What’s With All the Sloths?

Friday I had a day to myself to paint a couple of rooms in my house (okay, one but it was the entry way AND the closet, so essentially that is two AREAS…AKA ROOMS.  Stop judging. )  During that quiet one-on-one time with ma walls, I had some interesting thoughts ranging from the noisy neighbours outside, to Jesus.  Which then led me to the seven deadly sins… what exactly are the seven deadly sins, anyway?  And are they really THAT deadly?   Just to scare you a little, here is just a snippet of the conversation in my head.

Oh, Jesus jealous much?

Jesus can’t be jealous.  Isn’t that one of the seven deadly sins?  You know like gluttony, greed, slothiness…slothness?  Hmm…slutty sloth or slothy slut?  Something like that?  Can sloths really be sluts?  ‘cause they have to actually move and stuff.  That may take a full day of energy.  All the other female sloths would be like, “Look at her she’s such a slut.  She slept with one sloth in like one week.  Tramp” Seriously, it would be a week’s worth of work for them.  They’re so…slothy.  That’s my new word.  Slothy.

And I think it would be virtually impossible for a slut to be slothy…being a slut is an active pursuit, I imagine.  So one would be busy.  Slothy implies slow and lazy, so…that won’t work.

Hey, kid stop being so slothy. Speed it up!

That old man is driving so slothy.  I can’t even handle it!

Snail mail is slothy.

So is dial-up internet.

And Heinz ketchup.

And sloths.

Of course an argument could be made that the word ‘slow’ is just as appropriate, but slothy has a better ring to it.  Plus, I made it up so…I win.

And really, sloths are kinda cute in a fuzzy-claws-of-death kind of way.

’m gonna woo you with my slothiness….and claws. And I’m not the tramp that one over there is.  Stop judging, okay?

I’m gonna woo you with my slothiness….and claws. And I’m not the tramp that one over there is.  Stop judging, okay?

Obviously, painting frees up some creative thoughts about sloths and Jesus.  Next time, maybe I can ponder stop signs… they really should be titled ‘slow the fuck down’ signs.

I still have more rooms to paint.  So much to think about….

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Top Ten Reasons People Think I Have Issues

I thought of this post at exactly 3:25am whilst taking the dog out to pee and upon returning to bed, realizing I was completely awake.  Had I not been so lazy, I would have written the post as it happened in my head, but writing at 3:30 in the morning is not my thing.  So I willed myself to remember at least a few of the points so I could amaze and delight you with it now.  I remembered exactly two…the rest I’ve made up hoping they are as funny now as they seemed to me at 3:30 in the fucking morning…I’m hilarious in the middle of the night.

I have strange dreams that I insist on detailing to Hubby, like the time I dreamed there were elephants wandering around in Churchill Square and we should go down and see the baby elephants as they were especially cute…

I refuse to lend any participation in the silly notion that my attendance to any academic institution’s so-called ‘curriculum night’ is deathly important and if I do not attend, I would be considered a ‘bad parent’. The last time I attended one such event, it was in 2009/2010 or thereabouts and I got lost during the whole “okay, do what your kid would do and go to all of her classes”, and just gave up and went home. And had wine, which is a much better option if I do say so myself…

I drink wine and talk about it…a lot. So? Wine.I am impatient when I drive and complain constantly about it and the dumb-dumb in front of me is driving under 90km ON THE HIGHWAY and it’s a nice dry day…which is rare, but still. You would think he could see me in his rearview mirror as I make face like this:  Diaz Bad teacher

Apparently, he does not bend to driver pressure…GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.  SAY NO TO BULLYING…

I can’t decide at what temperature I am comfortable and get greatly distressed by others who find it perfectly perfect all of the time…IT’S NOT PERFECTLY PERFECT!  IT’S BLESSED HOT AND COLD AT THE SAME TIME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.  I need layers…and a blanket…and an ice pack.  Wine.  I need wine

I can’t make a decision. I think…wait.  Maybe not, the other day I decided to wear a dress, but then it looked like it would rain so I decided to change into jeans.  I then questioned my decision when the sun came out later that day…so, basically I decided to be flexible in my wardrobe choices and DECIDED to lament about them regularly.  I decisioned the shit out of that!

I send random emails to all the ladies in the ‘hood every week to let them know I’m still alive and to induce voluminous chatter about nothing in particular because I’m a badass, ‘yo…or incredibly bored…or both. And they actually lead me to believe they read the emails diligently and appreciate my sarcasm and blatant disregard for politeness and etiquette…that’s true friendship…

I tell my kids that no one will ever like them as much as I do and they need to honour my memory when I die with flowers and written effigies of affection…to which they roll their eyes and say “Yeah, okay. Whatever that means” They truly love me.

I continue to harbor a deep desire to acquire a zombie gnome and decorate my front lawn with it…or several…and perhaps spread the joy and put one on the lawn across the street…I could scare the shit out of Cuddles the cat…hmmm….

Sometimes, I get a little sweary…like when I drive… or had some wine (not at the same time)…or when I walk…run…trip over concrete barriers THAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE…am forced on a ski lift/chair lift/death ride from hell…am denied morning coffee…just sat through an hour of ‘blah, blah, as a parent you should assist your child with homework, blah, blah, blah’…can’t find the chocolate I hid yesterday…forced to speak to anyone at Bell (that includes Daughter when she tries to tell me something that makes total sense to her because she has swallowed the Bell- Koolaid, but to totally rational adults like me, it’s complete asshattery designed to confuse and disorient and then take all your money…sorta like the bank on acid).

There you have it.  You would think I have issues, but really I don’t…really.

Hand over the chocolate.

And wine.

Fall With a Side of Jesus Toast

Fall seems to have arrived with a little trepidation around these parts. After a ghastly August by all accounts…we were away during August, but the reports were not good…September has been kinda-okay. And I say that while inhaling slowly and crossing my fingers that the rain that is currently beating down the windows will only last for today and give way to sunny skies and mild temps once again. That has been the norm this month….

fall leaves
So, that ends the weather portion of this blog post. In other news, I haven’t died.
Or fallen off Signal Hill.
Or been recruited to solicit Jesus pamphlets door-to-door…although, that does sound like a hoot, doesn’t it?
Because I wouldn’t be able to pander Jesus pamphlets with a straight face and without being a tad sarcastic….”No, really lady you need to know about Jesus. I have this plastic Jesus mold right here that can be used to make toast in Jesus’ likeness, so every morning you can make Jesus toast and feel like you’ve truly had a Blessed Breakfast”… “or Holy Bread” ….JESUS EGGS!!! OMG that would be great. Jesus eggs…the ultimate in Sacred Omelets….why hasn’t any breakfast chains like IHop picked up on this yet?
Come in for Sunday brunch and have Jesus Toast and Holy Eggs cooked the way He would like…sunny side up, but hold the pork products.
Forget the Last Supper, how about the Blessed Breakfast?
Bountiful Brunch?
Sorry, I’ll stop now.
This has been a wonderful distraction. I’ll get back to doing whatever it was I was doing before the whole Jesus thing began.
I’m glad we had this talk.

It's Jesus!  In toast!  Brilliant.

It’s Jesus! In toast! Brilliant.

The Positives of Positivity

I wanted to write another Top Ten, but since I couldn’t come up with anything original or interesting for you folks, you’re stuck with whatever pops into ma head next. Soooo….summer is over.

How’s that for positivity?

The fall winds have begun to blow and there goes summer, gone in a puff. What happened? Summer is so brief around here, we have to relish every second. And for the most part, we did. There were barbeques, regattas, birthdays, hot days (rare, but July was one of the hottest here…yay for me!), reading, swearing, drinking which led to more swearing, and finally vacay…2.0. It was awesome and we are all still friends, which is a tribute to great friendships but even better to rum. Yeah.

The dog survived her two and half weeks away from us, the house stood without spontaneously combusting, the cars remained intact and we are all still in one piece…no bumps, no scars but a little bruised…still not sure what that was from.

The girls are back to university, the kid is in his first year of high school (Gawd, I’m old) and I am still here.
Another year ahead of hockey, (ugh) part-time jobs, weekends with the ‘hood, working, writing and hubby complaining…because I think that’s his favorite hobby.

I think New Year’s resolutions should be made in the fall, that way we can make them while we are still in a good mood from the summer. Everything is still bright and shiny like the new pencils we bought for school and our new running shoes we got for gym.

I have some plans and I hope they get to see the light of day. In the meantime, let’s stay positive and keep on going.

I told a student today, baby steps baby. Think of last year and all the great strides you’ve made to get right here where you are today. A simple thing like walking into a building can be the biggest accomplishment you have…so take that and run with it. Doesn’t matter how big or small it is to anyone else…it only matters how big it is to you.

So, what have you accomplished this year?

Me…I’ve decided to become more inspiring…more motivational and positive. Turn stuff around so it looks better from the other side. Sometimes, all it takes is a different perspective.

So, have a great week peeps! And stay positive.

Remember…You. Are. Awesome.

Barney awesome

 

Top Ten Things I Learned on My Epic Family Summer Vacation The Sequel

As it is with ma ‘hood, we like to do stuff together. In fact, togetherness is all the rage, yo. So, behold, on the fourteenth of this past month, five and a half families(the half came in middle of said vacation when a father-son duo joined the group) decided to depart TOGETHER on the Epic Family Vacation venturing on what would become an epic fantasmic event of lost wallets, missing Disney tickets, the barbeque from hell and frogs that just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Here is a list of shit I learned whilst venturing into the wilds with nothing more than my wits and my flip flops (and alcohol…don’t forget the alcohol):

1. Blue water is good, brown water is yukky and may contain nastiness such as alligators, crocodiles, mosquitos on steroids and wasps…ewww.

2. Nothing says ‘romance’ more than sharing a room with three kids, a cot, a loose praying mantis and a veritable array of alcoholic beverages that do not go well with oatmeal. ugh.

3. Barbeques work especially well when the propane tank is attached and actually filled with propane. When the inevitable ’empty tank’ situation occurs, the next best thing is to ‘borrow’ the neighbour’s barbeque…only beware. Their anti-theft shit is awesome. Four men couldn’t open the tank….it took yours truly, a stealthy little can opener and five minutes of hacking to get that baby to move. I know…I rock. I was proud to announce ma prowess with barbeques after the men all sat back down and recommenced to chugging the beers they were consuming pre-barbeque valve contest. There should have been prize money involved…at least a free t-shirt that read “I OPENED THE BARBEQUE TANK WITH A CAN OPENER. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?” yeah.

Yay!  VACATION!!

Yay! VACATION!!

4. Attending Disney is better when you actually remember to bring the tickets. This did not happen to me, but to poor Birthday Girl who forgot the tickets, however, did wisely take pics of them and showed them to the nice lady at Blizzard Beach, who promptly issued new ones. We love her. AND, Birthday Girl’s mom who had to endure the “This is how you take a picture with iphone and email said picture” lesson…which was a bit lengthy, I understand.

5. Keep it in your pants, pal. The wallet, I mean. I was referring to the wallet. The escapades continued with Bday Girls’ fam as her hubby promptly lost his shit on the Summit Plummit ride…and by shit, I was referring to the wallet…which was recovered. Eventually. See? There are good people still walkin’ around out there…AND, he could have lost his shit on that ride I didn’t stick around long enough to watch the descent into madness.

6. Don’t take the fucking chair lift, please. Bday Girl made the mistake of gently suggesting we take the ‘nice chair lift ride’ to the top of the ‘mountain’ so we could ride the water slide. I think I vomited a little in ma mouth before I retorted the “DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME CRY?!!” She then remembered my anxiety around chair lifts (there is no such thing as a ‘nice chair lift ride’) and we made the trek up the stairs.

7. Saying “I just passed away” is not the same as “I just passed out”. Just to be clear. I don’t want people to start the funeral arrangements for daughter who said she “passed away” whilst lounging in a chair in the summer heat…poor girl. I think somebody was eyeing her room and planning to pilfer her eye shadow collection…

8. Standing in the underbelly of a large ship with four thousand of your closest friends with no AC and lined up like targets in a shooting contest all in the name of ‘safety’ doesn’t really work well for me. Hence the nausea, intense sweating and hyperventilating that went on before I moved out to get air. I think if we ever were in a dire situation and we needed life boats, I’ll jump, thanks. I tend to like air…and breathing. Breathing is good. I’ll chance the drowning…and the sharks. Sharks are our friends, right? Right?

9. Apparently, there is no such thing as ‘too much Rum’. Hmmm….

10. Packing a suitcase can be tricky when said suitcase is packed too full already and shit starts to spill out and you have to start leaving stuff behind because it’s over the weight limit. Pretty soon you’ll be approaching strangers in an airport and asking if they want to buy used t-shirts or shoes or ‘look, it’s pretty! Hardly worn…underwear’ . That’s when airport security gets a little ‘annoyed’ and asks you to cease and desist with the Undergarment Giveaway Extravaganza you had planned. Damnit. Soo much decent underwear to be won by the many weary travellers just LOOKING for a great pair of boxers. Ugh.

I leave you with the best line of the vacay:

Heard on the plane as we were about to touchdown in St. John’s, my nine year old neighbour promptly asks what day it is. Friday, we say. “Hey, it’s Happy Hour now. Might as well break out the Tequila! Vacation isn’t over yet!”

AWESOME….I like the way she thinks….