Tag Archives: DH ladies

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

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My lack of significant eye sight is becoming a challenge.  For all of us.   For instance, I misinterpret things I’ve read, I can’t quite make out a face in the distance and far too often I’m left squinting like Mr. Magoo.  I guess Father Time has decided to make me blind as a bat as well as physically uncoordinated and awkward in social situations.  Thanks for that.  That’s almost as awesome as having an allergic reaction to your allergy medication.   I’m thinking pretty soon I’m going to need a cane.  And a seeing eye-dog.   I walked out of Tim Hortons’ one day and I thought a sign on the door read Free WTF!  I LOVED THAT SIGN!!  I remember asking my husband if the Tim Horton’s company can legally put WTF!  on their doors without anybody complaining.  He looked at me a little weird until son spoke up and said, “No, mom.  IT SAYS FREE WiFi!!”  Ohhhhh….But I still wanted to try out the WTF sign on our front door, but Hubby wouldn’t go for it. I know, right?  Genius.  It would have been like, “WTF_________” fill in the blank, like “WTF are you here for?”; or “WTF is that shit on your head?”; or “WTF were you thinking knocking on my door without any bottles of wine in your hand?”  Yeah, all the missed opportunities are keeping me awake at night.  Or, when I thought D’s email wished Nurse Betty would ‘get some soon’ really she wished she would ‘be home soon’, or the time I thought my daughter’s text read ‘my ass is too boring’ when really it said ‘my dress is too long’ …I know.  Why would you think you have a boring ass?  Who told you that?  What are the qualifications of an exciting ass?  Is there a pass/fail grade curve the highschool put out on asses that I somehow missed?  I NEED THE WTF SIGN!!!

I just wrote the most awesome email to my friends detailing my week of trials and tribulations at work that at best can be described as The Eternal Fuck-Up.  Work, not the email.   It was an epic tale of good vs evil; right vs wrong; burger vs sandwich.  I wish you all could read it.  Jesus was even in there for a cameo.  Really, it was pretty damned good.  It’s a good thing they blithely look away after reading the shit with which I inundate their inboxes.  If no replies come rolling my way soon, I’ll have to send out warnings/threats of more emails to come that look more like spam and junk mail.  I’m shocked they haven’t blocked me or junked my stuff already.  Wait, maybe they have and I don’t know it yet.  Maybe they’ve all banned together like some little gangsta posse and decided to spam my ass behind my back, sorta like stabbing me in the face while I was sleeping.  Pfft….nah, they’re just waiting for a follow-up…I just know it….

Since this writing, most of my DH ladies have subsequently replied…they still love me…excuse me while I have a Sally Field moment….

My sign...notice the decorative heart and flowers...I think Hubby should rethink his position on this. It's awesome

My sign…notice the decorative heart and flowers…I think Hubby should rethink his position on this. It’s awesome

My Ode To Shamie and Why Is That Lady In A Cage?

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There’s a lady at Costco who works from a cage.  I shit you not.  It’s true and a little disturbing.  I was there last night getting propane for our barbeque that we probably won’t use until mid-July, and we had to pay her through cage in the Tire department.  I was going to snap a picture of her for you with my cell phone, but Hubby wouldn’t let me.  Something about it being too embarrassing or ‘inappropriate’…wait, what?  I want to take a picture of a lady in a cage and I’M the inappropriate one?!  THERE’S A LADY IN A CAGE.  I was going to make the statement that she was like Danny Devito on Taxi, but I think Hubby was a little put out by all the staring and pointing going on.  “She’s in a cage!  A fucking cage!  Do they feed you in there?”  I actually only said it in my head, because that’s where it belongs…apparently.

Yesterday, there was an email going around from my DH ladies regarding the impending festivities changing from Sunday night to Friday night.  I think my response was a little over-the-top with all the capital letters and exclamation points.  And the rambling on about nothing remotely to do with DH.  It’s funny, everybody’s reaction was the same.  Ignore her and move on.  Hilarious…I was expecting somebody to say something about my unusual response, but they all just accept my over-exuberance as part of my personality.  “Oh yeah that’s Rogue.  Let’s all be the mature ones…someone has to”   They’re great, aren’t they?  I’m planning to inundate their email boxes with more of my effervescent personality.  They’ll love it, I know.  I’m like the little sister who annoys everybody but they tolerate it because it’s kinda funny and a bit weird but really, they would all miss me if I suddenly died  or got run over by a truck or something.   At least I think so.

Bestie’s cat died yesterday.  It was very sad and she was terribly upset.  I felt awful for her and her girlies.  As sad as that event was, I was so close to saying inappropriate odes and writing cat eulogies.  How inappropriate is that?  I know, right?  Ugh…Here is my ode to Shamie (that’s the cat’s name, duh)

Shamie

Ode To Shamie

I saw you very little

But your presence was always known

By D’s daughter’s frightened expression

And your penchant for being alone.

Your fur was very fluffy

Your eyes remained bright and wide

You never appeared huffy

And you were always by Bestie’s side

Now you’ve gone to cat heaven

To play and frolic all through the night

Be happy dearest Shamie

You’re never far from their sight.

You were a badass in cat terms

That made the other cats jealous

You possessed cat charms

That made you appear a tad ‘over zealous’ *

Eventhough you suffered from depression

That made you seem ‘put-out’

You never let that stop you

From getting out and about.

That’s the best I could do…okay, not the BEST but I think it’s adequate. I hope you liked it.

RIP Shamie

*Let me see you rhyme a word with ‘jealous’.

A Fantastic Craptastical Friday

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Friday squirrel

It’s Friday, finally and I have to say I’ve had a pretty decent week…considering I don’t remember most of it.   I’d say I’ve done awesome.

Let’s do a recap of events for those of you who desperately need to know how I exist on the planet without daily doses of sunshine and unicorns…or for those of you who mildly care and have nothing else better to do…or simply for those of you who don’t give a shit but are here reading this lame excuse for a post for God knows what reason.

Monday:  Weather:  Snow showers, cloudy, craptastic

Dragged my ass into the-place-that-shall-not-be-named after a night of Oscars and DH ladies, too much wine and food.  I missed the whole Jennifer falling on her face event, but took great joy in Seth McFarland who reminded us DH ladies a little too much of Donny Osmond…before he spoke.  Fave Song:  We Saw Your Boobs

Tuesday:  Weather:  Snow showers, sun, craptastic

An uneventful day, but seeing as it was pay day, I was pretty stoked…until I got home and realized that we had little food and all ma funds were for paying bills and repaying children’s piggy banks.  Ugh…

Wednesday:  Weather:  Cloudy, windy, snow showers, craptastic

Another winner of a day with the puppy pooping incessantly on the carpet, the kids running amok due to hunger pains and family notifying us of their impending visit.  Yay.  Grocery shopping ensues in blizzard type conditions, forcing me to clean off the car before and after said shopping, almost ploughing into the back of a van going less than the speed of a snail where I hear ma phone ringing which I ignore, then finally answer , only to hear daughter lamenting she needs the car NOW to which I promptly hang up on her, only  to arrive home and throw down the grocery bags in dramatic pre-menopausal fashion  and exclaim “I Fucking hate winter!!”  Ugh…

Thursday:  Weather:  Freezing rain, windy, cold, craptastic

The day before Friday.  Lots of chocolate is consumed, laughter ensues, a casual evening cooking and preparing a slow cooker meal for the next day which NEVER happens but guilt is an amazing thing, ain’t it?   followed by a glass of wine and TV.  Yay.

Friday:  Weather: Freezing rain, windy, fucking cold, craptastic.

Donned my fave sweatpants since students are leaving the building in hordes in preparation for their week long vacay from academia and I felt like a comfy day was in order.   Ordered out for lunch with the ‘girls’, read some of blogs like this one and this one.  Even participated in the Twitter universe for a change…I’m getting there, don’t rush me.

There. A Fantastical Craptastical week in summation.  I know.  I can’t wait for the weekend.  Maybe a celeb will fall down the stairs again and I’ll actually get to see it this time!  One can only hope…..