Author Archives: KJ Ivany

The Christmas Lamp

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If you are thinking this will be a heartwarming Christmas story, you couldn’t be more wrong.  AND, if that’s the reason you ended up here, I am sorry.  However, before you turn on your elfin heels to stalk the web in search of lovely warm tales of Christmas miracles and Santa, take a gander at this little story.  It may make you smile…AND, there IS a moral in it!  So…it’s better than the Gift of the Magii…it’s the Gift of the Christmas Lamp!  Yay. 

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Christmas when the kids were small took on a different meaning than it does now.  As adults, we tend to enjoy the season of getting together with family and friends, imbibing in all the great food and drink people tend to have out, relaxing and generally having some time away from work and stress.  Gifts are second or third on the list or simply not that important to us.  For the kids it was dolls and dresses, trucks and musical instruments, a much needed new movie or video game.  For Hubby, Christmas is awesome, but it took us (me) a while to figure that out.

Hubby has a bad habit of saying incessantly he wants ‘nothing’ for Christmas.  He stated continuously that as long as the kids have some of the things on their lists, he was happy.  This line is repeated so often leading up to Christmas Day, that after 22 years of hearing it we have become deaf to the whole lecture.  “Yeah, yeah, we know” we say and make sure he has gifts under the tree anyway.  It wasn’t always the case.

One Christmas when the children were very small, Hubby was particularly adamant that he, again, wanted “nothing for Christmas.  I mean, it.  Nothing.”   Me, taking that serious statement as totally the way he wanted it, abided by it.  Kinda.

I mean, I had to get him SOMETHING, right?  Right.  So I did.

Christmas morning found us bunking at Nanny’s so she could be with the kids.  We arose to all of us crowded around in the small living room, the children eyeing what Santa had brought them.  We doled out what was under the tree and watched as they gleefully tore open their packages.  I had a sweet pile by my side.  “Mommy, where’s Daddy’s gifts?”  one of the children asked.  They were so sweet then….  “Well, Daddy said he didn’t want anything, but he may have one under there…”

That’s when I swooped in and brought out the impossible-to-wrap-one-of-a-kind…you guessed it…LAMP.

I got him a lamp for his desk.

The look on his face was…well, surprise?  Guffawed?  Yeah…guffawed.

“YOU GOT ME A LAMP?!”  He was incredulous.

This was not just any lamp.  This was one of those banker lamps from the 80’s with the two columned black iron solid base that weighed a ton.  It even had the green glass light on top.  It was so…so…so much a lamp.

Me:  “In my defense you said you wanted nothing for Christmas, right?”

Him :  “Yeah, but…”

Me:  “So, if you wanted NOTHING for Christmas, I at least got you something you can put on your new desk.”

I was rather proud I had thought of something practical.

He turned it around.  Set it down on the floor.  The kids all gathered around and said “You got a lamp?! “ and laughed.  I think Nanny felt sorry for him…”Umm…it’s a nice lamp…”

Him: “Yeah, but…but it’s a LAMP.  WHO GETS SOMEBODY A LAMP FOR CHRISTMAS?!”

Me:  “That’s what you get when you ask for NOTHING!!”

The rest of the day, family was dropping by Nanny’s to see what the kids had gotten from Santa.  They showed them their gifts and proudly proclaimed “AND LOOK, DADDY GOT A LAMP!” but couldn’t pick it up to show because it was too heavy and awkward and could have been used to train a weightlifter.  The fun was never ending after that.  Teasing, holding up the lamp…”That’s it?”  His brothers and sisters were looking, stunned and totally amused and amazed at the awesomeness, I’m sure. “That’s what you got?!!  A lamp?!!! HAHAHAHA..”

I still bring up the whole episode when I hear the “I want nothing for Christmas” shit one too many times.

So, kids the moral of the story:  Don’t be an asshole, or there will be a lamp under the tree….at least it will have a Christmasy green light!

The Lamp...only the glass was green and it was awesome...

The Lamp…only the glass was green and it was awesome…

The Leaves Are Not The Only Things Changing Colour

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I’m still catching my breath from the epic win from the Liberals and the election of a new Prime Minister, that I haven’t had a chance to see fall in all its glory.  The leaves are starting to change from their lush green to their auburn and golden hues and I haven’t been out with my camera to take any pics.  I’ll see if I can do that on the weekend if it’s not pouring out of the heavens.  This is Newfoundland…hail, rain and sun all in an hour.  I took some photos a couple of weekends ago, but the leaves hadn’t changed yet, so not so glorious.

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It seems the times they are a’changin’ along with the leaves and I can’t help but feel a little hopeful.  I may not feel a direct sweeping affect from a new government, but the shininess and brightness that has injected itself into our parliament has left me all giddy and schoolgirl-ish.  Ooohhh…what will PM Trudeau do now?  The Americans have pointed out the young handsomeness that is now our Prime Minister and I’m not above pointing out the obvious, as well.  I texted the crowd and pointed out I was pretty damned happy that our Prime Minister was a handsome young guy that we could laud over the world as our new bright young star…it’s a great feeling to be proud of our Prime Minister.  I think we’ve been missing that for a long time. ‘Look at our intelligent handsome PM who is going to stand for the environment and change the way the world sees Canada’…that’s the sentiment and the hope that goes along with it.  Everybody is holding their breath and waiting in the wings, watching the young man shake hands and smile with the people.  Watching him slowly move back into 24 Sussex and get to work.

This is our new Prime Minister...I hear you applauding...yeah, I know.

This is our new Prime Minister…I hear you applauding…yeah, I know.

Let’s see if Justin can do it…Let’s see if he can fulfill his promises to make Canada good again.

“Just watch me” says the note that is now selling on Ebay.  The note he wrote in response to the question “Do you think you can beat Harper?”

Just watch me…

Oh, we are Mr. Trudeau….We definitely are….

That Day I Was High on Muscle Relaxants and Pain Killers and Argued Politics With The Dog. Otherwise Known as Yesterday

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The election is quickly approaching and there are so many ad campaigns and articles proclaiming who is the best candidate, who has the best policies and platforms and who just plain sucks, that it’s getting confusing and sickening and trashy all at the same time.  One promises daycare at such a ridiculously low rate that it’s laughable, one says he’ll invest in Canada and the other one, ugh.  He’s just condescending, grasping at anything and basically has such a look of desperation and a power hungry-beady look in his eyes, that people are rolling THEIR eyes and hanging their heads in shame on his behalf.  Don’t look at him, maybe he’ll take the hint and slink away under a rock somewhere.  Embarrassing, really.

It seems to have gone on forever, this election campaign.  Monday is voting day (finally) and I can’t wait to get out to the polls and exercise my right to make something happen…change or not.

Then, maybe all of this ‘he’s not ready’, ‘he’s unrealistic’ and ‘he’s just an asshole’ will all be over.  I think that last one was on TV while I was in my state of dizziness from my back spasm medication…too many burpees (ugh)  I’m not sure, though.  About the last ad campaign slogan, not the burpees.  I’m sure about those.

Anyway, get out and vote.  Be counted! Let your voice (or your ‘x’) be heard!

I’m sure I’ll be back to myself by Monday and ready to mark my ballot.  No more arguing about politics with the dog.  She was getting all confused, anyway.  I don’t recall any candidates promising free belly rubs and bacon treats to the doggies who vote for their particular party…do you?

OH MY GAWD THE LEAVES ARE FALLING AND BLOWING AROUND AND I HAVE TO GET THEM!!

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Last night, I walked out of my house and spied a little girl, her father and her younger sister walking down the sidewalk with fallen leaves bunched up in eldest girl’s fists. It was obvious they were out for a pleasant walk to collect some fall leaves, although I’m not entirely convinced it was ‘pleasant’. The little girl had leaves bunched up by their stems in her hands and every so often, a gust of wind would blow the leaves, tugging one or a few free. They would take flight, which would then send the little girl into fits of frightful screams.  The father would patiently wait for her to run after the airborne leaf and rescue it, trapping it back into her already full hands.  She would just manage to secure the escapee as another wind would blow yet another leaf astray, and more screaming would ensue.

After several minutes of this game and halfway down the street, the father becomes impatient with the screaming and the running after blowing leaves. He grabs up the entire collected bunch from the little girls fists and pushes them forcefully into his pants pockets.  He grabs her little hand and begins to drag her down the street, still screaming.  He gives up a little further down the road, and releases the girl’s hand admonishing her to stop screaming.  The little girl’s sister looks at the now quieted girl, points to the street where a scatter of fallen leaves have become loose from the nearby maple trees and calmly says “you missed one.”  I giggle as fits of further screaming can be heard.

I love fall….

The Warm Winds of September

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The warm winds of September were both well-received and confusing. This was July weather, not fall weather, although who’s complaining? Those fall days were sunny and warm, the bees were buzzing and the flowers were caught between blooming and dying off. The leaves were hesitant in changing colour since nature was telling them to remain their lush green. They were caught in a war of wills between seasonal tradition and environmental interference. The plan changed. The climate changed. July was freezing and cold; drizzly and foggy. While the rest of the world was baking in record high temperatures, we were snuggled down in our fleece jammies ramping up the heat and having bonfires to keep warm. Then August happened; August, with its sunny days and thank-the-Lord warmth. The sun shone, the kids ran amok in the street shouting SUMMER IS HERE! SUMMER IS HERE! And so it was. The flowers came out to say ‘hey’ and the grass grew…so did the weeds, but it’s all relative. We could sit out on a patio without shivering or looking for our hotpaws; barbeques were lit, cold beer was drank and we were able to emerge from hibernation, free from parkas, gloves even sweaters and see the light of day; we watched the sun fade at nine in the evening instead of five in the afternoon. We began to feel what the remainder of the world was feeling and we were damned happy about it.

Heat! Loves it.
Ahh, summer. September extended our August summer into fall, bringing warmth and sun and bright days. Our evenings are shorter, our days begin later but the warmth of September was giving us a well-deserved reprieve from our usual instantaneous transition from hot one day to downright cold the next. Thanks, September and the weather gods for giving us a break….Snow will fall soon enough, but until then, I will relish the lazy ease into cooler temperatures.
Now October, don’t go messing it up…take it easy on us. We need it…

fall leaves