Tag Archives: Humour

Fallness IS a Word, I Just Made it Up. Also, My Back Hurts.

Posted in Misguided Musings by

My back is giving me grief today.  Day three of pain.  It started out on Saturday evening and by Sunday night, I was walking like a Zombie looking for his next brain.  Ugh.  I made it to work, but exercising has taken a back seat to attempts at finding a comfy spot.  Sitting is difficult and trying to get in any kind of horizontal position is downright impossible.  I get sympathy looks and offers for pillows.  I also get the dog jumping at me incessantly and the ‘well, since you’re up…’ from kids.  MOM CAN’T SIT DOWN SO LET’S GET HER TO GET EVERYTHING FOR US WHILE SHE’S STILL ABLE TO WALK.  Nice.

Fun Fact: I can sleep upright.  Also, getting your birth units to assist in donning footwear is embarrassing (apparently, more for them) and filled with exclamations of ‘ewww’ and ‘ugh.  I can’t WAIT until you’re OLD.’   Don’t worry about it, kid I’ll just wear my slippers all of the time.  Even out in public.  I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M OLD EITHER  AND I MAKE YOU TAKE ME SHOPPING AND OUT TO RESTAURANTS AND PLACES YOU DON’T WANT TO GO.  IN MY SLIPPERS.  AND JUST FOR FUN I’LL WEAR MY SWEATPANTS, TOO.

So there.

I have a few posts just waiting for the right time to hit the blog, but I seem to have abandoned them for the ‘right time’….what?   Not sure when that will be.  One is very positive and pleading with humanity to get a grip and try to be nice and let’s all just get along…also, I may have been hopped up on muscle relaxants and pain pills at the time.   The other is about my trip to get a tattoo.  It’s a fun-filled romp into ‘WTF I’m Fifty’.  AND ‘NO MUSCLE RELAXANTS IN THAT BIT O’PAIN ALL IN THE NAME OF ART’.  Sure to make one shake her head in ‘WTF is wrong with her’…like I haven’t heard THAT one before.  No judging.

There’s also a great character sketch about a shrunken pirate head.

I know.  NOW, you can’t wait for that one.

Hope you are all enjoying the fallness of the season and are able to tie your shoes unassisted.

It’s the little things, people.

 

fall leaves

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Falling Down is An Art form, So I’m An Artist!

Posted in Misguided Musings by
woman worker

I put this pic in because I needed the inspiration. I can do more than just fall down well.  

Today saw me literally falling out of my car.  FALLING OUT OF MY CAR.  Who DOES THAT?  I opened the door and it was as if my feet and legs couldn’t cooperate enough to manage a foot-on-the-pavement solid step movement, so instead opted for the next best thing and just decided to slide me under my car.  As soon as my foot touched the ground, I slid uncontrollably under my driver’s side door.  There was no attempt at grabbing anything to stop the decent from happening, I just went with the motion and kept on going.  I even shut my door.  It was kinda graceful, really.  In slow motion, I would have looked like an elegant ballerina deciding to check the underside of my car…with my feet.  In my defense, the pavement was a sheet of ice from all that freezing rain crap…but still…SLID OUT OF MY CAR.  Ugh.  AND, Friend witnessed the aftermath as I sat on the freezing ground deciding if I should attempt to stand, or just stay the hell down there…so she laughed…all the way into bootcamp.  FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

AND, I finished a bootcamp class, thank you very much.

A million burpees and several thousand push-ups…I’m sure it was that many.  At the very least…I lost count.

I SLID UNDER MY CAR AND MANAGED TO EXERCISE.

What did you do today?

Yeah….

 

 

A Practical Guide to Surviving Holiday Parties

Posted in Misguided Musings by

 

Christmas is a wonderful season full of good will and good friends and family.  Parties and social gatherings are a given at this time of year, and getting together at work socials and/or a spouse’s work social can be a stressful and anxiety inducing event.   Here are my top tips for enjoying these special occasions while maintaining your dignity and Christmas spirit and enthusiasm for the season.  Enjoy!

  • Be prepared ahead of time by drinking a few cocktails before leaving your house (ensuring you are transported safely by a designated driver…I’m all about safety) that way you will be more at ease and further inclined to tell better jokes…which invariably leads to you laughing at them yourself…at least SOMEBODY will find you funny!
  • Wear your festive garb with pride. Nobody likes a fuddy-duddy and nothing says getting into the Christmas spirit more than wearing that fugly sweater with matching flashing earrings and socks.  Remember…everybody will be drunk eventually and will laud all over you with sentiment and admiration for your bravery….and awesome fashion sense. You will rock that partay.
  • Stash the Elf on the Shelf dude in a hidden place with a half empty bottle of whiskey during the party. The host will have fun discovering it later when she cleans up and then instantly blames her husband for his awful taste and poor judgement….and wasting a perfectly good bottle of Jack on a stuffed elf.
  • Be sure to bring a party favour for the host. Christmas is about giving so bring something nice along to thank her for inviting you.  Like wine.  Wine is good. Be sure to crack that bottle open at the party when she’s not looking, that way you can taste it and make sure it’s suitable!  Then you can toast your good taste and generous spirit by drinking her gift.  You rock!
  •  Compliment her Christmas tree and decorating finesse during the party.  Later, when everybody is hammered you can ‘fix’ it by rearranging all the ornaments to look like her three year old snuck out and got creative.  She’ll be sure to admire it  after she finds her angel face down in a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps and tinsel strewn around all corners of the house.  Again, she’ll blame Hubby…
  • Find a nice quiet corner to sit and contemplate the true meaning of Christmas whilst watching everyone else drink themselves silly and discuss why Joan Jett would sing Silent Night and the Little Drummer Boy, but not Santa Baby….hmmm….then get more wine and circle the gathering by humming ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’…spread the Joan Jett Joy.
  • When eating boxed chocolates, read the chocolate guide to ensure you don’t eat the yukky cherry cream, or orange sherbet stuff or coconut cream ones. Leave those and eat the other caramel filled yummy ones.   Then replace the missing ones with the orange sherbet and coconut filled chocolates from the bottom tray.   Throw out the now empty tray and leave the one full tray of orange sherbet crap and coconut filled ones on top, that way everybody will think the box is half full, when really, it’s half empty….or it IS half full…of crappy chocolate.  Either way, it’s a psychological thing.  They’ll be happy that they scored a full load of chocolate and you’ll have already eaten the best ones!  Win-Win!  You’re all about spreading Christmas cheer….

 

There you have it.  You are now all set for the Christmas parties that are sure to come your way!  Enjoy yourself and remember, elves and Jack go together like wine and me…sweet and…well, we’ll just leave it at sweet. 

 

 

Tragic Tale of The Washer That Won’t Wash 

Posted in Misguided Musings, Uncategorized by

We are running out of clean clothes. Close to three weeks with no working washing machine and I’m about ready to lose my shit. Seriously, I’ve called the company from the washing Gods at least seven times and yesterday, I reached my boiling point. I yelled…I never yell…I scared my daughter who ran upstairs when she heard me exclaim “I HAVE THREE KIDS, A DOG AND NO WASHING MACHINE TO WASH ANYTHING!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? HUH?! HUH?!! WHAT?!” (The dog has nothing to do with washing anything, it’s not like I have a newborn baby around who poops in her pants and throws up over everything, but I thought I’d toss in the fact that I’m a loyal pet owner who likes to keep stuff clean….I thought I could induce sympathy, but apparently the washing machine company from hell is void of feelings…and compassion to pet owners. AND MULTIPLE CHILDREN. They probably hate babies and kittens and those baby chimps dressed up like little dolls, too. Bastards) To which multiple apologies came over the phone with the ‘ma’am’…I hate the ‘ma’am’ Ugh.

So, in the end nothing happened. The motor was replaced and the machine that shouldn’t be called a machine, but a lame piece of expensive- dirty- laundry- dumping- area, still sits there mocking me. NOT WORKING. “Ha-ha told ‘ya they wouldn’t help. Now you have to spend more money than what I’m worth to fix me, so I can break down and sit here and mock you again…I think I’ll have an implosion and spontaneously combust….how does Dec. 24th sound? He-he-he” Asshole.

I’m gonna have some wine and think about how best to drunk-text the washing machine company….I’ll inundate their inboxes with pictures of puppies and cute little monkies and piglets….and say, ‘THIS IS WHO YOU WON’T FIX A MACHINE FOR! THE BABY ANIMALS OF THE WORLD IMPLORE YOU TO FIX MA WASHER…THEY NEED CLEAN LITTLE DRESS UP CLOTHES!!!”  

There.

That otta do it.  

 

 

 

OH MY GAWD THE LEAVES ARE FALLING AND BLOWING AROUND AND I HAVE TO GET THEM!!

Posted in Misguided Musings by

Last night, I walked out of my house and spied a little girl, her father and her younger sister walking down the sidewalk with fallen leaves bunched up in eldest girl’s fists. It was obvious they were out for a pleasant walk to collect some fall leaves, although I’m not entirely convinced it was ‘pleasant’. The little girl had leaves bunched up by their stems in her hands and every so often, a gust of wind would blow the leaves, tugging one or a few free. They would take flight, which would then send the little girl into fits of frightful screams.  The father would patiently wait for her to run after the airborne leaf and rescue it, trapping it back into her already full hands.  She would just manage to secure the escapee as another wind would blow yet another leaf astray, and more screaming would ensue.

After several minutes of this game and halfway down the street, the father becomes impatient with the screaming and the running after blowing leaves. He grabs up the entire collected bunch from the little girls fists and pushes them forcefully into his pants pockets.  He grabs her little hand and begins to drag her down the street, still screaming.  He gives up a little further down the road, and releases the girl’s hand admonishing her to stop screaming.  The little girl’s sister looks at the now quieted girl, points to the street where a scatter of fallen leaves have become loose from the nearby maple trees and calmly says “you missed one.”  I giggle as fits of further screaming can be heard.

I love fall….