Tag Archives: rants

Get Off Of My Cloud

Posted in Misguided Musings by

assholes

I’m surrounded by assholes.  Seriously.  What is up with people?!  Has the Asswit Squad decided to descend among the general population and dispense it’s flagrant idiocy to us unsuspecting innocents?

I have found lately that I am more sensitive to the shit that is routinely dispensed in my environment.  I refuse to acknowledge the presence of jackwits who fuck everything up then complain that others aren’t doing their jobs.  Ugh. I realize that the current economic fragility has people more than a little anxious, but fuck off and get on with it.  Really.

Is it necessary to vent that you are ‘not a chauffeur’ even though you volunteered to drive people to the event in the first place?

And excuse me asswit, but who made you the king of all things right?  I realize you’ve been around the block, but bragging how you know everything, does not win any popularity points or put you in good with anyone deemed responsible for your pay cheque.  Dough-head.

And telling people to use another door when you demanded they come in, then not have adequate snow removal is fucked-up.  Just sayin’.

I probably could go on a little more here, but you get my gist.  Stop complaining and do what you need to do.  I’m reeeeaaallly trying to be positive here, so either get with the whole ‘the-world-is-fucking-magical-and-I-love-it’ thing, or move on.  I’m tired of assholes messing up my more than rosy outlook on life.  I’m freakin’ happy here!

rainbow

Can’t you see the effervescent glow of my joy and the glare of the sunshine and rainbows projecting out of my ass? The unicorn you just ran over with your Jeep was my one piece of happiness that was getting me through my less-than-blithesome day!   That happy face you just shot a hole through with your sawed-off shotgun was the symbol of my everlasting faith in humanity.  It gave me hope that peace and love prevail over the evil and negative forces that invade my space on a daily basis…meaning you, you fuckhead.  Get off of my cloud!  Ugh…..

smiley face

In conclusion, I would just like to say for you asshats to keep your negativity out of my space, please.  It takes all of me to be this friggin’ happy during the worst month of the year and I’m currently basking in the glory of a job well done on that front.  AND…I said ‘please’.  That should count for something, dammit.

Nickels And World Domination

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28_nickel

Sometimes I feel as if I am walking around and have no idea what I’m talking about.  Other times, I hear other people talk and think THEY have no clue either.  So, really.  Nobody knows jack.  I’m good with that.

My zipper broke on my suede jacket this morning causing me to swear loudly, which caused the dog to jump, which caused the kids to scoop her up, which caused me to feel badly.  My contact lense was clouded which caused me to rinse it thricely (?) which caused my eye to be bloodshot and watery, which slowed me down in preparing for work. Running out the door,  I then had to scrape twenty inches of snow from my car, which was cemented by the freezing rain, which required more time spent on the scraping since daughter felt the need to sit and watch, which caused me to mumble expletives under my breath, which caused me to take a different route to work since the roads had not been ploughed and I was too busy mumbling to pay attention to where I was going, which then caused me to endure traffic , which caused me to be late for work, which caused daughter to be late for her exam, on which she did badly which resulted in everything being my fault.  Again and as per usual.   Ugh.

Eating raw carrots is like watching a slow agonizing rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ while repeatedly jabbing a fork into my thigh.

My stash of nickels should come in handy when my plan for world domination comes to fruition.  We’ve already done away with the penny…I declare that nickels are now worth more.  And bacon should be free.

The best things are left unsaid.  Who said that?  I guess if it was said, it wasn’t ‘the best thing’.  Shit.

I’m missing the Die Hard marathon playing at the local theatre today.  Twelve non-stop hours of yippe-kay-yay MoFu along with witty repartee, stinging banter, blazing machine guns, hanging from skyscrapers by nothing but a fire hose and crawling through ventilation ducts with lighters.  Okay, maybe the banter isn’t so great…but ‘welcome to the party pal’!   Oh how I wish I had my popcorn and my seat in the theatre right now.  Another time, McClean…another time.  I wonder if anyone would notice if I sneak out for a few hours.  I could ‘work from home’…maybe.  What?  Ugh….I’m suddenly feeling ill…I have a fever?  I contracted T.B.?  That malaria shot I got a few months ago is working against me!  I have the measles!  Look at all the red spots…no, those aren’t freckles…just look through these 3-D glasses and tell me those spots aren’t red…AND SOME ARE BLUE??!!  Holy shit I need to go home and rest!  Get the paramedics!  I know…a few hours in a theatre might do me some good.  Some nachos, pop, a comfy chair and Willis…I think I almost convinced you.  Maybe.  I could give you some of my nickels….

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha...ugh. I so should be there!

Yippee-Kay Ay mutha…ugh. I so should be there!

The Word Game

Posted in Misguided Musings by

words

There’s a wrestling match going on inside my head and so far Rogue is losing to the opponent.  Problem is I’m not sure who or what the opponent is.  He remains nameless and faceless.  I resolve to write a great post full of wit and wisdom and end up with this…this…rambling and fumbling of words.  I fucking hate that.

In order to free up the creative process, let’s play a little game.  I’ll say a word and the other me will write down the first thing that pops into my head.  It’s easier when there is more than one ‘you’ inside your head.  Yay for mental health!  Ready, people?  Let’s go!

Ball- Run

String- This is stupid

Room-  With a view!  I win!

Desk- A Fucking mess

Lindsay Lohan-  Also, a fucking mess

Pen- With which to write which I haven’t, thus the need for this idiotic exercise. Next.

Apple- Crunchy

Chair- Dumb chair.  Fell over it this morning…oh. Sorry.

Dog-   The cutest wittle doggie evah…ahem.  Again, sorry.

Weight- Wait?  Or WEIGHT!  Like HOLY SHIT I WEIGH HOW MUCH? Or HOLY SHIT I HAVE TO WAIT HOW LONG?!!  Which one?  Both are evil.

Fruit-  Owns a hair salon and totally denies he’s gay…oh!  You mean FRUIT, like apples and oranges and stuff…again with the apples? Ugh.

Heat- Totally absent in this space and therefore I am FUCKING FREEZING!!  Hello?!! Oh!  I meant house.  I’m home today…back to the words…

Keys-  Ima gonna need a new set when they change the locks on the door…to my HOUSE of course, because that’s where I currently am.  HOME.  Yeah.

Florida- where I should be at the moment.

Book- Love them all, read them all, wrote a couple…awesome stuff.

Paper- Umm….white, blank lately, some have lines, trees died for them?  What do you want from me?

Elvis- We went from paper to Elvis?  Really?  “Thank you, you’re beautiful”.  All I got.

The lights are on but no one’s home-  The story of my life…This is supposed to be ONE word.

Money-  Apparently not something young adults take downtown so instead of  YA being able to get home independently, she feels the need to call the mommy so she can meet her at a location only to have that location change when mommy gets there due to the absence of money and the YA’s ability to avail of the public transportation system therefore, after much yelling and throwing of cell phone in car, (which sadly now works intermittently at best) mommy dutifully drives all over fucking town (since the location of pick up changed twice after the first time) to rescue daughter and friend only to hear  “thanks” and “well, if you had let me take the car this wouldn’t have happened”…. Good thing my phone is due for an upgrade….

Fuck off- See above.  ‘nuff said.

Thank you for playing.  See you next time on WORD ASSOCIATION-THE BEST GAME FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

Disclaimer Clause:  It should be noted that no harming of any cars, horses, dogs, cats, wandering hobos, daughters or cell phones occurred in the above scenario.  Swearing was kept to whispers and loud voices in my head…I think it was implied in the yell of “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY?  WHO GOES DOWNTOWN WITHOUT CASH?!!  TELL ME!  WHO DOES THAT?!”   Ugh….

WTF? A Question Without An Answer….

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Good morning/afternoon/evening/whatever the fuck time zone you are in readers and welcome to the first installment of WTF?  A new series dedicated to the bizarre and often strange happenings of not only the universe pissing its inane sense of humor on all of us unfortunate beings, but the strange reaction we beings seem to have to this pissing match.  Let the urinating begin!

-I don’t know what the strange orange crap is that appeared on my keyboard today, but I’m hoping it will kindly disappear from whence it came. Apparently the disinfectant wipes don’t fucking work on orange crap.  Awesome.  Thank you.

-My daughter is reading Macbeth in English class…she is not impressed so I decided to text her a quote.  I think I’ll text  a whole soliloquy later just so she can be astounded and amazed by my awesomeness.  That’s how it works, right?  Quoting Shakespeare to your seventeen year old daughter?  Yeah, I’m so cool right now.

– The rattling noise in my car is still there.  I’ve wisely decided that it is intent on producing such harmonious sounds so as to extract a venomous reaction from yours truly.  I’m choosing the Penny solution.  I know it’s there, I’m hoping it will go away.  I’ll just ignore it until it falls dead on the road or it silently fades into oblivion.  There.  Problem solved.  The League of Nations should be calling me soon to solve the world peace issue.  I’ll just wait here patiently by the phone.

-Stuffing money down your bra when you’re hammered at the poker table and think you’ve just won a million dollars by beating every sober person around you, counts in real time poker too.  Where’s Bestie’s bracelet?  Vegas baby!!!

-My explanation for the downfall of my previous blog has hit all new heights since everybody now thinks I’m dead.  They think my old blog has been imploded due to my untimely and grisly demise.  Death by blogging.  A truly horrific event.  I think there’s a dedicated Facebook page in my memory.  Please sign and let me know you care…or cared…or… yeah.  I expect awesome eulogies, and sentimental anecdotes.  Father Leslie is not invited…nor should he be notified.  He might say something like “her math was terrible, but what a good housewife she was.”  Is it blasphemy to swear at a priest?   Hmmm….Should I care about that if I’m dead?  OH!  Don’t forget the bringing of flowers.  Lots o’pretty  flowers….awww….

-In other news totally unrelated to anything news-worthy or logical, a Dutch airline is holding an investigation into an alleged copilot allegedly sleeping while allegedly operating a plane.  The pilot was out of the cockpit taking a …well, leak…bathroom break…draining the main vein.  You get my drift.  He tried to get back into the cockpit but was locked out.  Seems co-pilot was too sleepy to let him back in. It’s all quite speculative right now.  I think if the co-pilot fell asleep, he no longer qualifies as ‘operating’ the plane…that means while the pilot was out relieving himself and the co-pilot was snoozing in dreamy-dreamland, then logically…THERE WAS NOBODY FLYING THE DAMNED PLANE!!  Where’s Samuel L. Jackson when you need him?  Ugh.  So, congrats to the Dutch airline for broadcasting this tiny flaw in the airline biz and the balls to come out and say that co-pilots pretty much do squat.  Awesome.  I think my next career is set.  Co-pilot for the Dutch airlines.  Do I have to speak Dutch?  Hmm….Oh, right.  I’m dead already, so I can speak whatever language I choose!  I choose the illustrious language of pig latin.  Iway ockray.

IMG_5629

The Taller The Chair, The Harder I Fall

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I had a post all ready to go in my head at 7am and now it’s gone.  I hate it when that happens.  I should have immediately gotten out of bed and written the damned thing down.

Who am I kidding? There’s no way I would have gotten out of bed at that hour on a Saturday morning just to write something down.  Pfffttt….

I think the post had something to do with the Stephen King  book I’m rereading…or the stories I’m trying to write…or …hmm…I can’t remember.

I’m thinking it was King’s advice on writing that has me almost on the edge of throwing myself from the tallest chair in my vicinity and ending it all right now.  His expression of ‘there are bad writers everywhere’ has me hoping his finger is not pointing in my direction.  Not that it should…or it would.  I just think ‘Gawd, I don’t want to be that girl.  The girl who writes so badly everyone holds their collective noses in disgust and turns in rapid repulsion.’    Geesh…that would be just, just..fucking sucky.  Ugh.

I like that he suggests writers should read as much as possible.  I like that he attempts to be encouraging without trying to be too condescending or arrogant.  He actually comes off as your buddy who’s just trying to help you out a bit and he may have a few words of advice for we lowly lot…Not that he’s any good himself or anything.  Pfftt…he’s only Stephen King for God’s sake!!

Since my infamous and showy New Year’s resolution to ‘write more’ takes the cake in articulate and profound proclamations,  I guess the King advice may come in handy.    Then again, my new chairs are just the right height….