Life Lessons I Learned From Poker

Never bet on these...proven bad luck.

Never bet on these…proven bad luck.

This weekend, SLS Couples Poker night was held.  Quite an ostentatious event complete with fake birthday cake and everything!  As I was sitting there drinking ma margaritas and playing some semblance of a poker hand, I realized one very important thing.  The stuff needed to play decent poker, is the same stuff one needs to wander down life’s little escapade into fundom.  Here are some of those deep life-affirming thoughts one has during a regular poker tournament among friends.   And the phrase  “No crying over spilt beer” should be embroidered on a pillow….

Bullies are everywhere.  It’s how you react to them that matters.  If you stand your ground, they tend to back down.  If you stand up and they still beat you, take heart.  Even if they win the battle, they don’t usually win the war.

Bluffing usually only works with people who don’t know you very well.  You can probably tell somebody anything and they’ll believe you just because they don’t have any prior experience or knowledge of you to look back on.  Once that’s established, bluffing/ lying is off the table. 

A good poker face goes a long way.  Keep neutral and you can pretty much get through anything.  Show your ‘hand’ and people will try to manipulate the shit out of you…well, some people will.

Thinking is a part of everything.  Always think before you act and try to think about what the other person is thinking.  Think about thinking and others will think of you as a thinker and will underestimate your ability to act.  It’s a bit confusing, but if you really think about it, it makes perfectly good sense.  At least it did after five margaritas. 

Go with your gut.  Usually your gut instinct is the best.  If the situation doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t.  If it feels like it could be the best case scenario, then go for it.  Your gut is usually right. 

Don’t underestimate the power of luck.  Some say luck has everything to do with success and I’m kinda in line with those people.  A little bit of luck can lead you in a very positive outcome…so can a little bit of alcohol and chocolate, but that’s a different story.

Strategy only goes so far.  A good strategic plan can set you on a goal-attaining mission that enables you to harbor success and fulfill all your wildest dreams…until somebody comes along and fucks it all up.  That’s when strategies tend to fall apart and you end up with an empty margarita glass and little left in your ante.  Strategies need to remain flexible and be ready for the unexpected pitfalls of the shit disturbers.  Stay the course and remain resilient.  Those SDs are only there to party and throw a wayward arrow at the bulls-eye on your back.  They got nothin’….

Most people think poker is a ruthless, merciless game only fit for the shrewd and sly among us…but throw in a bunch of drunk, carefree ladies and it’s up for grabs.  Tradition goes out the window and everybody scrambles to find the common ground and ANYTHING that remotely resembles logic, common sense or rationale.  Don’t miss the obvious and take it for what it’s worth…fun.  Play with gusto, take the risks and watch your back.   

It’s all really just a big poker game….

 

Wait...What?  Yeah, I don't get it either....

Wait…What? Yeah, I don’t get it either….

 

 

 

 

Swimming in the Past

I wasn’t going to post any creative writing junk on this site, but I had nothing else to say right now since everything is crazy and people are crazy and you’re out of order and I’m out of order and the vending machine is fucking out of order!!!  So, here is an excerpt of a story I have been working on. It’s a bit flowery, or something.    Read it.  Breathe it.  Live it. Lament the end of summer.  Send cookies. 

KJ

 

I can hear the rustle of the reeds outside my bedroom window.  The warm breeze sends them into a hazy dance of bent bodies and extended arms.  The darkness signals night, but I am too restless to sleep.  I snuggle deeper under the bedclothes in search of comfort, my eyelids becoming heavier every inch I delve.  I listen intently to the reeds, their music lulling me into a gentle song I know will eventually be my undoing.  I try to stare up at the beamed ceiling, its dark cedar creating ominous shapes in the dark, but my eyelids flutter in protest. I turn to look at my bedroom door, painted a faded white and chipping from the summer humidity and the daily lake- watered towels drooping from atop the corner. 

 The little cottage creaks with adult noises outside my door.  The wooden floorboards heavy with grown-up steps making their way to the glassed porch to watch the night sky turn a deeper twilight as the stars reflection bounce upon the lake water or the television declare an evening news program to be concluding for the night.  I imagine they are sitting together on the little settee, having their late night drink thankful the kids are finally tired and tucked in for the night.  I long to join them, my bare feet padding along the floorboards and snuggling in between them, my head resting on her shoulder, but I dare not move.  I know they will not be upset as much as they would be worried.  Are you sick? They would ask.  Do you have a headache? They would be concerned.  My fair skinned body out in the summer sun all day; in the rolling waves tumbling atop the inflated inner tube my brothers and I pranced and jumped day after day.  Sunstroke, they would think.  Fever, they would fear.  Sunburn, they would lament.  But no, even in the days when sunscreen was unheard of, they took expert care that my fair skin would not burn hidden furtively under a cotton t-shirt, and my face shaded under a sunhat placed securely on my strawberry blond head.  I remained sheltered from swarming mosquitoes, my little body hidden inside the concave of his jacket as we ran along the dusty path during a dusk evening. Saved from myself as I was shuffled hurriedly indoors following an invitation to a young skunk by a singing of ‘here, kitty, kitty, kitty’. 

Fast forward thirty years and I wish I could go back to those long hot summer days.  We would walk bare foot along the stones to the path leading us to the dilapidated shed where the bikes were stowed away.  We would run down to Lake Ontario, our bathing suits clinging to our bodies, the frigid water sending us into tides of joy and near hypothermia, blissfully unaware of any temperatures cooler than the hot sun beating down upon our necks or the dripping ice cream cones we slurped in an afternoon meant for laundry.  I remember being embarrassed that I had been stripped down to my underwear at the local laundry mat waiting for our clothes to wash, but treated to an air hockey game and ice cream at the local variety store as if to make up for the public display of my flowery pink underwear.  That was an Ontario summer.  Full of water, sand, sun and cool nights with the reeds outside my bedroom window singing me to sleep in the little cottage that held all of us tightly in its embrace for a few short precious weeks.     

cottage

 

This is How The Universe Repays Kindness, Apparently

The universe is enjoying my sudden generous spirit and has decided to kick my ass for it.  I thought I would dispense some good cheer early this morning by helping out a fellow coffee connoisseur, and this is how the program ‘payback-for-nerds’ works.

: I get a parking ticket…I could go into further detail but I would have to commit Hari Kari and that would be a Japanese faux pas.  Maybe.  I think.  I’m not up on Japanese faux pas, so I really can’t say.  I’m totally guessing.

: I had to cancel my dentist appointment that I had previously cancelled due to my being out of the country and all, only this time it was to escort D2 to an all important job interview with Target, who said the interview would last for like 2 hours, but really only lasted long enough for me to fly back to work, attain said parking ticket and fly back to get her.  Awesome, really.  And the lady on the Dentist office phone was kinda bitchy at me and all “why are you cancelling this time and on such short notice?” and I was all like “I have a really important meeting I can’t get out of” which really, was sort of the truth with a side of fries.  Kind of. Karate.  Thought I’d throw in a Japanese word to just confuse you and distract you from my obvious little tiny lie…I guess it could be classed as “white”.  Not sure why it would be white, really.  What if it was a little black lie? Or blue?  Or maybe fuchsia?  Yeah, fuchsia…definitely a pretty pink lie.  White is totally boring….who tells a boring white lie?  Ugh..if you’re gonna lie, totally commit to it and make it a vibrant pink!  I guess now, I’m endorsing lying…I’m an awesome mother.  All the kids say so.  What a role model!  “Kids, if you’re gonna lie, make it big, bold and beautiful!”   I think that’s my new motto/slogan/life credo. 

The pink hearts really bring home the 'lying needs commitment' theme

The pink hearts really bring home the ‘lying needs commitment’ theme

:  the air conditioning at work decides to be a temperamental menopausal bitch and work only if it feels like it and only if you say please and buy it cold caramel cappuccino with extra whip cream on top…. on this surprisingly humid day in September, which is odd for our province this time of year.  It totally throws a wrench into the obvious plan for the heating system to be booted up and ready to blast copious quantities of heat to every nook and cranny in the building, except of course, for my office.  I’m stoking firewood for the winter.  S’MORES!!  

: My digestive system decided to hit it into high gear sending me dashing awkwardly to the washroom every ten minutes…mid sentence or not, I was ‘on the go’….people were left baffled by my quick exits and others were wondering how I knew so much about the cleaning habits of the washroom attendant and which stall had an alarming lack of paper.  It was during one of these dashes that I spied the toothpaste splashes on my top and attempted the ill-fated water mark disaster.   See below….

: I erroneously decided to wear a deep purple top, which would normally be lovely except for the toothpaste splashes adorning the top portion of said lovely top.  It looked like I walked through a screen door that had been coated in white paint.  In my attempts to correct said Fashion Faux pas, I quickly smeared water over the dots which left a big dark stain that stretched ever so slightly downward, encompassing my entire right boob.  It looked like I’d been lactating for quadruplets.  I rock.

I should try to remember that wearing purple can be iffy

I should try to remember that wearing purple can be iffy


 

Helpful Tips To Survive The Impending Arrival of School As Mothers Everywhere Collectively Sigh

back-to-school-pdt

As school approaches, some young ones are entering the halls of academia with bated breath and a full back pack with shit nobody needs. Parents watch, teary eyed as their son or daughter board the crammed school bus teaming with like-minded juveniles waiting to trade sandwiches and securing the best seat for the rest of the year, all the while thinking their teacher is going to resemble the wicked witch of the west and be the meanest thing since Gordon Ramsay yelled “Get the hell outta ma kitchen!” 

IN my house, my youngest son is entering his last year of junior high.   It seems like he’s been there forever.  D2 is starting University and is quaking in her proverbial rubber boots and D1 is beginning nursing school.  She seems to have grasped the phrase “shit-wiper” very well.  Ahhh…the future looks very interesting for ma brood…

In starting the school year off right, I thought I would dispense some tips to assist with all the scheduling, fighting, crying and air-punching that may occur in the coming days…and with the kids’ having to watch us do all those things. Yeah.   Let’s not forget the kids.  It’s not always about you.  Geesh.

1.     *It pays to pay.  That’s right. Pay somebody to get all the school supply shit that your kids need so you can spend more time shopping for important things like wine.  And, shoes to wear to the 10 minute parent’s meetings at report card time.  ‘Cause really, what else are you gonna talk about to the twenty-something teacher just out of university and worried about going to the bar on Friday night with her boyfriend?  Pfft…

2.     *Don’t stress about what ‘other’ parents are giving their kids for lunch.  Throw caution to the wind and give them the healthy non-allergenic, peanut-free, organic, sugar-free, soy-based, gluten free shit we all grew up on and loved.  That leaves a tossed salad with fat free dressing and an apple.  YUMMY!  Don’t forget the tofu cookie with carob chips!  A kid’s gotta have some fun.

3.     *  Fashion…where’s Stacy London when you need her?  The kids are concerned about shit that we have no clue existed and NEED us to buy it for them.  It’s like our God-given duty as parents to wander the earth in search of the latest this or that to make them look…like what exactly?  Like a super-model from California?   Puhleeease.  Throw them a pair of jeans from Walmart and tear off the dreaded George label, affix one you made with pieces of fabric from hand-me-downs that their cousin gave you like a dozen weeks ago and voila!  An instant ‘new designer’ label from New York that the Olsen twins endorse, and you bought off the internet that ONLY YOUR KID has.  She thinks you’re fucking awesome and you get the Mom of the Year Award for Originality and Creativity. Win- Win!  You rock!

4.     * Homework…we all know this sucks royally, but the kids have to do it.  So let’s all take a breath before submitting to the dreaded homework duty like an addict before random drug trials, and take stock in knowing that homework will NEVER go away.  And besides…we all have Friday drink nights to kill a few more brain cells, so when we do go back to assisting our kids with the homework, we can answer honestly that we have no fucking clue how to do any of the math they have placed in front of us.  Google it, kid.  It’s the new encyclopedia. 

I hope you have all found these tips useful in the coming days.

Good luck and good schooling.

May the bus be early, the clothes be clean and everybody be smiling so mommy can get back to her shit, because really…it IS all about us. 

He's probably sitting at the back of the bus. Good thing.

He’s probably sitting at the back of the bus. Good thing.

 

 

Walking From Zombies Would Be So Much More Fun If There Were Actual Zombies Following Me

  Since my knee has been giving me trouble, I have been relegated to walking instead of running.  In response to this downward spiral of activity, my body has rebelled by gaining pounds (I’ll not say how many, but it’s akin to a cute baby beluga) and my metabolism as slowed to a near snail-like pace.  Nice.

Yesterday was a nice day and as I was still in vacay-mode, I set off on a walk.  These are the thoughts that invaded my head during that hour- long sojourn into ass pain:

“This walking-shit sucks”

“This blows chunks.  I fucking hate this”

(These first two thoughts were made in less than 1 minute into the walk)

“This is going to take me forever”

“Ugh…whose idea was this?”

“Oh I so much would rather be running like you”  *longingly looks at a runner perhaps too creepily as she gives me a weird look and rushes off*

“Fuck off, I hate this shit too. Stop looking at me like I’m a 90year old grandmother”

“At least if I had a somewhat normal semblance of a dog, I could probably take her with me. Instead, I get mini-Cujo with allergies and hyper-sensitivities to anything that moves.”

“I love that damned dog”

“Maybe I should concentrate on my next great post.”

“’Great’ being the optimal word. I rock”

“I need a new job”

“One where I get paid oodles of money without leaving the comfort of my house”

“I just described everyone’s dream situation.  We should all work from home.  And bake cookies.  And drink wine”

wine and cookies

“I wonder if all stay-at-home and work-from-home peeps do that…bake cookies and drink wine all day.  When do they do laundry or clean?”

“Hire a maid.”

“Yeah.  Great plan”

“Mmmmm…wine.  I need more.  Hey, I didn’t drink that much on holiday.”

“That lemon-drop martini was awesome.  I soo should learn how to make that mutha for DH”

“And I developed a whole new appreciation for Sangria.  Should make that stuff up too.”

“Man I have a lot of drinking plans ahead of me.  Sad? Or rockin’?”

“Def. Rockin’”

“I need a good story idea for the CBC contest.”

“Hmmm…mystery?  Nah. Definitely not romance…crap.”

“Yeah, you’re running, I’m walking. You’re awesome and I’m old.  I’m almost over it.”

“Who am I kidding?  This supremely sucks”

“I’ve decided I need more socialization with other people.  Maybe I should take obedience classes like Maggie”

“Maybe there’ll be a Benny in my class too!  THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME!”

“Look, lady if you’re going to stop for me, stop. Otherwise go on into the intersection that is laden with speeding vehicles and take your life into your own hands.  Become one with the road!”

“ASS”

“I have nothing but contempt and ire-ridden loathing…hey! I’m almost home!”

“And me just about to continue my negative shit-storming.”

“This wasn’t so bad”

*approaches door*

“Who am I kidding?”

*walks inside porch*

“This totally blew chunks.

Maybe if there was a gang of zombies following me, it would make the whole walking thing a bit more interesting.

Maybe if there was a gang of zombies following me, it would make the whole walking thing a bit more interesting.