Tag Archives: Top Ten List

Top Ten Ways to Respond to Shitty People

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Let’s face it, not all people are nice or enjoyable to be around. There are times when you are simply going about your business, and someone will come along and try to ruin your perfectly decent day. “Oh, I wouldn’t do it that way,” or “Did you know that putting that there would not please the boss?’ Like no, Debby I had no fucking clue because the BOSS ISN’T EVEN HERE AND WHY DO YOU CARE?  Some folks just can’t help themselves but to make your business, their business. To say that one thing that they know will get under your skin. Here are some helpful tips to put those Nosey Nellies in their places. I hope you can put them to good use.

10. It’s The Way I Was Taught – Beginning any new job, or simply doing the job you’ve been doing for the past twenty years comes with peeps who think they can do it better. When Karen comes along and claims you did something wrong, simply tell her you were taught a new way to do it. Your method is more modern and keeping up with industry standards and maybe she should investigate taking a refresher course because obviously, her method is outdated. And send her along her merry way. You can then send her links to online courses that you didn’t do, but said you did, then she will feel the need to do them. She’ll be occupied for weeks!

9. I Don’t Know What You Are Talking About – Clearly stupefied by the nonsense that is emanating from Doubtful Debby’s mouth, you play the dumb card and simply shrug your shoulders and say, “What report? I did mine last week. Maybe you should go work on yours.” You’re being helpful without outwardly telling her to fuck-off. So kind.

8. Did You Know That Jimmy Buffet Died? – Changing the subject from you to something newsworthy and way more interesting than how you fucked up the last meeting, is a great distracter. A misdirection into some murky gossipy crap you read on the internet will surely illicit a response and take away the attention on you. Well done. And Jimmy Buffet did die, and you need to go play Margaritaville on repeat while drinking a margarita because that’s the only way to honour his memory.

Cheers, Jimmy

7. I Read it Somewhere – A great indifferent statement that’s vague enough to almost hold weight without clearly identifying a source. The answer to everything. Karen will nod and say, “Yeah, where?” to which you respond with, “The Wall Street Journal,” because nobody under the age of seventy reads that shit.  It’s an old journal that only certain business types will even think about being seen with. If she thought you read it there, it’s over her head and she won’t bother to look it up. And if she does, it will take hours of her searching to find it since it doesn’t exist in the first place. A win-win since she’s kept busy doing something stupid, and you get her out of your hair. See? Helpful.

6. Are You Sure You Don’t Remember? – Attacking the innocent seems to be the modus operandi of some individuals. They need to see the meek squirm in their seats while interrogating them to feel superior. They have a self-loathing that only comes from deep-rooted childhood trauma like being picked last for a team in gym class. Put the onus back on the perpetrator of your torture and question their mental faculties. Gaslighting them into thinking they’ve talked about this before like, “Are you sure you don’t remember? We went over this last week. I think you should sit down. Maybe you don’t feel well. You look a little pale.” The power of suggestion will have them feeling their foreheads for fever and thinking they’re about to pass out. Awesome.

5.  That’s Not Your Job – Not a favourite reply of mine, but sometimes people need to be reminded of how limited their reach is. Karen thinks she runs the place, but really, she’s just a control freak with power issues and wants to tell everyone what to do. That’s not your job, Karen. If Karen is the boss, then you are entitled to ponder whether it’s harassment in the workplace to which there are policies in place to protect you. Or there should be. When all else fails, walk out of the room. They can’t speak to you if you’re not there. It’s not running away when you are protecting your well-being.

Buh-Bye

4. Kill Them with Kindness – THEY WILL HATE THAT. Their whole purpose was to bother you and if they see you in a happy-go-lucky mood where you compliment their attire or hair or their accent, or even their crappy shoes you are winning. They will stutter and try another tactic of insulting a project you worked on or even stooping so low as to bring up your kid’s bad behaviour at the restaurant the other night, but don’t let them have the satisfaction. Throw back a, “You’re right, he was acting like an asshole, but we got it under control. By the way, you are rocking that cardigan sweater!” They’ll be shaking their head and wondering why they even bother trying to wreck your day.

3. Baffle Them with Bullshit – The absolute best answer is no answer at all. Like, ever. Debby wants to know why you don’t manage your office like Perfect Patty, or why the report you submitted was late. “Well, Debby do you remember the other day when Jimmy Buffet died, and we had that little gathering in the break room with cake? Oh, my bad, you weren’t invited. Ok, so the other day, Linda wanted to know how to re-attach a chain on her kid’s bike, but the internet was down so then we had to actually do a Pictionary kind of deal with diagrams and charts. It was a thing. Really took up the afternoon after the Buffet cake-episode. People cried and everything. So, it didn’t get the attention it deserved. But maybe we can discuss the effects of micro-managing over coffee where you stop bothering me about shit that doesn’t matter, and we can get on with the important stuff like life. Thanks.”

2. Thank Them for Their Interest in Your Life – They really don’t want the details of your life; they just want you to know they are hovering over you like an annoying housefly you can’t kill. So, give them want they want. Attention. Gratitude. And pile it on.  “Oh, thanks for asking, no I really don’t have time for that, but do you know what my baby did last night? She projectile vomited all over the bed! Such an ordeal. I have pictures, look! Vomit EVERYWHERE!”  or “The dog had diarrhea last night and pooped all over the main floor. We spent hours cleaning that up. Want to see the pictures? Jesus, it was so BAD.”  And ask if they want to participate, like, “My son is having a fundraiser for hockey, and we need volunteers to sit in the cold arena for four hours to sell tickets nobody wants for shit nobody needs. Can I put you down for Saturday morning?” They’ll be too busy to bother with your vomiting kids, incontinent pets, and hockey fundraisers. The. Best.

1. Be the Better Person – I know, it’s not easy taking the high road when someone just tried to drag you down to the dirt but there’s always a reason why a person is shitty. Bad day, bad week, bad life. Trauma plays a big part in how people treat others. You could be on the receiving end of their outrage even if it’s not entirely about you. You don’t have to take their rudeness, but you can choose to be the better person. “I hear what you’re saying, but it’s not my problem. I’m sure we can figure this out, but you will need to tell me more on how I can help you.” Offering help is the one solution they were not counting on. They wanted to vent. Or they wanted to blame someone. Defend yourself, stand your ground but do it in a quiet gentle way. No need to retaliate with rudeness, retaliate with assistance. “You will need to stop being rude. I can help.” Or “If you approach me like that again, I will have to leave.” They don’t want you to leave, they want to pick a fight, or they want attention. Call attention to their rudeness, their abrasive words and turn it around. It may shock them into a more appropriate response. If not, you have every right to tell them to fuck-off and move on. Only after you’ve exhausted being nice and helping. The middle finger is reserved for those who are beyond reaching and who are too far gone to give your precious time.

I hope these tips come in handy the next time someone is being a shithead to you.

Stay kind. Be Positive. Drink Wine.

The End.

Top Ten Shitty Things I Did Last Week

Posted in Doggie Diaries, Top Ten by

I’m not sure if I accomplished anything worthwhile besides trying to convince Hubby he should start packing for our trip. We leave in a week. He’s still trying to decide what to wear. And to complicate matters, we are only packing a carry on. For a two-week vacation. Aside from that, I think I managed to clean the main floor of the house and do a half-assed job at making one dinner, but I think I’ll run down my week, if for no other reason, to make you feel better about yourself. Because even if you got out of bed without hurting yourself or disturbing the dog, you had a banner week! Go you!

10. I drank a lot on Friday night in front of company who have never seen me drunk before and now I think I’ve scared them off. Or at least, had them rethinking their options to be in my company for future drinking. I may send them a greeting card apologizing for my ill-timed nodding off and pretending I wasn’t drunk. Is there a card for that? I need a card for that.

9. I took credit for fixing the dog. She had a red swollen mass develop inside her eye. After much debating and Google-ing and asking our breeder’s opinion, we concluded she had cherry eye. Mags is 10 years old, and those things don’t happen in older dogs. Breeder Lady told me how to massage the eye in hopes the mass would pop back into place. (it’s referred to as their third eye and can pop out when poked or injured. Or for no good reason at all, like it feels like making an appearance so go ahead and deal with it, bitch) After massaging the area for a few times on Saturday, we awoke Sunday to find Mags back to normal. For Mags, ‘normal’ is up for debate. I’m taking credit for her return to her original state. And for not panic-dialing the vet and sobbing on the phone that my dog was deformed by an unknown entity.

8. I went shopping with Hubby multiple times only for him to debate the return of all the new clothes to which I eye-rolled. I also witnessed the trying on of every article of clothing he owned to decide if they were worthy of vacation space and drawer space. He ended up culling drawers and forming multiple piles of clothes of which are to be further determined where they should go. A truly enjoyable experience akin to stabbing oneself in the eyes with cocktail forks. Okay, that’s a little over-the-top even for me, but I’ve had better experiences in line at a grocery store. A really long line. Like back to the back of the store line, where someone is still trying to pay with nickels and forgot to pick up the salad dressing, so the cashier makes a pithy call to the stock kid to go find it, to discover that it has sold out, so now there is only the crappy kind left. That line.  

7. I tried to feign my way out of saying I didn’t know something when really, I did know and when asked repeatedly if I knew, I tried to keep up the good fight and say, ‘of course I don’t know!’ until I caved and spilled my guts and confessed, and then it got awkward. Until it didn’t. And the thing I knew was a good thing, but I wasn’t supposed to know the thing, but now I think everyone knows the thing, so now everyone is happy to know. You know?

6. Son requested I send pictures of him when he was young and in hockey. Hubby found some and I got into seeing his face when he was little and then I lamented how fast everyone has grown up and how old I am, which then led to remembering I am a grandmother and then I wanted to day drink. But I resisted and had coffee in my Best Grandmother Ever mug and I felt better.

5. I went to the dentist to have a cleaning, only I couldn’t because I had a hip replacement seven months ago and needed to take antibiotics before having any dental procedure. This information would have been advantageous to know before hijacking daughter to drive me there and back and then to work. Son had the car this week and I’m SOL for independently arriving to appointments and trivial things like work, so payback is awesome when Mommy needs to go to the liquor store at 9am to buy wine!  Drive Daughter, drive!

4. I work in an environment where being quiet is paramount. I had students testing last week and decided I needed lunch. I was returning from heating my soup when I opened the door so expertly stealth, I even surprised myself.  I was congratulating myself on my silent manoeuvres when I dropped a glass jar, sending it crashing against the door causing a loud bang to which I laughed out loud and slammed the door. The soup survived. The students were alerted to my awkward entrance. There. Perfect.

3. Apparently, there was a big hockey game on Saturday night, and it was a nail biter and exciting, except I slept through the entire thing and even when Hubby tried to wake me up to tell me how great it was, I nodded and went back to sleep. I wonder if this is how it will be when a big event suddenly happens like the world is set to explode or a big sale happens at Marshall’s. I’ll say, “yeah, yeah, I’m sleeping here,” and miss the whole thing. Maybe I need an alarm clock that can tell me when I’m missing a big event and slap me into consciousness. Don’t let me sleep through the big Marshall’s sale, please.

2. I’ve been trying to decide what to wear on the plane. Everyone is saying to dress comfortably, but for me that’s sweatpants, a hoodie, and my hair in a ponytail. I don’t think that will cut it going to Europe. Pajama pants? If they’re pretty? Ah, if only I could wear that and my slippers it would take the word ‘comfortable’ to a whole new level. I could take a squish-mallow and my eye mask. A blankie? Ugh. I guess I’ll wear pants.

1. Before Mags came down with an eye from the Zombies of the Apocalypse, I referred to her as an asshole a couple of times. Then when her eyeball looked like it grew a twin, I felt guilty, and that the Universe was punishing me for calling my companion an asshole. She is the one thing in the house with a heartbeat who lives to see me walk through the door and who doesn’t criticize my cooking. And who tolerates my ridiculous need to put a book in front of my face instead of rubbing her belly, like a proper human should. But, in my defense, she was barking at the other dogs in the ‘hood for no good reason. And then promptly shit all over the floor. Asshole. Face it, she was embarrassing the family and I was forced to call her out on it. Now that she has recovered, I feel less like an asshole myself and more like the loving companion she deserves.

Until tomorrow when she barks at the neighbours and shits on the floor. Asshole.

A recovered Mags. Her eye twin has retreated, until I call her an asshole again. Ugh.

Top Ten Tips for a Happy 2021

Posted in Misguided Musings, Top Ten by

With the uptick in COVID-19 cases in our province and the heightened alert of everyone regarding isolations, I think it necessary to concentrate on what we can control. We can control our behaviours, ie, wear a mask and wash our hands. We can also control how we react to situations, ie, restraining the urge to gossip about how cases evolved or how someone was irresponsible with lax protocols. We can also choose to remain positive and upbeat, and maybe spread a smile instead of a virus.

In the spirit of maintaining sanity and spreading joy not disease, I’ve concocted a Top 10 list to lighten your spirit. Or make you drink. Either way, it is a real mood enhancer. Enjoy!

 Now go wash your hands!

Top 10 Tips for a Happy 2021

10.  Last year is so last year – Resist the urge to look into the rear-view mirror with horror-stricken eyes on a year that dragged its ass into your world and ate your last donut. Instead, look ahead to all the possibilities that are laying at your feet. “What, a new brand of wine? How nice!” See?  POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

9. You don’t have to visit family, unless you want to – “Uh, I can’t come over, Aunt Martha.  COVID, remember?” Sometimes, it’s better to stay away from family. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that. Maybe Aunt Martha was nasty to you one too many times, so visiting her can be off the table with no guilt. A GIFT FROM THE UNIVERSE.

8. Outside doesn’t have to be scary- Even in the grips of winter, the outdoors can trigger all kinds of good feelings. Go for a walk in the woods, (not in the creepy woods, but in the nice bright ones with sunshine) snowshoeing (Hubby bought us both a pair to try. Should be interesting) or take the doggo out for a trot. The fresh air will do wonders for your body and your mood. You won’t act like such a twatsicle when someone asks you a simple question, if you’ve just spent half an hour laughing at your neighbour for falling on her ass in the snow. See? I’m helpful.

7.  You can choose to tell, ‘Dry January and February and every other month’ to Fuck-off – It seems to be all the rage, now. People are posting about not drinking for the next few months because everyone consumed copious quantities of alcohol during the initial COVID lockdown and thereafter, BECAUSE IT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP LIVING.  STOP THE MADNESS. We are still in a pandemic and while I applaud the do-gooders who are keeping themselves ‘dry’ for a cause or just for themselves, I am choosing to drink my face off. I’ll be posting my weekly posts about how much wine I consumed on the weekend. I’m helping to keep the liquor stores stocked and the wine prices lowered while the rest of you ‘dryers’ are abstaining now, so when you do return to drinking, there’s not a shortage. Can you imagine if everyone stopped drinking? The liquor stores would stop ordering supplies, because of lack of sales. People will be laid off. The public would resort to standing outside the liquor stores wondering where all the wine went and why the shelves remain empty. They’ll be brandishing cocktail forks and little paper umbrellas protesting the government and their lack of response to a dire situation…I JUST SAVED ALL OF THAT FROM HAPPENING BECAUSE I KEPT DRINKING. YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

6.  Try something new – It can be a new hobby, a new tv show, a new movie, a new hairstyle, a new spouse…I kid. I kid.  A little bit of change can make a big difference, so embrace the time to try something you’ve always wanted to try. Paint, draw, write, dance; something that’s different and maybe challenges you. I’m going to try drunk snowshoeing. See? Add alcohol and ANYTHING can be fun. See #5.

5. Redecorate – I’m talking rooms in a house, here. I redecorated the front room of our house and although it was a lot of work, it’s one of my favourite places to hang out, now. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, Hubby has decided to take it one step further by redoing all the floors in all 3 bedrooms on the second floor. With hardwood. Meaning he is responsible for tearing up the carpet, because he wanted to even though SOMEBODY told him not to.  Yay. So, he’ll be tearing up carpet and I’ll be drinking because nothing says, ‘support for Hubby in his new endeavour’ like a wife standing by with a full glass of wine repeatedly reminding him, “I told you not to do that by yourself.”  So much fun!

4. Rest – Sometimes, just taking a day to sit and watch the snow fall or watch a mindless tv program can ease your brain and give yourself a much-needed break. No need to work endlessly or try to keep yourself too busy. There’s such a thing as burning out and you do not need to be everything to everyone all the time. Take it easy. *sip, sip*

3.  Get some exercise – I’m not talking about a marathon or the World Body Building Championship, just move a bit. Go for a walk, take in a yoga class or something to get your heart rate up. You will be surprised how much better your feel afterwards…and, you will have burned enough energy to have that glass of wine. Or five. It’s all about balance, people.

2. Clean up – It’s a large task and one that I abhor. It’s time-consuming and tedious, however, decluttering has advantages beyond a tidy house. The process of purging gives you a sense of purpose. You have a task that keeps you focused on the activity of improving your space. AND, what you decide to toss may still be appropriate for donation. Check with your local Salvation Army or Diabetes Association for their guidelines during COVID. You could be making a big difference in someone else’s life, not just your own.

1. Choose to be happy – I read this somewhere and there’s elegance in its simplicity. You can choose to be happy instead of lamenting the situation you find yourself in. You can choose to smile instead of frowning your way through the day. You can choose to lift someone up with a positive word or a kind gesture instead of begrudging her. It’s simple. And it doesn’t cost anything. A win-win all around.

Those are the tips to keep your spirits up and your mood in-check. When in doubt, there’s wine.

Always.

Stay safe and stay healthy,

KJ xo

Top Ten Ways Busy Moms  Can Carve Out Some Precious ‘Me’ Time

Posted in Misguided Musings, Pessimistic Parenting, Top Ten by

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New moms, toddler moms, moms with tweens, teens, young adults and even moms with baby hippos, finding time for oneself in a non-stop kid-infested world can be downright challenging if not impossible.  There is always SOMETHING that NEEDS our attention or SOMEONE who desperately NEEDS our help.  OH MY GAWD, MOM WE RAN OUT OF TUNA.  You know, that kind of drama is just a pimple on the face of a pre-pubescent girl in the world of scenarios.  Being a SuperMom is downright exhausting!

Feeling the pressure?  Especially with the start of a new school year which brings fundraisers, bake sales, the ever popular candy bar sales and of course, who can forget EVERY SINGLE ACTIVITY IN THE WORLD IN THE HISTORY OF EVER BEING HELD ALL ON THE SAME NIGHT.

Been there, done that.

Now that my kids are no longer ‘kids’ I’ve had the luxury of sitting back and taking stock of all the madness that was their childhoods.  Here are some of my fave ways of regaining some sanity,  taking some breathing room and really just savouring a few minutes for that much needed break.  I mean wine.  Much needed wine.

Ask for help – For God’s sake woman, you do not need to rule the world all in one day. Ask Hubby/ spouse/significant other/pet llama to pull some weight and help take one of the little darlings to dance class or gymnastics or cyber crime unit day, or whatever it is those young kids do nowadays.  Remember the old ‘take turns’ you learned in Kindergarten?  Yeah, that still applies.  There is no shame in asking somebody you trust to get Kid A to Place A so you can sit down and have a glass of wine.  NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT STATEMENT.  Do we have to review the whole labour/delivery thing?  Okay….

Read a Book – Remember those? They have covers and pages and words that are not accompanied by little bunnies rolling down hills. They have actual words bigger than ‘the’.  You are able to read said book whilst child is swimming, dueling, wrestling, skating…etc.  You do not need to spend every waking minute watching your kid drown in the pool during swimming lessons.   THAT’S WHY THEY HAVE LIFEGUARDS.    Even if you read ONE SENTENCE, you will feel almost adult-like.  Amazing…

Sign up for some scheduled class- Fun Fact: There are adult classes to learn new and exciting things like yoga, or exercise, or spin class or vibrational cooking…whatever the hell you want! Schedule yourself on your mommy calendar just like you scheduled all of your kids’ activities. That way, you practically guarantee a space for you.  STICK TO IT AND DON’T GIVE IT UP OR YOU WILL DIE.  That’s how you have to approach it.  Your health, mental and physical, may depend on it.

Lunch Break Walk-  I admit this one is kinda lame, especially if you work at job where leaving is like an episode from Prison Break, but it does have its merits if you can swing it.  If you work outside the home, it’s probably one of the only times you get to adult so cling to that and hang out with the co-workers you like and invite her/him/them along.  Could be a fun half hour.  Or lame.  Totally lame.  Crap shoot, really.

Repeat this phrase: “No, that doesn’t work for me” – Seriously, you are allowed to say ‘no’ and not just to all of your offspring. I mean to other parents, especially the snooty moms who have all kinds of time on their hands and sit back and drink wine on their porches and bake REAL HOMEMADE ORGANIC PRESERVATIVE FREE COOKIES AT THE BAKSALES and don’t invite you to sit and drink because you’re too busy RUNNING AROUND CARTING ALL OF THEIR KIDS AND YOURS TO ACTIVITIES.   Yeah.  Stop that.  Practice being a ‘snooty mom’.  And baking is overrated.

Extricate yourself from the situation – Just totally remove yourself from being involved.  In anything.  Be involved with your child, but don’t feel you have to join all the PTA meetings and the council meetings or the Society For Being a Mom Organizational Association…thing.   Pick one committee in which you can participate without overstretching yourself and do that.  There is no rule anywhere saying you have to be involved in EVERY school function, committee, organization or whatever.  ONE THING.

Carpooling is your new best friend – It’s best when everyone can lend a hand and carpooling can be a lifesaver….when it’s not abused. Or your generosity is not taken advantage of.  Fair is fair so outline the rules going in with other parent(s) so everyone is on the same page.  Make sure Johnny is aware who is driving or picking up so he can expect Mr. Jones to be there and not Mrs. Lazynski who wears her hair funny and smells a bit ‘off’.

Chores – When the kiddos are in charge of their own shit, it takes on a whole new meaning. As moms, we tend to think that ‘taking care’ of the kids equates to doing everything for them.  Not so fast.  They need to take SOME responsibility for their stuff, so start doling out things they are capable of handling and EXPECT them to follow through.   For example, if Tuesdays are hockey practice give him/her the responsibility of having their bag packed with ALL of their gear and having it ready at the door by the expected time.  If they get to practice and something is missing – a natural and logical consequence would be to miss practice.  They HAVE to take responsibility for their shit at some point.  They won’t forget next time.  I SWEAR TO GAWD IF YOU GET IN THAT CAR AND DRIVE HOME TO GET THE MISSING GEAR AND THEN BACK TO THE RINK I WILL THROW A GLASS OF WINE AT YOU AND MAKE YOU LICK IT UP.  It’s only practice.  They’ll live.

Lie – Sometimes, in life telling the truth can be downright harmful to everyone’s health. Especially, yours.  In the interest of healthy lifestyles, lying comes in as one of the top things to do when you are desperately seeking wine time.   Oh, sure…don’t get on that high horse, you’ll get a nosebleed.  HOW DO YOU THINK THE SNOOTY MOMS GET TO SIT ON THEIR PORCHES.  That’s right.  That headache has suddenly reappeared and Johnny may have to miss ONE NIGHT of Judo.  The kid has been kicking his sister for years, I think he has that move down pat…

Alcohol? Why yes, please –  Basically, it’s all about the wine, so enjoy!  You’ve earned your glass so kick up your feet and indulge in a glass or five before somebody notices you can no longer drive.

That’s it.  Your list to freedom and some peace among the hectic, no holds barred world of kids, activities and school functions that make being a parent the joyous roller coaster ride it is…Good luck and may the wine be ever in your favour.