I thought of this post at exactly 3:25am whilst taking the dog out to pee and upon returning to bed, realizing I was completely awake.  Had I not been so lazy, I would have written the post as it happened in my head, but writing at 3:30 in the morning is not my thing.  So I willed myself to remember at least a few of the points so I could amaze and delight you with it now.  I remembered exactly two…the rest I’ve made up hoping they are as funny now as they seemed to me at 3:30 in the fucking morning…I’m hilarious in the middle of the night.

I have strange dreams that I insist on detailing to Hubby, like the time I dreamed there were elephants wandering around in Churchill Square and we should go down and see the baby elephants as they were especially cute…

I refuse to lend any participation in the silly notion that my attendance to any academic institution’s so-called ‘curriculum night’ is deathly important and if I do not attend, I would be considered a ‘bad parent’. The last time I attended one such event, it was in 2009/2010 or thereabouts and I got lost during the whole “okay, do what your kid would do and go to all of her classes”, and just gave up and went home. And had wine, which is a much better option if I do say so myself…

I drink wine and talk about it…a lot. So? Wine.I am impatient when I drive and complain constantly about it and the dumb-dumb in front of me is driving under 90km ON THE HIGHWAY and it’s a nice dry day…which is rare, but still. You would think he could see me in his rearview mirror as I make face like this:  

Apparently, he does not bend to driver pressure…GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.  SAY NO TO BULLYING…

I can’t decide at what temperature I am comfortable and get greatly distressed by others who find it perfectly perfect all of the time…IT’S NOT PERFECTLY PERFECT!  IT’S BLESSED HOT AND COLD AT THE SAME TIME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.  I need layers…and a blanket…and an ice pack.  Wine.  I need wine

I can’t make a decision. I think…wait.  Maybe not, the other day I decided to wear a dress, but then it looked like it would rain so I decided to change into jeans.  I then questioned my decision when the sun came out later that day…so, basically I decided to be flexible in my wardrobe choices and DECIDED to lament about them regularly.  I decisioned the shit out of that!

I send random emails to all the ladies in the ‘hood every week to let them know I’m still alive and to induce voluminous chatter about nothing in particular because I’m a badass, ‘yo…or incredibly bored…or both. And they actually lead me to believe they read the emails diligently and appreciate my sarcasm and blatant disregard for politeness and etiquette…that’s true friendship…

I tell my kids that no one will ever like them as much as I do and they need to honour my memory when I die with flowers and written effigies of affection…to which they roll their eyes and say “Yeah, okay. Whatever that means” They truly love me.

I continue to harbor a deep desire to acquire a zombie gnome and decorate my front lawn with it…or several…and perhaps spread the joy and put one on the lawn across the street…I could scare the shit out of Cuddles the cat…hmmm….

Sometimes, I get a little sweary…like when I drive… or had some wine (not at the same time)…or when I walk…run…trip over concrete barriers THAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE…am forced on a ski lift/chair lift/death ride from hell…am denied morning coffee…just sat through an hour of ‘blah, blah, as a parent you should assist your child with homework, blah, blah, blah’…can’t find the chocolate I hid yesterday…forced to speak to anyone at Bell (that includes Daughter when she tries to tell me something that makes total sense to her because she has swallowed the Bell- Koolaid, but to totally rational adults like me, it’s complete asshattery designed to confuse and disorient and then take all your money…sorta like the bank on acid).

There you have it.  You would think I have issues, but really I don’t…really.

Hand over the chocolate.

And wine.