It’s Friday, people so how’s about a little Top Ten to end your week and blast off your weekend?
Since the beginning of time, or thereabouts, the properties of alcohol have been extolled for its abilities to soothe the savage beast, provide comfort and make people forget…well, everything passed the phrase “I’ll have just one more.” Ever see a western where there ISN’T a shot-up cowboy needing a bullet extracted, but first they pour whisky over the wound, then get him to take a swig straight from the bottle? Yeah. Not only were they trying to ‘cleanse’ the wound and keep him calm, they wanted him to down enough of the bottle to forget who performed the surgery. I wouldn’t want to be the surgeon who had an armed and pissed off cowboy looking for the asshole who stitched him up using fishing line and a hook.
Even in the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine for a wedding. That’s why Jesus wanted to go to the wedding. All those miraculous acts were taking its toll. He wanted a nice glass of Merlot and a chair. The use of alcohol for celebration and merriment is infused in every legend imaginable. Robin Hood and his Merry men? What made them so merry? That’s right! THE ALCOHOL!!
So in the spirit of such raucous celebration, raise a glass and read on:
The Top Ten Reasons We Drink (Alcoholic Beverages)
You. Are. Welcome.
10. To relieve Stress- A well-known fact steeped in tradition, alcohol gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, taking away the tensions of the day with a few good sips, or chugs…or jello-shots. They’re so pretty with all the colours!!
9. Enhances your time with friends- Nothing says ‘friendship’ like sharing a bottle or five of wine and some laughs. Like the night before my first block party on my street and we were supposed to be thinking of questions for the game we were doing the next night with all the neighbor couples…by the next day it was “questions? What questions? THERE’S A GAME?!!” Good times.
8. Peeps were getting tired of tea – There is only so much tea one can drink at a tea party…or underground casino.
7. Watching somebody get shitfaced is funny – Like the time Bestie came over after being at a party with her work-friends and she started drinking water out of one of my mason jars…and telling me about her most recent trip to Florida. Again.
6. Passes the time – What else is there to do on a random Friday night? Nothin’.
5. Enhances creativity/everything is fucking hilarious – Yep even the dots on the ceiling take on a whole new meaning…and who DOESN’T enjoy a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner outside their window at midnight? Huh? Who, dammit?!
4. Sexual encounters are clumsier but nobody notices because you’re drunk – Yeah, it’s all good until you wake up in the morning with a fat lip and vaguely remember something about Hubby smacking you with his elbow, whilst….yeah.
3. Helps you sleep/passout – It used to be even in Victorian days that a good shot of Cognac before bedtime enhanced the sleeping experience. All it really did is make one very sleepy. Then you get that drunk sleep which isn’t really good sleep and you wake up groggy and tired the next morning and think “whose idea was it to drink fucking Cognac before bed?!”.
2. Gives you a reason to be cranky the next morning – Can you say ‘hangover’??
1. Naked bar dancing would be pointless without it – One definitely needs to have some alcohol under his/her ‘belt’ in order to pull off this little escapade into dance-fever history. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Guap.
So, there you go. Great reasons to stalk up your liquor cabinet this weekend or empty it! Have a great time, drink responsibly and remember: Only YOU can prevent sobriety.
Keep it clean, peeps.
Be safe and have fun.