Gawd, Mary You’re Such a – What Is a Side Lateral Raise With a Garlic Press?!

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Yeah!  Kinda, sorta…

I think as I’m getting older, my patience is tending to wane.  I’m also getting more and more incapable of remaining in an upright position…in any situation.  See this.   AND, my ability to stay attentive and focused on something any longer than sixty seconds is careening into near dementia-like capacity.  Seriously.

I’ve noticed lately, that when directions are given (like in bootcamp class) I listen for all of five whole seconds and then my mind wanders… ‘gee, I wonder how long I can hold my breath under water these days.  I wonder if the weather is going to get any better by the time I leave.  Has the U.S totally gone bonkers?  Trump is a royal asshole.  What?  Bicep curl, got it.   Gee, did I turn off the stove this morning?  I DON’T USE THE STOVE AT 5AM.   Gawd, pay attention.  What did she say?  What the hell does French Press mean?  Like, Garlic press but better because it’s French and so… wine?   I don’t think there’s wine here.  Did I buy wine?  Do I need some for tonight?  Who’s coming over for wine?  I love wine.’

Then, by the time the actual workout station is upon me, I have totally forgotten/not noticed/no fucking clue what the hell ‘lateral row with elastic’ means, so I invariably make it up.  Yep, I’m there doing some shit I totally invented thinking, ‘Gawd, this must be it’ and ‘I’m totally killing this shit’.  Then coach eyes me suspiciously and comes over to show me the opposite of what I’m doing…so, I’m wrong? How did THAT happen?  I think my new exercise rocks….or not.

Is it sunny out yet?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?!

So it goes for daily work, family stuff…writing time…driving…I really shouldn’t drive with children or impressionable youth in my car.  I tend to be, um, what’s the word…annoyed?  Hmm….INTOLERANT is probably a better description.  It’s my inability to comprehend the logic behind many, many drivers on the roads which sends me into classic tirades on considerate driving habits, rules of the road, WHY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MERGE REALLY MEANS.  Struggles.

So, getting back to the original topic I’m turning fifty, I’m losing my mind, I can’t walk on ice or rain soaked pavement, I hate drivers, I love dogs and I love wine.

The End.

  1. Downton Abbey totally gets the “This Shit is Awesome” Award for Edith’s epic rant of simply “YOU’RE A BITCH, MARY!!”

And so she is, Edith.  So. She. Is.

Lady Mary

“Gawd, Mary…get a sense of humour.”

I think I fist pumped the dog after that one.

 

 

 

 

 

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Shit I Learned This Week

1.Just because one is approaching the dreaded 50 year old mark at an alarming rate, does not mean one has to look OLD.  “Jesus, I’m going to bed with Rosie O’Donnell”…yeah.

2.   The Sears Repairman is as nice as nice can be, but knows shit about fixing shit, promises a part that is not in stock and hasn’t been since hockey was invented, and really has no interest in returning phone calls.

3.   Working is a part of life and it may not be your dream job, but it’s a job and be thankful for it…and heat is optional.

4.   The bathroom scale likes to fuck with your head on a weekly basis.  It’s basically that asshole on the back of the bus who says mean things and throws spit wads at you so you can turn around and give him the finger…then you get caught for making ‘inappropriate’ gestures.

5.   Exercising is painful but needs to be done.  Just like cleaning the toilet or cleaning up the dog poop or fundraising for hockey so people won’t send a torch-lit-pitch-fork-carrying posse after your ass…although, that sounds like more fun to me.

6.   People generally want to be left alone…unless you have cake.

7.   Beer is the only way to get a man to do anything useful.

8.   There’s a place for everything and everything in its place…unless you forget where that place is and then shit gets lost forever.

9.   When a young adult who is living in your house laments she has no money, she really means “I don’t wanna spend my money on stuff you can buy for me if you were a nice mom and not a mean mom like we all know you really are”.

10.When the neighbour’s kid stays for supper and you invariably serve something only one level above canned soup and grilled cheese but it’s really a mish-mash of left overs you threw in a casserole dish and poured sauce and cheese over it, and he says “it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted.” You know he’s lying but you love it anyways because the kid finally ate something at your house that didn’t involve stale chips and flat pop.  I hope his mother is reading this.  I ACTUALLY FED YOUR KID SOMETHING KINDA SORTA HEALTHY AND HE DIDN’T DIE!  THERE WAS BROCCOLI IN IT!   And then, when your kid gives you a kiss and the neighbour’s kid jokingly asks for one too and you give him one on the cheek…he gets all giddy and runs downstairs.  Best. Time. Ever.

11.Downton Abbey is the show that doesn’t mind killing off main characters, being controversial and throwing Dame Maggie Smith all the cool one liners only a badass British Grandmother with a couple of Oscars on her mantle can handle. In other words, it’s awesome.

Badass...

Badass…

12.The U.S. banned all the cool Super Bowl commercials from being shown on Canadian television stations.  Does that mean they can ban the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo from showing up here, too?  Please??????

13.People still can’t explain Chandler Bing’s job.

14.I think most days at work when I’m asked a totally bizarre question, my reaction is close to resembling Jim from Taxi.

Ugh...my head hurts

Ugh…my head hurts

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!