Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with your brother to go pick up your elderly mother because you have to take her to appointments and when you are on your way out of the door of the building, you all stop to check her mailbox, then you decide you have to pee so your brother says “okay, we’ll meet you in the car” and then you take off your jacket and when you do you’re suddenly topless so you hold a large envelope in front of your chest (obviously, the jacket has disappeared or disintegrated into the great beyond) and you think “no biggie” and walk around looking for a washroom totally topless without being arrested or looked upon strangely, then find a random toilet that is sitting without walls or the comfort of a stall in a large room that is occupied by children and by another woman, who can only be described as the daycare worker, so you decide that this facility is the best choice you currently have so you whip down your pants, (still topless with the envelope clutched between your teeth to hide your bare bosom…apparently peeing in front of children and daycare workers is not as hideous as a bare chest) and proceed to pee when suddenly one of the daycare workers appears and says “is everything okay down there?” pointing to your nether regions or vajajay and you say “of course” and you know she really just wants you to leave so she says “well, it may not be after this. There’s stuff on the toilet paper” and you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of the growing fear that something has contaminated your vajayjay, so you nonchalantly finish your business, rise and on the way out say “Oh, well at least I have a vagina” (Best. Comeback. Ever.) and walk away with the envelope still masking your chest as you saunter out to catch the escalator that inevitably leads to a dark room? And then you wake up and have to pee so you go to your bathroom and are grateful you have walls, a door and no daycare worker sneering and asking about the current status of your vajayjay?
Yeah, me neither.
I blame the polar/arctic/insane vortex for this. Winter sucks.