It seems my strategy for becoming independently wealthy whilst maintaining a hip and glorious exterior, just may be a pipe dream destined for a new plumbing job. I continue to badger folks about ma superb ability with wordy wordiness and drawn-out explanations of how shit works, but I keep getting responses akin to crickets sounding off in the distance. It’s a tad disheartening and ego-busting at the same time.
I wrote a requested ‘creative’ email to one company in Vancouver who were looking for a blogger. “Hey!” I thought erroneously to myself, “I blog. I can so do that”. The requirement for said email was to be ‘creative’. Probs a bad proposition to plop in front of a long-winded blogger who thinks the word ‘fuck’ is in the dictionary and should be used as often as possible. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But, KJ. You didn’t ACTUALLY use that in your ‘creative’ professional email, did you?”
Let me be clear.
When one requests a ‘creative’ email, one receives ma personal version of ‘creative’….no, I did not use the ‘f’word in my email…but I was reeeeaaalllly tempted.
I did, however, manage to ramble on about stuff that said company may or may not have found amusing. Here’s the goods in its not-so-professional-not-so-entirely self:
“In response to your advertisement regarding a blog writer, you requested a creative email. The parameters for ‘creative’ seems vague, so I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s pretty much open to interpretation. I’m thus, interpreting ‘creative’ as saying anything I can in a not-so long-and-drawn-out manner as to bore you into flinging pencils at the wall or pretending to read when really you’re thinking about the hockey game last night or the episode of The Walking Dead that was awesome. I don’t really watch the show, but apparently it’s great. I’m more of a Big Bang Theory or Crime-show-without-the-pretentious-attitude kind of girl. Information you can store for later. You. Are. Welcome.
As for blog writing, I have a new and improved site. I recently just revamped my entire blog, giving it a fresh new look and feel. It’s like a spring cleaning without all the dust and annoying window-cleaning. I hate window-cleaning about as much as I am opposed to Celine Dion singing in front of an audience. Anywhere.
If you’re still reading this email and haven’t thrown your screen out your window, I applaud your patience and obvious need for closure. It could be an OCD thing or you just really have a lot of time on your hands. Either way, I’m grateful and a little blushy from all this attention.
You really want to know why I think I write good blogs? Mainly, because I have the ability to entertain, enlighten and cause traffic jams in one full run-on sentence. I can also levitate and balance my puppy on my head whilst singing Oh Canada. It’s a gift.
Thanks for your attention and happy reading!”
How can they not hire me??!!
I think cover letters and professional emails could be me next on my list of “shit I should stay away from”.