Last week, I went through my first foray into pre-menopause. Okay guys, if you want to look away, I’m with you. If I could look away, I would too. We all hit the age of no return and it seems that I’ve hit that age. With a vengeance. My emotional state has been anything but stable. By the time Saturday night hit, I was just coming out of what I can only refer to as my HOLY-FUCK-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-WRONG-WITH-THE-WORLD time. It was like I became possessed. I couldn’t understand why everybody around me was so totally insane! You want to borrow my car??!! Why is there bird shit on my car?!! What do you mean you can’t control the birds?! Where’s the guy with the bb gun! Let’s get him to shoot the birds who shit on ma car!! Yeah.
AND, that was just ONE day. I was Grumpy Cat, but without the fur. I was sure there would be a knock on my door any minute and I would open it to find a priest with incense and Holy Water summoned to give me an exorcism. Yes, it was that bad.
I’m a pretty even-keel kinda girl. I can go with the flow and am pretty affable and easy going most of the time. Last week, I was not that girl. I moped, sulked and generally went through a “woe is me” kinda week. Everybody has those days, BUT A WHOLE WEEK??!! Come on…ugh. If somebody asked me to do something for them they got a look…a stare down. A ‘WHAT ARE YOU ASKING OF ME YOU LITTLE PLEEB? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M HAVING A PISSY DAY AND WOULD RATHER SUCK LINT FROM THE DRYER HOSE THAN DO ANYTHING FOR ANYBODY RIGHT NOW??!!’ look. Sometimes, I would reply a tad sarcastically. I remember saying at one point “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS? YOU GET HIT BY A CAR AND NOT TELL ME OR SOMETHING? CAN’T YOU GET IT?” Yeah. MOM OF THE YEAR is surely to be on a coffee mug destined to be thrown at my head any day now. The fact that my family hasn’t moved out yet, is a testament to how much they love me…or how much they can’t do for themselves and know how fucking good they have it and need to stay because, afterall, who would MAKE SUPPER FOR THEM?! See? *breathe*
I began researching pre-menopausal symptoms and I’m pretty sure my face will be right next to the title of ‘MOOD SWINGS FROM HELL’. I’m now the poster child for uncontrollable ups and raging-irate-crazy-mom downs. My kids are so proud. I’m sure they’re out telling all their friends how totally awesome I am. If anybody in my family survives this whole ride into craptastic-raging-
hormonal-shit-crappy-poop (now the official title. Learn it. Use it. Embrace it) it’ll be because they don’t wish to starve and they are enjoying the witty banter that will surely ensue when something awesome happens to set me off like the dog chewing up a new piece of furniture. Then they would be forced to watch in horror as I fling her out the back door to eat grass and yell “CHEW ON THAT FOR A WHILE!” and then bawl because I was mean to the puppy and get all blubbery and mopy for the rest of the day. Yes, that’s how it goes. The dog will look at the rest of the fam like “That bitch be crazy, yo” (because we all know that Mags talks like she is from the ‘hood) and the kids will nod sadly in her direction. It’ll be like a scene from Les Mis From The ‘Hood. This is working out to be epic, peeps.
After a weekend of wine and a lot (is that right, Archon? Not allot, or alot but, a lot? Yeah. I READ!!) of sleep, I think I’m on track to becoming back to semi-normal. Or at least not ready to pitch puppies out a window and yell at babies for sleeping too loudly. My kids on the other hand, may want to continue to tread lightly….