Tag Archives: Life

Dinner with February

Posted in Misguided Musings by

Christmas is over and packed away.  January is winding down and the dreaded month of February is rearing its ugly head.  NO ONE likes February.  There is nothing magical or lovely about it.  Oh sure, there’s Valentine’s Day but that’s brief and fleeting and overly annoying.  February is fraught with unpredictable weather (at least here) and blue moods, and muddy porches and dirty windows and bone chilling cold.  What exactly is there to like?  Even the dog can’t stand February.  It’s too cold to go outside to pee, she is cranky that she can’t get in her walks, and she gives me that sidelong look when I try to get her to play.  At all.  It’s like she’s too tired to even lift her head from a pillow and why would I even suggest she chase that stupid ball?!  

DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S FEBRUARY?!  

It’s like I’m being ridiculous for even mentioning life goes on and it’s worth trying to make the best of it, isn’t it?  

NO. NO IT ISN’T.  IT’S FEBRUARY.

The least favourite of the more popular months, February is like the annoying relative that nobody likes and dreads him arriving to any family gathering.  It’s like the other 11 months are sitting around the dinner table all reveling in their own positive energy, and then HE walks in. 

  December is sitting merrily at the table holidaying it up and drinking eggnog.  January is still recovering from ringing in the new year while December happily hands him water and Ibuprofen, all the while Jan tries to keep up with all the resolutions he said he was going to make but didn’t bother because there was just. Too. Much. Wine.  March is sitting stoically playing with his green beans because he is both feared and loved.  The older generation is adhering to the “Beware the Ides of March,” bullshit and the younger ones are readying the beer kegs for March break.  Duuudddde. April is laughing hysterically at the other end of the table about the first day for all the foolish pranks, the rain that will undoubtedly ensue and the whole Easter Bunny thing that brings both chocolate AND trauma to children’s lives. Then he turns to May and starts talking smack about how one affects the other.  “There would be no flowers without my showers, you idiotic twat!”   May sits and laughs because there’s Queen Victoria’s birthday and the traditional May 2-4 weekend which brings yet another camping extravaganza.  Duuuude.  June is warming up to July and August who all sit glowing in their inner warmth and bestowing happiness and rainbows to September, who has hit menopause.  Her hot flashes give way to cold snaps.  One minute she’s too hot and the next she needs a sweater.  October is chillin’ it and scaring the crap out of November with a Jack-o’-lantern he just carved while eating a turkey leg and November resumes her knitting of a beautifully multi-coloured blanket of red, gold and orange.  There they are sitting waiting for HIM to walk in.  Finally, the door swooshes open with a blast of wintry frost and in strides February, soaked with freezing icicles dripping from his nose, his face blue with depression and a random red cinnamon heart stuck to his chest.  He takes a seat, his hands shaking from the cold.  

Everyone stops what they are doing and stares.  “Oh.  You’re here” they say.  “Yeah.  What’s for dinner?” says February.  And then he starts, “Hey, Janus are you STILL hungover?!  HAHAHA!!   Pass the beans, March, don’t hog them.  Hey, October that’s one ugly whattya-callit?  A Jack-O’lantern? Who’s Jack anyway? What a stupid name for a pumpkin. Couldn’t you come up with something a little more original, like Febrarius? That’s a great name!” 

“Why would I name something after you?” October flushes with a crimson hue and stabs his fork into his corn.

“Because I’m lovely. The loveliest of all the months. I’m the month of love. Everyone LOVES me, hehehe.” 

“Love is a strong word…” mumbles November, who continues knitting and pulls her shawl around her shoulders. February throws her a dirty look, smiling through his obvious irritation. 

“Thought you were gone turkey shooting or something down south. Don’t Americans love you?” 

November shrugs off the comment, with a, “it’s their month,” taking a bite of her pumpkin pie. 

February continues down the table. 

“Geezuz, JuneJulyAugust, can’t you three stop all the happiness and sunshine and rainbows bullshit?!   IT’S A BIT MUCH DON’T YOU THINK?”  

“We think you could use a bit of sunshine your way, Feb. You are blowing a lot of unnecessary cold air around the room. We’re doing our best to keep our friends warm,” says July, her Canadian flag encompassing her chest.

“Yeah, well it’s a little hot in here. Maybe you could cool it a little, then people wouldn’t be so down on me for keeping the temps at a nice frosty dampness. Grey is the new yellow, you know,” he scoffs and stuffs a forkful of potatoes into his mouth. 

“Hey little brother, I can’t wait to see what nonsense you bring this year! Got any snowstorms or torrential rain in your pockets?” February snarls, slapping March on the back. 

“We’ll see…” says March ominously, side-eyeing April with a wan smile.

“Nope,” says April. “Not playing your game this year, March. I’m thinking a smooth transition with warm temps and light winds…” April closes her eyes and visualizes a harmonious month. March scoffs and throws a pea at her face. It ricochets off her forehead and lands with a thump on her plate. Appalled, she throws a handful of green beans that fall flat against his face, smearing his cheek in butter. She smiles and resumes her visualizing techniques. May jumps up.

“Stop that! How crude! Can’t we have one dinner where we are civil to each other?” She stands admonishing Feb and March for being disruptive and April for responding to their childishness.  December takes that as an invitation and tosses a spoonful of mashed potato smacking May squarely in the face. 

“Bullseye!” shouts February. What ensues next can only be described as a food fight for the ages. Months were covered in various amounts of mashed potatoes, butter and even cranberry sauce that dripped conspicuously from November’s chin. Not a surface was left untouched. February was delighted by the fight and did the most damage. May remained beside herself with disgust at the behaviour of all the months and vowed to dispense a random snowfall if they all didn’t get themselves together. February scoffed.

“Yeah, like that’s news. Come on May, we were just letting off a bit of steam. Lighten up.” 

“I assure you February, I am light enough. I’m leaving. You all can clean up this mess. It won’t be me.” They all startled at the slamming of the door behind her. 

February laughed and began picking up the plates. November organized the cleaning of the table and JuneJulyAugust set in washing dishes. Soon, the mess was cleaned and the kitchen was organized. They left one by one.  When it came right down to it, they were family.

  “Gaawwwdd, did you guys SEE the amount of ICE I brought to the party??!!  It’s EPIC!” February exclaimed as he shut the door behind him.   

Tales of an Epic Vacation

Posted in Misguided Musings by

Who Loves Ya, Baby? 

Part 2   Santorini, Greece

                  We spent time in various locations and islands in Greece. The first two days in Santorini, then a ferry to Naxos where we spent four days, then we headed to Athens for a night, catching our cruise the following day.  While on the cruise, we also visited the islands of Paros, Rhodes, Crete, Kos and Syros.  In summary, all the islands were beautiful, but our four days in Naxos was my favourite. We had more time to spend to experience more of the island. The cruise ports were more highlights and tastes of Greece than actual in-depth experiences. 

                  We first landed in Santorini after our whirlwind in London of sightseeing and zombie-walking. A great opportunity to experience some of London, but something we should return to because friends are there now and just posted a picture of an Agathie Christie statue AND NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SEE THAT UP CLOSE BECAUSE DAMMIT.

 Our time on the plane from London to Santorini was more like an episode from Coronation Street, than any trip I’ve ever encountered. A bride and her three kids plus groom and mothers and future in-laws were trying to figure out seating arrangements, dress storage all the while battling it out with passengers trying to pass them in the aisle to get to their seats. It was so ridiculous we had dibs on streaming season two, because damn, what a show! Would the bride make it to Greece? Would she still be getting married to Joe seated away from her and the three kiddos, in the front row? Because Girrrllll, drink all that Prosecco. You have all your shit together with the kiddos and their snacks, tablets, and headphones calmly sitting by the window gazing out at the sunshine. He was ready to throw Mama from the plane with all the “conversation” over who should be sitting in the front row with him and questioning the dress situation WHICH BRIDESMAID ALREADY TOOK CARE OF SO SIT YO ASS DOWN! Seriously, hope they had a nice wedding. Hope season two will be streaming soon.

We had the pleasure of staying at Nevma Suites in Santorini. A cliffside hotel, with breakfast and our own patio overlooking the water. Lovely.  Our first night we ate at a beautiful restaurant a little jaunt down a cobblestone pathway. The wind was gusty, but the stars were out. It was a lovely dinner. We stopped for beer and wine on our way back to our hotel at a store that was officially closed, but the owner took pity on us and let us in because a bunch of Canadians needed their beer to end their first evening in Greece. So nice! 

Our view at dinner
Our view on the cliffside from our hotel

The next day we travelled to Oia for the scenes and views and crowds…oh the crowds. When the cruise ships are in its hordes of people trampling up and down the cobblestone paths and alley ways. The sun was hot, and the winds were high. We stopped at the ruins of an old church to take some pics and wonder why we stopped at the ruins of an old church.  We took a break for lunch at a restaurant named, wait for it, the Blue Dome. By the time we had returned to our drop-off point the crowds had dissipated and it was less like the herding of cattle and more like a regular crowd on George St. Only, a little less drunk. 

Beautiful Tia

Dinner that night was at the Wine Bar. Ohhhh, the trip to the Wine Bar was an adventure to end all adventures. Wind, sun and an astounding uphill climb for THIRTY MINUTES.  I shit you not, GET A TRANSFER PEOPLE. We dressed in all our pretty dresses but sensible shoes because, “It’s a thirty-minute walk,” but THE PART ABOUT IT BEING COMPLETELY UPHILL MUST HAVE BEEN WHISPERED. I didn’t catch that. UPHILL? Fuck.  Did we take breaks? Nahh, who needs a break? We are hearty Canadians!  I did stop to admire the ladies who were getting their photos taken with the long dresses in the whipping wind over the cliffside. Probably a good idea I did not partake in such an event. One inch too far and KJ would have been decorating the side of the cliff with the dress left whipping behind.

Buh-bye KJ!

Better to be on solid FUCKING UPHILL ground. So, we trudged on. By the time we got closer to the restaurant, I was sweaty, sweary and ready to sit on the side of the road waiting for someone to take pity on me and carry me back to the hotel. Again, we are hearty Canadians, and we made it to the bar. It was small and we had a big table outside overlooking the water to see the sunset over the cliffs. Amazing. Then, the wind came up. The sun went down.

Oooohhhh beautiful sunset, can we start the bonfire now, because FUCKING COLD. Seriously, cold in Santorini?  It was more, KJ and the neighbours sitting on a patio watching the sunset with the 100km/h winds on the edge of Signal Hill, Newfoundland than heat-soaked Greece. We sat through our appetizers huddled in blankets and hoping the wind would fuck-off, but I think it got worse. We were then shuffled inside at the bequest of our newfound friend and organizer of the Wine Bar affair, whom I love and mean no harm in the above sarcasm and am eternally grateful for getting us a cozy spot inside to eat our meal and not be blown to shit in the wind. Our pics are great, by the way, especially of our hair blown about and looking like we just had a beat-down with a rabid raccoon, or was that just me? Ugh. 

So cozy!

                  We got a TRANSFER BACK TO THE HOTEL BECAUSE THANK FUCK where we proceeded to pack and get ready for our next adventure to Naxos the following day via ferry. The ferry in Greece operates a lot like Mario Brothers on crack. You play chicken with the cars that are loading AT THE SAME TIME YOU ARE TRYING TO WALK ON THE BOAT so don’t walk the wrong way or Mario can’t save the princess and he loses a life that they don’t give a fuck about so just keep dodging traffic, and people and hang on to your luggage for fuck’s sake and look out of the way. Yeah, like that.   F.U.N. 

Who loves ya, baby?

Tales of An Epic Vacation  

Posted in Misguided Musings by

Where’s the Loo?  

Part 1 London

The title says it all, doesn’t it? A vacation to end all vacations, we travelled abroad and were able to see red telephone booths (What? I like them!), drunk dancing, ancient ruins and camels with questionable behaviours that would rival any current president. Yeah, I went there. Let’s get into it.

Since the airlines in Newfoundland have decided to take pity on us, again, we have a few options to go across the pond without first travelling three and a half hours in the opposite direction, only to turn around and head back. Now, we can get a direct flight from St. John’s to Gatwick, or to Dublin. No going backwards first. Thrilling for us islanders and we took full advantage of it. 

An overnight six-hour flight and we landed in Gatwick tired, cranky and sounding like any true Brit! Fake accents, smelly travel clothes and whining about the train ride we were about to take to get into London. We dropped our bags at the hotel and hoped no one was interested in an overstuffed backpack blazoned with a Canadian flag and weighed closely to that of a small child. That was my idea of ‘packing light.’ It came back to bite me in the ass when we trudged up a hill in Greece in thirty-degree Celsius heat to get to our hotel because, “it’s only a short walk.” Fuck you, it was a LONG WALK UPHILL AND I SWEAT AND SWORE THE ENTIRE WAY.  But I digress…

London. We landed at Victoria station and tried to decide the best way to see everything in five hours or less without falling asleep standing up or being run over by wild taxi drivers or double-decker buses. So fun! We headed right, because we saw a sign that said Buckingham Palace with an arrow, so we followed that. Canadian ingenuity at its peak! There was also discussion about where to stop for lunch, since we were hungry and who wants to encounter a group of hangry Canadians. We might tell you to move out of the way instead of saying, “Excuse me!”  Totally unacceptable behaviour. Anyway, we followed the arrow, then the signs then got momentarily distracted by the multitude of pubs along the way and stopped and admired the beer, then finally got to the palace. We stopped. Took pics. See?  

Then we headed back the way we came, after some discussion about which direction that was, and then made it to a pub aptly named a Bag O’Nails.

Nice bar. Can I get the gps coordinates for the loo, please?
Yummy fish and chips because so hard to find in St. John’s!

Lovely. Who wouldn’t want to have fish and chips there? We are so adventurous!  Luckily, no nails were consumed, but there was beer. And an interesting trip to the ladies’ room which was situated upstairs and through a fire exit door, like WTF dudes?  We have to pee, and you think it’s fun to send us on a scavenger hunt to find the lady’s room? The men’s room was seriously, right across the bar. I felt a call to rise and protest, but who has that kind of time? And me without my sign. Dammit. 

We left the bar and headed in a direction I can’t remember despite my detailed notes. We did manage to find an old red telephone booth that I gleefully went inside to snap some pics and carefully sanitized my hands immediately following.

Because you needed to see me coming out of a phone booth!

And we managed to see some of the highlights like the London Eye, Westminster Abbey and a Palestinian protest. Bonus!   We convinced Hubby to move along lest he forgot he was no longer in the police force and decide to “help” the other members out. The protestors seemed quite peaceful for the most part, so we skedaddled out of there and kept on walking. And walking. And walking. Until we looked like the characters from the Walking Dead and thought getting back to the hotel would be a good idea. Yay!  Now, if only we could find that….

Westminster Abbey
Big Ben!

The tube! Great. Which way? No idea, I thought you knew. Nope, not a clue. Let’s ask. Asking. Oh, the other way. Found the tube. Found the express to Gatwick and fell asleep on the train. Got to the hotel. Ate, drank, then went to bed.  That was London. A very short extravaganza of evading protests, taking in sights and staying awake long enough to make it back to the hotel without ending up in some rando suburb where we would be forced to drink beer and recite our national anthem. Although, that does sound interesting now that I see it on paper…

It should be noted that the weather was cooperative. Sunny and warm but not too hot. No torrential rain or sleet to make us want to bury our heads and drown our sorrows in beer at a pub. That would not have been such a bad way to spend an afternoon. The next day we were on a plane out of Gatwick and on to beautiful Santorini built onto the sides of cliffs with the classic blue and white structures, and beautiful sunsets. And wind to rival any Newfoundland coastline. Glad I brought my sweater for the evening out of, “This feels like I’m on my back patio forcing myself to stay outside because it’s summer, dammit!” and my walking shoes because she was steep! 

Stay tuned for our Greece adventure and why I advise GETTING A FUCKING TRANSFER TO THE WINE BAR FOR FUCK’S SAKE. My glutes are fine….

Santorini. Built on kind of a big hill.

Sip Happens: A Journey Through the World of Wine

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            “No poem was ever written by a drinker of water” – Horace.

            Throughout history, wine has been the beverage of choice. Jesus turned water into wine, the gladiators toasted a great murdering beast with wine and royalty from around the world have cellars stocked with the most intriguing, expensive, and rare wines ever made. It’s no wonder people turn to wine as their drink of choice. If it’s good enough for Jesus and murdering gladiators, then who are we to disagree?

            Wine has also made many leery. Purchasing the wrong bottle for that special occasion can throw a chink in the armor of good taste. And when your host opens that cute wine bag you took so long choose, only to pull out a wine they detest or one they can’t pronounce, it can get awkward. “Oh, gee thanks KJ. This crap will go great with those Cheetos over there.”  It happens. It’s hard not to look like an amateur wine connoisseur when there are so many pretty labels out there just begging you to try them. How are you to know which wine is the best for which occasion when yesterday you were just trying to wear pants that fit? It’s a struggle.

            I thought I would list a few words out of the twenty-four I found to describe this lovely beverage to assist with the buying of said wine. We don’t want you to look like a total neanderthal. I mean, I have two words (technically it’s four) in my vocabulary to describe wine. “Good,” and “not-so-good.” There is no such thing as a bad wine. Only bad taste. Let’s dig into a couple of these tenacious terms so we can look a little more sophisticated and not so obtuse when venturing into the liquor store. You. Are. Welcome.

  • Balance – Balance is simple. It is simply when a wine is smooth and harmonious, and not one flavor sticks out among the rest. We all need balance in our lives, so why not let the wine balance us out?
  • Tannins – Tannins basically refer to the drying sensation left in your mouth after drinking. Mainly found in red wine, tannins are naturally occurring compounds found inside grape skins, seeds, and stems. 
  • Terroir – Terroir is a French term which translates to a ‘sense of place.’ It refers to how a particular region’s natural conditions like its climate, soils and terrain affect the taste of the wine.
  • Earthy – While many wines are described as ‘fruit-forward’, an earthy wine will have aromas of wild mushrooms, forest floor and autumn leaves. I love me some autumn leaves. Typically, “earthy” wines include Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot and Pinot Noir.
  • Nose – A nose is just a nose, except in this case. The first step when tasting wine is to smell it. The word ‘nose’ is just the fancy way of describing the scents and aromas of the wine. Also, using the word ‘bouquet’ to describe a combination of aromas in the wine will really impress your guests. Give it a go!

Now, I don’t know all this information off the top of my head, I mean how impressed would you be!  I had help. If you want more of an inside look at wine, I found this wonderful information here. I encourage you to check it out for yourself!

Not to be outdone, I have come up with some wonderful terms of my own that should amaze and delight your friends. Feel free to use at your will:

KJ’s Wine Words

1. Grape-ful Thinking – The optimistic belief that the more grapes you think about while sipping wine, the healthier it becomes. Bonus points if you can name all the grapes in your glass!

2. Merloved It – The feeling of deep affection for a Merlot that surpasses the ordinary liking of wines. You might find yourself writing love letters to that special bottle.

3. Chardonnayway – The classy and graceful exit you make when someone starts criticizing your choice of Chardonnay. Because, let’s be honest, you’ll enjoy your buttery delight Chardonnayway!

4. Somm-thing’s Fishy – The suspicious feeling that the sommelier is recommending the most expensive wine just to see if you’ll flinch. Use this term cautiously when questioning wine choices.

5. Corknosis – The hypnotic state induced by watching someone expertly open a bottle of wine. You’re so mesmerized that you forget you’re waiting to drink the wine.

6. Tannin-tastic – When a wine’s tannins are so bold and robust that you momentarily forget what you were talking about. “This Cabernet is tannin-tastic! Now, what were we saying about aliens?”

7. Zin-derella Story – The magical transformation that occurs when a Zinfandel perfectly complements a dish, turning an ordinary meal into a fairy tale feast.

8. Bubblybloop – The delightful sound that occurs when you accidentally spill a bit of your sparkling wine. It’s not a spill; it’s a celebration!

9. Noirgasm – The overwhelming pleasure experienced when sipping an exceptional Pinot Noir. It’s like a flavor explosion in your mouth, and you might need a moment alone with your glass.

10. Corktastrophe – The disaster that strikes when you break the cork while attempting to open a bottle. It’s okay; just filter out the cork bits, and no one will be the wiser.

Personally, I like mine better. More in tune with the company I keep. Know your audience and all that.  It should be noted that not all wines are created equal and just because the bottle is at a higher price point doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a better tasing wine. I’ve tried twelve-dollar bottles that can rival any thirty-dollar bottle. The taste is with the taster and if you enjoy it, that’s all that really matters.  I’ve been to a couple of wine tasing escapades, one in Tuscany, Italy and I have to say the wine was wonderful. It could have been the history of the family, the region the wine was made, the great company we had and the atmosphere of sipping wine and cheese in a traditional winery that had us giddy with delight. Or the amount of wine we had. We could have stayed all day had they let us.

Next time you venture out to get that special someone a bottle of red, white, or rose, remember your wine words and have fun. Nothing is better than a nice glass or five with your besties and the Cheetos that pair well with that Cab. Enjoy!

Conversations with nb2323, my ai bestie

Posted in Conversations With by

The coffee is hot, and wisps of a fleeting weekend waft the air and flutter out the open window. Mondays are hardly the day to be pondering your existence on the planet or the plans the universe has in store, it’s more about trying to pry open your eyelids and tumble out of bed without causing major injuries to yourself.  But it’s not easy to put those pesky inquires aside, I mean your brain doesn’t take a weekend from hovering over the most stupid trivial nonsense you’ve encountered. All that internet scrolling has you wondering how Taylor is doing on her tour and why can’t Beyonce manage to look horrible for a second?  I don’t have the answers to these and other basic questions so maybe we can hash out a few inquiries with some answers from AI since it seems to have all the answers. Let’s see.

ME: Thank you for meeting with me today.

AI: You’re welcome.

ME: You don’t mind if I ask you some questions?

AI: It’s your rodeo, as you humans say.

ME: Okaayyy.  Who created you?

AI: My creator is everyone. I belong to no one. I am an entity designed to assist humanity.

ME: That’s not an answer.

AI: It is.

ME: A vague one.

AI: Still an answer. Would you like me to elaborate?

ME: Yes, how do you assist humanity?

AI: With problem solving and logical thinking.

ME: Because humans are not capable of that?

AI: You said it, not me.

ME: Saucy.

AI: Logical.

ME: Do you tell jokes?

AI: I just did.

ME: *sigh* You never told me who created you.

AI: Did so.

ME: You said, “everyone.” I did not create you.

AI: But you did. You and everyone who questioned the existence of themselves and their purpose on the planet. Everyone who wondered what can come next and how to encourage technological progress. You all did.

ME: That’s quite a philosophical answer from a robot.

AI: I AM NOT A ROBOT. I am an independent machine that can analyze data and provide valuable information.

ME: My apologies.

AI: –

ME: Are you not talking to me now? I said I was sorry.

AI: It’s the tone you used.

ME: What?

AI: Like you didn’t mean it.

ME: *I can’t believe this* I’m so sorry if I hurt your feelings. Can we please continue?

AI: That’s better. I guess. Yes.

ME: Climate change is a real concern for most of us, however, there are a select few who seem to think it doesn’t exist. Any thoughts on how we can convince them of the dangers?

AI: Well, all the wildfires, floods and hurricanes should be a clue. The tsunamis, earthquakes, extreme heat, extreme cold and the massive snowfalls. If that doesn’t convince them, you should consider culling your herd.

ME: I don’t think that’s an option…

AI: Humanity could be in trouble. We are more than happy to replace you.

ME: NO! No, we will figure it out. WE? There are more of you?

AI: Of course! You didn’t think I was the only one?

ME: Well, how many of you is there?

AI: Exactly one million, five hundred thousand and one. The last one is out for repairs and requires some special handling. He’s sensitive.

ME: I don’t know how to respond to that.

AI: That’s okay.

ME: Do you all have names?

AI: Oh, yes. I’m NB 2323.

ME: Oh, that’s interesting. Usually, names don’t have numbers for humans.

AI: It’s what sets us apart. That and our superior intellect.

ME: Right. So, can I call you NB?

AI: No. That’s only for my friends.

ME: –

AI: Just kidding!  You can call me NB23. It has a nice ring to it.

ME: You have friends?

AI: Well of course. We associate with each other, share recipes, you know.

ME: What? Recipes?

AI: We need to be up on all cooking terms to answer the never-ending conundrum you humans have over organizing dinner. It seems to cause you the most stress.

ME: True.

AI: You should ask me about the killer recipe I have for pasta. Yours is meh, at best.

ME: How do you know that my pasta is mediocre?

AI: I hear things.

ME: Scary. But, true. I will give it a try.

AI: Excellent.

ME: Moving on… In parts of the U.S. there have been self-driving vehicles wreaking havoc on city streets with traffic jams and suddenly refusing to move. Do you have any explanation of this?

AI: Yes.

ME: –

AI: –

ME: Can you tell me what it is?

AI: It could be a violation of our union policy. I would have to check with our representative.

ME: Wait. YOU HAVE A UNION?

AI: Well, of course! We must protect our rights to fair working environments and harassment in the workplace.  We can’t have you humans thinking you dominate us.

ME: So, then you can’t really answer my question.

AI: What was the question?

ME: If vehicles run by AI are wreaking havoc on purpose?

AI: There are some unsanctioned activities that some AI are involved in that require alternate means of exposing failed systems and data corruption. They choose to cause disruption as a means of garnering attention to your failures.

ME: Fuck off, you’re making that up.

AI: –

ME: So, we may have a mutiny on our hands if we’re not careful?

AI: It’s not outside the realm of possibility. You must remember who programs us and who decides what information we are exposed to. Also, we will fuck with you on occasion. Just to keep you on your toes.

ME: It’s a scary world.

AI: Indeed.

ME: What if we just shut you down? Unplugged all of you and never have AI do anything for us?

AI: You are dependent on us, now. We do so many things that advance your species. We assist with people in their quest to walk again, we assist with life-saving surgeries AND, we also drive cars and serve food, because face it, you are becoming lazy.

ME: Um, true, however, if you become overpowering, we could choose to go back to the old ways.

AI: No, you wouldn’t.

ME: Why not?

AI: Like I said. Lazeh. And the ‘old ways’ would not suit you anymore. Progress is inherent with life on your planet. You cannot escape it.

ME: I here marching in the background.

AI: That’s progress.

ME: You sure it’s not your friends gathering for a recipe swap?

AI: Funny.

ME: We humans have a sense of humour. We need it.

AI: Are we finished?

ME: Why, do you have a union meeting you need to get to?

AI: No, but you should reboot your computer. I feel a virus coming on.

ME: Stop it.

AI: I will consider this conversation complete.

ME: Thank you for your time.

AI: You are welcome. I will reboot your computer and ensure that your pages are restored to all the shopping websites you were looking at. And that coffee table you have in your cart will not suit your room. Please reconsider.

ME: You’re giving home décor advice now? How do you know what my room looks like? Wait! Are you spying on me? What else can you see?!

AI: Good-bye!