Adventures in Puppy School

This week we have embarked on a new and wild adventure.  Bad Girl Puppy School for the one and only Mags.  Her behaviour isn’t as crappy as her You-are-my-human-and-will-bend-to-my-will attitude.  Yeah.  So, in getting the Magster to bend to OUR will, we have decided to take her to some puppy training to get her used to dogs…and other human beings.  She tends to get highly offended at the mere presence of another human of whom she has not yet approved waltzing into her house.  It’s all very dramatic.  Here are a few things I learned at Bad Girl Puppy School thus far:

There are more messed up hounds than mine

The trainer trains the humans, not the dogs

Treats are the best way to learn something new…works for dogs too.

Drunk-walking your dog is apparently not a good way to teach proper leash technique. Who knew?!

It’s a good idea to have a witness with you in attendance for Bad Girl Puppy School so that when you get home your family is not giving you the you-are-totally-shitting-us-with-this-messed-up-clicker-crap look and think you went to the bar and had a few whiskey sours and met up with some hobo (are there hobos around anymore?  Is there such a thing as a hobo?  This is a whole other post)  who insisted you take the 99 cent clicker he found outside of Pet Smart so you took it to appease him and shut him up instead of going to puppy school.  Which I totally think would be awesome if the puppy would sit quietly so I could enjoy a few at the bar, but that’s the reason the puppy is in puppy school in the first place.  She can’t sit.  Apparently, I’ve done everything wrong up until now and so should not be in charge of any living creatures that have more than two legs.  They’ll probs call social services and remove the kids as well, since they have trouble sitting too.  It’s all ego-bashing and eye-opening at the same time.  I’m confused.  I’ll probs be leashing the boy and trying to take him for a walk while incessantly clicking the fucking clicker in his face instead of taking Mags , who by the way, is afraid of the stupid clicker thingy.  Awesome.

The best dog name I’ve heard so far: Benny.

He’s a messed up cross between a cocker spaniel and a pit-bull.  He’s fucking awesome and barked at everything that moved.  He was about to take down a huge boxer but the boxer wimped out.  Made our Magalicious look sweet and innocent by comparison.  Bad Girl Puppy School is making Maggie look like we won the puppy lottery…until we go home and see her with other well-behaved dogs.  Then we revert back to ‘we suck as puppy parents’.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.

We go again on Monday night and we have a few ‘assignments’ to complete in the mean time.  So far Mags has learned the sum of a big fat zero.  On the positive side, she loves her treats!  I shall keep you all updated on her progress, but I’m not guaranteeing any results.  If I can get a snap of Benny, everybody’s fave wild-mad-dog, I shall post if his puppy parent agrees.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a treat…and gets a detention at Bad Girl Puppy School.

Maggie after a hard day at Bad Girl Puppy School..."That Benny is one crazy puppy!!!"

Maggie after a hard day at Bad Girl Puppy School…”That Benny is one crazy puppy!!!”

17 thoughts on “Adventures in Puppy School

  1. Great post, had me laughing – not an easy thing to do.

    Perhaps a little late now but if you would have had a Border Collie you would not have to pay for puppy lessons. They train themselves! Honest, ours is so intelligent she trained herself and now has me running around after her! 🙂

  2. I think there are still hobos around, just not here on the island. I believe they sort of disappeared with CN railroad. Personally, I think you should have better researched dog schools and found one that approved of drunk walking.

  3. Reason #785 not to get a dog!!! Although with the latest addition to the puppy neighbourhood my 11 year old is depressed that her mother is too mean to get a puppy:((( Only me and the superintendent are puppy less now.

    • It’s shocking, really how many of us have decided to add puppies to our fams. Must be something in the water. We waited this long only because of Hay and her allergies and thought the kids are responsible enough to handle her without me being the main caregiver…although, I do a lot, I’m not the only one. Son helps a lot…

  4. You’ll know she is properly trained when she can go to the bar and bring you back the right drink.
    And correct change.

    That, obviously, is the brass ring of training.

    • This is a great idea…I’ll have to choose just the right amount of alcohol so as not to induce too much obvious doggy-drunkenness. Thanks for the tip…no wonder you’ll be handing out advice!

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