The following is an actual email I JUST SENT to all of my DH ladies. THEY’RE GOING TO BE AFTER ME SOON!!
It is with a heavy heart that I must send you this email. You have all been trusted and dear friends of mine and I realize this news may come as a shock to you, but I really must impart this most disturbing turn of events.
I don’t want you all to be dismayed by this news or have it shatter your ideal image of me (just go with it), but I feel you all must know the truth. I have spent the better part of the afternoon rehearsing how I would say this without causing you pain or therapy for your families. I have agonized how I would word it gently and without undue stress, however there is no easy way.
I BURNED A BAG OF POPCORN. IT’S NOT JUST BURNT. IT’S BLACK. TOTALLY INEDIBLE. FUCKING TOTALLY BLACK. LIKE NOT EVEN REASONABLE.
There. I’ve said it. I’ve managed to pick out the white bits, but really it’s the goddamned microwave’s fault!
THAT’S WHAT THE POPCORN BUTTON IS FOR.
Seriously, if that button wasn’t there we would have to estimate the cooking time and who among us gives a shit about that? Oh, right. Nurse Betty. My bad.
But other than Bree-Clone, who would stand at the microwave waiting for the popcorn to pop. Watching minute after minute, interminable second after second as the popcorn slowly comes to white puffy heaven, only this time it went to black pieces of soot-like filth. I have more important shit to be at, like, HELLOOO, spider solitaire and ma wonderful stu-dents! Ugh…
Anywho, I thought I would just let you all know this awful news before you heard it from God knows where and the RNC is called and they want all the surveillance tape from the cameras in the building to document what truly went down.
Jeesh, it’s not like I left a burned bag lying carelessly on the side of the road, or anything….
I appreciate your understanding and truly value our friendship. I hope you all find a way to forgive me and move on from all of this undue tragedy.
Yours in popcorn-popping,