Tag Archives: Life

Gawd, Mary You’re Such a – What Is a Side Lateral Raise With a Garlic Press?!

Posted in Misguided Musings by
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Yeah!  Kinda, sorta…

I think as I’m getting older, my patience is tending to wane.  I’m also getting more and more incapable of remaining in an upright position…in any situation.  See this.   AND, my ability to stay attentive and focused on something any longer than sixty seconds is careening into near dementia-like capacity.  Seriously.

I’ve noticed lately, that when directions are given (like in bootcamp class) I listen for all of five whole seconds and then my mind wanders… ‘gee, I wonder how long I can hold my breath under water these days.  I wonder if the weather is going to get any better by the time I leave.  Has the U.S totally gone bonkers?  Trump is a royal asshole.  What?  Bicep curl, got it.   Gee, did I turn off the stove this morning?  I DON’T USE THE STOVE AT 5AM.   Gawd, pay attention.  What did she say?  What the hell does French Press mean?  Like, Garlic press but better because it’s French and so… wine?   I don’t think there’s wine here.  Did I buy wine?  Do I need some for tonight?  Who’s coming over for wine?  I love wine.’

Then, by the time the actual workout station is upon me, I have totally forgotten/not noticed/no fucking clue what the hell ‘lateral row with elastic’ means, so I invariably make it up.  Yep, I’m there doing some shit I totally invented thinking, ‘Gawd, this must be it’ and ‘I’m totally killing this shit’.  Then coach eyes me suspiciously and comes over to show me the opposite of what I’m doing…so, I’m wrong? How did THAT happen?  I think my new exercise rocks….or not.

Is it sunny out yet?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?!

So it goes for daily work, family stuff…writing time…driving…I really shouldn’t drive with children or impressionable youth in my car.  I tend to be, um, what’s the word…annoyed?  Hmm….INTOLERANT is probably a better description.  It’s my inability to comprehend the logic behind many, many drivers on the roads which sends me into classic tirades on considerate driving habits, rules of the road, WHY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MERGE REALLY MEANS.  Struggles.

So, getting back to the original topic I’m turning fifty, I’m losing my mind, I can’t walk on ice or rain soaked pavement, I hate drivers, I love dogs and I love wine.

The End.

  1. Downton Abbey totally gets the “This Shit is Awesome” Award for Edith’s epic rant of simply “YOU’RE A BITCH, MARY!!”

And so she is, Edith.  So. She. Is.

Lady Mary

“Gawd, Mary…get a sense of humour.”

I think I fist pumped the dog after that one.

 

 

 

 

 

The Phone Poltergeists are Taking Over the World

Posted in Misguided Musings by

My phone is possessed.  I have dropped it twelve too many times and now it simply does whatever the fuck it wants.  Like switching apps at random times.  Fading my background to eerie France-like colours that was all in support of Je Suis Charlie last year, but not my choice right now.  I like actually being able to view what’s on my home screen.  While I’m still a supporter of France (who isn’t?  Uh, wine) I don’t think the colors should be fading in and out on my phone.  It also has decided to start prank-calling random people on my contact list at very inopportune times of the day. Like 5am.   I received a voice mail from the breeder of Mags desperately asking if the dog was all right since I have called her twice and hung up.  Apparently, that signals ‘dog emergency’ and she became concerned that Mags had become a crazed victim of rabies, or biting or anti-social behaviour.  All of which are more than a possibility, however, I was forced to send breeder a soothing text alighting that Mags was indeed alive and well and, albeit anti-social and a pain in my ass, still fine.  Not rabid.  Not lost.  Not eating shit off the floor…wait.  Okay, maybe that last one.  I dismissed attempting to tell her my phone called her all by itself…Suuuure it did.  Like who would believe a phone can make phone calls all by itself?  Next, you’ll tell me there’s an artificial intelligence movement where machines will eventually take over the world and we should be cautious….

ai4

 

Mmmm…K.

I’ve taken to blaming the strange events as the work of Perry the Poltergeist. Icons are being activated without my hand being anywhere near the phone and my home screen scares me.  I stare at it waiting for Pennywise from It to appear and scare the beejesus out of me.  Seriously.  I even had to alert friends on FB assuring them that I was not prank calling at 5:00am and if I ever DID do that, I certainly would have done more than simply hung up.  Gawd, do you know me at all?!  The very least would have been heavy breathing…then maniacal laughter…I’m liking this idea..

So, if you have fallen victim to my evil phone, I apologize.  AND, if you receive a prank call very early in the morning, it wasn’t me…probably.  It was that Perry…He can be such a dick sometimes…

Dec. 2014 065

Mags.  Still ok and eating shit off the floor…

 

 

A Practical Guide to Surviving Holiday Parties

Posted in Misguided Musings by

 

Christmas is a wonderful season full of good will and good friends and family.  Parties and social gatherings are a given at this time of year, and getting together at work socials and/or a spouse’s work social can be a stressful and anxiety inducing event.   Here are my top tips for enjoying these special occasions while maintaining your dignity and Christmas spirit and enthusiasm for the season.  Enjoy!

  • Be prepared ahead of time by drinking a few cocktails before leaving your house (ensuring you are transported safely by a designated driver…I’m all about safety) that way you will be more at ease and further inclined to tell better jokes…which invariably leads to you laughing at them yourself…at least SOMEBODY will find you funny!
  • Wear your festive garb with pride. Nobody likes a fuddy-duddy and nothing says getting into the Christmas spirit more than wearing that fugly sweater with matching flashing earrings and socks.  Remember…everybody will be drunk eventually and will laud all over you with sentiment and admiration for your bravery….and awesome fashion sense. You will rock that partay.
  • Stash the Elf on the Shelf dude in a hidden place with a half empty bottle of whiskey during the party. The host will have fun discovering it later when she cleans up and then instantly blames her husband for his awful taste and poor judgement….and wasting a perfectly good bottle of Jack on a stuffed elf.
  • Be sure to bring a party favour for the host. Christmas is about giving so bring something nice along to thank her for inviting you.  Like wine.  Wine is good. Be sure to crack that bottle open at the party when she’s not looking, that way you can taste it and make sure it’s suitable!  Then you can toast your good taste and generous spirit by drinking her gift.  You rock!
  •  Compliment her Christmas tree and decorating finesse during the party.  Later, when everybody is hammered you can ‘fix’ it by rearranging all the ornaments to look like her three year old snuck out and got creative.  She’ll be sure to admire it  after she finds her angel face down in a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps and tinsel strewn around all corners of the house.  Again, she’ll blame Hubby…
  • Find a nice quiet corner to sit and contemplate the true meaning of Christmas whilst watching everyone else drink themselves silly and discuss why Joan Jett would sing Silent Night and the Little Drummer Boy, but not Santa Baby….hmmm….then get more wine and circle the gathering by humming ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’…spread the Joan Jett Joy.
  • When eating boxed chocolates, read the chocolate guide to ensure you don’t eat the yukky cherry cream, or orange sherbet stuff or coconut cream ones. Leave those and eat the other caramel filled yummy ones.   Then replace the missing ones with the orange sherbet and coconut filled chocolates from the bottom tray.   Throw out the now empty tray and leave the one full tray of orange sherbet crap and coconut filled ones on top, that way everybody will think the box is half full, when really, it’s half empty….or it IS half full…of crappy chocolate.  Either way, it’s a psychological thing.  They’ll be happy that they scored a full load of chocolate and you’ll have already eaten the best ones!  Win-Win!  You’re all about spreading Christmas cheer….

 

There you have it.  You are now all set for the Christmas parties that are sure to come your way!  Enjoy yourself and remember, elves and Jack go together like wine and me…sweet and…well, we’ll just leave it at sweet. 

 

 

Tragic Tale of The Washer That Won’t Wash 

Posted in Misguided Musings, Uncategorized by

We are running out of clean clothes. Close to three weeks with no working washing machine and I’m about ready to lose my shit. Seriously, I’ve called the company from the washing Gods at least seven times and yesterday, I reached my boiling point. I yelled…I never yell…I scared my daughter who ran upstairs when she heard me exclaim “I HAVE THREE KIDS, A DOG AND NO WASHING MACHINE TO WASH ANYTHING!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? HUH?! HUH?!! WHAT?!” (The dog has nothing to do with washing anything, it’s not like I have a newborn baby around who poops in her pants and throws up over everything, but I thought I’d toss in the fact that I’m a loyal pet owner who likes to keep stuff clean….I thought I could induce sympathy, but apparently the washing machine company from hell is void of feelings…and compassion to pet owners. AND MULTIPLE CHILDREN. They probably hate babies and kittens and those baby chimps dressed up like little dolls, too. Bastards) To which multiple apologies came over the phone with the ‘ma’am’…I hate the ‘ma’am’ Ugh.

So, in the end nothing happened. The motor was replaced and the machine that shouldn’t be called a machine, but a lame piece of expensive- dirty- laundry- dumping- area, still sits there mocking me. NOT WORKING. “Ha-ha told ‘ya they wouldn’t help. Now you have to spend more money than what I’m worth to fix me, so I can break down and sit here and mock you again…I think I’ll have an implosion and spontaneously combust….how does Dec. 24th sound? He-he-he” Asshole.

I’m gonna have some wine and think about how best to drunk-text the washing machine company….I’ll inundate their inboxes with pictures of puppies and cute little monkies and piglets….and say, ‘THIS IS WHO YOU WON’T FIX A MACHINE FOR! THE BABY ANIMALS OF THE WORLD IMPLORE YOU TO FIX MA WASHER…THEY NEED CLEAN LITTLE DRESS UP CLOTHES!!!”  

There.

That otta do it.  

 

 

 

Write a Blog Post

Posted in Books, Misguided Musings by

Write a blog post

It needs to be done

Write a blog post

People are waiting for one

Write a blog post

You have nothing else to do

But write a blog post

It can only be you.

Memories of Drowning and Other Stories

 

So, I’m now an official Indie author.  My book hit the Amazon jungle on Sunday.  I’m not sure how I feel about it, yet.   It’s like taking a little piece of your soul and throwing it up in the air, waiting for somebody to catch it.  And hold it.  And like it, just a little bit.

The silence is what’s awkward.  Not knowing if people will like it and hoping nobody takes it and trashes it into nothingness.   It’s weird, really.  I’ve been flung into the virtual abyss with nothing, not even a life jacket to keep me from going under…scary place, this cyber universe.  But I did it to myself.  I put myself out into the big wide world to see what’s what…no point in turning around and running back home.  Might as well hang out a bit and see who gives me a nod.

So, I’m going to be annoying.  I’m going to make a complete nuisance of myself and be in your face and stare at you until you get all uncomfortable and move around in your chair looking for the nearest exit.  I may even follow you to the door…but I’ll be out here a while, so send me back a coffee or a donut or even a warm blankie, will ‘ya?

It’s a bit chilly out here…..