Tag Archives: Where is ma chocolate?

Everyday Is Fucking Delightful

Posted in Misguided Musings by

rainbow

Especially in this climate of economic unrest in our province.  It’s like a big game of Battleship and everybody is waiting to see if their ship will be hit with a layoff or missed until the next round.  Sinking ships abound, the fear is almost palpable and people are demanding answers with little response.  Fucking delightful, I tell you.

I seem to be treading safe waters for the moment but lest I be trumping my ace, we will stay still and wait.  All together now, “Kumbaya, ma Lord, Kumbaya…”

The other night at one of our illustrious DH meetings, someone uttered the words “it was magical” and I almost choked on my wine.  Seriously, I couldn’t believe someone said that.  “magical”….wow.  Fucking magical!! Really?  I thought I was going to have to choke on my Dorito until we were swiftly brought back to reality with surly teen behaviours and stories of misbehaving animals…there we go.  THAT is fucking magical.  Reality bites and I rather enjoy our tirades of unruly children and wayward romps into the abyss of alcohol induced escapades, like serenading peeps outside their windows with the infamous Roseanne Edition of the Star Spangled Banner….THAT is fucking magical, people.   Oh sure, the magical story was truly wonderful, but for some reason when the word ‘magical’ came into play, my urge to spit out sarcastic phrases became almost too much to bare…I did manage to restrain myself.  Lucky thing.  I probs would have looked like Bitch to the Extreme had I given in to my sarcastic self…down Ms. Sue Sylvester, down.

Don't say it, Sue....

Don’t say it, Sue….

I’m not above a good feel good story about family and love and the wonderfulness and boundless amounts of joy that it brings, but I was just not in the ‘let’s all join hands and have a big love-in’ kind of mood.  Sorry.  My bad.  I’m awful…*sigh*

On the positive side, I’ve managed to dodge the ‘you’re an asshole’ bullet once again by totally ignoring all invitations to volunteer at D2’s safe grad.  Yessssss….Had I accepted said invitiation the looks of out-and-out horror on the face of my grad-baby would have been…wait.  That would have been awesome!  Why am I declining?  Hmm….let’s see.  She doesn’t want me within five hundred feet of her grad activities and friends.  Too much opportunity to embarrass her with my bad French and urge to pinch their cheeks and call them ‘cutie-pie’ and ‘does your mother know you talk like that?’ Yeah.   As totally spectacular as that would be for me, I must think of grad-baby and decline said invitation.  I know.  I see how truly disappointed we all are about this however, D2 now realizes what a badass I truly am.  I’m almost as awesome as she thinks I am…almost….

Barney awesome

A Fantastic Craptastical Friday

Posted in Misguided Musings by

Friday squirrel

It’s Friday, finally and I have to say I’ve had a pretty decent week…considering I don’t remember most of it.   I’d say I’ve done awesome.

Let’s do a recap of events for those of you who desperately need to know how I exist on the planet without daily doses of sunshine and unicorns…or for those of you who mildly care and have nothing else better to do…or simply for those of you who don’t give a shit but are here reading this lame excuse for a post for God knows what reason.

Monday:  Weather:  Snow showers, cloudy, craptastic

Dragged my ass into the-place-that-shall-not-be-named after a night of Oscars and DH ladies, too much wine and food.  I missed the whole Jennifer falling on her face event, but took great joy in Seth McFarland who reminded us DH ladies a little too much of Donny Osmond…before he spoke.  Fave Song:  We Saw Your Boobs

Tuesday:  Weather:  Snow showers, sun, craptastic

An uneventful day, but seeing as it was pay day, I was pretty stoked…until I got home and realized that we had little food and all ma funds were for paying bills and repaying children’s piggy banks.  Ugh…

Wednesday:  Weather:  Cloudy, windy, snow showers, craptastic

Another winner of a day with the puppy pooping incessantly on the carpet, the kids running amok due to hunger pains and family notifying us of their impending visit.  Yay.  Grocery shopping ensues in blizzard type conditions, forcing me to clean off the car before and after said shopping, almost ploughing into the back of a van going less than the speed of a snail where I hear ma phone ringing which I ignore, then finally answer , only to hear daughter lamenting she needs the car NOW to which I promptly hang up on her, only  to arrive home and throw down the grocery bags in dramatic pre-menopausal fashion  and exclaim “I Fucking hate winter!!”  Ugh…

Thursday:  Weather:  Freezing rain, windy, cold, craptastic

The day before Friday.  Lots of chocolate is consumed, laughter ensues, a casual evening cooking and preparing a slow cooker meal for the next day which NEVER happens but guilt is an amazing thing, ain’t it?   followed by a glass of wine and TV.  Yay.

Friday:  Weather: Freezing rain, windy, fucking cold, craptastic.

Donned my fave sweatpants since students are leaving the building in hordes in preparation for their week long vacay from academia and I felt like a comfy day was in order.   Ordered out for lunch with the ‘girls’, read some of blogs like this one and this one.  Even participated in the Twitter universe for a change…I’m getting there, don’t rush me.

There. A Fantastical Craptastical week in summation.  I know.  I can’t wait for the weekend.  Maybe a celeb will fall down the stairs again and I’ll actually get to see it this time!  One can only hope…..

Thoughts

Posted in Misguided Musings by

I was so desperate for a subject to post today I went searching on Google for writing topics.  I began reading down a list until I realized they were grouped into categories of grades.  Grade 1 topics were those of picnics, favorite zoo animals, my bestest friend;  then there were Grade 2 topics that had to do with my family, the best thing to do at recess, and so on.  I kinda liked the topics from Grade 1 the best…not sure what that says about me.  So tomorrow’s topic should be titled ‘Zebras, The Misunderstood Zoo Animal”.  Bound to be an engaging and stimulating topic.  Maybe I’ll color a picture and post that too!

Inadvertently, while searching for topics I decided to do some family tree hunting. Funny how the topic of zoo animals prompted thoughts about my family.  Oh, yeah.  Live inside my head for a while…Anyway, researching dead family members is probs not the thing to do without oodles of time and energy and cash in your wallet.  Holy Crap, I thought Ancestry.com was supposed to be a free service.  It’s only free as far as entering your name.  Everything else seems to be a pay-per-view service.  Dammit, Jim I don’t have that kind of power!  Pay to see obits and death certificates and census reports?  Hmmm…let me think.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  As wonderfully dry as that sounds, I think I’ll move on to something with a little more juice in its container…. Cartoon videos?!  Yee-haw!!!

I’ve not visited my Twitter account in weeks, but somehow I still get new followers.  Are they following me because they think I’m awesome and just the quiet type?  Or are they following me because they think they’ll get a ‘follow’ back?  Or is it my winning smile and effervescent personality??  Hmmm….they must think that I’m following them back.  How can they tell my personality from a few random tweets? I should shake them up a bit and tweet “Yo, assholes.  What up ma homies?  Y’all givin’ me ‘noia to the most. Stay outta ma ‘hood, yo.  Word”  Yeah.  That’s the essence of my personality right there.  That should bring on a whole new group of followers who should NOT be on twitter…or any other form of social media….

In the meantime, I’m practicing my drawing and coloring for the zoo animal topic.  What do you think so far?

zoo animal

Yeah.  I’m practically awesome.

 

 

Get Off Of My Cloud

Posted in Misguided Musings by

assholes

I’m surrounded by assholes.  Seriously.  What is up with people?!  Has the Asswit Squad decided to descend among the general population and dispense it’s flagrant idiocy to us unsuspecting innocents?

I have found lately that I am more sensitive to the shit that is routinely dispensed in my environment.  I refuse to acknowledge the presence of jackwits who fuck everything up then complain that others aren’t doing their jobs.  Ugh. I realize that the current economic fragility has people more than a little anxious, but fuck off and get on with it.  Really.

Is it necessary to vent that you are ‘not a chauffeur’ even though you volunteered to drive people to the event in the first place?

And excuse me asswit, but who made you the king of all things right?  I realize you’ve been around the block, but bragging how you know everything, does not win any popularity points or put you in good with anyone deemed responsible for your pay cheque.  Dough-head.

And telling people to use another door when you demanded they come in, then not have adequate snow removal is fucked-up.  Just sayin’.

I probably could go on a little more here, but you get my gist.  Stop complaining and do what you need to do.  I’m reeeeaaallly trying to be positive here, so either get with the whole ‘the-world-is-fucking-magical-and-I-love-it’ thing, or move on.  I’m tired of assholes messing up my more than rosy outlook on life.  I’m freakin’ happy here!

rainbow

Can’t you see the effervescent glow of my joy and the glare of the sunshine and rainbows projecting out of my ass? The unicorn you just ran over with your Jeep was my one piece of happiness that was getting me through my less-than-blithesome day!   That happy face you just shot a hole through with your sawed-off shotgun was the symbol of my everlasting faith in humanity.  It gave me hope that peace and love prevail over the evil and negative forces that invade my space on a daily basis…meaning you, you fuckhead.  Get off of my cloud!  Ugh…..

smiley face

In conclusion, I would just like to say for you asshats to keep your negativity out of my space, please.  It takes all of me to be this friggin’ happy during the worst month of the year and I’m currently basking in the glory of a job well done on that front.  AND…I said ‘please’.  That should count for something, dammit.

Nickels And World Domination

Posted in Misguided Musings by

28_nickel

Sometimes I feel as if I am walking around and have no idea what I’m talking about.  Other times, I hear other people talk and think THEY have no clue either.  So, really.  Nobody knows jack.  I’m good with that.

My zipper broke on my suede jacket this morning causing me to swear loudly, which caused the dog to jump, which caused the kids to scoop her up, which caused me to feel badly.  My contact lense was clouded which caused me to rinse it thricely (?) which caused my eye to be bloodshot and watery, which slowed me down in preparing for work. Running out the door,  I then had to scrape twenty inches of snow from my car, which was cemented by the freezing rain, which required more time spent on the scraping since daughter felt the need to sit and watch, which caused me to mumble expletives under my breath, which caused me to take a different route to work since the roads had not been ploughed and I was too busy mumbling to pay attention to where I was going, which then caused me to endure traffic , which caused me to be late for work, which caused daughter to be late for her exam, on which she did badly which resulted in everything being my fault.  Again and as per usual.   Ugh.

Eating raw carrots is like watching a slow agonizing rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ while repeatedly jabbing a fork into my thigh.

My stash of nickels should come in handy when my plan for world domination comes to fruition.  We’ve already done away with the penny…I declare that nickels are now worth more.  And bacon should be free.

The best things are left unsaid.  Who said that?  I guess if it was said, it wasn’t ‘the best thing’.  Shit.

I’m missing the Die Hard marathon playing at the local theatre today.  Twelve non-stop hours of yippe-kay-yay MoFu along with witty repartee, stinging banter, blazing machine guns, hanging from skyscrapers by nothing but a fire hose and crawling through ventilation ducts with lighters.  Okay, maybe the banter isn’t so great…but ‘welcome to the party pal’!   Oh how I wish I had my popcorn and my seat in the theatre right now.  Another time, McClean…another time.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I sneak out for a few hours.  I could ‘work from home’…maybe.  What?  Ugh….I’m suddenly feeling ill…I have a fever?  I contracted T.B.?  That malaria shot I got a few months ago is working against me!  I have the measles!  Look at all the red spots…no, those aren’t freckles…just look through these 3-D glasses and tell me those spots aren’t red…AND SOME ARE BLUE??!!  Holy shit I need to go home and rest!  Get the paramedics!  I know…a few hours in a theatre might do me some good.  Some nachos, pop, a comfy chair and Willis…I think I almost convinced you.  Maybe.  I could give you some of my nickels….

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha...ugh. I so should be there!

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha…ugh. I so should be there!