Author Archives: KJ Ivany

I Played Poker With Uncle Jesse And Lost

Posted in Misguided Musings by

uncle jesse

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Playahs:   Miss H, Mrs. Jacked,  Mr. Frankie,  KS, Mr. Toyota, Rogue, Coach

Nurse Betty, Birthday Girl, Mr. Bing, Frankie, Mr. Jacked, Bestie, Mr. Banker

The Event:   Couples Poker

The Place:  The lovely and lively abode of KS and Mr. Banker…three dogs and two kids….lively.

Where was Rogue’s other half? Sick in bed

Who took his place? Why, Bestie of course.  Her Hubby was AWOL as well…so we coupled up.  We’re trampy like that.

Who won?  Stop rushing me, I’ll get to that.

The evening began like any other.  The house was alive with the sound of puppies barking.  Yeah, I’m not the only intelligent human who decided to get a dog…only KS went a step further and bought TWO.  Must have been a BOGO sale.

Anywho, we were all placed at our tables after reading the seating arrangements and  deftly mocking Mr. Bing’s  poker table cloth.  What? IT’S A POKER TABLE CLOTH!!  So funny.    I was swiftly seated at the GROWN UP  table with the first Playahs listed.  Not sure how I registered as GROWN UP… must have been my maturity and professionalism on one of my rants when I referred to everybody (not as in my lovely neighbours ‘everybody’, but everybody else…)  as assholes.  Obviously a step-up from my usual reference of ‘fuckwits’ and ‘asshats’.  Score one for maturity.

Seated at the Kid table was the second line of Playahs listed…interesting mix.  There is strategy in everything people, so there was strategy in this one.  No couples to sit together.  What?  You were expecting something more complicated?   Uh, nope.  That’s pretty much it.  I was fairly confident at the beginning of the game especially with two previous wins under my belt and since I was seated next to Mr. Toyota whose track record for winning at Couples poker is a little, well, to put it nicely, suck-ish.  Yeah.  Just sucks.  Coach, was the previous winnah since he took me out big time last game, was seated on my right…I was looking for payback.  So didn’t happen, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first few hands were getting along quite nicely with everyone pretty much winning one each.  Miss H was sneaking up on all the men…where did she come from?  Mr. Toyota was the biggest come-from-behind-the-garage-and-sock-me-over-the-head-with-a-monkey-wrench that I have ever witnessed in my 7 years playing this game.  Holy fuck, Batman what was that?!  He took virtually all my nice chips with his ‘a full house beats a flush’ …WHO MADE THAT UP??!!!  Crap.   I was confident I had him in the palm of my little hand with my Ace high club, then he full-housed my ass…what?!!  YOU??!!  No, seriously.  You’ve played this before, huh? Ugh… Coach was nice enough to pat my shoulder and say ‘there-there’ and not say ‘Idiot, Ray Charles could have seen that one coming’.  Yeah.  To my credit, I didn’t get humiliated only once.  I allowed it to happen a second time which took me right out of the damned game.  I love poker.

The game went on quite long before someone was declared as the first loser.  I think Mrs. Jacked got a prize for that.  I was second out since Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse found it necessary to call my ‘all-in’ and win it with 4 fives.  WHO HAS FOUR OF A KIND??!!  KS, that’s who with four Aces (in a totally different hand that has nothing to do with this mini-rant over Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse) Yet, sadly she didn’t win.

Several glasses of wine later, the four aces happened….a little scant on the details, but I was still stinging from the ass-burning I just took.…I think KS was hiding one of those Aces down her top.  Mr. Frankie was seated next to her and with all the references to his new cat and how was he getting along with his new puss-???   So many jokes, so little time.  He barely cracked a smile!   He was playing cagey, that one.  Yet, sadly he didn’t win.

Miss H was holding her own against the Biggest- Loser -Ever -Turned -Gagillionaire -Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse, eventually having people folding all around her.  It gets a little fuzzy at this point until we hear that Nurse Betty, who is seated at the Kids table (wait, what?) who reportedly HATES to play poker, would rather catheterize a thousand pound gorilla than play, GOT THE BEST HAND EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, as documented below.  A straight royal flush.  Fucking amazing.   Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

lisa

As for the Kids table, we were all amazed that Bestie was not the first, second or third out…After that, who the fuck knows? Frankie managed to make it to the Final table and frankly, Frankie, can I call you Frank?  That’s all that matters.  THE FINAL TABLE.  Yet, sadly, she didn’t win.

All I know is that I was seated deftly at the Loser table with Mr. Jacked (sadly, also a loser) , Birthday Girl ( I was secretly rooting for you ), Mrs. Jacked (a previous champ) and….it escapes me. Memorable You. Us losers…that’s all I know.  With a bottle of wine as the big prize, I was going for it…and lost again.  I rock!  Birthday Girl won the Loser trophy bottle of wine which she so graciously shared with us DH ladies the next evening…you didn’t think we were going to cancel a perfectly good eat and drink night just because we had a perfectly good eat and drink night, the night before when we kept KS up past her usual bedtime of 9:30pm and trudged on home at 2:30am, did you?  Wimps!

At the Winnahs table, everybody was battling it out for the big prize..the cash and the bragging rights to claiming SLS Couples Poker Champ!  I have no clue how it went down, but by all accounts, Mr. Toyota/Uncle Jesse  lost all his chips bit-by-bit to Miss H, who incidentally took out her Hubby Mr. Bing ( WITH A PAIR OF DEUCES)  and EVERYBODY ELSE AT THE TABLE!!  Dats right.  Miss H was the Winnah!!!!   If you guessed Miss H, than you are more awesome than even I give you credit for.  Rock on!

Miss H...SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Miss H…SLS Couples Poker Champion 2013

Congrats to Miss H and now you join the ranks of the few, the proud, the SLS COUPLES POKER CHAMPS!!

I hope you enjoyed this installment of SLS Couples Poker run-down.  Next time, I’ll try to stay sober enough to report on actual events at the opposite table.  Dammit, Jim I can’t be everywhere!  Ugh….

The Sentimentality Of A Turnip

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D2 Kindergarten grad

D2 Kindergarten grad

That’s what popped into my head today.  That and the entire lyrics to “I’m Not Afraid” by Eminem.  I think they both have stuff in common…I’m not about to go into an in-depth analysis of the song, but aside from the copious amounts of swearing (which is always near and dear to ma heart), the song talks about getting his life back together, and becoming clean….yaddah, yaddah, yaddah….yeah, whatevs.  I’m not sure why it mysteriously came flowing into my mind today.  I’m not currently strung out on meth or battling my inane addiction to vicks vapo rub or eating copious quantities of laundry detergent that I need some rapper dude to sing this in hopes it will turn my wayward behavior into more appropriately streamlined society-approved activities.  ‘Cause we all know the power of a song.  Remember Elton’s Crocodile Rock?  Sent a myriad of teens out wading around croc-infested waters seeing if those suckers would dance.  Crazy teenagers.   Left a whole population limbless and wondering what could have possibly gone wrong?  Yeah.  Back off the demon music, kids.  The Devil wants you all dancing his evil dance and drinking his purple koolaid.

The sentimentality part is just how some people are not capable of articulating their emotions adequately enough so those of us around these “emotional fuckwits” are left thinking the above phrase: “They have the sentimentality of a turnip”.  Sufficient summation in my opinion.  I came to this conclusion today when I remembered Miss H saying to me at a gathering a couple of weeks ago she became overwhelmed with emotion that her youngest daughter , who once would only wear a dress, is now growing up and leaving the dressy-dresses behind.  Miss H was sad that the little one was growing up….that’s when the thought of a family member, whom at one time scoffed at mothers who cried when their kids went off to school for the first time; that’s when I came up with the “sentimentality of a turnip”.  Perhaps she (family member, not Miss H) was suffering from the turnip disease and needed to release her inner sentimental emotional side for us peeps to see.  Perhaps she just wasn’t in tune with the rest of us estrogen laden mothers who hated to see the little ones grow up so fast, which means we in turn are getting older.  Maybe we want to hold on to their little hands a little bit longer so we can remember what it’s like to be five and seeing the big wide world for the first time. Maybe we want to be able to dress the little girls in dresses a bit more before they opt for the short skirts or holy jeans or *gasp* the Goth look! Maybe we want our little boys to marvel at how much we are a heap of mysterious information that only Mommies know like how to make the perfect PB &J sandwich and how to make his blanket smell better.  Or maybe we just like to be called Mommy a little bit longer. Maybe.  Not that it’s happened to me personally.  Not that I’ve been thinking all of that since D2 has her prom dress ready and proudly hanging on her closet door for her soon to be grad celebrations.  Not that I have been lamenting my older age, my lack of babies around the ‘hood and how fast everybody seems to be flying through life.  Not that that’s happening to me.  I’m just putting it out there for the other peeps who may be suffering in silence and hide behind the old turnip disease instead of shedding a tear or making a comment.  I’m putting myself out into the wide world so that the others can step forward and say ‘yeah, I cried when my youngest no longer needed his pacifier, or yeah I was sad when I had to give away the majority of Barbie and her Summer home to the Goodwill.  I was sad when Bob the Builder toy work bench no longer suited my son’s play time.  He’s opted for Black Ops instead.”  Yeah…I hear ‘ya.  But, sometimes a little emotion just reminds the rest of us mortals that you too are human.   Just sayin’……

Hollering You Home

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The last visit I had with my mom, I made her clothes shopping with me.  Which she hated. Not just because she didn’t like wearing anything besides pajamas, but because I made her wear shoes.  She hated wearing shoes.  I guess her slippers were far more comfortable and she found shoes so constrictive.  I refused to allow her to go out in public with slippers on her feet, instead insisting on her donning her running shoes.  She complained and had she been the type of woman who swore, I’m sure  I would have heard a few expletives that day directed solely in my direction, but she complied to my request nonetheless.

I managed to get her out to the Thames Lea Mall with her shoes on and secured in her wheelchair.  I think we were out ten minutes before she began asking when we were going to eat.  That made my shopping job a little easier since now I could use lunch as a reward.  After I told her we would be eating as soon as the shopping was completed, we had new pajamas, underwear, slippers and a couple of tops in our cart in under a half an hour.  Food was definitely one of her greatest joys.  Of course, once we sat down, ordered and the food arrived, she would take two bites and declare she was full.

If she required other clothes, I would go alone and proudly show her the purchases upon my return, only to hear “I don’t wear that colour” and “What is THAT?!”  She would reluctantly have them labeled and put into her closet and I’m not sure she ever wore her new clothes, but she humored me enough to make me think she may wear them eventually.

Mom was stubborn and proud.  She had definite likes and dislikes and let you know what those were.  She craved being alone and was determined in her resolve to remain as independent as possible.  She loved her family, respected others’ opinions and always had a quick smile or witty remark ready.  Even when she was in pain and was having a rough day, she continued to tease the nurses and the doctors with sarcastic retorts to their frequent apologies and expressions to remorse for her situation.  Mom was more concerned with how everyone around her was feeling than she was about herself.  She neither asked for assistance nor insisted on anyone’s participation in her care.  She expected those around her to remain dedicated to their families, to be good to those around them and to gain fulfillment through goodness and abundant expressions of love.

I was reminded when speaking with Keith about when we were younger and played outside, Mom would holler to us to come home from the park for dinner.  When I was sitting with her at the hospital one afternoon and the pain was evident and her body was itchy and irritated from the morphine, she exclaimed that everyone was hollering.  I knew then that the angels were hollering her home, just as she had done with us.

Although we are sad today that Mom has left us physically, her spirit remains active in our hearts and her memory will not fade from our minds.  Be comforted in the knowledge that she was a dedicated mother, a trusted friend and a sister to all the women in her life.  She is with God and loved ones now, happy to have moved on and happy to have been hollered home at last.

Margaret Josephine

April 7 1929 – March 2 2012  RIP

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A Fantastic Craptastical Friday

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Friday squirrel

It’s Friday, finally and I have to say I’ve had a pretty decent week…considering I don’t remember most of it.   I’d say I’ve done awesome.

Let’s do a recap of events for those of you who desperately need to know how I exist on the planet without daily doses of sunshine and unicorns…or for those of you who mildly care and have nothing else better to do…or simply for those of you who don’t give a shit but are here reading this lame excuse for a post for God knows what reason.

Monday:  Weather:  Snow showers, cloudy, craptastic

Dragged my ass into the-place-that-shall-not-be-named after a night of Oscars and DH ladies, too much wine and food.  I missed the whole Jennifer falling on her face event, but took great joy in Seth McFarland who reminded us DH ladies a little too much of Donny Osmond…before he spoke.  Fave Song:  We Saw Your Boobs

Tuesday:  Weather:  Snow showers, sun, craptastic

An uneventful day, but seeing as it was pay day, I was pretty stoked…until I got home and realized that we had little food and all ma funds were for paying bills and repaying children’s piggy banks.  Ugh…

Wednesday:  Weather:  Cloudy, windy, snow showers, craptastic

Another winner of a day with the puppy pooping incessantly on the carpet, the kids running amok due to hunger pains and family notifying us of their impending visit.  Yay.  Grocery shopping ensues in blizzard type conditions, forcing me to clean off the car before and after said shopping, almost ploughing into the back of a van going less than the speed of a snail where I hear ma phone ringing which I ignore, then finally answer , only to hear daughter lamenting she needs the car NOW to which I promptly hang up on her, only  to arrive home and throw down the grocery bags in dramatic pre-menopausal fashion  and exclaim “I Fucking hate winter!!”  Ugh…

Thursday:  Weather:  Freezing rain, windy, cold, craptastic

The day before Friday.  Lots of chocolate is consumed, laughter ensues, a casual evening cooking and preparing a slow cooker meal for the next day which NEVER happens but guilt is an amazing thing, ain’t it?   followed by a glass of wine and TV.  Yay.

Friday:  Weather: Freezing rain, windy, fucking cold, craptastic.

Donned my fave sweatpants since students are leaving the building in hordes in preparation for their week long vacay from academia and I felt like a comfy day was in order.   Ordered out for lunch with the ‘girls’, read some of blogs like this one and this one.  Even participated in the Twitter universe for a change…I’m getting there, don’t rush me.

There. A Fantastical Craptastical week in summation.  I know.  I can’t wait for the weekend.  Maybe a celeb will fall down the stairs again and I’ll actually get to see it this time!  One can only hope…..

Thoughts

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I was so desperate for a subject to post today I went searching on Google for writing topics.  I began reading down a list until I realized they were grouped into categories of grades.  Grade 1 topics were those of picnics, favorite zoo animals, my bestest friend;  then there were Grade 2 topics that had to do with my family, the best thing to do at recess, and so on.  I kinda liked the topics from Grade 1 the best…not sure what that says about me.  So tomorrow’s topic should be titled ‘Zebras, The Misunderstood Zoo Animal”.  Bound to be an engaging and stimulating topic.  Maybe I’ll color a picture and post that too!

Inadvertently, while searching for topics I decided to do some family tree hunting. Funny how the topic of zoo animals prompted thoughts about my family.  Oh, yeah.  Live inside my head for a while…Anyway, researching dead family members is probs not the thing to do without oodles of time and energy and cash in your wallet.  Holy Crap, I thought Ancestry.com was supposed to be a free service.  It’s only free as far as entering your name.  Everything else seems to be a pay-per-view service.  Dammit, Jim I don’t have that kind of power!  Pay to see obits and death certificates and census reports?  Hmmm…let me think.  Uh, no.  No thanks.  As wonderfully dry as that sounds, I think I’ll move on to something with a little more juice in its container…. Cartoon videos?!  Yee-haw!!!

I’ve not visited my Twitter account in weeks, but somehow I still get new followers.  Are they following me because they think I’m awesome and just the quiet type?  Or are they following me because they think they’ll get a ‘follow’ back?  Or is it my winning smile and effervescent personality??  Hmmm….they must think that I’m following them back.  How can they tell my personality from a few random tweets? I should shake them up a bit and tweet “Yo, assholes.  What up ma homies?  Y’all givin’ me ‘noia to the most. Stay outta ma ‘hood, yo.  Word”  Yeah.  That’s the essence of my personality right there.  That should bring on a whole new group of followers who should NOT be on twitter…or any other form of social media….

In the meantime, I’m practicing my drawing and coloring for the zoo animal topic.  What do you think so far?

zoo animal

Yeah.  I’m practically awesome.