Last night was grocery night.  A veritable joyous occasion and of course I head to the mecca of all shopping locations, Costco.  There is NO good time to arrive at Costco unless it’s in the middle of a raging snowstorm and the population has decided not to endure the trek and remain home in their cozy houses snug as a bug.  Since we live around the corner, it’s hardly a trek but it is a royal ass-pain when it’s blocked to the gills with ‘out-of-towners’ who flock to their doors like the world is ending the next day and they HAVE TO HAVE the package of 12 toothbrushes for mega-sale price of $12.99. Not to mention the 100 rolls of toilet paper and the 50 pack of batteries.  Since it’s the ONLY Costco location in the province, we locals do have our ‘special’ visitation times.  Dinner hour is the most opportune, hence my decision to hit it forthwith.  I like that word ‘forthwith’…it’s a cop word.  “Boscorelli, I need a bus forthwith!”  Yeah.

Of course, I wind up with the ‘special needs’ cart.  You know the one.  The misshapen rusted bucket of steel with the wonky wheel that heads in the totally opposite direction in which I want to go and it seems to swing at total random times forcing me to apologize to every other person the cart rear ends.  Yeah, that one.  That’s the one I get EVERY TIME.  It’s like it has a homing device on me and locks me into its path the second I step into the doors.   ‘Oh, look SHE’S here.  SHE’LL take me’. Ugh.  AND now, my eyes are giving me sauce, so I look like Mr. Magoo trying to figure out the aisles and what’s down each of them with my cart haphazardly banging into shelves and people at an alarming rate.   My squinted gaze at the deodorant aisle only heightened my attractive gait as I swung my cart to the left, meaning to go right and narrowly missing an old couple with a cart full of toothbrushes.  I guess those were for the visiting grandkids every weekend…. I thought they were going to call security on me until I swung the cart around towards the bedding aisle and crashed into the shelves of duvet covers and down filled pillows.  Nice save, Rogue.  I rock.

I managed to end the painful shopping experience in under thirty so headed home before I counted any further casualties from the assault-cart.  I think people were grateful for my less-than-graceful departure.  I believe I even swore a couple of times in the presence of youngsters…they didn’t look shocked so I’m thinking Mommy and Daddy have encountered the ravaged ‘special needs’ cart a few times themselves….I unbagged my groceries a little while later to find a few items I didn’t realize I bought.  WTF do I need a package of 12 toothbrushes for?  I bet that old grandpa threw that in there when I wasn’t looking!  He had a shifty look to him….Dammit……

Anybody need a toothbrush? Apparently I have enough for a small African village.