The Phone Poltergeists are Taking Over the World

My phone is possessed.  I have dropped it twelve too many times and now it simply does whatever the fuck it wants.  Like switching apps at random times.  Fading my background to eerie France-like colours that was all in support of Je Suis Charlie last year, but not my choice right now.  I like actually being able to view what’s on my home screen.  While I’m still a supporter of France (who isn’t?  Uh, wine) I don’t think the colors should be fading in and out on my phone.  It also has decided to start prank-calling random people on my contact list at very inopportune times of the day. Like 5am.   I received a voice mail from the breeder of Mags desperately asking if the dog was all right since I have called her twice and hung up.  Apparently, that signals ‘dog emergency’ and she became concerned that Mags had become a crazed victim of rabies, or biting or anti-social behaviour.  All of which are more than a possibility, however, I was forced to send breeder a soothing text alighting that Mags was indeed alive and well and, albeit anti-social and a pain in my ass, still fine.  Not rabid.  Not lost.  Not eating shit off the floor…wait.  Okay, maybe that last one.  I dismissed attempting to tell her my phone called her all by itself…Suuuure it did.  Like who would believe a phone can make phone calls all by itself?  Next, you’ll tell me there’s an artificial intelligence movement where machines will eventually take over the world and we should be cautious….

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Mmmm…K.

I’ve taken to blaming the strange events as the work of Perry the Poltergeist. Icons are being activated without my hand being anywhere near the phone and my home screen scares me.  I stare at it waiting for Pennywise from It to appear and scare the beejesus out of me.  Seriously.  I even had to alert friends on FB assuring them that I was not prank calling at 5:00am and if I ever DID do that, I certainly would have done more than simply hung up.  Gawd, do you know me at all?!  The very least would have been heavy breathing…then maniacal laughter…I’m liking this idea..

So, if you have fallen victim to my evil phone, I apologize.  AND, if you receive a prank call very early in the morning, it wasn’t me…probably.  It was that Perry…He can be such a dick sometimes…

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Mags.  Still ok and eating shit off the floor…

 

 

A Practical Guide to Surviving Holiday Parties

 

Christmas is a wonderful season full of good will and good friends and family.  Parties and social gatherings are a given at this time of year, and getting together at work socials and/or a spouse’s work social can be a stressful and anxiety inducing event.   Here are my top tips for enjoying these special occasions while maintaining your dignity and Christmas spirit and enthusiasm for the season.  Enjoy!

  • Be prepared ahead of time by drinking a few cocktails before leaving your house (ensuring you are transported safely by a designated driver…I’m all about safety) that way you will be more at ease and further inclined to tell better jokes…which invariably leads to you laughing at them yourself…at least SOMEBODY will find you funny!
  • Wear your festive garb with pride. Nobody likes a fuddy-duddy and nothing says getting into the Christmas spirit more than wearing that fugly sweater with matching flashing earrings and socks.  Remember…everybody will be drunk eventually and will laud all over you with sentiment and admiration for your bravery….and awesome fashion sense. You will rock that partay.
  • Stash the Elf on the Shelf dude in a hidden place with a half empty bottle of whiskey during the party. The host will have fun discovering it later when she cleans up and then instantly blames her husband for his awful taste and poor judgement….and wasting a perfectly good bottle of Jack on a stuffed elf.
  • Be sure to bring a party favour for the host. Christmas is about giving so bring something nice along to thank her for inviting you.  Like wine.  Wine is good. Be sure to crack that bottle open at the party when she’s not looking, that way you can taste it and make sure it’s suitable!  Then you can toast your good taste and generous spirit by drinking her gift.  You rock!
  •  Compliment her Christmas tree and decorating finesse during the party.  Later, when everybody is hammered you can ‘fix’ it by rearranging all the ornaments to look like her three year old snuck out and got creative.  She’ll be sure to admire it  after she finds her angel face down in a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps and tinsel strewn around all corners of the house.  Again, she’ll blame Hubby…
  • Find a nice quiet corner to sit and contemplate the true meaning of Christmas whilst watching everyone else drink themselves silly and discuss why Joan Jett would sing Silent Night and the Little Drummer Boy, but not Santa Baby….hmmm….then get more wine and circle the gathering by humming ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’…spread the Joan Jett Joy.
  • When eating boxed chocolates, read the chocolate guide to ensure you don’t eat the yukky cherry cream, or orange sherbet stuff or coconut cream ones. Leave those and eat the other caramel filled yummy ones.   Then replace the missing ones with the orange sherbet and coconut filled chocolates from the bottom tray.   Throw out the now empty tray and leave the one full tray of orange sherbet crap and coconut filled ones on top, that way everybody will think the box is half full, when really, it’s half empty….or it IS half full…of crappy chocolate.  Either way, it’s a psychological thing.  They’ll be happy that they scored a full load of chocolate and you’ll have already eaten the best ones!  Win-Win!  You’re all about spreading Christmas cheer….

 

There you have it.  You are now all set for the Christmas parties that are sure to come your way!  Enjoy yourself and remember, elves and Jack go together like wine and me…sweet and…well, we’ll just leave it at sweet. 

 

 

Tragic Tale of The Washer That Won’t Wash 

We are running out of clean clothes. Close to three weeks with no working washing machine and I’m about ready to lose my shit. Seriously, I’ve called the company from the washing Gods at least seven times and yesterday, I reached my boiling point. I yelled…I never yell…I scared my daughter who ran upstairs when she heard me exclaim “I HAVE THREE KIDS, A DOG AND NO WASHING MACHINE TO WASH ANYTHING!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? HUH?! HUH?!! WHAT?!” (The dog has nothing to do with washing anything, it’s not like I have a newborn baby around who poops in her pants and throws up over everything, but I thought I’d toss in the fact that I’m a loyal pet owner who likes to keep stuff clean….I thought I could induce sympathy, but apparently the washing machine company from hell is void of feelings…and compassion to pet owners. AND MULTIPLE CHILDREN. They probably hate babies and kittens and those baby chimps dressed up like little dolls, too. Bastards) To which multiple apologies came over the phone with the ‘ma’am’…I hate the ‘ma’am’ Ugh.

So, in the end nothing happened. The motor was replaced and the machine that shouldn’t be called a machine, but a lame piece of expensive- dirty- laundry- dumping- area, still sits there mocking me. NOT WORKING. “Ha-ha told ‘ya they wouldn’t help. Now you have to spend more money than what I’m worth to fix me, so I can break down and sit here and mock you again…I think I’ll have an implosion and spontaneously combust….how does Dec. 24th sound? He-he-he” Asshole.

I’m gonna have some wine and think about how best to drunk-text the washing machine company….I’ll inundate their inboxes with pictures of puppies and cute little monkies and piglets….and say, ‘THIS IS WHO YOU WON’T FIX A MACHINE FOR! THE BABY ANIMALS OF THE WORLD IMPLORE YOU TO FIX MA WASHER…THEY NEED CLEAN LITTLE DRESS UP CLOTHES!!!”  

There.

That otta do it.  

 

 

 

Write a Blog Post

Write a blog post

It needs to be done

Write a blog post

People are waiting for one

Write a blog post

You have nothing else to do

But write a blog post

It can only be you.

Memories of Drowning and Other Stories

 

So, I’m now an official Indie author.  My book hit the Amazon jungle on Sunday.  I’m not sure how I feel about it, yet.   It’s like taking a little piece of your soul and throwing it up in the air, waiting for somebody to catch it.  And hold it.  And like it, just a little bit.

The silence is what’s awkward.  Not knowing if people will like it and hoping nobody takes it and trashes it into nothingness.   It’s weird, really.  I’ve been flung into the virtual abyss with nothing, not even a life jacket to keep me from going under…scary place, this cyber universe.  But I did it to myself.  I put myself out into the big wide world to see what’s what…no point in turning around and running back home.  Might as well hang out a bit and see who gives me a nod.

So, I’m going to be annoying.  I’m going to make a complete nuisance of myself and be in your face and stare at you until you get all uncomfortable and move around in your chair looking for the nearest exit.  I may even follow you to the door…but I’ll be out here a while, so send me back a coffee or a donut or even a warm blankie, will ‘ya?

It’s a bit chilly out here…..

The Visitor, A Short Story

I wrote this story a few years ago and it still resonates with me.  Since it takes place during the onset of war, I thought it appropriate to have up today, Remembrance Day.  The young soldier is admiring the enigmatic Churchill and hoping in some small way, he too can become brave and heroic in the face of imminent war.  Lest We Forget….

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I watched as the plane landed with a thunderous roar, the engines coming to an abrupt halt as if the pilot had simply turned the switch to the ‘off’ position.  I stood with my back hard against the biting wind, wondering if I should prepare a salute or simply stand at attention.  I waited for some direction from my superior officer, but none came.  I believe the shock of the arrival and the excitement of having such a prolific visitor come adrift upon our rocky shores had sent us all into a wave of silent awe.

It was November 1942.  The world was engulfed in the biggest conflict known to man, the classic battle between good and evil personified by the leaders of European nations struggling to define the world on their own terms, ignoring the plight and suffering of those they plundered into despair.  Leaders who were so enmeshed in their own agendas they took no notice of the people being tortured and beaten or of children being left to die on the streets with explosions and gunfire rattling their souls, shattering lives and dreams without a second thought.   Our little part of the world seemed so distant and removed from such gross atrocities against humanity, save the work our army was doing to assist our allies.  Our shores were vulnerable and England knew the possibility of oncoming attacks, sending reinforcements to protect our rocky cliffs by setting up battlements to keep constant watch over our ocean.  I say ‘our ocean’ as if we, the country of Newfoundland, could even suggest possessing such a thing.  This living, breathing entity entrusted to us by God to forever protect and nurture, and in return permission to fish her open blue waters.  She bestowed food in abundance to feed our families, nourish a growing country and sustain our people through long harsh winters, all the while, the stars beckoning fishermen to take to their boats and sail beneath their watchful gazes, enrapturing them in the ocean’s song of freedom and peace. The salty water blowing upon our land giving weight to the wet laundry strung out to dry on the tenuous lines, the gale force winds blowing it skyward.  Salt we could taste upon our lips, and feel the sting in our eyes after waiting and watching for our husbands, fathers, brothers and uncles to return home from months at sea.  Our lives hung in limbo, much like the laundry blowing haphazardly across the blue horizon. We were left to protect our waters, land and people with nothing more than a few strong men and the good sense God had granted us to outlast the evil dictators who were waging war against England.  We watched as our men and women departed for lands far out reaching our own, with the ever present knowledge that they may never return.  We applauded their bravery, mocked the suggestions of indignant retreats and prayed for their eventual safe return to Newfoundland’s humble embrace.

The wind blew out like a blast from God as I blindly stood, tears streaming down my face with my hands frozen by my side.  The Botwood air base was abuzz with excitement, people milling about in the cold waiting for the slightest chance of catching a glimpse of his surly expression, most likely with a lit cigar firmly planted between his teeth as ashes trailed his every step.  This was the man who held the fate of England in his hands although promising years of struggle and grief, he never wavered in his belief that we could withstand the loss of lives brought upon us by Hitler’s egocentric views that embraced the inane and contemptible.

The entire world watched as England waged war against the tyranny of this dictator. The population poured passionate and all-encompassing faith into a beloved and respected Prime Minister, believing he could lead the world to victory over the malevolent force spreading across Europe.   I was excited by the prospect of meeting the leader of almighty England, but nervous he may look upon me as subservient.  His stellar military career had ignited my own aspirations of service, however I knew that I was not his equal.  His brilliance was far beyond my capacities and I was quickly daunted by the challenges of such a life during this tumultuous time. It was as if people knew this was an era of change and historic will; nations rose together in allegiance to restore peace, hope and the conviction that all people should live without having to witness death and destruction in their backyards. It was a time where the future seemed uncertain, the constant news of battles and resulting casualties the topic of every radio broadcast, but when he took to the airwaves, we rose in unison to hope the end of such senseless slaughter would soon be upon us.  I recalled hearing the warnings from the Prime Minister years before this terrible outbreak regarding Hitler’s rampant greed for superiority and his assembling of armies in the name of ‘white supremacy’.  Although he was politely ignored, Churchill could see Europe’s demise propelling forward and he was prepared to rally a nation to stand tall and fight.  His inspiring words sprang intense patriotism that only war time mentality could comprehend, and years later as he took his seat as Prime Minister, he became England’s savior as well as our guide into the dark abyss of war.

I watched in wonder as the man of whom I had been inspired emerged from the plane, the propellers slowing as the engines died.  He stood, his long trench billowing about his ankles and lit his cigar surreptitiously beside the plane’s engines.  I smiled as I watched, seeing the horrified looks from my superiors at Churchill’s disregard for such trivialities as an impending explosion from a lighter in proximity to the plane’s fuselage.  They hurriedly escorted him away from the danger zone and into a path leading directly to where I was standing.  The smile must have still been securely glued upon my face as he approached and smiled back at me.  His hat had almost succumbed to a violent gust of wind and he forcefully replaced it upon his head.  He looked me up and down as if inspecting my presence in such a desolate and isolated place and said loudly, “Hello, Sergeant!  So, how do you like it up here in Newfoundland?”  I was momentarily stunned staring into his bright blue eyes and the energy and warmth behind them tempted a reply from my gaping frozen lips. “Fine, sir” I sputtered, “I like it fine.”