Sometimes I feel as if I am walking around and have no idea what I’m talking about. Other times, I hear other people talk and think THEY have no clue either. So, really. Nobody knows jack. I’m good with that.
My zipper broke on my suede jacket this morning causing me to swear loudly, which caused the dog to jump, which caused the kids to scoop her up, which caused me to feel badly. My contact lense was clouded which caused me to rinse it thricely (?) which caused my eye to be bloodshot and watery, which slowed me down in preparing for work. Running out the door, I then had to scrape twenty inches of snow from my car, which was cemented by the freezing rain, which required more time spent on the scraping since daughter felt the need to sit and watch, which caused me to mumble expletives under my breath, which caused me to take a different route to work since the roads had not been ploughed and I was too busy mumbling to pay attention to where I was going, which then caused me to endure traffic , which caused me to be late for work, which caused daughter to be late for her exam, on which she did badly which resulted in everything being my fault. Again and as per usual. Ugh.
Eating raw carrots is like watching a slow agonizing rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ while repeatedly jabbing a fork into my thigh.
My stash of nickels should come in handy when my plan for world domination comes to fruition. We’ve already done away with the penny…I declare that nickels are now worth more. And bacon should be free.
The best things are left unsaid. Who said that? I guess if it was said, it wasn’t ‘the best thing’. Shit.
I’m missing the Die Hard marathon playing at the local theatre today. Twelve non-stop hours of yippe-kay-yay MoFu along with witty repartee, stinging banter, blazing machine guns, hanging from skyscrapers by nothing but a fire hose and crawling through ventilation ducts with lighters. Okay, maybe the banter isn’t so great…but ‘welcome to the party pal’! Oh how I wish I had my popcorn and my seat in the theatre right now. Another time, McClean…another time. I wonder if anyone would notice if I sneak out for a few hours. I could ‘work from home’…maybe. What? Ugh….I’m suddenly feeling ill…I have a fever? I contracted T.B.? That malaria shot I got a few months ago is working against me! I have the measles! Look at all the red spots…no, those aren’t freckles…just look through these 3-D glasses and tell me those spots aren’t red…AND SOME ARE BLUE??!! Holy shit I need to go home and rest! Get the paramedics! I know…a few hours in a theatre might do me some good. Some nachos, pop, a comfy chair and Willis…I think I almost convinced you. Maybe. I could give you some of my nickels….