Inspired by H’s FB post asking for a good tip for a window cleaning agent. I’m more worried about WHO will clean my windows as opposed to WHAT will clean them.
Since I’m not the let’s-spend-the-entire-weekend-cleaning-the-house-top-to-bottom type, I’ve decided to do a little time traveling and ask an expert on how to keep a house super dee duper clean and tidy, without spending a wad full of ma precious wine-drinking time doing it. So meet Mave, the 50’s Housewife Domestic Goddess Trainer Extraordinaire. She has graciously agreed to come into the future with me and give me cleaning tips for the new-aged housewife that are designed to save me time and money.
Session 1, the kitchen.
50’s Housewife Mave: Trying to get the grime off the oven?
50’s Housewife Mave: Because you can’t have people looking into your oven and seeing dirt. It’s disgusting and not very domestic-goddesslike.
Me: Shut-up, really?! Dammit. I don’t think anybody wants or needs to look into my oven. Seriously, who wants to see the grime in there?
50’s Housewife Mave: That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you. Anyway, you can clean the grime with a little elbow grease and spray oven cleaner. Make sure you use your rubber gl- HEY!
Me: Okay, first off I have a self-cleaning oven so no spray oven cleaner crap. Second, WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT SHIT?!
50’s Housewife Mave: You have a WHAT?! That thing cleans itself??!! Well! Okay. AND, remember. A lady never swears. That’s for –
Me: So are we cleaning or giving me etiquette lessons? Just so I’m clear…
Mave: NO need to be so rude. Jeesh, are the women in this era so rude and crass? Because…
Me: Ugh…I’m sorry, okay? I’ll try to be more…demure. How’s that?
50’s Housewife Mave: Thank you. AND why are you not wearing a dress? A woman always must look her best. You never know when your husband is going to bring the boss home for dinner! You should try to look your best at all times. Can you please do something with your hair?
Me: Not so fast, June! ‘Hubby’ is NOT going to EVER bring his boss home for dinner since technically he does not HAVE a boss. It’s complicated, okay? AND…A DRESS??!! Seriously?? These yoga pants ARE dressy..at least for cleaning! AND if Bestie was here, she would so totally agree with you but this is a discussion for another day. Can we get back to the cleaning thing, please and discuss my grooming habits another time? Like when you’re no longer here….
50’s Housewife Mave: Hmph! Who’s June?
Me: Cleaver…you know, Leave it to Beaver.
50’s Housewife Mave: OH! I love her!
Me: Figures. Now…the kitchen?
50’s Housewife Mave: Yes. Right. Well, since the oven takes care of itself magically, that leaves…WINDOWS.
Me: Really? You get ‘windows’?? I would NEVER get windows. Floors maybe, even cupboards or the refrigerator, but NEVER windows.
50’s Housewife Mave: We could do floors or that big thing you call a refrigerator if you want to..
Me: NO! No, this is uh, your show so let’s get to it.
50’s Housewife Mave: Okay, so let’s get to those windows. Since the oven can clean itself don’t tell me those windows have automatic robot arms and spray and clean by themselves.
Me: No, unfortunately, those we have to do ourselves.
50’s Housewife (looking a little too pleased with herself if you ask me): GREAT! Something I can sink my teeth into! Now, take a bucket-
Me: A BUCKET?! You mean the plastic one that I use to catch the kids vomit when they’re sick??!! Ewwww….I thought we were cleaning here.
50’s Housewife Mave: Uh, well preferably you have one that is for just cleaning…
Me: *silent confused look*
50’s Housewife Mave: Ok. Forget the bucket we’ll just use the sink! So, grab some vinegar and mix in some water and a squeeze of a lemon and you have the perfect mixture to get those windows and all your glass sparkling!
Me: Man, you are just way too into this. *sigh* Okay, great. Now the dog will be licking all the glass all the time. Anything for dog-spit?
50’s Housewife Mave: Animals should be placed outdoors in their doghouses. Why is that, that, thing in here?! No wonder your floors are a full of paw prints! *takes a broom and starts to shoo Mags the Wonder Dog outside who thinks Mave is playing with her and begins to bite the broom. A struggle ensues with Mags barking and chasing Mave around the kitchen like a kid chasing the ice-cream truck.* GET THIS DOG AWAY FROM ME!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAHA…that’s the funniest fucking thing I’ve seen all day
50’s Housewife Mave: GET HIM OFF ME!!
Me: Uh, he is a her and if you stop running, she’ll stop chasing. Besides…you’re messing up your hair and your dress is getting all askew.
50’s Housewife Mave: *stops and brushes her hair out of her eyes and smoothes her dress. Mags pants and waits for another game of chase the lady with the broom* Why are you laughing? IT’S NOT FUNNY!
Me: Yes it is! Aww..poor Mave. You look stressed. *gets the wine and pops it open and pours two glasses* Here, drink this.
50’s Housewife Mave: Wine in the afternoon?! A lady never drinks before dinner!
Me: Right now, Mave we aren’t ladies. Just take a sip and breathe.
50’s Housewife Mave: *eyes the glasses suspiciously* Okay, maybe just a little sip.
Me: Yeah. How’s that?
50’s Housewife Mave: *drains her glass* Fuck the windows, let’s have more wine!
Me: *pours another glass* Mave, I like you.
We clink glasses and finish off the bottle…a little dog spit never hurt anybody.