU THINK THE SNOOTY MOMS GET TO SIT ON THEIR PORCHES.  That’s right.  That headache has suddenly reappeared and Johnny may have to miss ONE NIGHT of Judo.  The kid has been kicking his sister for years, I think he has that move down pat…

Alcohol? Why yes, please –  Basically, it’s all about the wine, so enjoy!  You’ve earned your glass so kick up your feet and indulge in a glass or five before somebody notices you can no longer drive.

That’s it.  Your list to freedom and some peace among the hectic, no holds barred world of kids, activities and school functions that make being a parent the joyous roller coaster ride it is…Good luck and may the wine be ever in your favour.

 

 

Top Ten List of: Shit I Did When You Weren’t Looking

I haven’t done a Top Ten list in quite some time. I thought today would be a great day for one.
10. Ran a 10mile race. Maybe you were looking since I told everyone about it, but some people were still surprised I actually ran a race and still lived to tell about it, so not everyone is as in the loop as you.   

Me running, and not dying. Yet. 
9. Snuck a garden gnome in my garden and he is still there! Now that you know, DON’T TOUCH HIM. HE STAYS.

8. Texted my friend and gave her shit for missing my birthday but discovered she did leave a message that FB deleted so really, I looked like an asshole for being an asshole.

Actual conversation.  She still likes me…I think. 
7. Watched the beginning of a movie and the end without watching the middle which is usually a vital part of the whole thing. In this case, it really wasn’t. Now, I think if I watch the first forty five minutes and the last half hour of any movie, I should be good. No need for all the junk that happens mid-way. It’s just the whole plot, I mean really, who needs that?

Part of the movie I missed, but I don’t think it’s that important, right?


6. Told a first-time runner and neighbour there was going to be band playing during the race, which two years ago there was I swear, but this time there wasn’t and now he’s all “THERE WAS NO BAND! WHERE WAS THE BAND?! I WAS LOOKING FOR THE BAND!” for the entire duration of the race. In my defence, YOU WERE LISTENING TO SOME ON YOUR IPOD SO THERE WAS YOUR BAND. MOVE ON. Gawd, I can’t be right about everything….kinda. By the way, if my garden gnome goes missing in the next 48 hours I’M LOOKING AT YOU!!

5. Since Hubby has returned to work, I actually did two loads of laundry. Dried. Folded. Put away. I don’t want to brag, but I think I did a better job at it. *Hubby, if you are reading this, feel free to try to best me on this one. Seriously. I know you THINK you’re good at laundry, but uh, my folding technique rocks! Okay, if you really want to try to beat me at this one task, I’ll let you try….I’M A GIVER.

4. I submitted two job applications for freelance work that were epic examples of my wit and humour and pithy prose to which the reply was *crickets* Nothing. OKAY, IF YOU REALLY THINK MY PITCH FOR A HANGOVER SUPPLEMENT WASN’T AN EXCELLENT EXAMPLE OF INTELLIGENT STORY-TELLING, ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT GRANDPA’S DART TOURNAMENT FIASCO, THEN GO AHEAD AND HIRE SOMEBODY ELSE. Gawd.  

3. I’ve decided that being a responsible adult is overrated and better suited for everyone else, but me. In future refer all important tasks to an adult who will take requests, demands and questions seriously instead of answering with “I know you are, but what am I?”  

2. According to viable sources, licking the top of a beer bottle will not dissuade other people from drinking from it. It just induces future licking of bottles and glasses until everyone is drinking from everyone else’s drinks, which really is kinda gross when you think about it. Next time, I’m switching the beer for…EWWW, NO I WASN’T GOING TO SAY PEE. UGH. THAT’S DISGUSTING. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM? BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO PEE IN A BEER BOTTLE?! You need a good *urinary device if you’re a woman, to pull that shit off…don’t ask me how I know that. (*medical terminology for a funnel or aid to guide the stream in the right direction. WHAT?! DO YOU KNOW HOW NARROW THE NECK OF A BEER BOTTLE IS??!! It takes precision and timing and…never mind. )

1. People in the ‘hood with pools: If you see a random rubber ducky in there, his name is Sid. No, I don’t know how he could have gotten in there, but don’t scare him. He likes to float around. Just sayin’…..

Looks just like Sid!!

Top Ten Tips For Surviving The Snowaggedon Headed Our Way

The forecasters are busy sharpening their pencils and keeping vigil over the radar to see if the blizzard of 2017 will actually happen, or actually float off to sea and forget about us plebeian Newfoundlanders. Snow is inevitable on our lovely Isle, however, THIS IS RIDICULOUS EVEN FOR US. So without staging a riotous panic and running out to get ‘supplies’ (and by supplies I mean WINE), and fighting with the entire population of the Island now lining up at Costco over the last case of KD, I think it’s a good time to run down some necessary information that could prove useful for surviving The Weekend It Wouldn’t Stop Fucking Snowing, or as I like to refer to it, HELL WITH NO CHANCE OF ESCAPE.

 

10. Keep your wits about you – good advice even when you’re not enduring the snowstorm from hell. Stay vigilant. Stay alert. Stay drunk. It’s pretty much all the same anyway and when that mountain of snow is at your doorstep, simply stay hunkered down under the blankets and close your eyes. SOMEBODY will shovel that shit. Hopefully, you dodged the task by staying blissfully ignorant…and drunk.

9. Keep the lights on – Let’s hope for everybody’s sake that Dark NL is a thing of the distant past, but if not, keep the flashlights handy. Candles are Satan’s flashlights, people, so no going to beddy-by-by with a lit candle. Flameless are better and if not, playing pin the tail on the donkey in the dark IS TOTALLY AWESOME. The kids will love it…just have the first aid kit handy in case the pin goes eyeward….OR, playing cards is great too. MAKE ‘EM GUESS WHAT’S IN YOUR HAND. I guarantee, you will win EVERY TIME.

8. Stay warm – don’t you hate it when you post shit on Facebook about having to endure the WORST SNOWSTORM THE EARTH HAS EVER SEEN and all your friends are posting “stay warm. Stay safe” smiley face-happy-ho-ho shit? Gawd. I’M FREEZING MY ASS OFF, HERE. THERE’S NO POWER, HEAT, OR ELECTRICITY. I’M COOKING HOT DOGS OVER A COLEMAN STOVE IN MY ICE ENCASED FUCKING SHED. THE KIDS ARE NEAR DEATH SINCE THEIR PHONES RAN OUT OF BATTERY POWER AND THE INTERNET IS DOWN…but, Smiley face-happy-ho-ho!! Hugs! Ugh.

7. Activities will save your sanity – keeping everyone busy is key to surviving two+ days of tortuous snowfall and since a lot of moms out there will be THE go-to person for the laments of ‘I’m bored’ and ‘what can we do now’ here is but one idea about how to keep the kiddies busy: Play Find the Neighbours. If they can guess where the neighbour’s house is hiding in the 100km hour winds and the whipping masses of snow THEY WIN. They can get bonus points for guessing which swear words the neighbour is currently spewing at the snowplough driver for putting a mountain of snow back in the driveway. Double bonus points for doing the maniacal laugh of the snowplough driver as he drives by. Another one: get the kiddies dressed in their snow suits, throw them out the back door and play a ferocious game of ‘Find the Barbeque’. If they can locate it within an hour, they get to shovel the deck…USEFUL AND FUN. Not a good game if the bloody thing was put in the shed like responsible people. FIND YOUR OWN GAME!

6. Make sure the electronics are charged – for fuck’s sake, make sure the cellphones, tablets, computers and anything else that requires battery operation is fully charged. If those kids lose an OUNCE of time without ANY OF THIS SHIT you will live to regret it, my friends. Hell has taken on a whole new meaning. Nothing pisses off a kid more than going a few milliseconds without texting ‘LOL, WTF, OMG’ to all of his friends…and their friends… And of course keeping you up to date on how much snow has fallen already and when the next round of ‘nikky-nikky snow-plow-man’ will happen….

5. Radio? WTF is a Radio?! – remember in the ole days when a transistor radio was THE KEY TO EVERLASTING SNOWSTORM LIFE? Without one you were doomed to wonder what was happening outside your door. You were left to imagine the snow was coming to an end, that spring was around the corner, that there was life after forced quarantine by snow. WHO HAS A DAMNED TRANSISTOR RADIO NOWADAYS?! Nobody… besides the conspiracy theorists who are fearing the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse headed our way and are holed up in their homemade bomb shelters armed with rifles and canned goods that they got at Costco THREE YEARS AGO, that’s who. FIND THOSE DAMNED PEOPLE AND INVITE YOURSELF TO THEIR UNDERGROUND CEMENTED BOMB SHELTER. THEY WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE! They will also try to brainwash you into believing the Zombies are coming…so…your choice. Just get a radio and MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BATTERIES IN IT! Gawd.

4. Snacks – I vote for snacks. Nothing makes everybody hungry like being ensconced in a house of horrors for more than an hour, so keeping the cupboard and fridge loaded with crap they can eat will at least shut their pie holes for a few seconds of quiet magnificent bliss. Spoken like a true mother…

3. Make sure the pets are indoors – an important one as you don’t want Spot outside frolicking in the whipping snowstorm then getting lost in a fortress of mountainous snow…now, the kids on the other hand…hmmmm

2. Arts and Crafts – I’ve heard that in order to keep everyone calm and quiet during a storm, that mothers actually participate in activities WITH their kids like arts and crafts and coloring and shit. REALLY?! EXCELLENT. I’ll be over here crafting my wine bottles after I’ve consumed WHAT WAS IN THEM. Here kids, modge podge the shit out of THESE EMPTIES. WHAT A GREAT IDEA. Mommy gets to drink the contents and the kids have activities to keep them busy! NOTHING LIKE QUALITY TIME WITH THE KIDDIES!! I LOVE arts and crafts….

1. Be Helpful – Snowstorms can bring out the best and the worst in people. Take care of yourself and be helpful to your neighbours. If you see Mr. Wilson out attempting to shovel the four feet of snow that landed on his driveway, be a community-minded helpful neighbour and cheer him on. Nothing shows support more than standing in your window with a beer in your hand applauding his useless attempts at battling the Mt. Everest of snow at his feet. Be a hero! Sing the National Anthem as he attempts the first few shovelfuls…he’ll soon come to his senses, throw down his shovel and join you…so, make sure you have beer. I think that’s evident from the first tip. ALCOHOL AND FOOD ARE ALL YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THIS SHIT!  

ANYBODY KNOW ANYONE WITH AN EMPTY BOMB SHELTER LYING AROUND?!

I can bring the snacks…and the wine.

Good luck…

See the polar bear? See him? Me either…

 

 

Top Ten Things To Do This Spring That Won’t Involve Cleaning Anything, Making Anything or Exercising Anywhere. You. Are. Welcome.

It’s exhausting trying to keep up with all of the tips and advice from the ‘experts’ on what one should be doing with all of that extra time that we seem to have on our hands this coming Spring. What?!

We should be cleaning out our closets, our email, our garage and our colons… apparently that’s a thing. Cleaning out your colon. Eww…

And then there are others who insist we get in shape for summer, get exercising for that bikini, that bbq, than reunion, and lose weight for that somebody special we’ve been hanging around waiting our entire lives to meet and to fall helplessly in love with. Ugh. Enough already. Instead of working so hard at trying to be clean and skinny, let’s just relax and enjoy the coming of the warm weather…even if it’s taking its sweet ass time getting here.

So, here are my Top Ten Things to do This Spring:
10. Laugh at the neighbours who are insistent on getting rid of the frozen snow that still inhabits their front lawns by chopping, spraying and shoveling it onto the road. Our neighbor was at it twice yesterday and her snow pile is up over her front window. It must be driving her INSANE to see my side of the street with virtually no snow on our lawns…we are just better at taking it easy AND LETTING NATURE TAKE CARE OF THE MASSIVE FROZEN SNOW PILE. Instead of being a tad obsessive about frozen shit, she could harvest all that snow and make snow cones, sell them at 50cents a pop and then VOILA…instant cash to pay for that ice pick she’s going to rust out soon. Then she would have all the neighbourhood kids clamouring all over her place looking for snow cones…maybe I’ll post a sign at the corner to advertise for her. I’m all about community, peeps.
9. Wear spring colours. It makes you feel better and more alive to be wearing pink and purple and bright oranges and reds instead of blah-black and gruesome-grey…blah. IT’S SPRING DAMMIT…let’s get the colours out! Your mood will improve too…not that you’ve been crabby lately…or maybe you have. Sick of winter and cold and ice…yeah. You’re looking a little crotchety…get out that lovely yellow sweater and those pink capris…so what if it’s minus twenty… Wear that shit!
8. Do something outside….just not knocking down the snow. Take the dog for a walk, take down the elusive Christmas decorations, search the ground for growing buds, take photos of the neighbour’s cat pooping in the old guy’s garbage can…you know, get out there!
7. Invite friends over for drinks…that’s always a good idea.
6. I was going to write ‘plant bulbs’, but I think you have to do that in the fall…and it’s work, so this is not about work. It’s about relaxation….so go to the florist or the nearest store and buy a spring bouquet to put on your table. It will brighten your room…and you can admire it as you eat your frozen snow cone. AND, lace that snow cone with some liquor….make it a ‘grown up’ treat. What? It’s relaxing….
5. Revel in the longer days…it means longer naps.
4. Remember those long forgotten resolutions you made at midnight on that freezing December night when you were drunk and couldn’t even remember your first name, let alone something to resolve to do for the New Year?? Remember those? No? Me neither…carry on.
3. Be good to yourself. You’re the only one you’ve got.
2. Make a kid laugh by telling a stupid joke. They love those, even if they’re teens and they roll their eyes at you and say you’re lame…they really think you’re worse than lame…but that’s okay. You made them roll their eyes and probably smile when you weren’t looking. It still counts.
1. Be grateful for where you are, where you’re going and what you’ve done to get here.

There you go. Enjoy your Spring…

l-amazing-photo-pug-and-tulips

Top Ten Reasons People Think I Have Issues

I thought of this post at exactly 3:25am whilst taking the dog out to pee and upon returning to bed, realizing I was completely awake.  Had I not been so lazy, I would have written the post as it happened in my head, but writing at 3:30 in the morning is not my thing.  So I willed myself to remember at least a few of the points so I could amaze and delight you with it now.  I remembered exactly two…the rest I’ve made up hoping they are as funny now as they seemed to me at 3:30 in the fucking morning…I’m hilarious in the middle of the night.

I have strange dreams that I insist on detailing to Hubby, like the time I dreamed there were elephants wandering around in Churchill Square and we should go down and see the baby elephants as they were especially cute…

I refuse to lend any participation in the silly notion that my attendance to any academic institution’s so-called ‘curriculum night’ is deathly important and if I do not attend, I would be considered a ‘bad parent’. The last time I attended one such event, it was in 2009/2010 or thereabouts and I got lost during the whole “okay, do what your kid would do and go to all of her classes”, and just gave up and went home. And had wine, which is a much better option if I do say so myself…

I drink wine and talk about it…a lot. So? Wine.I am impatient when I drive and complain constantly about it and the dumb-dumb in front of me is driving under 90km ON THE HIGHWAY and it’s a nice dry day…which is rare, but still. You would think he could see me in his rearview mirror as I make face like this:  Diaz Bad teacher

Apparently, he does not bend to driver pressure…GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.  SAY NO TO BULLYING…

I can’t decide at what temperature I am comfortable and get greatly distressed by others who find it perfectly perfect all of the time…IT’S NOT PERFECTLY PERFECT!  IT’S BLESSED HOT AND COLD AT THE SAME TIME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.  I need layers…and a blanket…and an ice pack.  Wine.  I need wine

I can’t make a decision. I think…wait.  Maybe not, the other day I decided to wear a dress, but then it looked like it would rain so I decided to change into jeans.  I then questioned my decision when the sun came out later that day…so, basically I decided to be flexible in my wardrobe choices and DECIDED to lament about them regularly.  I decisioned the shit out of that!

I send random emails to all the ladies in the ‘hood every week to let them know I’m still alive and to induce voluminous chatter about nothing in particular because I’m a badass, ‘yo…or incredibly bored…or both. And they actually lead me to believe they read the emails diligently and appreciate my sarcasm and blatant disregard for politeness and etiquette…that’s true friendship…

I tell my kids that no one will ever like them as much as I do and they need to honour my memory when I die with flowers and written effigies of affection…to which they roll their eyes and say “Yeah, okay. Whatever that means” They truly love me.

I continue to harbor a deep desire to acquire a zombie gnome and decorate my front lawn with it…or several…and perhaps spread the joy and put one on the lawn across the street…I could scare the shit out of Cuddles the cat…hmmm….

Sometimes, I get a little sweary…like when I drive… or had some wine (not at the same time)…or when I walk…run…trip over concrete barriers THAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE…am forced on a ski lift/chair lift/death ride from hell…am denied morning coffee…just sat through an hour of ‘blah, blah, as a parent you should assist your child with homework, blah, blah, blah’…can’t find the chocolate I hid yesterday…forced to speak to anyone at Bell (that includes Daughter when she tries to tell me something that makes total sense to her because she has swallowed the Bell- Koolaid, but to totally rational adults like me, it’s complete asshattery designed to confuse and disorient and then take all your money…sorta like the bank on acid).

There you have it.  You would think I have issues, but really I don’t…really.

Hand over the chocolate.

And wine.

Top Ten Things I Learned on My Epic Family Summer Vacation The Sequel

As it is with ma ‘hood, we like to do stuff together. In fact, togetherness is all the rage, yo. So, behold, on the fourteenth of this past month, five and a half families(the half came in middle of said vacation when a father-son duo joined the group) decided to depart TOGETHER on the Epic Family Vacation venturing on what would become an epic fantasmic event of lost wallets, missing Disney tickets, the barbeque from hell and frogs that just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Here is a list of shit I learned whilst venturing into the wilds with nothing more than my wits and my flip flops (and alcohol…don’t forget the alcohol):

1. Blue water is good, brown water is yukky and may contain nastiness such as alligators, crocodiles, mosquitos on steroids and wasps…ewww.

2. Nothing says ‘romance’ more than sharing a room with three kids, a cot, a loose praying mantis and a veritable array of alcoholic beverages that do not go well with oatmeal. ugh.

3. Barbeques work especially well when the propane tank is attached and actually filled with propane. When the inevitable ’empty tank’ situation occurs, the next best thing is to ‘borrow’ the neighbour’s barbeque…only beware. Their anti-theft shit is awesome. Four men couldn’t open the tank….it took yours truly, a stealthy little can opener and five minutes of hacking to get that baby to move. I know…I rock. I was proud to announce ma prowess with barbeques after the men all sat back down and recommenced to chugging the beers they were consuming pre-barbeque valve contest. There should have been prize money involved…at least a free t-shirt that read “I OPENED THE BARBEQUE TANK WITH A CAN OPENER. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?” yeah.

Yay!  VACATION!!

Yay! VACATION!!

4. Attending Disney is better when you actually remember to bring the tickets. This did not happen to me, but to poor Birthday Girl who forgot the tickets, however, did wisely take pics of them and showed them to the nice lady at Blizzard Beach, who promptly issued new ones. We love her. AND, Birthday Girl’s mom who had to endure the “This is how you take a picture with iphone and email said picture” lesson…which was a bit lengthy, I understand.

5. Keep it in your pants, pal. The wallet, I mean. I was referring to the wallet. The escapades continued with Bday Girls’ fam as her hubby promptly lost his shit on the Summit Plummit ride…and by shit, I was referring to the wallet…which was recovered. Eventually. See? There are good people still walkin’ around out there…AND, he could have lost his shit on that ride I didn’t stick around long enough to watch the descent into madness.

6. Don’t take the fucking chair lift, please. Bday Girl made the mistake of gently suggesting we take the ‘nice chair lift ride’ to the top of the ‘mountain’ so we could ride the water slide. I think I vomited a little in ma mouth before I retorted the “DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME CRY?!!” She then remembered my anxiety around chair lifts (there is no such thing as a ‘nice chair lift ride’) and we made the trek up the stairs.

7. Saying “I just passed away” is not the same as “I just passed out”. Just to be clear. I don’t want people to start the funeral arrangements for daughter who said she “passed away” whilst lounging in a chair in the summer heat…poor girl. I think somebody was eyeing her room and planning to pilfer her eye shadow collection…

8. Standing in the underbelly of a large ship with four thousand of your closest friends with no AC and lined up like targets in a shooting contest all in the name of ‘safety’ doesn’t really work well for me. Hence the nausea, intense sweating and hyperventilating that went on before I moved out to get air. I think if we ever were in a dire situation and we needed life boats, I’ll jump, thanks. I tend to like air…and breathing. Breathing is good. I’ll chance the drowning…and the sharks. Sharks are our friends, right? Right?

9. Apparently, there is no such thing as ‘too much Rum’. Hmmm….

10. Packing a suitcase can be tricky when said suitcase is packed too full already and shit starts to spill out and you have to start leaving stuff behind because it’s over the weight limit. Pretty soon you’ll be approaching strangers in an airport and asking if they want to buy used t-shirts or shoes or ‘look, it’s pretty! Hardly worn…underwear’ . That’s when airport security gets a little ‘annoyed’ and asks you to cease and desist with the Undergarment Giveaway Extravaganza you had planned. Damnit. Soo much decent underwear to be won by the many weary travellers just LOOKING for a great pair of boxers. Ugh.

I leave you with the best line of the vacay:

Heard on the plane as we were about to touchdown in St. John’s, my nine year old neighbour promptly asks what day it is. Friday, we say. “Hey, it’s Happy Hour now. Might as well break out the Tequila! Vacation isn’t over yet!”

AWESOME….I like the way she thinks….