D1: OH MY GOD THE DOG JUST SHIT AND NOW SHE’S PLAYING IN IT!
Me: Perhaps you should tell her to stop
D1: OH MY GOD NOW SHE’S RUNNING ALL OVER THE HOUSE! EWWWWW!!
Me: Perhaps you could catch her so it doesn’t infest the floors with dog feces
D1: OH MY GOD SHE THINKS I’M PLAYING WITH HER AND NOW SHE WON’T STOP!
D1: IT’S NOT FUNNY!!
Me: I used to have to run after you for the exact same thing when you were a baby! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
D1: WHAT??!! That’s not helping.
Me: No, but it is funny….
Below is an excerpt from an email I sent to ma DH ladies last week. It seemed to generate a lot of discussion. Hmmm….
Now that spring has sprung and kids have already begun to get lost, I suggest the following to keep the kiddies safe and the mommies sane:
* have a GPS locator installed on your kids’ shoes. It saves a lot of texting, calling, yelling, screaming and crying. AND, it’s kickass to have a GPS installed in your kid’s shoe. True Story.
* Circulate a map of the area with the areas highlighted where the bodies may be buried with instructions that the kids stay away from there. Then, because we know our children so well, have zombie-like mannequins buried in very shallow graves so when they do look for them, they will have the shit scared out of them. Then they can come running home and you can all say what all mothers have been destined to say for centuries “I told you never to go there!! Listen to your mother! I know what I”m talking about! Now get upstairs and put on clean underwear!”
* Post signs for a non-existent neighbourhood watch program and install fake video cameras at every lamp post. It’s creepy and the kids will be ominously looking skyward and waving at the cameras. Visitors to the street will wonder what the fuck is wrong with these kids who are randomly waving and looking at the lampposts. They’ll call city hall and then city hall will inspect the street, find the name-withheld-for-obvious-reason’s in violation of every lawn infraction imaginable and evict them. Perfect. Solution.
I could so solve the world’s socio-economic problems if just given half a chance and some alcohol…
This is why I get invited to DH every other week. I may actually do some of this shit!