Tag Archives: Musings

He wears His Height Reluctantly.

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So, hockey is finished for another season at our house. Okay, hockey as in minor hockey..there’s still Junior High hockey which is sort of like the Hunger Games, but without all the fun of dying. Each team battles it out on the ice for the supreme ultimate title of Winnah. I’m not sure what they ultimately win except bragging rights to being the Junior High victors, but I guess when you’re 14, that’s a pretty big deal. I spent the entire day Saturday watching son play two games of hockey for his Bantam B Minor hockey team. In the final game of the championship, they were beaten badly by 10-0….ouch. However, they did get silver in the supreme ultimate “Bantam B Provincial Blah Blah” title, so that’s awesome. I enjoyed watching son play, but it was quite stressful at times and I was bowing my head to the Gods of Hockey to bless him with sudden 6’7” height and behemoth mass, (a tall order, pardon the pun, from his 5’almost 2” height and 93 pound stature) in order to survive the onslaught of the other guys who actually DID look like they had been acquired from a NHL team …ugh. He managed and was proud of his play…and that silver thingy hanging around his neck. I was happy to have muddled through an entire day dedicated to a cold arena and too much coffee, and not having to cart anybody off to a hospital or say the fateful words of “how many fingers am I holding up?”
The running season is upon me and I feel its weight every time I step outside. I can feel mine too unfortunately, and I’m battling it out with the road and the cars and the hills and the rocks and the damned little ruts in the side of the road that nearly send me flying on my ass every time I hit one absently or from the wrong side of my foot. I get honks from friends who suddenly realize that it’s me running and not some lost wayward soul out toddling along after her lost dog or little lamb that darted from the farm. Do we have sheep around here? Hmmm…
It’s a struggle and with the weather being all uncooperative and stuff, it just gets me annoyed. On the forecast for tomorrow morning, the morning of my next scheduled run? Snow. Freezing fucking rain. Yay! Strap on the studded running shoes and let’s get out there in the 100 mile an hour winds and the freezing bullets of rain pelting your face until the blood starts streaming from your cheeks and you look like a character gone awry from a Stephen King novel. “Oh, look it’s Kayjai doing her best Carrie impersonation out here…ewww….Is that blood from her eyes???!!! Gawd, take it down a notch will ‘ya? I got kids in ma car”… That sounds about right.
If the weather ever gets warmer than 0, I’ll be the first one to proclaim it Spring. Until then, I’ll have to don ma protective face wear and head outside. This should do it.

The read marks add decoration. Pretty!

The red marks add decoration…pretty!

It’s not half as scary as having bloody cuts from the freezing rain, right? Right? I’ll be sure to wear a jacket that says “Jason’s Machete Emporium” with a pic of a very  sharp object on the back…
Happy Spring, Peeps!

Get Out the Shovel, Kids. We Be Hunting Easter Eggs

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The warm winds of spring came blowing this morning and in an unusually inspired move, I threw on my running shoes and headed out for the first run of the season. I didn’t die, which is something! I knew it wouldn’t be pretty, but it also wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. I didn’t push too hard and I remained steady…everything else did too. Luckily for me, there was barely anybody out and about ( no, it’s not ‘oot and aboot’..fuck off) so I was virtually invisible! Invisibility is ever so useful (Gawd I’m turning British as I write this. “Evah so wonderful, Fletcha! Fletcha?!” ) I should have Potter’s cloak since I could use it for good and not evil…most of the time. Did I mention I’m planning WORLD DOMINATION through invisibility? No? Huh. Kinda explains ma absence from the world as of late, huh? Huh? I digress….
Anyways, now that I’ve rediscovered my running bug, the weather should cooperate…BECAUSE I SAID SO. It won’t I’m sure, but one can hope. A foot of snow, anybody? Yeah…should be inundating ma driveway by ohhh…SATURDAY MAYBE??!! Ugh.
Happy Easter, Damnit! Here’s some snow and happy shoveling! I hid the chocolate Easter eggs under the mountain of snow and ice, kids. Good luck finding them! Just think how overjoyed you’ll be when you dig through the snow with one of those plastic shovels you use at the beach, and find a practically frozen chocolate egg stuck to the pavement on the driveway. In a spirited display of Easter verve, the neighbour gets out the blow torch and melts that sucker until it’s no longer stuck and just a puddle of chocolate ooziness all over the clean semi-dry pavement. Yummmm….. Don’t get chocolate all over your mittens, kid. Somebody has to clean that shit up! Yay Easter!

These babies are going diving in the snow

These babies are going diving in the snow

Maybe I should hide eggs in the shed, too. Put some in the snow blower so when Hubby goes to use it, EGGS GO A’FLYIN’ !! It’ll be like the turkey toss from WKRP that went horribly awry, only with chocolate eggs flying through the air. The neighbours should watch out, lest they lose an eye from a bulleting Easter egg hurtling through space. “Pat! Duck! You almost got winged by that pretty purple Easter Egg!”


With any luck, her cat will eat it….
Ahhh….it’s all fun until somebody loses an eye.
Happy Easter and play safe with those eggs. No, you can’t borrow my blow torch…I’ll need it come Sunday morning. We’ll be making smores and singing Kumbaya in hopes Spring will return before June…

 

I Blame The Polar Vortex, The Black Hole and The Higgs Boson Particle For My Inability To Walk Without Falling…and Rob Ford

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As I took my (hopefully) last and fateful fall in the driveway by way of black ice, ( I shall call it black ice ‘cause it was ice and the pavement is black and I didn’t see it with all that glaring ball of light shining in my eyes last week..something we have not seen most of these 5 mths of hell…otherwise known as winter) I began to laugh, only it hurt so much I had to stop and realized if H was looking out her window right at that exact moment, she would have caught me just gangling up from behind my car and looking to my right at the man and children pretending not to have seen my butt slam, only to almost slip again from all the laughter and hilarity going on…and then watch as my car door slammed the mirror on daughter’s car. A great start to an obviously even greater day!
My shoulder has been ripped in several locations due to my ever evolving ‘exercise journey’ that involved one too many downward dogs and pushups. I can only assume this from the overzealous amount of pain that has decided to envelop me, leaving me sobbing in pain a few nights as no sleeping position was comfortable. The dog kept rescuing socks from the laundry basket in hopes that these gifts would appease my crying. Gifts of socks are always appreciated, but at the witching hour of midnight, I could have done without. I managed to get a spot that was a lesser degree of pain from exquisite (doctors call pain ‘uncomfortable’ or ‘exquisite’…never ‘excruciating’…they’ve obviously never given birth sans pain relievers or epidurals..or torn muscles in their shoulders they never realized they had) and got a few hours rest. It still hurts. I need chocolate and alcohol. Maybe a sling. A new shoulder? A varying degrees of drugs – street or legal….oh, sorry “medication”….ugh.
I’ve been absent from the blogosphere as of late and have no reason whatsoever for my lack of presence than…ummm….wait a minute, I’m thinking… Laziness…hmm…yep, that about sums it up.

Lazeh..lazy…lazarona….lazarooni…lazalazalaxidaisical laziness.

Me. I’ll get a t-shirt with that emblazoned on the front.
Me: LAZALAZALAXIDAISICAL LAZINESS QUEEN.
BOW TO YOUR QUEEN.
WAIT. DON’T GET UP. STAY THERE. IT’S MORE COMFY AND STUFF. I KNOW YOU WANNA BOW, SO THAT COUNTS. MAKE ROOM, I’M COMIN’ OVER. IT’S EXHAUSTING BEING A QUEEN.
MY SHOULDER HURTS..… I NEED ICE.

NO, NOT FOR MY SHOULDER FOR MA DRINK! GEESH.

exhausted meme

 

Shit I Learned This Week

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1.Just because one is approaching the dreaded 50 year old mark at an alarming rate, does not mean one has to look OLD.  “Jesus, I’m going to bed with Rosie O’Donnell”…yeah.

2.   The Sears Repairman is as nice as nice can be, but knows shit about fixing shit, promises a part that is not in stock and hasn’t been since hockey was invented, and really has no interest in returning phone calls.

3.   Working is a part of life and it may not be your dream job, but it’s a job and be thankful for it…and heat is optional.

4.   The bathroom scale likes to fuck with your head on a weekly basis.  It’s basically that asshole on the back of the bus who says mean things and throws spit wads at you so you can turn around and give him the finger…then you get caught for making ‘inappropriate’ gestures.

5.   Exercising is painful but needs to be done.  Just like cleaning the toilet or cleaning up the dog poop or fundraising for hockey so people won’t send a torch-lit-pitch-fork-carrying posse after your ass…although, that sounds like more fun to me.

6.   People generally want to be left alone…unless you have cake.

7.   Beer is the only way to get a man to do anything useful.

8.   There’s a place for everything and everything in its place…unless you forget where that place is and then shit gets lost forever.

9.   When a young adult who is living in your house laments she has no money, she really means “I don’t wanna spend my money on stuff you can buy for me if you were a nice mom and not a mean mom like we all know you really are”.

10.When the neighbour’s kid stays for supper and you invariably serve something only one level above canned soup and grilled cheese but it’s really a mish-mash of left overs you threw in a casserole dish and poured sauce and cheese over it, and he says “it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted.” You know he’s lying but you love it anyways because the kid finally ate something at your house that didn’t involve stale chips and flat pop.  I hope his mother is reading this.  I ACTUALLY FED YOUR KID SOMETHING KINDA SORTA HEALTHY AND HE DIDN’T DIE!  THERE WAS BROCCOLI IN IT!   And then, when your kid gives you a kiss and the neighbour’s kid jokingly asks for one too and you give him one on the cheek…he gets all giddy and runs downstairs.  Best. Time. Ever.

11.Downton Abbey is the show that doesn’t mind killing off main characters, being controversial and throwing Dame Maggie Smith all the cool one liners only a badass British Grandmother with a couple of Oscars on her mantle can handle. In other words, it’s awesome.

Badass...

Badass…

12.The U.S. banned all the cool Super Bowl commercials from being shown on Canadian television stations.  Does that mean they can ban the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo from showing up here, too?  Please??????

13.People still can’t explain Chandler Bing’s job.

14.I think most days at work when I’m asked a totally bizarre question, my reaction is close to resembling Jim from Taxi.

Ugh...my head hurts

Ugh…my head hurts

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!

The Book Bag Has Gone A’Missing! Oh, Mon Dieu!

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Case of the Missing Book Bag (2)Son’s book bag took to hiding this morning.  My pictorial version of the events, with Mags the Wonder Dog looking on in all of her cuteness. My artistic talent knows no bounds!!  We sent son off to school thinking he left it on the bus.  Oops, our bad.  Turns out, D1 had taken his book bag down to her room the night before mistakenly thinking it was hers…they’re both black.  Hence, the argument for hers to have some colour in it and not simply the big MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY written on the outside in white lettering.  Yeah.

So, son rode the bus in utter panic thinking it was gone forever.  I called the school once it was found and the secretary knew that ma little Rain Man was upset at the impending doom of his book bag.  It was returned before lunch.  Tragedy averted…order was restored to the universe.  You. Are. Welcome.

AND, we are a  bi-lingual household…even the dog speaks French!  And the inanimate objects!  Okay, no we’re not, but it makes for interesting bubble chatter…