I Played Poker With Uncle Jesse And Lost

uncle jesse

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Playahs:   Miss H, Mrs. Jacked,  Mr. Frankie,  KS, Mr. Toyota, Rogue, Coach

Nurse Betty, Birthday Girl, Mr. Bing, Frankie, Mr. Jacked, Bestie, Mr. Banker

The Event:   Couples Poker

The Place:  The lovely and lively abode of KS and Mr. Banker…three dogs and two kids….lively.

Where was Rogue’s other half? Sick in bed

Who took his place? Why, Bestie of course.  Her Hubby was AWOL as well…so we coupled up.  We’re trampy like that.

Who won?  Stop rushing me, I’ll get to that.

The evening began like any other.  The house was alive with the sound of puppies barking.  Yeah, I’m not the only intelligent human who decided to get a dog…only KS went a step further and bought TWO.  Must have been a BOGO sale.

Anywho, we were all placed at our tables after reading the seating arrangements and  deftly mocking Mr. Bing’s  poker table cloth.  What? IT’S A POKER TABLE CLOTH!!  So funny.    I was swiftly seated at the GROWN UP  table with the first Playahs listed.  Not sure how I registered as GROWN UP… must have been my maturity and professionalism on one of my rants when I referred to everybody (not as in my lovely neighbours ‘everybody’, but everybody else…)  as assholes.  Obviously a step-up from my usual reference of ‘fuckwits’ and ‘asshats’.  Score one for maturity.

Seated at the Kid table was the second line of Playahs listed…interesting mix.  There is strategy in everything people, so there was strategy in this one.  No couples to sit together.  What?  You were expecting something more complicated?   Uh, nope.  That’s pretty much it.  I was fairly confident at the beginning of the game especially with two previous wins under my belt and since I was seated next to Mr. Toyota whose track record for winning at Couples poker is a little, well, to put it nicely, suck-ish.  Yeah.  Just sucks.  Coach, was the previous winnah since he took me out big time last game, was seated on my right…I was looking for payback.  So didn’t happen, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first few hands were getting along quite nicely with everyone pretty much winning one each.  Miss H was sneaking up on all the men…where did she come from?  Mr. Toyota was the biggest come-from-behind-the-garage-and-sock-me-over-the-head-with-a-monkey-wrench that I have ever witnessed in my 7 years playing this game.  Holy fuck, Batman what was that?!  He took virtually all my nice chips with his ‘a full house beats a flush’ …WHO MADE THAT UP??!!!  Crap.   I was confident I had him in the palm of my little hand with my Ace high club, then he full-housed my ass…what?!!  YOU??!!  No, seriously.  You’ve played this before, huh? Ugh… Coach was nice enough to pat my shoulder and say ‘there-there’ and not say ‘Idiot, Ray Charles could have seen that one coming’.  Yeah.  To my credit, I didn’t get humiliated only once.  I allowed it to happen a second time which took me right out of the damned game.  I love poker.

The game went on quite long before someone was declared as the first loser.  I think Mrs. Jacked got a prize for that.  I was second out since Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse found it necessary to call my ‘all-in’ and win it with 4 fives.  WHO HAS FOUR OF A KIND??!!  KS, that’s who with four Aces (in a totally different hand that has nothing to do with this mini-rant over Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse) Yet, sadly she didn’t win.

Several glasses of wine later, the four aces happened….a little scant on the details, but I was still stinging from the ass-burning I just took.…I think KS was hiding one of those Aces down her top.  Mr. Frankie was seated next to her and with all the references to his new cat and how was he getting along with his new puss-???   So many jokes, so little time.  He barely cracked a smile!   He was playing cagey, that one.  Yet, sadly he didn’t win.

Miss H was holding her own against the Biggest- Loser -Ever -Turned -Gagillionaire -Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse, eventually having people folding all around her.  It gets a little fuzzy at this point until we hear that Nurse Betty, who is seated at the Kids table (wait, what?) who reportedly HATES to play poker, would rather catheterize a thousand pound gorilla than play, GOT THE BEST HAND EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, as documented below.  A straight royal flush.  Fucking amazing.   Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

lisa

As for the Kids table, we were all amazed that Bestie was not the first, second or third out…After that, who the fuck knows? Frankie managed to make it to the Final table and frankly, Frankie, can I call you Frank?  That’s all that matters.  THE FINAL TABLE.  Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

All I know is that I was seated deftly at the Loser table with Mr. Jacked (sadly, also a loser) , Birthday Girl ( I was secretly rooting for you ), Mrs. Jacked (a previous champ) and….it escapes me. Memorable You. Us losers…that’s all I know.  With a bottle of wine as the big prize, I was going for it…and lost again.  I rock!  Birthday Girl won the Loser trophy bottle of wine which she so graciously shared with us DH ladies the next evening…you didn’t think we were going to cancel a perfectly good eat and drink night just because we had a perfectly good eat and drink night, the night before when we kept KS up past her usual bedtime of 9:30pm and trudged on home at 2:30am, did you?  Wimps!

At the Winnahs table, everybody was battling it out for the big prize..the cash and the bragging rights to claiming SLS Couples Poker Champ!  I have no clue how it went down, but by all accounts, Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse  lost all his chips bit-by-bit to Miss H, who incidentally took out her Hubby Mr. Bing ( WITH A PAIR OF DEUCES)  and EVERYBODY ELSE AT THE TABLE!!  Dats right.  Miss H was the Winnah!!!!   If you guessed Miss H, than you are more awesome than even I give you credit for.  Rock on!

Miss H...SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Miss H…SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Congrats to Miss H and now you join the ranks of the few, the proud, the SLS COUPLES POKER CHAMPS!!

I hope you enjoyed this installment of SLS Couples Poker run-down.  Next time, I’ll try to stay sober enough to report on actual events at the opposite table.  Dammit, Jim I can’t be everywhere!  Ugh….

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A Fantastic Craptastical Friday

Friday squirrel

It’s Friday, finally and I have to say I’ve had a pretty decent week…considering I don’t remember most of it.   I’d say I’ve done awesome.

Let’s do a recap of events for those of you who desperately need to know how I exist on the planet without daily doses of sunshine and unicorns…or for those of you who mildly care and have nothing else better to do…or simply for those of you who don’t give a shit but are here reading this lame excuse for a post for God knows what reason.

Monday:  Weather:  Snow showers, cloudy, craptastic

Dragged my ass into the-place-that-shall-not-be-named after a night of Oscars and DH ladies, too much wine and food.  I missed the whole Jennifer falling on her face event, but took great joy in Seth McFarland who reminded us DH ladies a little too much of Donny Osmond…before he spoke.  Fave Song:  We Saw Your Boobs

Tuesday:  Weather:  Snow showers, sun, craptastic

An uneventful day, but seeing as it was pay day, I was pretty stoked…until I got home and realized that we had little food and all ma funds were for paying bills and repaying children’s piggy banks.  Ugh…

Wednesday:  Weather:  Cloudy, windy, snow showers, craptastic

Another winner of a day with the puppy pooping incessantly on the carpet, the kids running amok due to hunger pains and family notifying us of their impending visit.  Yay.  Grocery shopping ensues in blizzard type conditions, forcing me to clean off the car before and after said shopping, almost ploughing into the back of a van going less than the speed of a snail where I hear ma phone ringing which I ignore, then finally answer , only to hear daughter lamenting she needs the car NOW to which I promptly hang up on her, only  to arrive home and throw down the grocery bags in dramatic pre-menopausal fashion  and exclaim “I Fucking hate winter!!”  Ugh…

Thursday:  Weather:  Freezing rain, windy, cold, craptastic

The day before Friday.  Lots of chocolate is consumed, laughter ensues, a casual evening cooking and preparing a slow cooker meal for the next day which NEVER happens but guilt is an amazing thing, ain’t it?   followed by a glass of wine and TV.  Yay.

Friday:  Weather: Freezing rain, windy, fucking cold, craptastic.

Donned my fave sweatpants since students are leaving the building in hordes in preparation for their week long vacay from academia and I felt like a comfy day was in order.   Ordered out for lunch with the ‘girls’, read some of blogs like this one and this one.  Even participated in the Twitter universe for a change…I’m getting there, don’t rush me.

There. A Fantastical Craptastical week in summation.  I know.  I can’t wait for the weekend.  Maybe a celeb will fall down the stairs again and I’ll actually get to see it this time!  One can only hope…..

Fear and Paranoia Are Now My Besties

My blogging days have dwindled since the episode-that-shall-remain-nameless.  Fear has held me tightly within its grasp and I am struggling to be free.  It ain’t easy.  I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see who’s watching, then I’m incessantly censoring my words to make sure they’re not offensive or distorted; twisted into being malicious.  It’s a slippery slope.  It’s an uphill climb.  It’s fucking craptastic.  I hate thinking someone is misinterpreting what I’m saying as a slight against anything.  I’m simply saying what’s in my gut, people.

Maybe I should have a disclaimer clause at the beginning of each post clearly stating my wanton disregard for other’s feelings on the subjects I tend to complain about.  Or maybe I should have one of those announcers at the beginning of each post, like certain television programs, warning people of the ‘mature subject matter’ and the ‘material some may find offensive’.  I could leave out the ‘contains nudity’ part…or maybe I should include that.  Maybe more people would read on…stuff to think about.

It’s nice to think that some people actually miss me…is that weird?  Hmm…I’ve thought about re-opening the past, but that would just lead to more shit to hit the fan, so I think I’ll leave well enough alone.  If people miss me that much, they could track me down.  Or I could tell them.  Gee, that’s a swell idea.  Invite people to this one..hmmm…I think I shall prepare my formal invitations.  They’ll think it’s a party…I suppose drinks could be served.  And snacks.  Marvelous idea.

I’ll get working on the list.  In the meantime, thanks for stopping by and reading.  I shall be in touch and see what roaming around the ‘sphere I can do without getting decapitated in the process….that’s rather painful…I’d rather steer clear of that, thanks.