Tag Archives: Funny

The Phone Poltergeists are Taking Over the World

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My phone is possessed.  I have dropped it twelve too many times and now it simply does whatever the fuck it wants.  Like switching apps at random times.  Fading my background to eerie France-like colours that was all in support of Je Suis Charlie last year, but not my choice right now.  I like actually being able to view what’s on my home screen.  While I’m still a supporter of France (who isn’t?  Uh, wine) I don’t think the colors should be fading in and out on my phone.  It also has decided to start prank-calling random people on my contact list at very inopportune times of the day. Like 5am.   I received a voice mail from the breeder of Mags desperately asking if the dog was all right since I have called her twice and hung up.  Apparently, that signals ‘dog emergency’ and she became concerned that Mags had become a crazed victim of rabies, or biting or anti-social behaviour.  All of which are more than a possibility, however, I was forced to send breeder a soothing text alighting that Mags was indeed alive and well and, albeit anti-social and a pain in my ass, still fine.  Not rabid.  Not lost.  Not eating shit off the floor…wait.  Okay, maybe that last one.  I dismissed attempting to tell her my phone called her all by itself…Suuuure it did.  Like who would believe a phone can make phone calls all by itself?  Next, you’ll tell me there’s an artificial intelligence movement where machines will eventually take over the world and we should be cautious….

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Mmmm…K.

I’ve taken to blaming the strange events as the work of Perry the Poltergeist. Icons are being activated without my hand being anywhere near the phone and my home screen scares me.  I stare at it waiting for Pennywise from It to appear and scare the beejesus out of me.  Seriously.  I even had to alert friends on FB assuring them that I was not prank calling at 5:00am and if I ever DID do that, I certainly would have done more than simply hung up.  Gawd, do you know me at all?!  The very least would have been heavy breathing…then maniacal laughter…I’m liking this idea..

So, if you have fallen victim to my evil phone, I apologize.  AND, if you receive a prank call very early in the morning, it wasn’t me…probably.  It was that Perry…He can be such a dick sometimes…

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Mags.  Still ok and eating shit off the floor…

 

 

A Practical Guide to Surviving Holiday Parties

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Christmas is a wonderful season full of good will and good friends and family.  Parties and social gatherings are a given at this time of year, and getting together at work socials and/or a spouse’s work social can be a stressful and anxiety inducing event.   Here are my top tips for enjoying these special occasions while maintaining your dignity and Christmas spirit and enthusiasm for the season.  Enjoy!

  • Be prepared ahead of time by drinking a few cocktails before leaving your house (ensuring you are transported safely by a designated driver…I’m all about safety) that way you will be more at ease and further inclined to tell better jokes…which invariably leads to you laughing at them yourself…at least SOMEBODY will find you funny!
  • Wear your festive garb with pride. Nobody likes a fuddy-duddy and nothing says getting into the Christmas spirit more than wearing that fugly sweater with matching flashing earrings and socks.  Remember…everybody will be drunk eventually and will laud all over you with sentiment and admiration for your bravery….and awesome fashion sense. You will rock that partay.
  • Stash the Elf on the Shelf dude in a hidden place with a half empty bottle of whiskey during the party. The host will have fun discovering it later when she cleans up and then instantly blames her husband for his awful taste and poor judgement….and wasting a perfectly good bottle of Jack on a stuffed elf.
  • Be sure to bring a party favour for the host. Christmas is about giving so bring something nice along to thank her for inviting you.  Like wine.  Wine is good. Be sure to crack that bottle open at the party when she’s not looking, that way you can taste it and make sure it’s suitable!  Then you can toast your good taste and generous spirit by drinking her gift.  You rock!
  •  Compliment her Christmas tree and decorating finesse during the party.  Later, when everybody is hammered you can ‘fix’ it by rearranging all the ornaments to look like her three year old snuck out and got creative.  She’ll be sure to admire it  after she finds her angel face down in a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps and tinsel strewn around all corners of the house.  Again, she’ll blame Hubby…
  • Find a nice quiet corner to sit and contemplate the true meaning of Christmas whilst watching everyone else drink themselves silly and discuss why Joan Jett would sing Silent Night and the Little Drummer Boy, but not Santa Baby….hmmm….then get more wine and circle the gathering by humming ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’…spread the Joan Jett Joy.
  • When eating boxed chocolates, read the chocolate guide to ensure you don’t eat the yukky cherry cream, or orange sherbet stuff or coconut cream ones. Leave those and eat the other caramel filled yummy ones.   Then replace the missing ones with the orange sherbet and coconut filled chocolates from the bottom tray.   Throw out the now empty tray and leave the one full tray of orange sherbet crap and coconut filled ones on top, that way everybody will think the box is half full, when really, it’s half empty….or it IS half full…of crappy chocolate.  Either way, it’s a psychological thing.  They’ll be happy that they scored a full load of chocolate and you’ll have already eaten the best ones!  Win-Win!  You’re all about spreading Christmas cheer….

 

There you have it.  You are now all set for the Christmas parties that are sure to come your way!  Enjoy yourself and remember, elves and Jack go together like wine and me…sweet and…well, we’ll just leave it at sweet. 

 

 

The Christmas Lamp

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If you are thinking this will be a heartwarming Christmas story, you couldn’t be more wrong.  AND, if that’s the reason you ended up here, I am sorry.  However, before you turn on your elfin heels to stalk the web in search of lovely warm tales of Christmas miracles and Santa, take a gander at this little story.  It may make you smile…AND, there IS a moral in it!  So…it’s better than the Gift of the Magii…it’s the Gift of the Christmas Lamp!  Yay. 

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Christmas when the kids were small took on a different meaning than it does now.  As adults, we tend to enjoy the season of getting together with family and friends, imbibing in all the great food and drink people tend to have out, relaxing and generally having some time away from work and stress.  Gifts are second or third on the list or simply not that important to us.  For the kids it was dolls and dresses, trucks and musical instruments, a much needed new movie or video game.  For Hubby, Christmas is awesome, but it took us (me) a while to figure that out.

Hubby has a bad habit of saying incessantly he wants ‘nothing’ for Christmas.  He stated continuously that as long as the kids have some of the things on their lists, he was happy.  This line is repeated so often leading up to Christmas Day, that after 22 years of hearing it we have become deaf to the whole lecture.  “Yeah, yeah, we know” we say and make sure he has gifts under the tree anyway.  It wasn’t always the case.

One Christmas when the children were very small, Hubby was particularly adamant that he, again, wanted “nothing for Christmas.  I mean, it.  Nothing.”   Me, taking that serious statement as totally the way he wanted it, abided by it.  Kinda.

I mean, I had to get him SOMETHING, right?  Right.  So I did.

Christmas morning found us bunking at Nanny’s so she could be with the kids.  We arose to all of us crowded around in the small living room, the children eyeing what Santa had brought them.  We doled out what was under the tree and watched as they gleefully tore open their packages.  I had a sweet pile by my side.  “Mommy, where’s Daddy’s gifts?”  one of the children asked.  They were so sweet then….  “Well, Daddy said he didn’t want anything, but he may have one under there…”

That’s when I swooped in and brought out the impossible-to-wrap-one-of-a-kind…you guessed it…LAMP.

I got him a lamp for his desk.

The look on his face was…well, surprise?  Guffawed?  Yeah…guffawed.

“YOU GOT ME A LAMP?!”  He was incredulous.

This was not just any lamp.  This was one of those banker lamps from the 80’s with the two columned black iron solid base that weighed a ton.  It even had the green glass light on top.  It was so…so…so much a lamp.

Me:  “In my defense you said you wanted nothing for Christmas, right?”

Him :  “Yeah, but…”

Me:  “So, if you wanted NOTHING for Christmas, I at least got you something you can put on your new desk.”

I was rather proud I had thought of something practical.

He turned it around.  Set it down on the floor.  The kids all gathered around and said “You got a lamp?! “ and laughed.  I think Nanny felt sorry for him…”Umm…it’s a nice lamp…”

Him: “Yeah, but…but it’s a LAMP.  WHO GETS SOMEBODY A LAMP FOR CHRISTMAS?!”

Me:  “That’s what you get when you ask for NOTHING!!”

The rest of the day, family was dropping by Nanny’s to see what the kids had gotten from Santa.  They showed them their gifts and proudly proclaimed “AND LOOK, DADDY GOT A LAMP!” but couldn’t pick it up to show because it was too heavy and awkward and could have been used to train a weightlifter.  The fun was never ending after that.  Teasing, holding up the lamp…”That’s it?”  His brothers and sisters were looking, stunned and totally amused and amazed at the awesomeness, I’m sure. “That’s what you got?!!  A lamp?!!! HAHAHAHA..”

I still bring up the whole episode when I hear the “I want nothing for Christmas” shit one too many times.

So, kids the moral of the story:  Don’t be an asshole, or there will be a lamp under the tree….at least it will have a Christmasy green light!

The Lamp...only the glass was green and it was awesome...

The Lamp…only the glass was green and it was awesome…

OH MY GAWD THE LEAVES ARE FALLING AND BLOWING AROUND AND I HAVE TO GET THEM!!

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Last night, I walked out of my house and spied a little girl, her father and her younger sister walking down the sidewalk with fallen leaves bunched up in eldest girl’s fists. It was obvious they were out for a pleasant walk to collect some fall leaves, although I’m not entirely convinced it was ‘pleasant’. The little girl had leaves bunched up by their stems in her hands and every so often, a gust of wind would blow the leaves, tugging one or a few free. They would take flight, which would then send the little girl into fits of frightful screams.  The father would patiently wait for her to run after the airborne leaf and rescue it, trapping it back into her already full hands.  She would just manage to secure the escapee as another wind would blow yet another leaf astray, and more screaming would ensue.

After several minutes of this game and halfway down the street, the father becomes impatient with the screaming and the running after blowing leaves. He grabs up the entire collected bunch from the little girls fists and pushes them forcefully into his pants pockets.  He grabs her little hand and begins to drag her down the street, still screaming.  He gives up a little further down the road, and releases the girl’s hand admonishing her to stop screaming.  The little girl’s sister looks at the now quieted girl, points to the street where a scatter of fallen leaves have become loose from the nearby maple trees and calmly says “you missed one.”  I giggle as fits of further screaming can be heard.

I love fall….

Fun Times

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The month of July felt more like October and the dawning of August remained daunting, at first. Once August fully arrived, however, I was pleasantly surprised by the final arrival of sunshine and warmth. It seemed to bloom and flourish with the fervor of a kid on a new bike. The flowers grew skyward, the birds sang songs of joy, the grass finally turned a dark shade of green and we were able to sit out on our patios and decks with drinks in hand and relish a season we thought had forgotten us. Ahhh….summer. A few precious weeks we knew would be short lived, but we savoured every minute, nonetheless. During those evenings of peace and wine sipping, I made a mental list of things that I had vowed to do this year and managed to accomplish…or not.
Since making my New Year’s resolution (remember that?) to have more fun, I think so far, I’m getting that. I managed to conquer my fear on the shortest but most effective zipline ride evah; I vowed to train for the Tely 10 and managed to train and run the ten mile race despite my weak final kilometer; daughter secured her place in rowing history by making the ‘First Ever’ list in the local Regatta. She is the first and only female to cox a men’s team to a championship Triple Crown. That was hardly my accomplishment; however, it was fun to watch and exciting to lay witness to a local historical moment. I got some house stuff completed like staining decks, painting the main floor of the house and planting a new flowerbed in the backyard. I read a few books, and have entered a new foray of fitness by joining a local early morning bootcamp. The Bootcamp was more for getting out and doing something out of my comfort zone than it was for the actual exercise.

Oh sure, who doesn’t enjoy getting her ass kicked three times a week? My point by joining the group was to experience something different and new with different people. Getting out there and enjoying something that may be challenging and fun at the same time. Being brave enough to venture into unknown territory and come out still standing.
Who knows what I’ll do next? That’s the joy and ‘fun’ in doing something outside of your own line of sight. There is always something moving and shaking in your peripheral. See it, grab it and do it if you dare. It may be something you love or hate, but you won’t know until you at least try.
Speaking of fun…. I decided to buy a bag of those Dairy Milk chocolate buttons. They’re chocolate AND they’re buttons…how fun is that?! They basically fool you into thinking you’re only eating delicate little buttons of chocolate instead of a huge bar. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…. It works out to the same thing, but I like the delusion, okay?
Anyway, when I opened the package, THERE WERE NO BUTTONS!   WTF Dairy Milk?!    It was one large solid hunk where all the little buttons had melted together and then cooled into one solid mass. Ugh. I was so looking forward to little buttons…. Not deterred, I sauntered on down to ma basement and took out the biggest hammer I could find, and hammered it to bits. Take THAT Dairy Milk! They are no longer buttons nor a solid mass, but little itty bits. I’m not sure that’s better….maybe I’ll melt them again….

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Fun times.