So, Friday was Halloween and we celebrated the day by trying desperately to look cool whilst looking like office workers wearing hats. Which is what we were. Until some guy walked in and we had a difficult time deciding if he was wearing a costume or if he actually looked like that. He had a mustache, hat and glasses…so does one always wear mustache, hat and glasses or was it a Halloween costume? Was he trying to confound and confuse us into thinking he didn’t normally look like that, but since Friday was Halloween and everybody looked unusual anyway, ( I mean we were wearing hats) he fit right in? That’s what I’m going with. I wish I had had a mustache, hat and glasses so that I could have made him feel even more at home…next year I’ll be more prepared.
While I am attempting to squash my asshole-like tendencies by being pleasant and over-the-top-helpful-bordering-on-strange-creepy-and-sorta-awkward, I have amassed a list of tips to avoid asshole-like behaviours so you too, can be over-the-top-helpful and borderline strange and creepy.
You. Are. Welcome.
1. People tend to not enjoy negative comments like “you suck” and “stop being so annoying”. I realize this may be a news flash for some, but try to employ a bit of tact when telling somebody you’d rather have a mouthful of wasps than be in their company. Phrases like “I realize you probably suffered some childhood trauma that makes you such an asshole, but please try to be more cooperative” are pretty good. Also, labelling the behavior is a good way to tell someone what they are doing is not so appropriate. “You are yelling and your opinion is not important enough to me to matter” is a great way to be specific. Go You!

2. When Grumpy McGrumperston arrives at your door to bring all kinds of negative shit your way, I find being the total opposite is a wondrous adventure in both movie trivia and ‘how crazy can I become for the sake of making a point’. For example, when a certain someone decided that I was being totally unreasonable in my expectations to at least attempt at cleaning a room, and became a version of Grumpy Cat 2.0, I went all Mary Poppins on her ass and had a grand time! Singing “Spoon Full of Sugar” with a British accent whilst twirling around with the dog in my arms proved to be an alarming yet effective means of avoiding any kind of conversation whatsoever. It also proves that kids nowadays have no sense of old Disney movies and who in the hell Julie Andrews is, OR the value of a good British accent.

3. Remember, employing the ‘obviously’ word in a snide Snape-like tone tends to be a real turn-off for members of the opposite sex when they’ve made an observation that you made a few days ago. It’s often better to nod and smile…then laugh hysterically behind their backs after they leave the room. That way they won’t see how much more intelligent you are. It’s better to say something useful about the weather when they’ve returned and you have gotten up off the floor. See how considerate you are?!

4. Apparently, using the phrase “Fuck you” is not a constructive way to handle conflict. I know it came as a shock to me, too. When the need arises to use such filthy language, use this instead: “I have come to the realization that speaking with you any further can only lead to angry outbursts, thus I will only communicate with you in mime.” I think no further explanation of this point is necessary.

There you have it. Four useful Tips In How Not to Be a Total Douche in Public. I should start on the manual. It could be a bestseller…