A Top Ten

I’ve been stuck in bed all day with back spasms.  Mags is happy to hang out with me as long as I remain still and unobtrusive…or have treats to make her experience lying around even more enjoyable.  Because, really…it’s all about her.    The damned laptop is obviously a hindrance to her attempts at sitting right on top of my chest, which obviously is the BEST possible place for her to lie down.  That laptop HAS GOT TO GO.  It’s presence is almost offensive.

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Uh, hi!  Whatcha doin? Move this.  It’s in ma way. 

In the spirit of boredom and any kind of movement causing massive amounts of pain, I’ve collected a list of the Top Ten Things To Do When You Encounter Back Pain, or Held Hostage By a Fanatical Maniac Who Is About to Chop Off Your Legs.  It’s An Either Or Situation.

A long title, I realize but I have nothing else to do, and really they both are kinda the same.  They involve solitary confinement and pain, although having someone take an axe to your legs could be construed as a tad more painful.  On the other hand,  if you’ve ever had back spasms, you would WISH someone would just saw you in half.  So…

  1.  Watch a movie – I spent the morning in bed watching Practical Magic which was an old Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman flick. Not bad for an early morning movie and it was pretty cute.  Who knew Aiden Quinn was such a handsome hero in those days?

9. Eat all of the leftover Halloween Candy – I haven’t eaten it all…yet. But since we had so many kids last night, we had to send son to get some more and are now left with more than we thought.  I’m sending recon missions downstairs for mini Kit Kat bars…

8. Nap – never overrated and the dog joins you.

7.  Send the kids to the store for shit you don’t need – THEY LOVE THAT.  You suddenly realize you are short on pencils or don’t have enough chalk paint for that project you will never get around to.  Send the kids on the hunt for the elusive colour of salmon chalk paint ( does not exist) or number 2 pencils that you have no use for and can’t even sharpen, BECAUSE WHO STILL OWNS AN OLD FASHIONED PENCIL SHARPENER?!  It’s entertaining.  Good. Times.

6.  Write down the cooking instructions for dinner – Make them complicated like lamb chops stuffed with asparagus and goat cheese…Yeah. They will give up right after reading ‘lamb’ in a fury of WHAT THE HELL! expressions and helpless abandon and order pizza.  You get the extra slice with whatever you want on it for allowing them to give up on dinner so quickly.  They will be ever so grateful for not having to burn the house down trying to make that lamb dish a reality.   YOU. ARE. AN. AWESOME. MOM

5.  Organize your Christmas list – JUST KIDDING. Who the hell wants to do that?!  It’s a day where you can lay around watching t.v. and taking naps, and have those people you call family wait on YOU for a change.  Why spoil that with something constructive and practical?  Gawwwdddd.  WORK WITH ME HERE.

4.  Read that book you have been meaning to read – you have all kinds of time and nowhere to be. Get into that novel that’s been sitting on your shelf. A great way to pass the time.  Immersing yourself in someone else’s world is just what you need.

3.  A long soak in a hot bath – good for the muscles, good for the soul.  Make sure a glass of wine is accompanying you.  Or the bottle.  Whatever works.  You ARE in pain.

2.  The awesomeness of pain medication should not be overlooked – It can make you a little sleepy, but also a little loopy. In essence, it’s the one opportunity you can act drunk and disorderly without actually being either of those things.   Feel free to insult the kids or throw a tantrum because your coffee is not 98 degrees Fahrenheit, because dammit you earned it.  Tell those kids to keep it down and when they complain, just say “REALLY?!  I SPENT 25 HOURS IN LABOUR WITH A TEN POUND BABY COMING OUT OF MY HOO-HA, WHICH  BY THE WAY, NOW LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY RAN OVER A PIZZA WITH A SEMI- FOR YOU TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PAIN?!  OK.  WHATEVER.  YOU DO YOU.”  Then weep wildly.  They’ll feel bad and get you whatever you want.

  1.  Nothing – the number one thing to do, is to do nothing. Ice, heat, rest, eat, repeat.

The pain meds are now kicking in.  Hope you enjoy a lovely fall day and get those kids to pamper you whether you have back pain or are held hostage by a maniacal fan, or not.

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Fallness IS a Word, I Just Made it Up. Also, My Back Hurts.

My back is giving me grief today.  Day three of pain.  It started out on Saturday evening and by Sunday night, I was walking like a Zombie looking for his next brain.  Ugh.  I made it to work, but exercising has taken a back seat to attempts at finding a comfy spot.  Sitting is difficult and trying to get in any kind of horizontal position is downright impossible.  I get sympathy looks and offers for pillows.  I also get the dog jumping at me incessantly and the ‘well, since you’re up…’ from kids.  MOM CAN’T SIT DOWN SO LET’S GET HER TO GET EVERYTHING FOR US WHILE SHE’S STILL ABLE TO WALK.  Nice.

Fun Fact: I can sleep upright.  Also, getting your birth units to assist in donning footwear is embarrassing (apparently, more for them) and filled with exclamations of ‘ewww’ and ‘ugh.  I can’t WAIT until you’re OLD.’   Don’t worry about it, kid I’ll just wear my slippers all of the time.  Even out in public.  I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M OLD EITHER  AND I MAKE YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING AND OUT TO RESTAURANTS AND PLACES YOU DON’T WANT TO GO.  IN MY SLIPPERS.  AND JUST FOR FUN I’LL WEAR MY SWEATPANTS, TOO.

So there.

I have a few posts just waiting for the right time to hit the blog, but I seem to have abandoned them for the ‘right time’….what?   Not sure when that will be.  One is very positive and pleading with humanity to get a grip and try to be nice and let’s all just get along…also, I may have been hopped up on muscle relaxants and pain pills at the time.   The other is about my trip to get a tattoo.  It’s a fun-filled romp into ‘WTF I’m Fifty’.  AND ‘NO MUSCLE RELAXANTS IN THAT BIT O’PAIN ALL IN THE NAME OF ART’.  Sure to make one shake her head in ‘WTF is wrong with her’…like I haven’t heard THAT one before.  No judging.

There’s also a great character sketch about a shrunken pirate head.

I know.  NOW, you can’t wait for that one.

Hope you are all enjoying the fallness of the season and are able to tie your shoes unassisted.

It’s the little things, people.

 

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