I was watching the Golden Globes the other night with the ladies. As we were sitting around laughing about our Yoga class escapades in our yoga pants and downing wine and chocolate,(which is necessary after Yoga. It’s the rules. We looked it up) we listened to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler crack jokes and make fun. Then the awards started. And the speeches. Aside from the Bissetian Diatribe of Death where Jacqueline Bisset decided to enlighten us about her ‘beauty secret’, (apparently it’s forgiveness. Okay, so I forgive you for being drunk and rambling. There. I should be gorgeous in the morning. Thank you, Jackie!) it occurred to me that we shouldn’t have to thank people we think are awesome and who have made indelible marks on our lives only after we are presented with an awesome award…really, we all deserve Globes just for sitting through Bisset’s rambling and Diane Keaton’s weak singing.. really, we should. AND, Gorgeous George was nowhere to be found. Ugh. We should take that golden opportunity to thank our peeps now.
So, in the spirit of the Globes, I hereby give my thank you speech in advance in case I win an Oscar, or a Golden globe or a Razzy or even a tube sock as a booby prize (although, winning a booby prize would infer winning a booby…not a tube sock) and at the time of the illustrious award presentation, I am unable to form words recognizable to the human ear…or by some unfathomable twist of fate, morph into Jacqueline Bisset.
First of all I want to thank my husband of twenty something years for only being a douche half the time. I understand that living with me can be painful and downright bizarre, so I’ll forgive you for being Mr. Crabby Pants on occasion…or twenty. I can’t imagine living my life without you and I love you to death. And you make me smile when I think you’re being a total asshole, so there’s that.
Thank you for my children for surviving all of the crap we put you through with moving and then forcing you to be responsible little people. I know it’s painful to live with a father who likes rules and a mommy who thinks Teletubbies are an alternate alien life form, but through it all you have somehow survived. And have become people! Actual living and breathing people. By some miracle of the universe you are not only intelligent, caring and cute, but you are all funny as shit. I take credit for that. You. Are. Welcome. I mean…I love you all to the depths of my being and I am honored to be your mommy.
To my family in Ontario who like to take credit for my upbringing in some happenstance, I thank you for letting me sleep in your kid’s room, holding my hand through my mother’s death and giving me the advice of a lifetime, “Don’t eat the gum that’s stuck to the bottom of the table”. You all rock.
Thank you to my brother who managed to survive my awkward shyness, and not totally deny my existence to his friends…all of the time. I know there was an unsaid understanding that you would be my brother forever and for that I love you. Thank you to his wife for being the sensible one and the nephew for being the creative one and putting up with my new-found sense of humor. I know I take some getting used to, but let’s face it your family is waaay more crazy than me, so really I think as a SIL, you hit the jackpot lady.
To my parents who had the daunting task of raising a shy redheaded freckle-face, I love you both deeply and I carry you with me everywhere. I see you in my son’s blue eyes, my daughter’s round face and my daughter’s expressions. You are the reason I have a beautiful family.
To Oogie and Floyd who somehow decided that becoming a part of three kids’ lives was a great idea, I think you got way more than you bargained for with us. You have left us with loving memories of a summer cottage on a lake, a first plane ride and countless Christmases and weekends filled with laughter and love. I miss you both desperately and carry your smiles with me daily. You gave me a sistah from another mutha who thinks I’m a bit ‘out there’ but still has the guts to admit she knows me. Awesome.
To my in-laws who, after our first meeting said , “She’s sarcastic as shit but maybe we can get to like her on some level”. You all have put up with me for so long, I’m surprised you still want to associate with an asshole like me. God love ya’s.
To ma family out on the West coast, you’ve known me from being a shy introvert to a sarcastic wino and I love you to bits. If we ever get the chance to live in the same coast, the island will never be the same. I’m lucky to have besties on two coasts.
To ma Facebook friends and family, it’s a wonder you all admit that you know me. You still ‘like’ my stupid remarks and lame comments which totally floors me. I’m always expecting to get a message in my inbox saying “Please stop being an asshole and stop leaving shit on my wall. I don’t really like you that much, I’m just your friend because your brother told me I had to be.” But that has not yet happened…maybe after this post it will. You all have been so supportive and nice and even inspirational! Thanks for that.
To ma girls in St. John’s, you all have become more than just neighbours, you are ma friends and despite ma annoying emails, ma ability to make fun of lost children and wayward puppies, you still by some bizarre happenstance, put up with me. Thank you for being my entertainment, my confidants and my besties. I manage to write a bit because you all encourage me to keep going and at the same time, laugh at all the shit I throw down. You all rock!
Finally, to ma blogging buddies who inspire me to write a bit and visit me on occasion to say nice things, thank you for making ma blogging days a little brighter. I look forward to your posts, love hearing your comments and take a little joy in thinking I may know you just a bit.
There, I hope I didn’t go over ma time limit and the hokey music isn’t playing to try to push me off the stage. I am truly grateful to all of you for making me a better person, despite my asshatery. You have all made huge marks on my life…and some of you, on ma carpet and F’s chairs. Clean that shit up, will ‘ya?
10 thoughts on “It’s Like the Golden Globes but Without the Pretty Dresses and the Awards and the Celebrities”
Teletubbies are the worst thing to happen to children’s television EVER.
I KNOW, right?! Ugh,…my son is 14 now, but he watched them all the time when he was itty bitty. Awful things…
The twins are also 14. I didn’t allow them at my house, but my (at the time) MIL didn’t care for my strict “no teletubbies” rule since it got the twins to actually sit down and watch. Sigh…
After that speech, Clooney is going to be clawing his way past your entourage to escort you to next year’s ceremony.
Beautifully done, Kayjai, and thank you. the ‘sphere is a better place with you in it. It’s an honor to know you.
Awww…thanks, Guap. Right back at ‘ya!
I would point a gun at the exit music DJ’s head and let you talk all fucking night.
That was soft and sweet, and I’m glad you did it, because I’m to grumpy to get away with it. You get all that good stuff, only because you deserve it. 🙂