Today at Kayjai.com, we (really I mean ‘I’. ‘We’ sounds more professional and like I have a team of peeps working for me like Microsoft or Google or something. Really, it’s just me..’I’…’me’, ‘myself’ and ‘I’. So, technically the three ‘mes’. As long as we’re clear) so ‘I’ would like to introduce my first interview ever! I know, right? Exciting. Joining us today is the irreverent and highly entertaining author of everybody’s favorite book, Mr. Buzz Phone.
That’s right. He is the author of the telephone book. The King of numbers. The Wizard of all things numbery. It takes exhaustive research and analysis to come up with every single person listed in your area and Mr. Phone works tirelessly to deliver a top-notch albeit predictable, product. He was able to extract himself from his life’s work for a short time to sit down with yours truly for a little heart-to-heart. Sorta like Al Capone’s vault only minus Geraldo. Yeah.
Kayjai: Thanks for taking the time to sit and speak with me today, Mr. Phone. Much appreciated.
Mr. Phone: Please, call me Mr. T, everybody does. But don’t confuse me with the other Mr. T. I don’t have a Mohawk and say ‘I pity the fool’. That’s his gig. Mine is a whole other ballgame, sweetheart.
Kayjai: Yes, I bet it is. The illustrious and ever-changing telephone directory has been in existence since, well since the invention of the telephone, so-
Mr. T: Don’t hurt yourself, lady. The telephone directory or the TD as I like to refer to it, has been around since the late 1800’s when the very first book, if you can call it that, was made in Connecticut. It was just a piece of cardboard then listing about fifty businesses that had telephones and-
Kayjai: Yeah, anyway. It must take countless hours of research and painstaking exact census grabbing to get all of those phone numbers and extensions and names down pat. How do you do it?
Mr. T: Well, first off honey, all those names, numbers and addresses are collected by the government. All I do is take what they hand me and reprint. Now, with the invention of the computer, I copy and paste and send it out. My workload has drastically been reduced. Kinda frees me up for other ‘enterprises’ if you know what I mean. *winks and grins a toothless grin*
Kayjai: Mmm-hmm, okay. Speaking of computers how has the internet and the rise of smart phones and desktops impacted your work other than giving you ‘enterprise’ time?
Mr. T: Are you fucking joking??!! The ‘internet’ has been a royal pain in my ass since Gates first went all ‘Microsoft is fucking awesome’ all over the place. Fuck him! It has practically ruined my little corner of the universe, thank you very much. All you people think ‘Google’ is God-like and fucking necessary to even function during the day! What’s wrong with opening a nice legible LOGICAL book and finding everything at your fingertips? I remember back in the day when the arrival of the phone book was synonymous with getting your first lay! Come on, what happened with society?! Ah, I need a drink. Got any vodka around here?
Kayjai: Umm…I see. Uh, no. No vodka, sorry. Some critics would assert that since the rise in technology and instant messaging that a need for such a large wad of paper listing names, numbers and addresses would become a bit unnecessary.
Mr. T: LARGE WAD OF PAPER??!! Has that what my work has been reduced to?! I’ve spent my entire life looking over phone numbers, going through listings, writing down addresses. My eyes have gone permanently crosseyed! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE NAMED SMITH THERE ARE??!! Fuck me…seriously. Know the old joke ‘that lady has more Chins than a Chinese phone book” ?! WHO DO YOU THINK CAME UP WITH THAT LINE, LADY?!! That book has more uses than simply a cache for EVERY PHONE NUMBER IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Some kids used the book as a seat stuffer in the car so they can reach the gas pedal on mom and dad’s Lexus. Remember Guiness and when ripping phone books in half was considered a feat of strength? What about that, huh? AND, I seem to remember somebody used to carry a copy of my book with her in her car when she first moved to a new area, since I implemented a map of the city…hmm…ring any bells, sweetheart?
Kayjai: What?! How did you know- ?! I mean, yes, I heard that some people enjoyed your map addition to the pages, however, with the economy the way it is, global warming, the calls for a greener environment, don’t you think the telephone book is soon to be extinct? What job prospects are you hoping for if or when this happens?
Mr. T: I’m like goddamned Santa Claus, baby. I see all! AND, I don’t expect to be booted out of my job so soon into the future. There will always be the phonebook diehards, as I like to call ‘em. You know, the peeps with no computers, or smartiephones. They need to have something to hang on the hook in the phone booths!
Kayjai: Yeah, there are virtually no phone booths around anymore either. In fact, according to my research, areas such as Seattle and San Francisco are moving to ban the phone book. They say it is irrelevant and a ‘waste’.
Mr. T: Damned hippies!! They always want ‘save the planet’ this and ‘recycle’ that. Bullshit! My phone book is the only fabric that is holding this society together! Get rid of it and there ain’t nothin’ stoppin’ the Commies from comin’ in and takin’ over! *stands and rips off microphone* THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! I AIN’T NO COMMIE AND I AIN’T GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE! I HAVE RIGHTS! I’M VALUABLE, DAMMIT! I MATTER! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I’M OUTTA HERE! *stalks out of the door, slamming it behind him. A tattered phone book falls to the floor*
3 thoughts on “An Interview With A Legend, Mr. Buzz Phone”
Don’t feel bad about upsetting him. He’ll calm down after he’s had a chance to re-listen to Bread – Greatest Hits on his 8 track player.
Yeah…I think so, too.
He’s quite touchy. But he does provide a good door stop.