Topping the headlines for today in Kayjai-land, the new telephone books have arrived. Swathed in plastic wrap with the scent of new paper circling the stiff office air and the blinding yellow cover sending peeps searching for their Ray Bans, those volumes of weighted paper overwhelmed the office hens, making them high on the fumes.  They couldn’t wait to ink in the new front pages with forgotten phone numbers that went out of date with the ark.   Yes, out with the old, in with the new…books of wonder and awesome that lay abandoned and neglected, their information outdated by the time it goes to print and no one with neither the time nor inclination to look up shit.  That’s all online now, peeps. 

In other awesome headlines, Kayjai and kin shall be making the most epic of epically awesome trips to New York City this summer.  Lock your doors kids, Kayjai will be in town!  I have spent hours on Google street-view cyber-walking the streets in search of some semblance of direction.

“Stand in the place where you live, now face North…” North?! Where the fuck is North?!

 I have none. 

Getting lost has never looked so appealing!  Every way my yellow street-man turns, I find a new building to ogle over and yet another food-cart.  I should weigh close to three hundred pounds by the end of this trip.  Yay me!

 Do you know how many tours there are happening in that city?  And the stuff one can see…wow.  I’m abound with glee and wonder.  I’ll probs. get so tired by all the walking and mugging, I’ll land face first into a pitcher of beer at a bar whose name no one can pronounce.  Fucking awesome, I tell ‘ya.

Hubby and son will have to paste posters with ma picture on it saying “have you seen this woman?  If so, approach with caution and hand her a map with a big yellow dot indicating where her hotel is and the dive she is currently sitting at swigging back a few pints.  OR, just hand her a GPS and shove her out the door.  Sort of like ‘blind man’s bluff’ only she’ll be blind-drunk instead of blindfolded.  Then sit back and watch the fun!”  

A GPS would be great since I have trouble reading maps.  It’s all very linear and complicated for me.  At least the GPS lady talks at you.  She’s annoying as shit, but the condescending tone reminds me of someone from home, so it should send me into a homesick-laden lament worthy of all the consummation of beer that had landed me in no-man’s land to begin with. 

As it happens, Bestie and her fam will already be in the city that never sleeps, so we will hook up for some drinky-drinks and a tour…or just drinky-drinks.  You never know what can happen when a bunch of folks from Newfoundland get together in a big crowded city full of other tourists and residents fucking hoping all these tourists would get permanently lost…CONGRATS!  I SHALL BE THAT TOURIST! I’M YOUR FUCKING DREAM COME TRUE, HOMIES! 

You all owe me…