Lose Your Jack

I was perusing Facebook last night and was surprised to see a post from a lady from our neighbourhood who was appalled and ‘disappointed’ that a pumpkin had gone missing from her front porch. Apparently, she was hoping some wayward homeless child picked it up and brought it home to treasure for Halloween, but lest, she was more taken with the thought that given the state of our ‘hood lately, it was probably stolen by some mischievous teens out for a good pumpkin-robbing time. The wording she used felt like she was saying our neighbourhood was falling into the skeet category of ‘hoods. The Compton of St. John’s. It was like she was comparing our white-bread middle class family oriented neighbourhood to 8mile.  In the spirit of neighbourly neighbourly-ness, I decided to write a little diddy using Eminem’s “upbeat” ‘hood inspiring song Lose Yourself in hopes she realizes the erroneous choices of words in her post. Or not. Whatevs, Yo.

Lose YourJack

Look

If you had

One shot

Or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted

Like a pumpkin

Would you capture that pumpkin?

Or just let it slip?

Yo.

His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy

With the burden of a pumpkin weighing his hoody

He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready

To pick jacks, but he keeps on forgettin’ the address

That he wrote down, the whole ‘hood goes so quiet

He opens his hoody but the jack won’t fit

It’s too round, times up, over, Splat!

Uh, oh, he dropped it, at the park. He needs another.

Oh, there goes Skeeter, he choked

He’s so scared but he won’t give up that easy. No

He won’t have it, he knows his whole back city’s ropes

It don’t matter, he’s dope. He knows that but he’s broke

The rules to the ‘hood jackin’ a jack, it ain’t right but he needs his cred

He better go capture another and hope it don’t pass him

 

You better lose that jack in the ‘hood, at the park

You don’t own it, you better never let them see

You take a pumpkin without asking, it ain’t fantastic

You gonna be known as a Skeet

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to throw

This jack to the ground, it comes once a year. You better…

 

The souls escaping, through this hole that is gaping

In the pumpkin, where the smile should have been

It’s gone. He smashed it. He knows he’s not askin’

He’s goin’ on to another.  

Jacks are easy to find. On the porches, in the backyards

He only needs one more.

He’s stealth. A monster. A Jackster of Jacks.

 

You better lose that jack in the ‘hood at the park

You don’t own it, you better never let them see

You take a pumpkin without asking, it ain’t fantastic

You gonna be known as a Skeet

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to throw

This jack to the ground, it comes once a year. You better….

 

There you have it, yo.  

Word.

Original lyrics to Lose Yourself by Eminem  

The porch of the skeet who stole the Jack O’Lantern. 

Advertisements

Confessions of a Chocoholic

SHARE?!!  I think not!

SHARE?!! I think not!

For centuries, chocolate has been portrayed as a natural luxury food. A treat that can only be consumed when broken hearted or stressed. For example, your fiancee just ran off with your maid of honour and you are feeling lost and abandoned. Instead of crying on your Mommy’s shoulder, however, you head to the nearest variety store and buy one hundred Mars bars to help ease the pain. After just one bite, you feel a bit better. Not ready to jump back into a relationship with the store owner’s son…but, not really wanting to throw yourself from the nearest bridge, either. Your blood sugar has evened out. Your mood has improved. You no longer feel the need to be all stabby…your best friend is not so lucky, but it can’t cure EVERYTHING. Scientific fact.
Example two – your boss just landed a huge project on your desk – due tomorrow. What do you do? Why head to the nearest vending machine and throw every quarter you have into it and buy all the chocolate you can find, of course. You sit pie-eyed eating mounds of chocolate hoping one iota of an idea can enter your wee brain before it explodes into a dark chocolate haze. That idea comes slowly at first, then in a wave of undeniable clarity, an idea springs forth from the depths of your magical imagination that is sure to make you the boss’ pet. You type the best proposal in a wild moment of such intellectual fortitude the likes of which you have never seen before. The serotonin in your brain has just had a metaphorical kick in the ass, and you are on the fast track to partnership. Scientific fact.
The wonder drug?
Chocolate.
You betcha.
There’s something about chocolate that eases my pain, or takes away that bit of grief or stress that often hounds me. It has a magical property that I just can’t live without. Maybe it’s the high sugar content; maybe it’s the caffeine; or maybe it’s just a wicked combination of both to which I’m addicted. Either way, I can’t help myself and fall a victim to its power… daily.
Chocolate has become sexy, have you noticed? Any commercial advertising a chocolate bar or the tiniest square of chocolate, has a sexy model with deep red lipstick, licking her lips and staring sensually at the camera. I realize, we all wear out lipstick when we eat chocolate and go around licking our lips because of its deliciousness, but I hesitate to think it as any type of aphrodisiac…but maybe it is. Maybe in some ancient time, chocolate was considered such a rare type of magical treat, that women used it to ‘get their man’. Maybe Cleopatra seduced Mark Antony by putting chocolate in his drink, or slipping him a bite here and there…
Since this post is titled “Confessions” I must confess the lengths I would go to get me some chocolate goodness…So, here:
I eat the chocolate chips right out of the bag. There is no chance any cookies or baked goods will contain chocolate chips unless you buy them and immediately use them. Truth.
I stash bags of chocolate in my car glove compartment for emergencies… like driving.
I keep quarters in a Styrofoam coffee cup on my desk for times when I have to make an emergency run to the chocolate almond vending machine…like three o’clock every afternoon.
Halloween used to be my fave time of year…until all my kids grew up and now don’t go trick-or-treating. Now, I buy extra treats knowing I’ll have some left over after the big night. Unless I leave Hubby in charge as I head to the neighbours for a drink or three, and he happens to find it and gives it away to the last few trick-or-treaters who come to the door.
Dammit!
Christmas is right around the corner and I am confident that there will be some chocolate goodness in ma stocking…or under the tree for me. It’s pretty much a given.
There are no lengths I will not go to get a bit of chocolate sweetness, so next time you have a sweet treat around…watch out. I could be following the scent….

TRUTH!!

TRUTH!!