Need Glue? Or An Eyeball? Ask a Mom

I wrote this on a plane whilst travelling the past two weeks.  I spied a young mother, expertly organized, travelling alone with her infant daughter.  She had a contraption that could strap the child in to her body if so desired for feeding or for sleeping, but could also release her.  She had food at the ready, toys, blanket, diapers, wipes and seemed to pull any and all of these necessities from out of the air.  I remembered the days of babies and not being so expertly organized.  I was impressed and in awe with that young mom.  The little baby had everything she needed and was content and occupied the entire 5 hour flight.  That’s why moms are awesome.  This observation is what inspired this post.  Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms who would claw out their eyeballs for their kids without blinking an eye.  Well, the other eye…

Mothers are the glue that hold the world together.  If a child needed an eye, the mom would claw it out with her bare hands and hand it to the kid.  “Here.  Take it and go.”  No questions.  No fuss.  She would just pry it out and give it up.  “Here.  I still have the other one.  No, really.  I’m fine.”

Now, a Dad may take another direction.  He would first consider the request and then start reviewing his options.  He would have to ascertain the most obviously painless way possible to remove his eye.  Surgery?  Laser?  Can it be done?  How much time would it take? I NEED PAINKILLERS.  Does the kid REALLY need my eye?!  Then, he would likely move on to solve the whole ‘aesthetically pleasing’ thing.   What would I look like without my eye?  Can I still maintain my masculine mystique with one eyeball?!  Sunglasses work for some guys, is that a permanent possibility?  Ray Bans are cool….I wonder if I get a different hairstyle, if that would cover the gaping whole in my face?  Hmmm…. Lastly, he would have to consider vision.  How can a guy see with one eye?  Would I need a cane to get around?  So much to consider.  A team would be called in.  Consultations would have to be made.  There would be meetings.  LOTS of meetings.  Reports.  Graphs.  PIE CHARTS.

For a mom, there’s just a kid needing her eye. She finds the quickest way possible to allow him to function, so why not just give him hers.  That’s it.  Simple, really.  No discussion, no fuss, a little mess but hey it’s worth it.  The kid has an eye.  Oh, the stuff he can do now that mom has given him her eye.

Sacrifice.  Dedication.  Love.

All without Pie Charts.

Glue.  Mommies are glue.

nose picker

 

 

 

I Call That Friday Night

The crick in my neck has me walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame this week.  I don’t remember scaling the Empire State building or wildly ringing bells at a cathedral…but then again, it doesn’t mean I didn’t do it.  Just that I don’t remember….

I read today this photographer has just released an exhibit where he had friends drink wine and then photographed them at different stages after one glass, then two then three.  I CALL THAT FRIDAY NIGHT.   He turned it into a photographic portrait of alcohol-induced silliness and got hundreds of fans.  That is what planning does… I take pics on my iPhone and plaster it on FB like normal winos.   This Friday night is going to be very interesting…I’ll have to make sure the iPhone is charged and invite some friends over…Say, “Red-stained-teeth-are-a-few-of-my-favourite-things” peeps!  I wonder what a pic after five glasses will look like?

monkey pic

Oh.  ALREADY BEEN DONE.  Sorry.

I’ve been binge watching Scandal and I think I’ve started ranting like Olivia Pope’s dad.  He has the most epic speeches I’ve ever heard on a television show.  The “you are a boy” speech that saw him project his deep-seeded rage and ire upon the  Prez for holding him captive to help Olivia assist in her mother’s escape from her imprisonment (big mistake, there Miss O) was nothing short of inspiring.  It was practically Shakespearean in its delivery…If you have never heard it, try it here.

So, of course I hear this rant in my head when somebody is less than intelligent in their decisions regarding, anything really.  “You. Are. A. Boy.”   I need him to follow me around so I can have him recite it at random when I want him to lay it out there… “You. Are. A. Boy.”  Hubby forgot to put his socks in the hamper?  “You. Are. A. Boy.”   The guy in front of you in line at the grocery store has more than 15 items in the 12 items or less line?  “You. Are. A. Boy.”   The Personal Trainer at the gym you just joined told you that you had the lungs of a 65 year old smoker? (Actually fucking happened.  I shit you not.  I used some reeeelllly interesting words in my head and heard this ENTIRE speech)  “You. Are. A. Boy.”   I like it.

Memorize it.  Breathe it.  Live it.

You are a boy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversations With…The Dog

Me:  Mags, stop eating the sock.

Mags: I love socks.  Socks are heaven.  This one is my precious.  You can’t have it.  STOP LOOKING AT IT.  IT’S MINE.

Me: If you get all paranoid and possessive I will take that from you.

Mags: Oh, no you won’t!  You have to catch me first!

Me: Oh, God.  I’m not chasing you.   This is me walking away.

Mags: Okay, but look at the sock I have.  I’m going to follow you, and jump on you and pee on the floor from how exciting this sock is.

Me:  Ugh, stop being so annoying and PUT DOWN THE DAMNED SOCK!

Mags:  No.  I love the sock.  The sock loves me.  We are inseparable.  We Looooove each other.

Me:  You know the sock is a thing and not a living breathing thing, right?

Mags: Tsk, you doubt my intelligence human.  Now stop bothering me and look at my sock.

Me:  No

Mags: YES! LOOK AT MY SOCK. IT’S A GLORIOUS SOCK!!!

Me: Stop chewing bits off of it and eating it.  You’re going to get digestive problems

Mags: NO, I WON’T!  I LOVE MY SOCK!!!!

Me:  Here look.  Cheerios.  Cheerios are better to eat than socks.   Gawd, I think I said that to one of the kids before….

Mags: WHAT?!   YOU HAVE CHEERIOS?!

Me: Yes, and I’m just going to casually lay them here on the bed so you can eat them…see?

Mags: Hmmm….but, sock though…

Me:  Cheerios, Mags.  Come and have some cheerios…yummmm…

Mags:  Well, maybe just one…

Me: *snatches sock from floor as Mags eats Cheerios*

Mags:  I love Cheerios!

Me:  I know, Mags.  I know….

Maggie 2013

It’s like she’s saying, “Fuck You and give me a sock” but in a cute puppy way…

 

Gawd, Mary You’re Such a – What Is a Side Lateral Raise With a Garlic Press?!

burpees-2-1024x683

Yeah!  Kinda, sorta…

I think as I’m getting older, my patience is tending to wane.  I’m also getting more and more incapable of remaining in an upright position…in any situation.  See this.   AND, my ability to stay attentive and focused on something any longer than sixty seconds is careening into near dementia-like capacity.  Seriously.

I’ve noticed lately, that when directions are given (like in bootcamp class) I listen for all of five whole seconds and then my mind wanders… ‘gee, I wonder how long I can hold my breath under water these days.  I wonder if the weather is going to get any better by the time I leave.  Has the U.S totally gone bonkers?  Trump is a royal asshole.  What?  Bicep curl, got it.   Gee, did I turn off the stove this morning?  I DON’T USE THE STOVE AT 5AM.   Gawd, pay attention.  What did she say?  What the hell does French Press mean?  Like, Garlic press but better because it’s French and so… wine?   I don’t think there’s wine here.  Did I buy wine?  Do I need some for tonight?  Who’s coming over for wine?  I love wine.’

Then, by the time the actual workout station is upon me, I have totally forgotten/not noticed/no fucking clue what the hell ‘lateral row with elastic’ means, so I invariably make it up.  Yep, I’m there doing some shit I totally invented thinking, ‘Gawd, this must be it’ and ‘I’m totally killing this shit’.  Then coach eyes me suspiciously and comes over to show me the opposite of what I’m doing…so, I’m wrong? How did THAT happen?  I think my new exercise rocks….or not.

Is it sunny out yet?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?!

So it goes for daily work, family stuff…writing time…driving…I really shouldn’t drive with children or impressionable youth in my car.  I tend to be, um, what’s the word…annoyed?  Hmm….INTOLERANT is probably a better description.  It’s my inability to comprehend the logic behind many, many drivers on the roads which sends me into classic tirades on considerate driving habits, rules of the road, WHY NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MERGE REALLY MEANS.  Struggles.

So, getting back to the original topic I’m turning fifty, I’m losing my mind, I can’t walk on ice or rain soaked pavement, I hate drivers, I love dogs and I love wine.

The End.

  1. Downton Abbey totally gets the “This Shit is Awesome” Award for Edith’s epic rant of simply “YOU’RE A BITCH, MARY!!”

And so she is, Edith.  So. She. Is.

Lady Mary

“Gawd, Mary…get a sense of humour.”

I think I fist pumped the dog after that one.

 

 

 

 

 

Falling Down is An Art form, So I’m An Artist!

woman worker

I put this pic in because I needed the inspiration. I can do more than just fall down well.  

Today saw me literally falling out of my car.  FALLING OUT OF MY CAR.  Who DOES THAT?  I opened the door and it was as if my feet and legs couldn’t cooperate enough to manage a foot-on-the-pavement solid step movement, so instead opted for the next best thing and just decided to slide me under my car.  As soon as my foot touched the ground, I slid uncontrollably under my driver’s side door.  There was no attempt at grabbing anything to stop the decent from happening, I just went with the motion and kept on going.  I even shut my door.  It was kinda graceful, really.  In slow motion, I would have looked like an elegant ballerina deciding to check the underside of my car…with my feet.  In my defense, the pavement was a sheet of ice from all that freezing rain crap…but still…SLID OUT OF MY CAR.  Ugh.  AND, Friend witnessed the aftermath as I sat on the freezing ground deciding if I should attempt to stand, or just stay the hell down there…so she laughed…all the way into bootcamp.  FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

AND, I finished a bootcamp class, thank you very much.

A million burpees and several thousand push-ups…I’m sure it was that many.  At the very least…I lost count.

I SLID UNDER MY CAR AND MANAGED TO EXERCISE.

What did you do today?

Yeah….