Emergent Truth….It Really Has Nothing to Do With This Post, But I Like the Phrase So I’m Using It, Dammit.

 

With the changing seasons, I like to review and take stock in what I’ve accomplished or completely fucked up during the past few months, just so I can kick myself or congratulate myself…depending upon, of course, the previous months’ activities. So far, in my list that I have drawn up in my head, I have both accomplished a few things and totally created an abyss of crap, so really…I can pat myself on the back while simultaneously kicking myself in the ass. Awesome.  

Ugh.

Physically, I’ve done well. Hubby and I have completely overhauled our eating habits and done away with processed foods and added sugar. We still have our days where we eat crap, but they are few and far between. We’ve both lost between 20-25 pounds each and walk around the lake a few times a week now that the weather is cooperating. I’m still going to bootcamp 3 days a week and have added a bit of running a couple of days just to see if my 95 year-old hip can take it. So far, it’s not complaining too much. Most days I can even walk straight! Yay! I’ve noticed I can lift heavier weights, do better push-ups and not fall down into a complete mess when doing a box jump. All improvements. I still can’t do chin-ups, pull-ups, and walk on ice without falling or sliding under cars, but one can’t expect to do it all…right?  


With age, comes tests and more tests to make sure you’re in tip top working condition. I sound like a mechanic looking under the hood of a car, but that’s how it feels. Bloodwork, xrays, ultrasounds, MRI’s, scan this, test that…ugh, it gets exhausting. Some of these ‘tests’ are invasive and overly tactile. I had an ‘internal ultrasound’ yesterday that I was NOT PREPARED FOR. The woman technician was trying to be really nice and understanding, but already admitted that she had not had one done herself , but WAS TOLD IT WASN’T THAT BAD. In response, I very sweetly said ‘oh, okay’ but my head was screaming WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK LADY, I’M NOT HAVING THAT WAND STUCK UP MY HOO-HA SO YOU CAN TAKE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE FOR! GEEZ, AT LEAST BUY ME DINNER FIRST. HEY, IF I SEE THESE PICS ON FACEBOOK SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY! That was in my head. The whole time. Not kidding. Then she was pointing out how she saw my ovaries “oh, there’s the right one. It was a bit hard to see. *giggle*” (me: * fuck off* I get a bit sweary WHERE THERE’S A GLOWING WAND INSIDE MY HOO-HA AND SOMEONE IS LAUGHING AT ME) Then, I hear her sweetly saying “okay, now just a bit of pressure” and you know when someone says ‘pressure’ they mean ‘I’m pushing as hard as I can to get a good look at that unmentionable stuff that no one talks about so don’t be such a big baby, will ya?’  

Being a woman is terribly humiliating.  

And getting older can suck.

Then I went back to work and totally felt violated and needed consoling, so I had a wrap and a diet coke…but I HAD TO PAY SO REALLY, IT WAS A SUCKY DATE.  

THANKS TECHNICIAN, LADY. I hope when you have your internal ultrasound, you have someone there to pat your hand and say supportive things like, ‘THERE, THERE. YOU SURVIVED YOU STRONG LOVELY WOMAN” And NOT giggle at the discovery of your elusive right ovary WHICH WAS PROBABLY HIDING FROM THE WEIRD ASS GLOW STICK RANDOMLY WANDERING AROUND IN THERE. AND also you won’t have to listen to shit like, “OH I HEAR IT’S NOT THAT BAD AND HOLD ON, JUST A BIT OF PRESSURE.”  

Ugh.  

 Here is a pic of a cute sloth. You. Are. Welcome. 

Oh Spring, Where Are You?!

Spring is around the corner! That usually implies spring cleaning, a sense of warmth and impending joy at the budding of trees and flowers. Birds chirping, the ground softening, the snow melting. A clearing out of the old winter boots and coats that have been literally hanging around causing clutter and weight. Spring is lighter and brighter and warmer, where winter’s early darkness and heavy skies laden with snow cause coldness to seep in to every pore and floorboard. We feel the need to shed the layers we buried ourselves in during the blanketing of snow and ice; we need to feel the sun’s warmth and the warm breeze hit our faces without freezing our noses off. It’s nice to free ourselves from the weight of winter and head into a lighter sense of blue skies and freedom. Ahh, Spring….WHERE ARE YOU?!


It’s been a long winter and waiting for any sign of a new season is like searching the ground for that valuable that was lost last year. Instinctively, you continue to search for any shimmer of that lost earring or last quarter. The hopeful straining just to see one little glint of hope of what just isn’t there. The snow is finally melting, but the chill in the air still reminds us we are on the edge of winter’s exit. It’s still hanging around for that last hurrah before heading out the door. Hurry up, already. Get ye away! I’ve stashed my boots to the abyss of the under the stairs storage; my winter coat is on its way to the cleaners. I have no want for any of these things anymore, but winter refuses to relent its freezing grasp. Spring is ringing the doorbell, but winter refuses to rise from the couch to answer the damn door.    

The past couple of days have been sunny, giving one a sense of warmth. Until the frosty air hits my face and I remember, IT’S STILL WINTER. Ugh. It snowed on Monday and the morning sun shone on the snow, making a perfect CHRISTMAS CARD moment. It was devastating and lovely at the same time. I’ve been wearing sleeveless tops in a desperate ploy to egg spring on and beat down that winter frost. I’m not sure it’s working. I’m just ending up being cold and downtrodden that my incessant need for warmer temps isn’t enticing enough for spring to rear its golden head.  

I guess I’ll just have to remain patient and steadfast in my belief that sooner or later spring will arrive and my penchant for sleeveless tops and lighter jackets will be rewarded. In the meantime, I’ll sit over here with my blankie and coffee, the heater jacked up to ‘HOLY FUCK HOW COLD ARE YOU ANYWAYS’ temperature, and stare out at the sky waiting for a glimpse of more sun.

Stay warm, peeps….