The realization that I’m older than I feel I should be, is hitting me hard. A ‘mature’ woman of 51, I’m still prone to bouts of pimples and the monthly bloat. I simultaneously have wrinkles and acne. It’s like I’m a twelve year old pubescent and a menopausal maniac at the same time. I’m considering shares in Clearisil. Mood swings, crappy hair days and my bra size seems to shrink weekly. My wine stash is dwindling at an alarming rate and I hate to hear that I need to wear pants after 6pm. Jeopardy is gaining some admiration on my end and I have yet to attain the exact correct root cover-up hair colour that actually matches whatever the hell is growing out of my scalp at the moment.
Oh, yes it’s gray, but it should be a lovely copper colour, that despite my scouring of every drugstore in the city and the wonderful intentions of my bestie hair stylist, is impossible to match. It’s not red. It’s not blond. It’s not brown. It’s not golden brown nor golden blond. It’s not golden-reddish or golden-blondish-with-a-tint-of-auburn-yellow-shit. It’s not even an –ish of anything. It’s in between effervescent- blondie- coppery- goldie and orange. Try to find that on a shelf. I WILL PAY YOU TO FIND THAT ON THE SHELF. The other day, D1 was too embarrassed to leave the house with me until I ‘do something with that on your scalp. It looks like you’re bleeding’. Yeah.
That red cover-up was Halloween-ghoulish in the bloody scalp department. I should have just stuck a meat cleaver up there and walked around like a bad-prank-gone-horribly-awry, or victim of a random Zombie attack. Totally believable.
I think this is the direction it’s heading. I already have the bathrobe.
I obviously need interventions on how to age with dignity and grace, without looking like my scalp was partially removed, then reattached and left in a bloody mess. Or someone changed his mind mid- lobotomy and simply threw my scalp back over my head like a floppy toupe, or the Donald’s comb over repair. My pimples make me look like I just walked out of grade 10 gym class and need a shower. Face mask? Sure…do they make a mask that has both collagen wrinkle-disappearing-potion and benzo-peroxide zit zapper shit in it? One that’s not going to make me feel like I’m in a constant wind tunnel where my face is stretched so tight I’m constantly smiling, or so greasy that it looks like I washed my face with a pork chop? Let’s see that shit!
How did it come to this? What did women do before us? How did they manage the whole aging process without looking like a Stepford wife or a throwback from Throw Momma From the Train?
There should be lessons on how to age after fifty without losing your sanity and your wine cache all in one sitting.
Or at least the sympathy and acknowledgment that despite the whole ‘fifty is the new forty’ thing, there are still struggles with pimples, bloating, weight gain and the emotional turmoil of a pubescent girl including the awkwardness of actually trying to walk and see at the same time.
My head hurts.
Maybe some lovely young woman will invent a new treatment for us older ladies so all of this magically disappears.
I guess I’ll have to wait for that golden moment, but until then there’s always alcohol.
Pass the Clearisil.