March breezes are upon us with the promise of Spring. It’s so close, I almost believe in its careless whispers and its falsepromises of sunshine, trees with sprouts of green buds and the ground giving birth to colourful tulips. Then I walk outside and I am almost blown to my knees from hurricane force windswhile wrapped in a one hundred pound down filled parka with mittens and boots cemented to my appendages. Spring! Let me make it through winter without frost bite, or hospitalizations from injuries sustained in slippages or needing to be thawed by an open flame for hours.
It’s a little much and I’m tired. I want to go outside and feel the sun. Instead, I’m still waiting for some semblance of warmth. Some sign from the Weather Gods that I am not just waiting for nothing. That they’re not up in the sky looking down at me laughing at me for even THINKING about Spring while they plan the next ice extravaganza. “Hey, Thor. Throw that hammer on THIS THREE FEET THICK SHEET OF ICE! The humans will be SO SCREWED! HAHAHAHA!”
Ice is terrifying for me and my reasons should be very self-explanatory. The whole fall-down-on-my-arse thing. Or the dreaded Face-Plant of 2012, the Sequel. The slip in Toronto a week ago. It could happen even without the presence of slippery-when-wet or when-icy conditions. Gravity is not my friend. THE MINUTE I think spring could be wrapping me in warmth, I dare to be too brave and saunter outside without grippy boots and immediately fall on my ass. It’s a given. I need a bodyguard or five to walk me gently down the driveway to my car, then gently down the stairs from the parking lot to the door of my work. I need them to repeat this exercise from October right up until July. Or maybe I could get my hands on a hover board and hover my way to EVERYWHERE during the winter. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
Who has a hover board they’re not currently using?? Is that even a thing?
I need to research this. It could be my answer to NEVER FALLING AGAIN. I could market it like the Acorn Stair Lift for old people. HOVER YOUR WAY TO EVERYWHERE.
DON’T WALK. HOVER.
DON’T FALL EVER AGAIN.
Wow. The possibilities are endless!
Wait…is there balance involved in these hover boards? ‘Causethat may be the Dragon’s Den rejection of the year if I have to actually use balance to operate it.
I need to research this and get back. My solution may have fallen into the abyss of Bad Ideas not to be resurrected anytime soon.
I could be back to just plain old walking and hoping I don’t fall. That’s okay, since that’s what I’ve been doing forever, but it would be nice to have an alternate solution that looks way cooler than a scooter or moped thingy. Or ending up looking like I volunteered to spar with Rocky sans protective gear.
And cooler than being called Jay Leno.