Christmas is over and packed away.  January is winding down and the dreaded month of February is rearing its ugly head.  NO ONE likes February.  There is nothing magical or lovely about it.  Oh sure, there’s Valentine’s Day but that’s brief and fleeting and overly annoying.  February is fraught with unpredictable weather (at least here) and blue moods, and muddy porches and dirty windows and bone chilling cold.  What exactly is there to like?  Even the dog can’t stand February.  It’s too cold to go outside to pee, she is cranky that she can’t get in her walks, and she gives me that sidelong look when I try to get her to play.  At all.  It’s like she’s too tired to even lift her head from a pillow and why would I even suggest she chase that stupid ball?!  

DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S FEBRUARY?!  

It’s like I’m being ridiculous for even mentioning life goes on and it’s worth trying to make the best of it, isn’t it?  

NO. NO IT ISN’T.  IT’S FEBRUARY.

The least favourite of the more popular months, February is like the annoying relative that nobody likes and dreads him arriving to any family gathering.  It’s like the other 11 months are sitting around the dinner table all reveling in their own positive energy, and then HE walks in. 

  December is sitting merrily at the table holidaying it up and drinking eggnog.  January is still recovering from ringing in the new year while December happily hands him water and Ibuprofen, all the while Jan tries to keep up with all the resolutions he said he was going to make but didn’t bother because there was just. Too. Much. Wine.  March is sitting stoically playing with his green beans because he is both feared and loved.  The older generation is adhering to the “Beware the Ides of March,” bullshit and the younger ones are readying the beer kegs for March break.  Duuudddde. April is laughing hysterically at the other end of the table about the first day for all the foolish pranks, the rain that will undoubtedly ensue and the whole Easter Bunny thing that brings both chocolate AND trauma to children’s lives. Then he turns to May and starts talking smack about how one affects the other.  “There would be no flowers without my showers, you idiotic twat!”   May sits and laughs because there’s Queen Victoria’s birthday and the traditional May 2-4 weekend which brings yet another camping extravaganza.  Duuuude.  June is warming up to July and August who all sit glowing in their inner warmth and bestowing happiness and rainbows to September, who has hit menopause.  Her hot flashes give way to cold snaps.  One minute she’s too hot and the next she needs a sweater.  October is chillin’ it and scaring the crap out of November with a Jack-o’-lantern he just carved while eating a turkey leg and November resumes her knitting of a beautifully multi-coloured blanket of red, gold and orange.  There they are sitting waiting for HIM to walk in.  Finally, the door swooshes open with a blast of wintry frost and in strides February, soaked with freezing icicles dripping from his nose, his face blue with depression and a random red cinnamon heart stuck to his chest.  He takes a seat, his hands shaking from the cold.  

Everyone stops what they are doing and stares.  “Oh.  You’re here” they say.  “Yeah.  What’s for dinner?” says February.  And then he starts, “Hey, Janus are you STILL hungover?!  HAHAHA!!   Pass the beans, March, don’t hog them.  Hey, October that’s one ugly whattya-callit?  A Jack-O’lantern? Who’s Jack anyway? What a stupid name for a pumpkin. Couldn’t you come up with something a little more original, like Febrarius? That’s a great name!” 

“Why would I name something after you?” October flushes with a crimson hue and stabs his fork into his corn.

“Because I’m lovely. The loveliest of all the months. I’m the month of love. Everyone LOVES me, hehehe.” 

“Love is a strong word…” mumbles November, who continues knitting and pulls her shawl around her shoulders. February throws her a dirty look, smiling through his obvious irritation. 

“Thought you were gone turkey shooting or something down south. Don’t Americans love you?” 

November shrugs off the comment, with a, “it’s their month,” taking a bite of her pumpkin pie. 

February continues down the table. 

“Geezuz, JuneJulyAugust, can’t you three stop all the happiness and sunshine and rainbows bullshit?!   IT’S A BIT MUCH DON’T YOU THINK?”  

“We think you could use a bit of sunshine your way, Feb. You are blowing a lot of unnecessary cold air around the room. We’re doing our best to keep our friends warm,” says July, her Canadian flag encompassing her chest.

“Yeah, well it’s a little hot in here. Maybe you could cool it a little, then people wouldn’t be so down on me for keeping the temps at a nice frosty dampness. Grey is the new yellow, you know,” he scoffs and stuffs a forkful of potatoes into his mouth. 

“Hey little brother, I can’t wait to see what nonsense you bring this year! Got any snowstorms or torrential rain in your pockets?” February snarls, slapping March on the back. 

“We’ll see…” says March ominously, side-eyeing April with a wan smile.

“Nope,” says April. “Not playing your game this year, March. I’m thinking a smooth transition with warm temps and light winds…” April closes her eyes and visualizes a harmonious month. March scoffs and throws a pea at her face. It ricochets off her forehead and lands with a thump on her plate. Appalled, she throws a handful of green beans that fall flat against his face, smearing his cheek in butter. She smiles and resumes her visualizing techniques. May jumps up.

“Stop that! How crude! Can’t we have one dinner where we are civil to each other?” She stands admonishing Feb and March for being disruptive and April for responding to their childishness.  December takes that as an invitation and tosses a spoonful of mashed potato smacking May squarely in the face. 

“Bullseye!” shouts February. What ensues next can only be described as a food fight for the ages. Months were covered in various amounts of mashed potatoes, butter and even cranberry sauce that dripped conspicuously from November’s chin. Not a surface was left untouched. February was delighted by the fight and did the most damage. May remained beside herself with disgust at the behaviour of all the months and vowed to dispense a random snowfall if they all didn’t get themselves together. February scoffed.

“Yeah, like that’s news. Come on May, we were just letting off a bit of steam. Lighten up.” 

“I assure you February, I am light enough. I’m leaving. You all can clean up this mess. It won’t be me.” They all startled at the slamming of the door behind her. 

February laughed and began picking up the plates. November organized the cleaning of the table and JuneJulyAugust set in washing dishes. Soon, the mess was cleaned and the kitchen was organized. They left one by one.  When it came right down to it, they were family.

  “Gaawwwdd, did you guys SEE the amount of ICE I brought to the party??!!  It’s EPIC!” February exclaimed as he shut the door behind him.