I Can’t Believe You’re Reading This, Can You?

I haven’t blogged in a while.  It’s not that I haven’t had the inclination or the desire, it’s just that I’m having a hard time coming up with something interesting to say.  I spent the better part of yesterday trying to come up with a blog-worthy topic and ended up playing endless games of spider solitaire and…ugh.  I can’t say.

I just wrote a whole speel about the-place-that-shall-not-be-named that I had to strike-through.  It was nothing earth shattering.  I didn’t just divulge state secrets or tell you where Hoffa was buried. It was just about candy and …you know, the usual.  And not candy as in ‘drugs’…  Sorry I led you on about that.  Gag order and all.  You understand.

I perused the Freshly Pressed site last night whilst daughter was keeping the puppy company and found a cornucopia of topics peeps wrote about.  I even recognized a few bloggers I visit.  Wow..awesome dudes and dudettes.  The topics were great and every time I stumbled upon one, I did a face-palm and exclaimed ‘why didn’t I think of that?!’  Yes, why indeed.  Was it because I’m not as creative as these obviously dedicated writers and bloggers?  Was it because my brain has been on vacay lately and my mojo seems to be gone for an extended hike up Signal Hill?  Maybe it’s the lack of something missing in my diet that is preventing me from producing my wit and wisdom with all to share.   Too much chewy candy.  That’s got to be it.  Ugh.

Well, I should get moving and return to topic-hunting.  In the meantime, occupy yourselves with this compilation of Bruce Willis singing (badly) on his old show Moonlighting.

Thanks for stopping by!

I Played Poker With Uncle Jesse And Lost

uncle jesse

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Playahs:   Miss H, Mrs. Jacked,  Mr. Frankie,  KS, Mr. Toyota, Rogue, Coach

Nurse Betty, Birthday Girl, Mr. Bing, Frankie, Mr. Jacked, Bestie, Mr. Banker

The Event:   Couples Poker

The Place:  The lovely and lively abode of KS and Mr. Banker…three dogs and two kids….lively.

Where was Rogue’s other half? Sick in bed

Who took his place? Why, Bestie of course.  Her Hubby was AWOL as well…so we coupled up.  We’re trampy like that.

Who won?  Stop rushing me, I’ll get to that.

The evening began like any other.  The house was alive with the sound of puppies barking.  Yeah, I’m not the only intelligent human who decided to get a dog…only KS went a step further and bought TWO.  Must have been a BOGO sale.

Anywho, we were all placed at our tables after reading the seating arrangements and  deftly mocking Mr. Bing’s  poker table cloth.  What? IT’S A POKER TABLE CLOTH!!  So funny.    I was swiftly seated at the GROWN UP  table with the first Playahs listed.  Not sure how I registered as GROWN UP… must have been my maturity and professionalism on one of my rants when I referred to everybody (not as in my lovely neighbours ‘everybody’, but everybody else…)  as assholes.  Obviously a step-up from my usual reference of ‘fuckwits’ and ‘asshats’.  Score one for maturity.

Seated at the Kid table was the second line of Playahs listed…interesting mix.  There is strategy in everything people, so there was strategy in this one.  No couples to sit together.  What?  You were expecting something more complicated?   Uh, nope.  That’s pretty much it.  I was fairly confident at the beginning of the game especially with two previous wins under my belt and since I was seated next to Mr. Toyota whose track record for winning at Couples poker is a little, well, to put it nicely, suck-ish.  Yeah.  Just sucks.  Coach, was the previous winnah since he took me out big time last game, was seated on my right…I was looking for payback.  So didn’t happen, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first few hands were getting along quite nicely with everyone pretty much winning one each.  Miss H was sneaking up on all the men…where did she come from?  Mr. Toyota was the biggest come-from-behind-the-garage-and-sock-me-over-the-head-with-a-monkey-wrench that I have ever witnessed in my 7 years playing this game.  Holy fuck, Batman what was that?!  He took virtually all my nice chips with his ‘a full house beats a flush’ …WHO MADE THAT UP??!!!  Crap.   I was confident I had him in the palm of my little hand with my Ace high club, then he full-housed my ass…what?!!  YOU??!!  No, seriously.  You’ve played this before, huh? Ugh… Coach was nice enough to pat my shoulder and say ‘there-there’ and not say ‘Idiot, Ray Charles could have seen that one coming’.  Yeah.  To my credit, I didn’t get humiliated only once.  I allowed it to happen a second time which took me right out of the damned game.  I love poker.

The game went on quite long before someone was declared as the first loser.  I think Mrs. Jacked got a prize for that.  I was second out since Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse found it necessary to call my ‘all-in’ and win it with 4 fives.  WHO HAS FOUR OF A KIND??!!  KS, that’s who with four Aces (in a totally different hand that has nothing to do with this mini-rant over Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse) Yet, sadly she didn’t win.

Several glasses of wine later, the four aces happened….a little scant on the details, but I was still stinging from the ass-burning I just took.…I think KS was hiding one of those Aces down her top.  Mr. Frankie was seated next to her and with all the references to his new cat and how was he getting along with his new puss-???   So many jokes, so little time.  He barely cracked a smile!   He was playing cagey, that one.  Yet, sadly he didn’t win.

Miss H was holding her own against the Biggest- Loser -Ever -Turned -Gagillionaire -Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse, eventually having people folding all around her.  It gets a little fuzzy at this point until we hear that Nurse Betty, who is seated at the Kids table (wait, what?) who reportedly HATES to play poker, would rather catheterize a thousand pound gorilla than play, GOT THE BEST HAND EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, as documented below.  A straight royal flush.  Fucking amazing.   Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

lisa

As for the Kids table, we were all amazed that Bestie was not the first, second or third out…After that, who the fuck knows? Frankie managed to make it to the Final table and frankly, Frankie, can I call you Frank?  That’s all that matters.  THE FINAL TABLE.  Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

All I know is that I was seated deftly at the Loser table with Mr. Jacked (sadly, also a loser) , Birthday Girl ( I was secretly rooting for you ), Mrs. Jacked (a previous champ) and….it escapes me. Memorable You. Us losers…that’s all I know.  With a bottle of wine as the big prize, I was going for it…and lost again.  I rock!  Birthday Girl won the Loser trophy bottle of wine which she so graciously shared with us DH ladies the next evening…you didn’t think we were going to cancel a perfectly good eat and drink night just because we had a perfectly good eat and drink night, the night before when we kept KS up past her usual bedtime of 9:30pm and trudged on home at 2:30am, did you?  Wimps!

At the Winnahs table, everybody was battling it out for the big prize..the cash and the bragging rights to claiming SLS Couples Poker Champ!  I have no clue how it went down, but by all accounts, Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse  lost all his chips bit-by-bit to Miss H, who incidentally took out her Hubby Mr. Bing ( WITH A PAIR OF DEUCES)  and EVERYBODY ELSE AT THE TABLE!!  Dats right.  Miss H was the Winnah!!!!   If you guessed Miss H, than you are more awesome than even I give you credit for.  Rock on!

Miss H...SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Miss H…SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Congrats to Miss H and now you join the ranks of the few, the proud, the SLS COUPLES POKER CHAMPS!!

I hope you enjoyed this installment of SLS Couples Poker run-down.  Next time, I’ll try to stay sober enough to report on actual events at the opposite table.  Dammit, Jim I can’t be everywhere!  Ugh….

A Fantastic Craptastical Friday

Friday squirrel

It’s Friday, finally and I have to say I’ve had a pretty decent week…considering I don’t remember most of it.   I’d say I’ve done awesome.

Let’s do a recap of events for those of you who desperately need to know how I exist on the planet without daily doses of sunshine and unicorns…or for those of you who mildly care and have nothing else better to do…or simply for those of you who don’t give a shit but are here reading this lame excuse for a post for God knows what reason.

Monday:  Weather:  Snow showers, cloudy, craptastic

Dragged my ass into the-place-that-shall-not-be-named after a night of Oscars and DH ladies, too much wine and food.  I missed the whole Jennifer falling on her face event, but took great joy in Seth McFarland who reminded us DH ladies a little too much of Donny Osmond…before he spoke.  Fave Song:  We Saw Your Boobs

Tuesday:  Weather:  Snow showers, sun, craptastic

An uneventful day, but seeing as it was pay day, I was pretty stoked…until I got home and realized that we had little food and all ma funds were for paying bills and repaying children’s piggy banks.  Ugh…

Wednesday:  Weather:  Cloudy, windy, snow showers, craptastic

Another winner of a day with the puppy pooping incessantly on the carpet, the kids running amok due to hunger pains and family notifying us of their impending visit.  Yay.  Grocery shopping ensues in blizzard type conditions, forcing me to clean off the car before and after said shopping, almost ploughing into the back of a van going less than the speed of a snail where I hear ma phone ringing which I ignore, then finally answer , only to hear daughter lamenting she needs the car NOW to which I promptly hang up on her, only  to arrive home and throw down the grocery bags in dramatic pre-menopausal fashion  and exclaim “I Fucking hate winter!!”  Ugh…

Thursday:  Weather:  Freezing rain, windy, cold, craptastic

The day before Friday.  Lots of chocolate is consumed, laughter ensues, a casual evening cooking and preparing a slow cooker meal for the next day which NEVER happens but guilt is an amazing thing, ain’t it?   followed by a glass of wine and TV.  Yay.

Friday:  Weather: Freezing rain, windy, fucking cold, craptastic.

Donned my fave sweatpants since students are leaving the building in hordes in preparation for their week long vacay from academia and I felt like a comfy day was in order.   Ordered out for lunch with the ‘girls’, read some of blogs like this one and this one.  Even participated in the Twitter universe for a change…I’m getting there, don’t rush me.

There. A Fantastical Craptastical week in summation.  I know.  I can’t wait for the weekend.  Maybe a celeb will fall down the stairs again and I’ll actually get to see it this time!  One can only hope…..

Thoughts

I was so desperate for a subject to post today I went searching on Google for writing topics.  I began reading down a list until I realized they were grouped into categories of grades.  Grade 1 topics were those of picnics, favorite zoo animals, my bestest friend;  then there were Grade 2 topics that had to do with my family, the best thing to do at recess, and so on.  I kinda liked the topics from Grade 1 the best…not sure what that says about me.  So tomorrow’s topic should be titled ‘Zebras, The Misunderstood Zoo Animal”.  Bound to be an engaging and stimulating topic.  Maybe I’ll color a picture and post that too!

Inadvertently, while searching for topics I decided to do some family tree hunting. Funny how the topic of zoo animals prompted thoughts about my family.  Oh, yeah.  Live inside my head for a while…Anyway, researching dead family members is probs not the thing to do without oodles of time and energy and cash in your wallet.  Holy Crap, I thought Ancestry.com was supposed to be a free service.  It’s only free as far as entering your name.  Everything else seems to be a pay-per-view service.  Dammit, Jim I don’t have that kind of power!  Pay to see obits and death certificates and census reports?  Hmmm…let me think.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  As wonderfully dry as that sounds, I think I’ll move on to something with a little more juice in its container…. Cartoon videos?!  Yee-haw!!!

I’ve not visited my Twitter account in weeks, but somehow I still get new followers.  Are they following me because they think I’m awesome and just the quiet type?  Or are they following me because they think they’ll get a ‘follow’ back?  Or is it my winning smile and effervescent personality??  Hmmm….they must think that I’m following them back.  How can they tell my personality from a few random tweets? I should shake them up a bit and tweet “Yo, assholes.  What up ma homies?  Y’all givin’ me ‘noia to the most. Stay outta ma ‘hood, yo.  Word”  Yeah.  That’s the essence of my personality right there.  That should bring on a whole new group of followers who should NOT be on twitter…or any other form of social media….

In the meantime, I’m practicing my drawing and coloring for the zoo animal topic.  What do you think so far?

zoo animal

Yeah.  I’m practically awesome.

 

 

Nickels And World Domination

28_nickel

Sometimes I feel as if I am walking around and have no idea what I’m talking about.  Other times, I hear other people talk and think THEY have no clue either.  So, really.  Nobody knows jack.  I’m good with that.

My zipper broke on my suede jacket this morning causing me to swear loudly, which caused the dog to jump, which caused the kids to scoop her up, which caused me to feel badly.  My contact lense was clouded which caused me to rinse it thricely (?) which caused my eye to be bloodshot and watery, which slowed me down in preparing for work. Running out the door,  I then had to scrape twenty inches of snow from my car, which was cemented by the freezing rain, which required more time spent on the scraping since daughter felt the need to sit and watch, which caused me to mumble expletives under my breath, which caused me to take a different route to work since the roads had not been ploughed and I was too busy mumbling to pay attention to where I was going, which then caused me to endure traffic , which caused me to be late for work, which caused daughter to be late for her exam, on which she did badly which resulted in everything being my fault.  Again and as per usual.   Ugh.

Eating raw carrots is like watching a slow agonizing rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ while repeatedly jabbing a fork into my thigh.

My stash of nickels should come in handy when my plan for world domination comes to fruition.  We’ve already done away with the penny…I declare that nickels are now worth more.  And bacon should be free.

The best things are left unsaid.  Who said that?  I guess if it was said, it wasn’t ‘the best thing’.  Shit.

I’m missing the Die Hard marathon playing at the local theatre today.  Twelve non-stop hours of yippe-kay-yay MoFu along with witty repartee, stinging banter, blazing machine guns, hanging from skyscrapers by nothing but a fire hose and crawling through ventilation ducts with lighters.  Okay, maybe the banter isn’t so great…but ‘welcome to the party pal’!   Oh how I wish I had my popcorn and my seat in the theatre right now.  Another time, McClean…another time.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I sneak out for a few hours.  I could ‘work from home’…maybe.  What?  Ugh….I’m suddenly feeling ill…I have a fever?  I contracted T.B.?  That malaria shot I got a few months ago is working against me!  I have the measles!  Look at all the red spots…no, those aren’t freckles…just look through these 3-D glasses and tell me those spots aren’t red…AND SOME ARE BLUE??!!  Holy shit I need to go home and rest!  Get the paramedics!  I know…a few hours in a theatre might do me some good.  Some nachos, pop, a comfy chair and Willis…I think I almost convinced you.  Maybe.  I could give you some of my nickels….

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha...ugh.  I so should be there!

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha…ugh. I so should be there!