I Was a Directionally Challenged Pirate Named Kevin in Ma Previous Life. True Story.

Bestie’s on tap to redo ma ‘do tomorrow night which is a good thing.  I haven’t seen so much grey since dude at the Halloween party dressed as Fifty Shades of Grey.  Lame costume, BTW dude.  I can paste a bunch of paint swatches to myself and proclaim it a costume too… in fact I do that almost on a daily basis.  It makes for a fun and interesting conversation piece.  You should try it. They love me at work.  “What’s that colour  you’re wearing today, KJ?  Ecru?  What’s that?”  and then I have to explain the colour palette and the colour wheel and what colours go with others…it’s all very artistic and shit.  Totally worth the hour it spends duct-taping those swatches to ma pants.  What?  OH, you thought I would tape those to ma shirt?  Most people look at the asses of others.  True stat.  Look it up.  So, I tape the swatches to ma ass.  There’s more space… It’s like the size of Quebec down there, so pahlenty of swatch taping room….

Not only is he wearing the costume...he's showing attitude. Work it!

Not only is he wearing the costume…he’s showing attitude. Work it!

Christmas is coming!  Only 28 more days, in case you were all wondering and didn’t have a calendar handy and can’t count.  I’ve done all the work for you.  Consider it your Christmas present.  Merry Christmas!  You. Are. Welcome.

I know there are those who walk among us who loathe Christmas and all it stands for, but I am not one of those people.  I fucking love it.  I love the music, I love the lights, I love the decorations and I love the excitement and shit.  I’m not down with the whole ‘Christmas Magic’ b.s.  That’s not me, but Christmas day is the BEST day.  I guess because the kids are older and we all just hang out in our jammies and put the fire on, play Christmas music, down all the chocolate one can eat in an hour and then eat turkey and pie and drink wine. Well, I drink the wine while I cook the turkey.  It’s amazing we have a dinner on the table at all. 

It’s awesome.

 Now that D1 is over the legal age for consuming alcohol, I don’t feel so awkward handing her a glass of white wine to toast at dinner.  Not that I’ve let that stop me. A couple of years ago, her bestie’s mom had a hissy fit with the news that I ‘allowed’ my daughter to have a glass of wine at Christmas dinner.  No shit.  She went Bat shit crazy.  She must have had some issues around alcohol to have a fit about ma kid having a bit of wine at a family dinner that she was not a part of and had no business commenting on.  Maybe she was drunk when she said that. Or had some bad crack. Some people can’t handle their liquor. Or their drugs.  Maybe she took the drugs BECAUSE  she was drunk…apparently that’s all the rage now.  AND, making ranty videos WHILE you’re drunk.  I think I should so do that.  It could make me a more famous drunkard that what I already am.   Either way, we kinda don’t talk…it’s a good thing.

I’ve been having conversations with myself all day, and it’s pretty freakin’ scary.  Most of the discussions have been religious based (not sure what that’s about) and I tuned in to watch Long Island Medium last night just to see the whole scam at work, when she was going to do a ‘past life regression’ session with her ‘spirit guide’.  I think I want to do that.  I wanna see what awesome past life I can reconnect with to freak people out at parties.  Maybe I was a saloon girl in the Wild West and helped Billy the Kid shoot up a couple of towns. Or maybe I was a business tycoon on Wall Street and was murdered because of my totally bad ass money making skills that resulted in the downfall of the Russian mob. Or maybe I was a spy that got turfed into the ocean when divulging secrets to the Americans and got caught by the mean Italian mafia who decided instead of shooting me, they would see if ma swimming skills were up to par.  Probs not.  Or, maybe I was a pirate.  Yeah!  That would be way more exciting and more accurate given my penchant for eye patches and alcohol.  Hmmm….

Yeah…maybe I was a directionally challenged pirate named Kevin and got lost out at sea and floated aimlessly for months, dying from starvation, scurvy and yukky sea gulls pelting at me, while I was searching for the lost treasure of Red Beard and his Angry Band of Asshats.  Excellent. 

Totally worth it if there’s a treasure map involved…I’ll let you know if I regress far enough to remember the map.  Of course I’ll get lost trying to follow the damn thing….

BEST PIRATE EVAH! Maybe me and Captain Jack taking on the high seas and Read Beard. AWESOME

BEST PIRATE EVAH!  Me and Captain Jack taking on the high seas and Read Beard. AWESOME

Joyful Santas and Gangsta Mags Are All The Rage, Yo!

Hello, there.  What’s new?  How have you been?  Read any good books lately?  Seen a good movie or two?  Me? Nah…I’ve been doing shit.  You know, getting shit done.  This and that.  Moving and grooving…I can’t be any more specific or I’ll have to keeeeeelllll you…or something.

Get the feeling I’m rambling?  Yeah, me too.  I’ve actually been painting.  Not walls, but I decided to take up my tole painting brush and start again.  After ten years of doing nothing at all, I thought painting some Christmas themed stuff would be fun!  Yeah.  Although ‘fun’ is not the word I would use, it has been productive and relaxing.

Of course, I decided to do this in October, so searching up for supplies has been a challenge.  Did you know that nobody tole paints anymore?  Or some people refer to it as Folk Art painting.  Whatever the fuck it’s called, NOBODY does it anymore… Who knew?  Ugh…leave it up to me to pick up a hobby that died out with troll babies and Ninja turtles.  But, they made a come-back, right?  So can I.

I dug out my paints in the bowels of the basement.  They are still encased in a large wooden crate that has been half painted.  I gave them all a shake and they were as good as new…almost.   I discovered that they don’t make the paint I used, so now I have to switch. The only problem is that all of the colors are different now.  So, search up handy-dandy conversion chart and now I have to mix and match new colors and buy the ones that I simply can’t create myself.

Santa that I painted...I like him even if he looks depressed.  Joy is not his name.

Santa that I painted…I like him even if he looks depressed. Joy is not his name.

 Joyful Santa here was done on canvas.  I really liked the way he turned out despite his cheery demeanor and purplish-alcoholic nose.  Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ more than a framed alcoholic Santa!  Yay me! I loved him so much, I made him a part of my mantel.

Now, I’m working on Santa number two also in canvas, but once that’s finished, I have to search out some new wooden material and that ain’t easy…(I can see you when you do that, “I GOT YOUR WOOD RIGHT HERE”    Yeah.) Maybe if I lop off a tree branch and sand it down I could have something to paint…Or, my fence would be good.  But Hubby would have to tear down part of it, dry it and bring it in so I could paint it…bit of a pain.  And the dog would escape and terrorize the ‘hood, so we can’t have Mags running loose.  She’s already got an attitude with her new sweaters…I bought her a hooded pink one.  She sorta looks like Missy Elliott now.  Scary.

Gangsta Mags...she's comin' at you, bro!

Gangsta Mags…she’s comin’ at you, bro!

 Next she’ll be doing gangsta rap and looking for a posse to hang with.  All the other dogs will want to join her and we’ll have Spike, Cooper, Reese, Max, Charlie, Hershey and of course, Special Needs Petey (He’s special)  and the leader Mags with their hooded sweaters and their swagger….the ‘hood has gone to the dogs…literally.

All that from a bit of painting…*sigh*   Anyways, my apologies for ma blogging buds for ma absence as of late.  I have been reading, just not commenting.  I will return when this painting urge/thing/obsession recedes a bit and I can get back to writing and reading and socializing and being my old annoying and sweary self.  I know…miss me, yet?

And if you see any troll babies around, throw one out ma way, will ‘ya?

My Pre-Menopausal Timeout

Last week, I went through my first foray into pre-menopause.  Okay guys, if you want to look away, I’m with you.  If I could look away, I would too.  We all hit the age of no return and it seems that I’ve hit that age.  With a vengeance.  My emotional state has been anything but stable.  By the time Saturday night hit, I was just coming out of what I can only refer to as my HOLY-FUCK-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-WRONG-WITH-THE-WORLD time.  It was like I became possessed. I couldn’t understand why everybody around me was so totally insane!  You want to borrow my car??!!  Why is there bird shit on my car?!!  What do you mean you can’t control the birds?!  Where’s the guy with the bb gun!  Let’s get him to shoot the birds who shit on ma car!! Yeah.

 AND, that was just ONE day.  I was Grumpy Cat, but without the fur.  I was sure there would be a knock on my door any minute and I would open it to find a priest with incense and Holy Water summoned to give me an exorcism.  Yes, it was that bad.

Kinda what I felt like that week...ugh.

Kinda what I felt like that week…ugh.

I’m a pretty even-keel kinda girl.  I can go with the flow and am pretty affable and easy going most of the time.  Last week, I was not that girl.  I moped, sulked and generally went through a “woe is me” kinda week.  Everybody has those days, BUT A WHOLE WEEK??!!  Come on…ugh.  If somebody asked me to do something for them they got a look…a stare down.  A ‘WHAT ARE YOU ASKING OF ME YOU LITTLE PLEEB?  CAN’T YOU SEE I’M HAVING A PISSY DAY AND WOULD RATHER SUCK LINT FROM THE DRYER HOSE THAN DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY RIGHT NOW??!!’ look.  Sometimes, I would reply a tad sarcastically.  I remember saying at one point “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS?  YOU GET HIT BY A CAR AND NOT TELL ME OR SOMETHING? CAN’T YOU GET IT?”  Yeah.  MOM OF THE YEAR is surely to be on a coffee mug destined to be thrown at my head any day now.  The fact that my family hasn’t moved out yet, is a testament to how much they love me…or how much they can’t do for themselves and know how fucking good they have it and need to stay because, afterall, who would MAKE SUPPER FOR THEM?!  See?  *breathe*

I began researching pre-menopausal symptoms and I’m pretty sure my face will be right next to the title of ‘MOOD SWINGS FROM HELL’.  I’m now the poster child for uncontrollable ups and raging-irate-crazy-mom downs.  My kids are so proud.  I’m sure they’re out telling all their friends how totally awesome I am. If anybody in my family survives this whole ride into craptastic-raging-

hormonal-shit-crappy-poop (now the official title.  Learn it. Use it. Embrace it) it’ll be because they don’t wish to starve and they are enjoying the witty banter that will surely ensue when something awesome happens to set me off like the dog chewing up a new piece of furniture.  Then they would be forced to watch in horror as I fling her out the back door to eat grass and yell “CHEW ON THAT FOR A WHILE!”   and then bawl because I was mean to the puppy and get all blubbery and mopy for the rest of the day.  Yes, that’s how it goes.  The dog will look at the rest of the fam like “That bitch be crazy, yo”  (because we all know that Mags talks like she is from the ‘hood) and the kids will nod sadly in her direction.  It’ll be like a scene from Les Mis From The ‘Hood.  This is working out to be epic, peeps.

After a weekend of wine and a lot (is that right, Archon? Not allot, or alot but, a lot? Yeah. I READ!!) of sleep, I think I’m on track to becoming back to semi-normal.    Or at least not ready to pitch puppies out a window and yell at babies for sleeping too loudly.  My kids on the other hand, may want to continue to tread lightly….

Cleaning The House 50’s Style

Angry-50s-Housewife-Butcher_0236C2C0

 

Inspired by H’s FB post asking for a good tip for a window cleaning agent.  I’m more worried about WHO will clean my windows as opposed to WHAT will clean them. 

Since I’m not the let’s-spend-the-entire-weekend-cleaning-the-house-top-to-bottom type, I’ve decided to do a little time traveling and ask an expert on how to keep a house super dee duper clean and tidy, without spending a wad full of ma precious wine-drinking time doing it. So meet Mave, the 50’s Housewife Domestic Goddess Trainer Extraordinaire. She has graciously agreed to come into the future with me and give me cleaning tips for the new-aged housewife that are designed to save me time and money. 

Session 1, the kitchen.  

 

 50’s Housewife Mave: Trying to get the grime off the oven? 

Me: Why? 

50’s Housewife Mave:  Because you can’t have people looking into your oven and seeing dirt. It’s disgusting and not very domestic-goddesslike.

Me: Shut-up, really?!  Dammit.  I don’t think anybody wants or needs to look into my oven.  Seriously, who wants to see the grime in there?

50’s Housewife Mave:  That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.  Anyway, you can clean the grime with a little elbow grease and spray oven cleaner.  Make sure you use your rubber gl-  HEY!

Me:  Okay, first off I have a self-cleaning oven so no spray oven cleaner crap.  Second, WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT SHIT?!

50’s Housewife Mave:  You have a WHAT?!  That thing cleans itself??!!  Well!  Okay.  AND, remember.  A lady never swears.  That’s for –

Me: So are we cleaning or giving me etiquette lessons?  Just so I’m clear…

Mave: NO need to be so rude.  Jeesh, are the women in this era so rude and crass?  Because…

Me: Ugh…I’m sorry, okay?  I’ll try to be more…demure.  How’s that?

50’s Housewife Mave:  Thank you.  AND why are you not wearing a dress? A woman always must look her best.  You never know when your husband is going to bring the boss home for dinner!  You should try to look your best at all times.  Can you please do something with your hair?

Me: Not so fast, June!  ‘Hubby’ is NOT going to EVER bring his boss home for dinner since technically he does not HAVE a boss.  It’s complicated, okay?  AND…A DRESS??!!  Seriously??  These yoga pants ARE dressy..at least for cleaning!  AND if Bestie was here, she would so totally agree with you but this is a discussion for another day.  Can we get back to the cleaning thing, please and discuss my grooming habits another time? Like when you’re no longer here….

50’s Housewife Mave: Hmph!  Who’s June?

Me:  Cleaver…you know, Leave it to Beaver.

50’s Housewife Mave: OH!  I love her! 

Me: Figures.  Now…the kitchen?

50’s Housewife Mave: Yes. Right. Well, since the oven takes care of itself magically, that leaves…WINDOWS.

Me: Really?  You get ‘windows’??  I would NEVER get windows. Floors maybe, even cupboards or the refrigerator, but NEVER windows.

50’s Housewife Mave:  We could do floors or that big thing you call a refrigerator if you want to..

Me:  NO!  No, this is uh, your show so let’s get to it.

50’s Housewife Mave:    Okay, so let’s get to those windows. Since the oven can clean itself don’t tell me those windows have automatic robot arms and spray and clean by themselves.

Me: No, unfortunately, those we have to do ourselves.  

50’s Housewife (looking a little too pleased with herself if you ask me): GREAT! Something I can sink my teeth into!  Now, take a bucket-

Me: A BUCKET?!   You mean the plastic one that I use to catch the kids vomit when they’re sick??!! Ewwww….I thought we were cleaning here.

50’s Housewife Mave: Uh, well preferably you have one that is for just cleaning…

Me: *silent confused look*

50’s Housewife Mave:  Ok.  Forget the bucket we’ll just use the sink!  So, grab some vinegar and mix in some water and a squeeze of a lemon and you have the perfect mixture to get those windows and all your glass sparkling!

Me: Man, you are just way too into this.  *sigh* Okay, great. Now the dog will be licking all the glass all the time.  Anything for dog-spit?

50’s Housewife Mave:  Animals should be placed outdoors in their doghouses.  Why is that, that, thing in here?!  No wonder your floors are a full of paw prints!  *takes a broom and starts to shoo Mags the Wonder Dog outside who thinks Mave is playing with her and begins to bite the broom.  A struggle ensues with Mags barking and chasing Mave around the kitchen like a kid chasing the ice-cream truck.*  GET THIS DOG AWAY FROM ME!!! 

Me:  HAHAHAHAHA…that’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen all day

50’s Housewife Mave:  GET HIM OFF ME!!

Me:  Uh, he is a her and if you stop running, she’ll stop chasing.  Besides…you’re messing up your hair and your dress is getting all askew. 

50’s Housewife Mave: *stops and brushes her hair out of her eyes and smoothes her dress.  Mags pants and waits for another game of chase the lady with the broom* Why are you laughing?  IT’S NOT FUNNY! 

Me:  Yes it is! Aww..poor Mave. You look stressed.  *gets the wine and pops it open and pours two glasses*  Here, drink this.

50’s Housewife Mave:  Wine in the afternoon?!  A lady never drinks before dinner!

Me:  Right now, Mave we aren’t ladies.  Just take a sip and breathe.

50’s Housewife Mave:  *eyes the glasses suspiciously*  Okay, maybe just a little sip.

Me:  Yeah.  How’s that?

50’s Housewife Mave:  *drains her glass* Fuck the windows, let’s have more wine!

Me: *pours another glass*  Mave, I like you. 

We clink glasses and finish off the bottle…a little dog spit never hurt anybody.

The Dikes

As a slang term, ‘dyke’ is the euphemism for a lesbian woman, thus ‘the dikes’ may imply a pair of lesbian women.  Not in this instance.  The dikes referred to a land mass located on the south side of town that served as a hedge for the Steele Park which was a short walk from my house, and the expanse of land on the opposite side, that served no particular purpose during the years of my childhood.  Steele Park had one lowly swing set, a hut that was used for the parks and recreation staff for arts and crafts in the summer, a picnic table, a tether ball pole and later a playground ensemble that no one could decipher or by what force of nature had put it there.  It was so convoluted an engineer would need instructions to figure it out. The summer park recreational program was fraught with arts and crafts sessions or latent walks to tour the local police station.  Touring the Chatham city police was always a highlight for the summer programs and it was especially great for those of us situated on the other side of those dikes.  Far enough to want a bus but close enough to force the kids to walk.  We were shown real jail cells with steel bars and given the speeches of crossing the street safely on a green light.  The highlight was always some kid getting invariably locked in a cell while the rest of us taunted him and debated his future prospects as aninmate.

 The park and rec staff took pity on us who attended the Steele park afternoon arts and crafts sessions, as our reputation for the ‘bad’ part of town preceded us.  Their activities were usually poorly organized since staff kept refusing to attend to our park out of fear or loathing or both. Those who did show up were ill prepared and we found them particularly boring, but they tried to engage as many of the smaller ones as possible.  Their ‘hut’ was a focus point for break-ins and more than once their supplies depleted by the wayward teens who found alternate uses for craft glue.

Filled with lush grass and large maple trees on the boundaries between the park and the adjacent houses, the park was a great sanctuary in the summer and a tobogganing heaven in the winter.  The dikes served as a nemesis for toboggan gods looking for the next big hill to conquer and conquer it we all tried. 

  Feathered with trees and spots of grass, the dikes was the perfect sledding haven with its slopey side rising at the end of the park, then reaching a steep pinnacle, only to incline haphazardly down the other side that, in the seventies, was inhabited by nothing but solid clay ground and dirt underneath a few feet of snow that had turned to a solid sheen of ice by the time the hundredth kid had taken his turn. The city later found that land as a perfect site to build a housing development.  New and upscale homes began to populate our favorite tobogganing hill.  Soon, instead of our sleds, inner tubes and crazy carpets sliding downhill to an empty expanse of hard land, if left unmanned or steered improperly, they now headed straight into some person’s backyard and newly constructed deck.  I’m not sure what housing developer saw large cash rewards for this stroke of genius, but I’m guessing his pie in the sky idea never took to the fruition he had hoped.  Those kids with the sleds landing in the upscale backyards of the new land owners, surely put a damper on the whole “paradise” idea.  Especially if a wayward kid had inexplicably managed to detach a fence post or garner a concussion from a flying Christmas decoration. 

One afternoon, a young friend who did not live in our neighbourhood asked to go tobogganing down the dikes with me.  Shy and new to outside invitations, I eagerly accepted.  I was wearing my quite unfashionable bright orange snow pants my mother had just bought that severely clashed with my dark brown long nylon coat that ‘covered your bum to keep you warm’.  As if I was worried about ass-warmth at the age of eleven. I was quite conscientious about my attire, and swore under my breath as I walked down to the park to meet her.  She was waiting for me when I arrived and I immediately noticed her matching skiing ensemble and the color rose in my cheeks.  Afraid she would notice my lack of fashion sense I steeled myself for a sarcastic remark.  She made no attempts at humor at my expense nor did she seem too concerned with the temperature of my ass.

The girl and I took to the hill with crazy carpets in hand.  Using a crazy carpet on a hill made of ice that sloped severely and littered with rocks and tree stumps, was something of a daredevil escapade about which we would later contemplate our sanity.  This journey into sledding horror proved a rite of passage, as it were, for the faint of heart and junior Evel Knievel among us.   It was also an excellent training ground for future emergency room medical staff and those destined to treat head traumas.

We made the journey to the edge of the park and tackled the dikes.  Our initial runs down the hill proved exhilarating and exhausting.  The long walk back up (which really, wasn’t that long it just seemed like forever with all that clothing on, which did keep my ass warm in case you were wondering) was taking an eternity and we decided to move to another portion of the hill to get more of an exciting and steeper ride, because nothing says ‘temporary paralysis’ better than flying down a hill at the speed of light with a slick sheet of bendable plastic under your ass and the wayward tree stump making you airborne for what seemed like minutes, then landing with a tailbone-crushing thump on a boulder the size of Quebec.   My friend took her turn and I watched first in joy, that later turned to horror as her crazy carpet hit a sheen of ice, propelling her down the hill at an alarming rate of speed,  beating her off a tree stump and soaring her out of my range of vision.  I took to my carpet and tried my best to keep my eyes open for the ride, but most of it was a blur.  I made it in one piece down to the other side of the hill to find her gasping for breath and crawling on her hands and knees. 

In school, we had taken some first aid lessons and learned the new procedure of the Heimlich maneuver.  A technique that was designed to assist a person severely choking on her ham sandwich or chicken bone and anything else she had erroneously decided to attempt to swallow.  This newfound life-saving technique was supposed to dislodge a wayward object from the victim’s throat by performing intrusive stomach-pumping motions with your fists as you bear-hug the victim from behind, whispering sweet-you’ll-be-all-rights in their ear as you pummel the shit out of them, thus, allowing them the ability to breathe freely once again.  Quite simple, really.

Seeing my friend crawling and gasping for breath, I suddenly remembered she had been chewing gum when we began tobogganing.  With the Heimlich presentation still fresh in my mind and thinking I could rescue my new friend with the greatest technique ever known to mankind, I took it upon myself to be her heroine. Rescue the would-be daredevil with precision medical attention and expert execution of a brand new technique.  I would be lauded as saving a young girl’s life.  Wait ‘til her mother finds out she was near-death, but with the life-saving Heimlich, I brought her precious daughter back to life and saved her from inevitable brain-damage or worse, death from the dikes.

I quickly darted for her and wrapped my arms around her so my fists were securely in her stomach and began thrusting in urgent motions.  She tore away from me and started yelling at me.  “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!”  Shocked, I backed away on the crunching snow and stared.  “I was saving you.  I thought you were choking” I replied a bit miffed that she didn’t appreciate my life-saving and quick-thinking first aid.  “I WASN’T CHOKING YOU DOPE!!  I GOT THE BLOODY WIND KNOCKED OUT OF ME.  STAY AWAY FROM ME!”  And with that, she took her crazy carpet and stomped back to the park.  I wandered home defeated, but still convinced the Heimlich could have saved her, if only she had let me.  No appreciation for the would-be life-saving first-aider in her midst.  We never went tobogganing together again.  I guess she was afraid of the whole ‘crazy girl with the orange pants thinks everybody is choking’ thing.  I hope somebody knew what he was doing when she found herself choking on her chicken wings one Friday night and I wasn’t there to put my mad stomach-pummeling fist-thrusting Heimlich-Maneuver skills to work to save her ass.  Meanwhile, my orange pants took a sabbatical and my crazy carpet was in the garbage the next day.  

I should point out Steele Park now looks nothing like it did when I was a kid.  Everything is gone but a climbing apparatus. The dikes look like a little incline with trees and a cemented path running through it and the ‘housing development’ spared the better part of the clay ground.  Instead, they covered it in sod and kept a field of green to have something pretty to look at instead of screaming daredevils careening towards their flower gardens.  Everything seemed so much more mountainous when I was four feet tall.