The Playahs: Miss H, Mrs. Jacked, Mr. Frankie, KS, Mr. Toyota, Rogue, Coach
Nurse Betty, Birthday Girl, Mr. Bing, Frankie, Mr. Jacked, Bestie, Mr. Banker
The Event: Couples Poker
The Place: The lovely and lively abode of KS and Mr. Banker…three dogs and two kids….lively.
Where was Rogue’s other half? Sick in bed
Who took his place? Why, Bestie of course. Her Hubby was AWOL as well…so we coupled up. We’re trampy like that.
Who won? Stop rushing me, I’ll get to that.
The evening began like any other. The house was alive with the sound of puppies barking. Yeah, I’m not the only intelligent human who decided to get a dog…only KS went a step further and bought TWO. Must have been a BOGO sale.
Anywho, we were all placed at our tables after reading the seating arrangements and deftly mocking Mr. Bing’s poker table cloth. What? IT’S A POKER TABLE CLOTH!! So funny. I was swiftly seated at the GROWN UP table with the first Playahs listed. Not sure how I registered as GROWN UP… must have been my maturity and professionalism on one of my rants when I referred to everybody (not as in my lovely neighbours ‘everybody’, but everybody else…) as assholes. Obviously a step-up from my usual reference of ‘fuckwits’ and ‘asshats’. Score one for maturity.
Seated at the Kid table was the second line of Playahs listed…interesting mix. There is strategy in everything people, so there was strategy in this one. No couples to sit together. What? You were expecting something more complicated? Uh, nope. That’s pretty much it. I was fairly confident at the beginning of the game especially with two previous wins under my belt and since I was seated next to Mr. Toyota whose track record for winning at Couples poker is a little, well, to put it nicely, suck-ish. Yeah. Just sucks. Coach, was the previous winnah since he took me out big time last game, was seated on my right…I was looking for payback. So didn’t happen, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first few hands were getting along quite nicely with everyone pretty much winning one each. Miss H was sneaking up on all the men…where did she come from? Mr. Toyota was the biggest come-from-behind-the-garage-and-sock-me-over-the-head-with-a-monkey-wrench that I have ever witnessed in my 7 years playing this game. Holy fuck, Batman what was that?! He took virtually all my nice chips with his ‘a full house beats a flush’ …WHO MADE THAT UP??!!! Crap. I was confident I had him in the palm of my little hand with my Ace high club, then he full-housed my ass…what?!! YOU??!! No, seriously. You’ve played this before, huh? Ugh… Coach was nice enough to pat my shoulder and say ‘there-there’ and not say ‘Idiot, Ray Charles could have seen that one coming’. Yeah. To my credit, I didn’t get humiliated only once. I allowed it to happen a second time which took me right out of the damned game. I love poker.
The game went on quite long before someone was declared as the first loser. I think Mrs. Jacked got a prize for that. I was second out since Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse found it necessary to call my ‘all-in’ and win it with 4 fives. WHO HAS FOUR OF A KIND??!! KS, that’s who with four Aces (in a totally different hand that has nothing to do with this mini-rant over Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse) Yet, sadly she didn’t win.
Several glasses of wine later, the four aces happened….a little scant on the details, but I was still stinging from the ass-burning I just took.…I think KS was hiding one of those Aces down her top. Mr. Frankie was seated next to her and with all the references to his new cat and how was he getting along with his new puss-??? So many jokes, so little time. He barely cracked a smile! He was playing cagey, that one. Yet, sadly he didn’t win.
Miss H was holding her own against the Biggest- Loser -Ever -Turned -Gagillionaire -Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse, eventually having people folding all around her. It gets a little fuzzy at this point until we hear that Nurse Betty, who is seated at the Kids table (wait, what?) who reportedly HATES to play poker, would rather catheterize a thousand pound gorilla than play, GOT THE BEST HAND EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, as documented below. A straight royal flush. Fucking amazing. Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.
As for the Kids table, we were all amazed that Bestie was not the first, second or third out…After that, who the fuck knows? Frankie managed to make it to the Final table and frankly, Frankie, can I call you Frank? That’s all that matters. THE FINAL TABLE. Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.
All I know is that I was seated deftly at the Loser table with Mr. Jacked (sadly, also a loser) , Birthday Girl ( I was secretly rooting for you ), Mrs. Jacked (a previous champ) and….it escapes me. Memorable You. Us losers…that’s all I know. With a bottle of wine as the big prize, I was going for it…and lost again. I rock! Birthday Girl won the Loser trophy bottle of wine which she so graciously shared with us DH ladies the next evening…you didn’t think we were going to cancel a perfectly good eat and drink night just because we had a perfectly good eat and drink night, the night before when we kept KS up past her usual bedtime of 9:30pm and trudged on home at 2:30am, did you? Wimps!
At the Winnahs table, everybody was battling it out for the big prize..the cash and the bragging rights to claiming SLS Couples Poker Champ! I have no clue how it went down, but by all accounts, Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse lost all his chips bit-by-bit to Miss H, who incidentally took out her Hubby Mr. Bing ( WITH A PAIR OF DEUCES) and EVERYBODY ELSE AT THE TABLE!! Dats right. Miss H was the Winnah!!!! If you guessed Miss H, than you are more awesome than even I give you credit for. Rock on!
Congrats to Miss H and now you join the ranks of the few, the proud, the SLS COUPLES POKER CHAMPS!!
I hope you enjoyed this installment of SLS Couples Poker run-down. Next time, I’ll try to stay sober enough to report on actual events at the opposite table. Dammit, Jim I can’t be everywhere! Ugh….
12 thoughts on “I Played Poker With Uncle Jesse And Lost”
remember, it’s not whther you win or lose, it’s hoe badly you can mock everyone else once you’re out.
I was drunkenly disordered so mocking was my forte…and still is.
Great night it was!!! I think we should get a SLS Poker Champ t shirt and buy it in a ladies size seeing how ladies have won more than men. (I think!)
Great plan! Obviously it should be a bright pink with a martini glass on it.
Truth is, I just kept “going all in” because I wanted to get out and move on over to the other side of the room to chat. As luck would have it, everyone else kept getting even crappier cards than mine! But, we’ll keep that between us and say I played with a brilliant strategy!
I’ll drink to that!
I can play the fool (brilliantly), but I can’t play poker. Glad you had a good time, what you can remember of it.
You crazy kids. I suck at poker. Probably because I have a terrible poker face. But generally the game isn’t the funnest part of the evening, so I take the bad with the good. Sounds like you guys had fun!
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died 🙂
Damn! Tarot cards are dangerous. So am I when I play poker, but people don’t keel over in my wake…sometimes, I wish they would. It would make winning a whole lot easier!
You know, if, after the first twenty minutes, you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you. Anyhow, I give you an idea: all serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the robotic approach: where your face becomes a mask and your voice a monotone, at least while the hand is being played. . . . The other is the manic method, where you affect a whole bunch of tics, twitches, and expressions, and mix them up with a river of insane babble. The idea is to overwhelm your opponents with clues, so they can’t sort out what’s going on. This approach can be effective, but for normal people it’s hard to pull off. (If you’ve spent part of your life in an institution, this method may come naturally.) 🙂 🙂
Epic tips…I’ll try to remember these the next time we play…