Author Archives: KJ Ivany

Conversations With….The Dog

Posted in Conversations With, Doggie Diaries by

Maggie: I shall sit upon your lap and chew on this tasty bone for the next few hours. You are my favoritist human and I shall not be vacated from this spot for any reason whatsoever.
Me: Okay, Mags I need to get up. I have stuff to do. Can’t be lounging around here all day while you chew that nasty looking bone.
Mags: I’ll ignore that last ‘nasty’ remark and remain seated fervently chewing upon said bone. I am your best dog.
Me: Up! Mags, Up! I gotta go. (shoos Maggie from my lap)
Mags: Well! That’s quite rude! I wasn’t finished yet! Oh, wait are you getting food?! I LOVE FOOD!? *jumps wildly around my feet* FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! I WANT FOOD! I’M SO HUNGRY I HAVEN’T EATEN IN LIKE HOURS.
Me: No, Mags I’m not getting any food. Calm down. You have food in your bowl you haven’t touched yet.
Mags: FOOD! FOOD! I LOVE HAMBURGERS! ARE THOSE HAMBURGERS?! THAT’S MY FAVOURITE!!! IS THAT CHEESE! OH HOW I LOVE CHEESE! *jump, jump*
Me: Ugh, Maggie. NO! Stop jumping! Look! I have a ball! *tosses ball down the hall* GO GET IT!!
Mags: OH MY GAWD YOU JUST THREW MY FAVORITIST BALL!! *scurries after the ball and brings it back. Places it at my feet for another throw* Here you go. You lost this. THROW IT AGAIN!!!
Me: Seriously, I have stuff to do. *tosses ball* GO GET IT!
Mags: I GOTTA GET THE BALL!! *retrieves the ball and places it at my feet. Sits staring up at me: Um, here you go! Hehe…waiting here…THROW IT AGAIN!!!
Me: Ugh, Mags. *throws the ball* GO GET IT!!
Mags: I’LL GET IT!! *chases the ball when one of the kids comes in with a friend* YOU! HUMAN! I KNOW YOU! I DO NOT RECOGNIZE OTHER HUMAN WITH YOU! INTRUDER! INTRUDER! I SHALL BARK AND JUMP VICIOUSLY TO SCARE AWAY NASTY INTRUDER!! BARK! BARK! I AM PROTECTING YOU. STAY BACK!
Me: MAGGIE! Shhh…(so doesn’t work) *D2 opens the door and allows friend in to let Maggie have a sniff.
Maggie:*sniff, sniff* BARK! I don’t know you! BARK! You might be a vicious intruder. *sniff, sniff* Hey!! DO YOU HAVE A DOG, TOO??!! *sniff, sniff* I SMELL SOMETHING! DO YOU THINK I’M PRETTY?! MY HUMAN SAYS I’M PRETTY SO I MUST BE. YOU WILL THINK SO TOO. I SMELL BACON!! DO YOU HAVE BACON?! ARE YOU MADE OF BACON??!! I WANT SOME I WANT SOME I WANT SOME!! I think I love you….*follows new friend around the house and sits on her lap* AHH…BACON….
Me: Oh, God…

What? I'm pretty. That's all you need to know....

What? I’m pretty. That’s all you need to know….

 

Over the Fence

Posted in Uncategorized by

A wooden fence bordered the frayed sandy path that ran along the property lines in the backyards of the row of townhouses where I lived. Beyond our back fence, there lay a barbed wire fence, laden with greenery and big overhanging trees. From where I stood in my backyard in the burgeoning twilight, the greenery took on an ominous presence. They seemed beckoning to me; mocking our lack of yardage and lush vegetation. Teasing me with open handed limbs knowing I could not pass the rusted barbed wire placed on the top. I wanted so much to hop the fence and wander aimlessly in that backyard. To touch the overhanging tree branches, to feel the cold leaves of the green ferns, to walk barefoot in the cushion of the grass, luxurious and cool under my warm feet. I yearned to explore the secrets the big maple tree stood to protect, the dark spaces under its trunk a haven for hidden treasures and buried dreams. The rooftop of the house owning the backyard was a grey shingle that sloped on an angle to the yard as if leaning over it protectively, ensuring I was aware of its masterdom over the lawn I yearned to grasp and explore. It warned me of impending doom lest I fall to the temptation and crawl through the hole in the bottom of the thick chain link I knew was there. I had watched neighbouring kids bend and crawl, their t-shirts snagged from the jagged edge of the cut steel link then scurry atop that opulent grass, their feet barely touching as they went. I’m sure the owners had some idea as to the hole, but no one ever made any attempt to fix it. The fence served to keep us out, however, allowed the smaller few into the domain. I remained an admirer; a true patron of the green ferns lending their hands to mine across the dusty path.
I watched that backyard grow for eighteen years, its owners changing hands, the green ferns more lush with each passing year, until finally, I could only see the rooftop. The overgrowth finally enveloped the barbed wire fence, barring my vision of the green lawn I was confident was still there. The green lawn I still yearn to wander barefoot across.

chain link night
I dream of standing in my faraway backyard at twilight, looking out at those green ferns and the dark shadows hovering over the grass; that yard that harbored so much of my childhood and longing for greener surroundings.

In Search of The Sun

Posted in Misguided Musings by

The cold winds of a winter that have held on to us with their icy grasp have continued to blow and I can’t help but wonder if it will ever end. I’m thinking my down coat will forever become fastened permanently into my wardrobe like the houseguest that refuses to leave. The idea of a warm spring has vanished along with the dreams of gardening a bit early and a green lawn by June. If the weather doesn’t soon cooperate with my yearning for warmth, I could be forced to celebrate another Christmas season a few whole seasons too early. At least with Christmas, there’s some iota of merriment and good cheer. Right now, it’s only dismal loathing of the continual grey skies and minus temperatures. I think I saw a robin shiver this morning. Ugh.
The only bright light on the horizon is the hope of sunny skies, and eventual day or two of above freezing temps. Other than that, we slug along and continue to hope, rescuing our spurned gloves and hats from the bin marked WINTER SHIT for yet another day of arctic air and snowy forecasts. I’ve given in to the notion that my running shorts will only come in to use for that one spectacular day in July when the Gods of Summer bless us with a few hours of sun and heat, and we forget all the polar vortexes and frozen windshields of the previous months. That one cloudless day when we can actually go outside, peel off our winterized coats and outerwear and revel in the warmth of the sun and the glorious hours of daylight we have been envisioning all the long winter. That one dream-like day when the sun shines out of the skies like a beacon of glory and heat, beaming its rays upon our skin, vanquishing the toxic frost that seems to have formed in our bones.
Until such a day, I sit at my desk in my down parka, my fingers numb with the icy bite of cold, my nose dripping from the frosty air, hoping for a glimpse of that big ball of fire we used to call SUN….

Look! There it is! Ahhh...warm....

Look! There it is! Ahhh…warm….

 

 

 

He wears His Height Reluctantly.

Posted in Misguided Musings by

So, hockey is finished for another season at our house. Okay, hockey as in minor hockey..there’s still Junior High hockey which is sort of like the Hunger Games, but without all the fun of dying. Each team battles it out on the ice for the supreme ultimate title of Winnah. I’m not sure what they ultimately win except bragging rights to being the Junior High victors, but I guess when you’re 14, that’s a pretty big deal. I spent the entire day Saturday watching son play two games of hockey for his Bantam B Minor hockey team. In the final game of the championship, they were beaten badly by 10-0….ouch. However, they did get silver in the supreme ultimate “Bantam B Provincial Blah Blah” title, so that’s awesome. I enjoyed watching son play, but it was quite stressful at times and I was bowing my head to the Gods of Hockey to bless him with sudden 6’7” height and behemoth mass, (a tall order, pardon the pun, from his 5’almost 2” height and 93 pound stature) in order to survive the onslaught of the other guys who actually DID look like they had been acquired from a NHL team …ugh. He managed and was proud of his play…and that silver thingy hanging around his neck. I was happy to have muddled through an entire day dedicated to a cold arena and too much coffee, and not having to cart anybody off to a hospital or say the fateful words of “how many fingers am I holding up?”
The running season is upon me and I feel its weight every time I step outside. I can feel mine too unfortunately, and I’m battling it out with the road and the cars and the hills and the rocks and the damned little ruts in the side of the road that nearly send me flying on my ass every time I hit one absently or from the wrong side of my foot. I get honks from friends who suddenly realize that it’s me running and not some lost wayward soul out toddling along after her lost dog or little lamb that darted from the farm. Do we have sheep around here? Hmmm…
It’s a struggle and with the weather being all uncooperative and stuff, it just gets me annoyed. On the forecast for tomorrow morning, the morning of my next scheduled run? Snow. Freezing fucking rain. Yay! Strap on the studded running shoes and let’s get out there in the 100 mile an hour winds and the freezing bullets of rain pelting your face until the blood starts streaming from your cheeks and you look like a character gone awry from a Stephen King novel. “Oh, look it’s Kayjai doing her best Carrie impersonation out here…ewww….Is that blood from her eyes???!!! Gawd, take it down a notch will ‘ya? I got kids in ma car”… That sounds about right.
If the weather ever gets warmer than 0, I’ll be the first one to proclaim it Spring. Until then, I’ll have to don ma protective face wear and head outside. This should do it.

The read marks add decoration. Pretty!

The red marks add decoration…pretty!

It’s not half as scary as having bloody cuts from the freezing rain, right? Right? I’ll be sure to wear a jacket that says “Jason’s Machete Emporium” with a pic of a very  sharp object on the back…
Happy Spring, Peeps!

Get Out the Shovel, Kids. We Be Hunting Easter Eggs

Posted in Misguided Musings by

The warm winds of spring came blowing this morning and in an unusually inspired move, I threw on my running shoes and headed out for the first run of the season. I didn’t die, which is something! I knew it wouldn’t be pretty, but it also wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. I didn’t push too hard and I remained steady…everything else did too. Luckily for me, there was barely anybody out and about ( no, it’s not ‘oot and aboot’..fuck off) so I was virtually invisible! Invisibility is ever so useful (Gawd I’m turning British as I write this. “Evah so wonderful, Fletcha! Fletcha?!” ) I should have Potter’s cloak since I could use it for good and not evil…most of the time. Did I mention I’m planning WORLD DOMINATION through invisibility? No? Huh. Kinda explains ma absence from the world as of late, huh? Huh? I digress….
Anyways, now that I’ve rediscovered my running bug, the weather should cooperate…BECAUSE I SAID SO. It won’t I’m sure, but one can hope. A foot of snow, anybody? Yeah…should be inundating ma driveway by ohhh…SATURDAY MAYBE??!! Ugh.
Happy Easter, Damnit! Here’s some snow and happy shoveling! I hid the chocolate Easter eggs under the mountain of snow and ice, kids. Good luck finding them! Just think how overjoyed you’ll be when you dig through the snow with one of those plastic shovels you use at the beach, and find a practically frozen chocolate egg stuck to the pavement on the driveway. In a spirited display of Easter verve, the neighbour gets out the blow torch and melts that sucker until it’s no longer stuck and just a puddle of chocolate ooziness all over the clean semi-dry pavement. Yummmm….. Don’t get chocolate all over your mittens, kid. Somebody has to clean that shit up! Yay Easter!

These babies are going diving in the snow

These babies are going diving in the snow

Maybe I should hide eggs in the shed, too. Put some in the snow blower so when Hubby goes to use it, EGGS GO A’FLYIN’ !! It’ll be like the turkey toss from WKRP that went horribly awry, only with chocolate eggs flying through the air. The neighbours should watch out, lest they lose an eye from a bulleting Easter egg hurtling through space. “Pat! Duck! You almost got winged by that pretty purple Easter Egg!”


With any luck, her cat will eat it….
Ahhh….it’s all fun until somebody loses an eye.
Happy Easter and play safe with those eggs. No, you can’t borrow my blow torch…I’ll need it come Sunday morning. We’ll be making smores and singing Kumbaya in hopes Spring will return before June…