It’s finally Friday and I’m thankful that I have a gathering to look forward to. I’ve been swilling around in doggie duties, laundry and work this week and I feel like I should sit back and drink a few with my buds. My peeps. Let’s eat, drink and be merry…not that we never are. There’s plenty of frivolity in the ‘hood. Maybe even a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner will be sung…okay, not exactly sung so much as strangled out from the vocal chords of a drunk woman strung out on the extreme amounts of alcohol and carbohydrate deprivation. In my ever attempts at losing a few extra pounds of woman-mass, I have decided to restrict my carb intake while simultaneously upping my veggie/fruit combo. Of course I refuse to totally do without wine, chocolate and coffee so they remain a steadfast part of my diet. I should start my own regime and call it “The Winos Guide To Losing A Few Pounds While Still Enjoying Her Midlife Crisis In A Drunken Stuper” The business plan practically writes itself.
Recent events have me yelling ‘Hell’s yah!’ in my jammies on my front lawn. I was so going to provide links to the main story, but my lawyer, Vinnie Buttowski, has advised me that that probably isn’t in my best interest. (as an aside, I hate the word ‘that’ and to use it double in a sentence has me near convulsions of grammatical anxiety so extreme I may just wet myself in spite) (as a double aside, this paragraph originally took up half the post, but again, I was advised to ‘shut the fuck up’ so, yeah. This is it, yo) So, instead I’ll distract you with this:
If you haven’t noticed and most of you haven’t as you can’t actually see me, my ‘no carb’ thing that I have been slaving at for two weeks has resulted in a little loss of sponge around my middle. It’s going well and I am enjoying the freedom that only no- carb can do for you…eating multitudes of veggies and almonds and having peeps taunt me incessantly with croissants and cookies. They’re fucking awesome. They love me so much they feel the need to parade treats in front of me like a feral cat walking nonchalantly in front of an old person with a cane. Lovely, really…come a little closer I’ll show you the new cane I bought. It’s very shiny and heavy….