Shit I Learned This Week

1.Just because one is approaching the dreaded 50 year old mark at an alarming rate, does not mean one has to look OLD.  “Jesus, I’m going to bed with Rosie O’Donnell”…yeah.

2.   The Sears Repairman is as nice as nice can be, but knows shit about fixing shit, promises a part that is not in stock and hasn’t been since hockey was invented, and really has no interest in returning phone calls.

3.   Working is a part of life and it may not be your dream job, but it’s a job and be thankful for it…and heat is optional.

4.   The bathroom scale likes to fuck with your head on a weekly basis.  It’s basically that asshole on the back of the bus who says mean things and throws spit wads at you so you can turn around and give him the finger…then you get caught for making ‘inappropriate’ gestures.

5.   Exercising is painful but needs to be done.  Just like cleaning the toilet or cleaning up the dog poop or fundraising for hockey so people won’t send a torch-lit-pitch-fork-carrying posse after your ass…although, that sounds like more fun to me.

6.   People generally want to be left alone…unless you have cake.

7.   Beer is the only way to get a man to do anything useful.

8.   There’s a place for everything and everything in its place…unless you forget where that place is and then shit gets lost forever.

9.   When a young adult who is living in your house laments she has no money, she really means “I don’t wanna spend my money on stuff you can buy for me if you were a nice mom and not a mean mom like we all know you really are”.

10.When the neighbour’s kid stays for supper and you invariably serve something only one level above canned soup and grilled cheese but it’s really a mish-mash of left overs you threw in a casserole dish and poured sauce and cheese over it, and he says “it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted.” You know he’s lying but you love it anyways because the kid finally ate something at your house that didn’t involve stale chips and flat pop.  I hope his mother is reading this.  I ACTUALLY FED YOUR KID SOMETHING KINDA SORTA HEALTHY AND HE DIDN’T DIE!  THERE WAS BROCCOLI IN IT!   And then, when your kid gives you a kiss and the neighbour’s kid jokingly asks for one too and you give him one on the cheek…he gets all giddy and runs downstairs.  Best. Time. Ever.

11.Downton Abbey is the show that doesn’t mind killing off main characters, being controversial and throwing Dame Maggie Smith all the cool one liners only a badass British Grandmother with a couple of Oscars on her mantle can handle. In other words, it’s awesome.

Badass...

Badass…

12.The U.S. banned all the cool Super Bowl commercials from being shown on Canadian television stations.  Does that mean they can ban the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo from showing up here, too?  Please??????

13.People still can’t explain Chandler Bing’s job.

14.I think most days at work when I’m asked a totally bizarre question, my reaction is close to resembling Jim from Taxi.

Ugh...my head hurts

Ugh…my head hurts

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!

I HAVE NO SWEET CLUE!

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32 thoughts on “Shit I Learned This Week

  1. I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad that I can relate to every one of your points. The only difference between you and I, I reached that dreaded 50 mark a couple of years ago. I didn’t like it.

  2. since turning fifty nearly six months ago, I learned a few tricks to make the change more bearable. First off, the bathroom scale. The trick is to buy one with very small print. The older we get, the worst our eye sight gets, and the numbers are harder to see.

    Here’s one I learned in the city. Piss off some hoodie wearing teen, and then run like hell while he chases you with an open knife. great for cardio-vascular!

    if the office is lacking heat, nothing better to do with those unclaimed test papers than start a little fire in the waste paper basket. Two benefits here…one, you get warm, and the best benefit of all, the fire alarm goes off, and they close the building.

    as far as kids go, being fifty has its benefits. If you can’t find your glasses and your hearing aid batteries just went dead you can’t see kids or hear them….benefit to growing old.

    and when all else fails, Kraft Dinner all the way! Enjoy fifty….I am!

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